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she wants commitment and I want to know she loves me


winkster2005

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I have been in a long distance relationship for almost 4 years. Right now we live 60 miles apart but our parents live within 5 miles of eachother. We see each other 4 days a week. We had a fight last week and to make a long story short she told me the reason she has not put any effort into the relationship for the last 3 years is because I have not given her any commitment other than verbal. She also blames this on why she is not sexually attracted to me. ( we have sex roughly once a month. she says she doesnt like it with me anymore but has wanted to do it at least once a week with every other boyfriend she has had.) Along with there being no effort or sex she has said things to me like "i dont need you" "i have loved others and i can love someone else again if i have to."She says even me making a move down to where she lives would be enough of a sign of commitment. Unfortunately for me she has changed her mind on if she wants to live where she is now or move back to where her parents live at least a half dozen times since we started dating. Not only that but because of recent problems with her parents for a few months this last fall she was constantly telling me marrage is pointless and that she had no plans on ever being married.ive known for a little over a year and a half that things were not looking good and ive told her I want to change it but I was not going to quit my job and move to another state if she couldnt show me she cared about me. I mean she is so distant in our relationship that sometimes we dont kiss for two weeks. She wont even sit next to me on the couch. Her response is that she has her mind set that she isnt putting anything into the relationship and that she cant just change her mind. We are at a stalemate and I dont know what to do. If you have any advice or want more details please let me know.

 

Thanks

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So...3 yrs ago she decided not to put any effort into your relationship...but just kept plugging along, driving a couple hrs four times a week to meet up with you? Sorta some odd problem solving skills displayed there....but ooookay.

 

Anyway, you guys need to talk about your goals. Does she want to live together? Is she trying to tell you she wants to get married?

 

Do YOU want to live together or get married to her? If you both say yes- you need to discuss your concerns about her housing situation possibly being temporary and find out what her plan for that is before you give up (I assume) a residence and a job.

 

Also a side note- sounds like you guys meet up at either one or the other's parent's house...that is not conducive to hot sex. So that might be partly why there's less going on in the bedroom than you wish.

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Why are you with her and carrying on in such a miserable situation in the first place? What is the upside here? It sounds like things should have ended two years ago because that's when your relationship pretty much died off. This is not a stalemate, this is two people clinging because they can't pull the trigger and put this out of its misery.

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Sammi87, she has her own place and i drive down there usually on Wednesday and on weekends unless she is visiting her parents which happens once sometimes twice a month depending on family events. I am currently still living at home the 3 days of the week when im not at her place. She does want to get married and I would like to also if things could get worked out. I would also like living together before marriage. I think theres a lot to learn about someone when you are around them every day. Also, to dancing fool and annie. things arent horrible all of the time but lately its been worse than before. We have had a lot of good times just not as often as before.

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Sammi87, she has her own place and i drive down there usually on Wednesday and on weekends unless she is visiting her parents which happens once sometimes twice a month depending on family events. I am currently still living at home the 3 days of the week when im not at her place. She does want to get married and I would like to also if things could get worked out. I would also like living together before marriage. I think theres a lot to learn about someone when you are around them every day. Also, to dancing fool and annie. things arent horrible all of the time but lately its been worse than before. We have had a lot of good times just not as often as before.

 

Well then have you just flat-out said to her "I would like to move into together with the goal of marriage in mind. But you often talk about relocating...so before I do, I need to know for sure you see yourself living in________________ for the long term. Otherwise, we need to talk about you moving up here"?

 

She's either willing to put her money where her mouth is...or she's not.

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I agree, and if she was able to tell me where she wants to stay i would be trying to settle living arrangements. But it always changes. I would rather move down there but it worries me that when she has kids she might want to move home. I have talked about moving in even though money is tight and driving 150 miles 5 day a week would be rough. Either way ill try it and see what happens.

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