Jump to content

Wedding date in September this year..


Recommended Posts

Hello everyone, first post here and first time discussing something like this online, so please be kind..

 

Me (27) and my Fiancé (26) have been together for 4 years and are due to get married this September. We live together with our two cats, and no children. It's probably a good time to say that she hates her job, and this is a big year in my career also while working towards a nice promotion in a technically challenging role.

 

We got engaged Christmas 2012 and at this point we couldn't have been happier - we enjoyed spending time together and all was well. Since engagement we've been saving a lot money per month to pay for the wedding. This leaves us with just enough for living, and nothing for spending on ourselves or things to do together - like meals out etc.

 

So the relationship has deteriorated - it's spiraled from great to not good at all. The sex, if we 'bother' is dull and predictable. When I look at her I don't feel attracted to her as much as I should. At the same time when she closes her eyes facing my direction in bed, I stare at her and it does make me realise how much I do really love her.

 

We don't spend quality time together either - in fact the definition of quality time is sat on separate sofas watching on television. I hate that, I mean I really really (for the majority) hate watching TV. I would much rather go on my PC upstairs and game for the evening - it's so much more stimulating, - and I would quite happily do that most nights to be honest.

 

I've always been a self-entertainer - I enjoy entertaining myself. I've got so many things that I enjoy doing, like fishing, shooting, gaming etc etc.. Her on the other hand does NOTHING. I've tried involving her with things, like coming to play a game of tennis or badminton etc, but she just won't do it, or if she does (she came and played tennis once) gives up and can't be arsed. the only thing she does like doing is photography, but even then it's me that has to suggest it and motivate her to get up and go out. She's been once this year so far, and ventured as far as our garden. We do however like going out for meals, cinema etc but we don't have any money for it.

 

So it got to the point recently where she was constantly talking about the wedding and trying to get me involved in looking at honeymoons etc. But i have to be honest guys otherwise i'm only cheating myself.. I'm not looking forward to the wedding at all, and I want no involvement in anything to do with it. We've been arguing so much at home because of this. At the same time she gives me a lot of hassle over me playing on the PC. I just want to be able to do things without having to tip toe around her, making sure it's Ok for me to go online for a bit etc..

 

Sex has almost come to a halt, and she rarely even takes care of down there now (keeping tidy) - it's so not appealing to me right now, whatsoever. In fact, I stopped watching porn too, but even earlier it was less hassle to see to myself with some porn, than to put the effort in to have sex.

 

So last week we sat down and I told her that I was fed up and something had to change. We both feel like we are two people living under one roof. I told her that it'd be wrong for us to get married without first solving the problems in the relationship. Now we have just over 6 months until the date (with people traveling from as far as the far east) and I feel it most appropriate to just postpone the wedding, take the stress out of having this clock ticking down, and readdressing the areas in our relationship that need improvement. This would also free up over £600 a month which we could use on spontaneous trips away etc, and attempt to save this relationship. You know, LIVE a little.

 

So after all this she's still putting pressure on me to go ahead with the wedding. She's played a few cards, such as putting on the added pressure of people traveling to be here etc, but, at the end of the day it's not their commitment. It's our commitment to each other, and we'd have to live with the consequences should it be the wrong decision.

 

I'm not happy people. If we called off the wedding I would be more than willing to give it a go with her, we'd argue less and she'd become more appealing to me and to see if we can fix the issues we have. I do not believe that it'd be wise or healthy to do this with a wedding date looming.

 

I have pretty much spelled it out, but still she applies pressure for us to go ahead. Such as suggesting:

 

1. we have a smaller wedding, spending less so we can spend more on enjoying ourselves now.

2. just going through with it, and enjoy the money we have after the wedding.

 

I feel both options aren't even options at all....

 

At this very moment in time, If I married her, it'd be me making a sacrifice to make her happy. It wouldn't be for me, not even for us - just her and her family. Can you please clarify for me. Should I put myself first in this instance, or her...?

 

At the same time, and I feel somewhat ashamed, I am starting to notice other women a lot and I can't help but feel I'm getting noticed back. Obviously I'm not going to run off with someone, but the thoughts of excitement are there.. and to be honest, the thought of having my own life back is rather appealing - I enjoy not having to revolve around someone else - especially when we're not getting along.

 

I know that if we did break up, that I would be OK. BUT, this is very difficult. I love her,I do , and I care for her so much which is why i've kept quiet until now. I don't want to lose her, but at the same time, not sure (while going through this rough time) whether I should be with her. You only live once, why be miserable? But that's easily said. I know if we split up I would miss her a lot, and would find it hard not talking to her.

 

She is my best friend afterall, and I could email her all day while at work (which I don't, but used to before starting to work towards this promotion).

 

It's really becoming crunch time now, and I really don't know what to do..

 

Would really appreciate your views, and i'd be happy to answer any questions you have.

 

Thanks

Mike (alias)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you go to see a pre-marital counselor and figure out what went wrong in this long relationship. I also don't think it matters about the wedding logistics -far more important that you go into this feeling excited and sure. Obviously you felt excited and sure about her in the past -what changed and what can be done about it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree that its time for some pre-marital counselling.

And at the same time, destroying your relationship because you're being stretched so thin FOR ONE DAY isn't good. Can you not put aside an extra $25.00 and go out? Some of the most fun times I had with my husband was finding ways to be frugal and still go out. Free festivals, carnivals, $2.00 cheap night movies, someone offering up tickets for a sporting event or jazz concert we scooped them up, using coupons etc. We never stopped 'dating' when money was tight, you get creative. We took the time to go through ads and newspapers and explore our city to see what was out there. You have control over your relationship and the way it goes...you've allowed this 'one day' to control your lives and has destroyed your once enjoyable relationship. It is one day! Get one less centerpiece and take that $100 and get your fiancé back!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey there.

My only advice will be this - talk to her calmly about what you have on your heart and what is bothering you.

BOTH of you should invest into this relationship. Your gaming isn't helping the situation, quite honestly I would be pissed too. Its not like you are a teenager.

If you want to work on it - work on it. Seek counselling, seek compromises.

If you look at her and you DREAD the day she will walk down the aisle to become your wife - for gods sake cancel the wedding and go your separate ways. Stop postponing it. Have a talk with your girl.

 

It also sounds like she became very comfortable with you after setting a date, and you did the same, actually.

Is she chooses the ceremony over you and your happiness - then I guess you have your answer right there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey there.

My only advice will be this - talk to her calmly about what you have on your heart and what is bothering you.

BOTH of you should invest into this relationship. Your gaming isn't helping the situation, quite honestly I would be pissed too. Its not like you are a teenager.

If you want to work on it - work on it. Seek counselling, seek compromises.

If you look at her and you DREAD the day she will walk down the aisle to become your wife - for gods sake cancel the wedding and go your separate ways. Stop postponing it. Have a talk with your girl.

 

Thanks for your reply. We do intend to talk again tonight and I agree that we should cancel the day, not set a new one and focus on the areas that need fixing.

 

I don't look at her and dread the day she walks down the aisle, it's just that I want us to have a more solid relationship before taking on the commitment. If it works out that we're not compatible, then it's easier to fix than if we are legally bound.

 

Your comment regarding the gaming, well I always have done since my teens. In my place of work (IT role), there are 6 or 7 of us that get together and spend a few hours on Saturday night - it';s a team building and social activity. I try and get on 1 or 2 nights in the weekd to. If I can just say now, that this is the only night I socialise else where. So that means 3 nights to myself, and 4 with her - whats wrong with that ratio? I believe that she should accept this part of me, as me. I would never stop her from doing something she enjoyed, ever.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks very much, I did suggest that we see a counselor but she refused and wants to sort it out ourselves. There is nothing we can do over here for $12 believe me - we live on a very expensive Island. A meal, just the food, is typically £30 - and that's at a pub. If we went out for a proper meal and a few drinks then it's easily £100 at the restaurant, and £45 for a taxi.

 

Being such a small island, we don't have all those nice little carnivals and events on - it really is a 'make your own entertainment' place, unless you have money for trips off-island to the UK etc

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What strikes me is that the second the money got tight, you discovered that you actually have nothing in common and nothing that binds you together. I think you are correct to put off the wedding and figure out if you are truly right for each other or not. If you choose to postpone or call it off, now is the time. Your counter argument is basically that now is still early enough where people haven't bought flight tickets or if they have, everything can still be refunded. You aren't getting married so your relatives can have a party. Having a smaller wedding is an option, but you need to know deep in your heart that she is the one for you first. That you have enough in common to weather rough times in life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with posters that said pre-marital counseling is in order. But I think you and your gf have both come up with really good ideas:

 

1. You need to loosen the purse strings on the savings plan and stop letting the expense of the wedding strangle you. Reduce the size of the wedding to something you can comfortably afford so you're not miserable in the interim.

 

2. Let folks know now that there are some changes to wedding plans and it might be pushed back a couple months. It's still 6 mos away...it's unlikely anyone has made any purchases or unchangeable plans this far out.

 

The problem isn't just the wedding obviously, but it is putting an almost unbearable strain on top of the existing problems.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If she won't go to marriage counseling how about a communication and listening course? If a marriage is going to survive people need to know how to communicate without offending and listen without defending. That would be well worth your time and money.

 

As it is now you should not get married now because if you think the wedding is expensive the divorce will be more so. And if you can't communicate that's exactly where it will head.

 

Also too if you can't have a normal existence you're probably paying more for one single day then you can afford. Scale back your wedding. People who get married for $3000 are just as married as the people who spent $100,000. Marriage is about the next 50 years of your life not one day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If my hubby and I were stranded on an island, we'd still have a blast - provided we are able to make some kind of shelter, and access to getting or hunting for food. We have a blast sitting in long car rides together. It's not about what you do - it's about who you are with...The fact that she doesn't care about connecting with you - that's the problem - has she been depressed lately - anxious from the wedding - not saying what's on her mind? Did you two have a fight months ago, that may still harbor some sense of resentment?

 

Sometimes, putting together a calendar of 30 things, with one new thing to do a day is a complete help.

 

1) Going to a new town to explore and look around.

2) Bike Rides

3) Hiking

4) Cooking a new seafood dish

5) Playing instruments together

6) Scavenger hunts around the house

7) Boardgames

8) Coffee Dates with friends

9) Book readings, poetry readings

10) Create gift registries all at different places for fun - even super fancy things.

10) Etc.

 

I think something happened. Just not going out to dinner is going a kill what was a solid relationship. Try having kids, and then tell me what happens to your social life - and plenty of married couples with kids are doing fine - it's having a commonality - something to talk about and share together, whether ridiculous or full of adventure.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks very much, I did suggest that we see a counselor but she refused and wants to sort it out ourselves. There is nothing we can do over here for $12 believe me - we live on a very expensive Island. A meal, just the food, is typically £30 - and that's at a pub. If we went out for a proper meal and a few drinks then it's easily £100 at the restaurant, and £45 for a taxi.

 

Being such a small island, we don't have all those nice little carnivals and events on - it really is a 'make your own entertainment' place, unless you have money for trips off-island to the UK etc

 

What did you used to do with her before? You need to have two player activities with her that both of you enjoy. If you don't then try to get things that you both enjoy into the same activity. The other thing is, how much do you talk to her? How much do you know about what's going on at her work or how her day is going? If your relationship is based on activities that require money, you're going to have issues later down the road too. And these issues may not be with just her, it could be anyone you choose to go with and have kids with.

 

From what you describe it sounds like you had a lot to talk about the first two years, you got engaged over it, and now things have gotten boring. You probably didn't game as much during the first two years and now it's probably the thing you want to do the most. Does this sound true or is is something else?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've always been a self-entertainer - I enjoy entertaining myself. I've got so many things that I enjoy doing, like fishing, shooting, gaming etc etc.. Her on the other hand does NOTHING.

...

I'm not looking forward to the wedding at all, and I want no involvement in anything to do with it. We've been arguing so much at home because of this. At the same time she gives me a lot of hassle over me playing on the PC. I just want to be able to do things without having to tip toe around her, making sure it's Ok for me to go online for a bit etc..

This is the problem. You guys are not spending enough time together. You are not finding activities to do together to keep your relationship bonds running strongly. You are still gonna have to worry about this problem after you both are married. This doesn't go away.

 

I feel it most appropriate to just postpone the wedding, take the stress out of having this clock ticking down, and readdressing the areas in our relationship that need improvement. This would also free up over £600 a month which we could use on spontaneous trips away etc, and attempt to save this relationship.

This statement doesn't tell me you are ready for marriage, period. No commitment whatsoever. If your going to postpone then you better have a damn good reason and have a date planned to postpone it to... Or you are telling your fiancée that you do not want to get married. She will feel that you've strung her along and will end up losing her. I guarantee it.

 

She's played a few cards, such as putting on the added pressure of people traveling to be here etc, but, at the end of the day it's not their commitment.

I agree.. But if you want to postpone, better do it now before people spent over a thousand for plane tickets and can't get their money back.

 

If we called off the wedding I would be more than willing to give it a go with her, we'd argue less and she'd become more appealing to me and to see if we can fix the issues we have.

What if she does not want to stay with you after canceling a wedding? Because honestly... If you can't give her the commitment she expects out of the relationship with you, then why should she stay? To me, canceling a wedding would be extremely emotionally devastating and mean the end of the relationship entirely.

 

Thanks very much, I did suggest that we see a counselor but she refused and wants to sort it out ourselves

I am the same way. If you can't sort your issues out before the wedding day, then it's cheaper to dump the relationship. You guys aren't showing any form of commitment to each other here and wanna do your own thing. I consider couples/marriage counseling as a last resort when you are married because of financial and custody considerations- which you both don't have atm. I've known so many people who went to counseling- one of them being my aunt - before their wedding... all of them are divorced. My parents went to couples counseling and it didn't work for them either; the therapist told them to get a divorce. Instead they ended up working the issues out together (compromises), are STILL married without any issues now, and going on their third honeymoon next month.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cancelling a wedding would be extremely emotionally devastating and mean the end of the relationship entirely.

 

ONLY if there is nothing to save. I believe that there is plenty here to save. People are all quite different, but as long as they treat each other with love and respect (that includes spending plenty of quality time with them) any relationship can work. OP-- reading that, it was like my husband could have written it. He easily entertains himself, and loves very little more than escaping into a game after a long workday. Actually, reading your post made me understand him a bit more, so thank you very much for that!

 

It’s your hobby, and that’s fine. However, the signal you’re sending to your fiance is that you don’t want to spend time with her. Is your computer in the same room or another room? It can make a huge difference to be in the same room together, even if she’s watching tv and you’re gaming. Right now, the wedding is her hobby, and she expects you to be at least somewhat involved, and honestly, you should be. Planning a wedding can be a big deal, and it sounds like she is really working hard at it. For you to say that you don’t care about the wedding at all has got to be hurtful to her. It’s her efforts, her ideas, and her own personal talents all coming together to create a wedding day for the both of you.

 

On that note, the wedding project seems to have gotten out of control if you two cannot live your normal lives because you have a wedding looming over you. Others have said to scale it back, and I agree. I got married 6 months ago, we had 80 guests, and spent $5,000. It was certainly no lavish affair, but it was tasteful and fun. Our friends and relatives are still telling us what a fantastic time they had, what a personal wedding it was. The reality of it is, my husband and I didn’t want the wedding to take over our lives or dictate our finances. If we couldn’t easily save up the amount needed, then we wouldn’t do it. It really is just one day. It’s a magical, wonderful day, but for entirely different reasons than elaborate centrepieces or engraved invitations. If you guys are not happy now, you won’t be happy after the wedding.

 

Also, little known fact--- after the wedding there is a bit of a letdown, like the ultimate Christmas has ended and you (especially the person mainly planning the event) are kind of at a loss. Sure, you’re happy, you’re excited, you’re NEWLYWEDS! But there is a sense of loss. The woman (generally) changes her name, the decor is brought back to the rental place or sold, the dress is put away, and it’s back to life as it was before. There’s a name for it now--the post-wedding blues.

 

Anyways, the best solution here is to find something you both enjoy doing, that you can do together. Not idly watching tv, her wishing she could watch her movie or you wishing you could be playing your game... you need to find something that will give you something to chat about, to make plans around, and to bring your friends into. It could be anything!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi there, thank you very much for the reply, and of course to everyone else who replied. I have to say however that this post that i've quoted is very much relevant to my situation.

 

We have spoken again last night briefly, I do think that we need to spend more quality time together. I have managed to persuade her to come and have a game of badminton with me tomorrow night and I plan on trying to make it as fun as possible for her so hopefully she'll keep it up as something we can do together. Equally however she quite fancies taking a salsa lesson, so yes, you can guess, there was a trade-off to this badminton session - I have to go take a dance lesson with her. Oh dear, I have two left feet!! but i'll be glad to go and do something with her.

 

She deep down doesn't want to postpone the wedding. I can 100% understand and appreciate the work she has put in to the day, but still I do feel we are best leaving it for now until we are both in a better place to do it.

 

p.s. I agree, whether the day goes ahead or not, we have so much to save in this relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can you go for a walk together in the evenings? My husband and I try to do this as much as possible. We talk about our dreams and aspirations, the past, the future ,the now. It is a time only for us. No TVs ,no gadgets, no games. You are there and in the now and nobody can escape. It is also free!

 

Go for a nice picnic sometime! A good old-fashioned picnic with some wine crackers and cheese or something. Also not expensive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...