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Here we go again.....boyfriend doesn't know what he wants


cam116

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So I've been dating this guy for about 6 months now. Everything has been fine, we've been on a lot of adventures together, have tons of fun when we hang out etc. Lately, he's been VERY stressed from work. He's a nurse, and has been working overtime in a very stressful environment here in the Northeast (where it's been snowing for the past 30 days straight it seems). So he's been a little distant. Not wanting to hang out as much, very tired etc. I've attributed this sudden change in attitude to his stresses, and did not bring up my concerns because I did not want to add more stress to his life. Well, it got to me tonight. I asked him point blank if he was interested in the relationship at all. He said it's something he's been thinking about, and didn't know if it was due to stress from work or something else.

 

Sure. Fine. Whatever. So I asked him how long he had been thinking about it, and he told me he realized when I asked him the question. Long story short, I got a little agitated at him, sent a few degrading texts (nothing super mean), and finally ended up calling him to get the real scoop as to what the hell was going on. He sounded upset, and couldn't really give an answer as to what was going on. He said he felt like the stress from work was "fogging him up", but that I "put pressure on him by asking him what was going on". So I told him that I probably should have worded my original question better, that I just wanted to know if his sudden distance was due to work stress or something else. He still couldn't figure it out. We hung up the phone in limbo.

 

I understand being stressed out and not being able to give anything to a relationship. I've been there. We spent Valentine's night together at my apartment, just drinking wine and watching movies. I didn't want to ask him to take me out to dinner in fear of stressing him out more than I knew he was stressed. Everything seemed "okay", but he still seemed distant, and after tonight's conversation I can't figure out if he's done with the relationship, or if he just can't figure things out due to work stress. Has anyone (specifically guys) ever been in a position when stressful life factors interfered with their relationship? I know it happens, but I just can't figure out where his head is after our conversation. He seemed very unsure. Any insight would help

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the best thing for you to do is to let him figure this all out for himself. if he doesn't know, then he needs time to realize. if he does know, then it's a matter of time that he'll let you know. either way, you can't get an answer out of him since he's already told you that he's been thinking about it but was unsure.

 

what you need to decide to do is how much more or longer could you take this from him? it's tough to be in your position, because you feel like you're helpless and that makes you want to do everything you can to save the relationship. but really that will ruin the relationship even more. if he knows he want to be with you, he'll never put you in the position that you are in now.

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I'm dealing with something similar...My boyfriends grandpa just passed away. He kinda has shut me out and started questioning our relationship. Give him some time and space to work things out on his own. I've noticed that I made things worse the more times I tried the over emotional phone calls/texts. Let him figure things out a little bit and then reevaluate.

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Probably doesn't make sense to send degrading texts and then ask someone how they feel about you.

 

Instead of pressing him until he pops with a breakup, why not just step away from this yourself?

 

He knows how to reach you if he wants to, and pushing someone to come up with any answers in your favor is counter-productive.

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I just went thru this on the other side. The girl i was dating for 5 months asked me what's going on. I told her I don't know.

 

She took it as a NO and we argued and cried. Now it's over. I'm hurt by it. Only thing I regret was NOT telling her to give me some time to think about it as oppose to just taking it as a NO and going titt for tat afterwards.

 

Now I'm feeling pain. Please give him time. And if you think you can't wait around for him then don't. Tell him you need to know now and if not then you're gonna have to move on.

 

Compromise somehow

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Six months is a very important marker in a lot of relationships. It's a make-it or break-it time (as is 3 months and one year) where people are trying to figure out if they really want someone long-term. You sending degrading texts and calling to follow up was a series of really bad moves because now he's associating you with these negative feelings he's having (when they may have just been about work before).

 

It's ok not to like the distance. But the best way to address it is in person during a comfortable moment in a non-confrontational way. And it is best to only mention it once. If he can't answer immediately, then you know he can't answer immediately. But at least you have done your best to let him know his distance is not ok forever.

 

So, now you have to do some damage control. Give him all the space he has asked for.

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Thanks guys. I am going to give him space. I don't plan on doing anything because there's nothing I can do. He kept saying that he felt I was forcing him to make a decision on the spot. That wasn't the intention of my questioning his interest, but he took it that way. I apologized and explained it to him. Feeling him distance himself just brought back all the old feelings from the time period when my ex was pulling away, obviously eventually ending that relationship. I know there's nothing I can do from here. I just don't know if I should say anything.....like "I'm here if/when you want to talk"? Or should I just leave it as is?

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Thanks guys. I am going to give him space. I don't plan on doing anything because there's nothing I can do. He kept saying that he felt I was forcing him to make a decision on the spot. That wasn't the intention of my questioning his interest, but he took it that way. I apologized and explained it to him. Feeling him distance himself just brought back all the old feelings from the time period when my ex was pulling away, obviously eventually ending that relationship. I know there's nothing I can do from here. I just don't know if I should say anything.....like "I'm here if/when you want to talk"? Or should I just leave it as is?

 

If he's pulling away in advance of ending the relationship, saying "I'm here if/when you want to talk" is not going to help your case. You can't convince him to be with you (which is not your intent but will be the end result.)

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Thanks guys. I am going to give him space. I don't plan on doing anything because there's nothing I can do. He kept saying that he felt I was forcing him to make a decision on the spot. That wasn't the intention of my questioning his interest, but he took it that way. I apologized and explained it to him. Feeling him distance himself just brought back all the old feelings from the time period when my ex was pulling away, obviously eventually ending that relationship. I know there's nothing I can do from here. I just don't know if I should say anything.....like "I'm here if/when you want to talk"? Or should I just leave it as is?

 

Okay: that is the OPPOSITE of giving him space.

 

Walk away from this, emotionally, for now. Stop obsessing. Stop thinking. Don't watch his online activities. Put your focus on YOURSELF, YOUR life -- hang out with friends and do things you enjoy. That's how you create space -- by taking the focus off of them.

 

Just live your life right now. Don't contact him. Don't do anything to create drama or pressure -- or anything you think might just be *friendly* or *helpful*.

 

Just let go for now.

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I know I need to leave him be. I wish he could have just given me an answer. I really think he been stressed from work, because I know he has been. He hasn't had the energy to do anything lately. I wasn't trying to stir up last night, but I was getting frustrated to the point where I just wanted to know what he was thinking.

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I've been leaving him alone. He texted method morning after noticing I wasn't on Facebook anymore, saying "well I got deleted fast". I told him I didn't delete him, just my whole Facebook. I know no one has answers, guess I'm just venting. I'm hoping we can talk soon and find out what's going on. I forgot to mention he has PTSD, which I'm sure doesn't help with stress....

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I feel like "setting up a deadline" is the opposite of space, and is just going to pressure him more to have to make a decision on a whim. I know I need to let him come to me when he's had time to think, it's just hard

 

Well, you are not doing it for him. You are doing it for yourself. Are you willing to wait for his answer forever and prolong to the same phase you are currently at? That's why I said to set up a deadline that you both can agree upon - not giving him a deadline. If he can't give you a time frame, then we are back to square one - how long can you wait for him?

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I feel like "setting up a deadline" is the opposite of space, and is just going to pressure him more to have to make a decision on a whim. I know I need to let him come to me when he's had time to think, it's just hard

 

I've been in the same position for MONTHS, felt absolutely horrible, lost 25 pounds, couldn't eat couldn't sleep, and I allowed this to continue for months.. If I had the chance to do it over, I would have RAN hard after the first 'I don't know what I want'.

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The thing is I'm not devastated. Its on my mind, but I'm ready to move on if need be. I'm at the point where I just want answers so I can stop stressing. If it's over it's over. We've been texting back and forth today like normal, I'm hoping to talk to him tonight when he gets back. Well see.

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