How do I get excited about dating again

[dirtchewer]

A few weeks ago I posted a thread about my situation in the "breaking up" section of the forum. I'm not sure how many people read it, but I think my situation is pretty typical. Since then a lot has changed and I know that there isn't any hope of reconciliation anymore. She has moved on and I've been trying very hard to force myself to, and as such I've been talking to other girls, getting out of the house, working out, ect. and its helping. I still miss her, I still break down and cry over her, and I have a lot of low moments but I like to think I'm making progress.

Since my ex left me a girl who I was great friends with in high school got in contact with me. She is nice, fun, extremely attractive, and I had a major crush on her before I met my ex. The other day I started trying to flirt with her, and surprisingly she was pretty receptive to it. I was terrified of sitting alone all day thinking about my ex on Valentines Day, so I asked the girl out to dinner that night. She said yes. Slightly ironically the next day she told me she had forgotten she'd be busy V day, but would love to do it another time so I said that'd be fine.

So since then I've been trying to think of where to take her and what to do but I just can't get motivated or excited. I've always gotten butterflies and gotten super giddy when a girl says yes (like most guys) but this time my ex is all I can think of. I feel like it'll never be the same again and that's killing my chances of getting excited about another woman, even one that I would've done anything to have before I met my ex. I figured having another girl on my mind would make me forget about my ex, but it just makes me think of her more. I want to be excited about this, any guy would be, shes drop dead gorgeous, but I don't know how to.

My ex has a new boyfriend (a month after the break up) and she says that I should be "moving on like normal people do". She claims after all the hurt feelings, fighting, crying, ect. that she's happy to be laughing, cuddling, and joking with someone again, and I just want to scream "THAT SOUNDS GREAT I WISH I COULD TOO!". I'm sure this new girl could make me laugh, cuddle me, and joke with me just like my ex's new bf does with her, but it wouldn't be the same. My ex talks about moving on like its a choice and shes acted like it is too. One day she says in tears she loves me still, then the next she told me affirmatively "I'm moving on, I got a grip" and she did. I wish I could do that.

So my question is, how do I get excited about another girl? I know excitement isn't something you make yourself feel but I'm sure I can get myself pumped somehow. I want to have butterflies, I want feel that "click" with her, I want to feel the sparks fly when I kiss her for the first time, and I want to fall in love again, but all I feel is indifference and heartache.

Any input is appreciated as usual. Thanks guys.

[Philster30]

You dont force yourself, it comes naturally. For me, it took 3 months before I could see another girl and feel some form of attraction. I had tried to forget my ex forcing myself to date through dating website, dated once 3 separate girl before I gave up, I was just feeling worst afterwards. I waited until I finally once saw a girl, felt attracted, and naturally started talking to her (did'nt work out, does'nt matter, at that point it clicked that I wanted someone else).

 

Key is healing before moving on, otherwize your just gonna drag someone else down with you, and your gonna feel even worst through it. And to not force it, if you find someone amazing you're going to feel attracted to her.

 

But as you can guess, since i'm visiting this section, I definitely am not over her and still need help to process. I am able to suppress for some time what I felt for her, but when I last fell in love with another and got dumped, I went back missing that ex for which I visit this forum.

[Ms Darcy]

I still miss her, I still break down and cry over her, and I have a lot of low moments but I like to think I'm making progress.

 

So since then I've been trying to think of where to take her and what to do but I just can't get motivated or excited.

 

Yup ... you aren't excited because you are not over your ex. You are not supposed to date one until you have moved on from the other. Heal from the breakup first.

 

Do you struggle with being single or something?

[catfeeder]

It's really not fair to a new girl to use her as a distraction while still grieving over your ex. That's rebounding, and your gut is telling that it's wrong.

 

When you think of the pain you're in, it only makes sense that you wouldn't want to inflict that on someone who's only crime was to become invested in you.

 

Why not preserve your potential with the new girl by telling her that you still have old business to finish up in getting over your ex, but you really like her and hope she'll be open to you giving her a call in the future to see if she's still available?

 

Then jump off the dating train for a while and relax.

[dirtchewer]

Ms Darcy, I don't really struggle with being single but I wanted to move on to another. My ex did it so fast and she made it sound like finding someone new made it easier to heal, I guess that's just her though.

[heartxbroken]

You need to go through the process. It really doesn't matter how fast your ex moved on. It is not a game. It is not fair to anyone if you are trying to cover up your pain by dating. You will end up hurting the person you are dating and yourself. Take some time off and reflect on yourself. Seriously, it sounds so cliche but really, no one has a chance if you are dating while still in pain. It is a waste of everyone's time.

[nick66]

I think it's different for everyone. I was married for over 16 years, and while I was going through my divorce I couldn't really stand to look at another woman. I just couldn't look at a woman and feel any attraction, there was nothing there. I've been divorced since 12/13, and I can feel myself starting to look around a little bit.

 

I'm still not ready though, I just want to be alone with me and my kids at this moment in my life. I know one day I'll date again, but it's not something that crosses my mind very often.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy, I don't really struggle with being single but I wanted to move on to another. My ex did it so fast and she made it sound like finding someone new made it easier to heal, I guess that's just her though.

 

Dumpers tend to move on faster because they spent time distancing from you during the relationship. I would stay away from dating as you are not at all over your ex and you will hurt another girl just as your ex has hurt you.

[beans]

I would also think you are not ready for dating. Maybe you can just join a sports community or a club to meet new friends. I found myself attracted to new people because they were adventurous, goal-driven etc. It helped me put my ex down the pedestal because I am forming a modified preference of my ideal man.

[jphcbpa]

Don't compare your ex's outsides with your insides. Things are never as they seem. You ex is rebounding and will not be happy in the end. You best bet is to lay low, process, learn, heal up the right way without any distractions. Do not beat yourself up for still having feelings for her. This is not a race. Do not rush yourself. Just be with yourself for now. BTW, I am talking to myself as I am talking to you.

[dirtchewer]

Thanks for all the input guys! I just explained the situation to the girl and told her that I've realized I'm not ready to date again. Turns out she liked me a lot so I feel kinda low for disappointing her. Also, yes, it would've been rebounding if I did date her. I was thinking about it earlier and I think my lack of excitement was due partially to the fact that she's not really my type anymore. She was just available.

[No1]

Could you feel defeated because she was happy before you? Are you a competative guy by nature and you think because she is out there happy she beat you? Recovering from a break up is not a race to see who can find the next BF or GF. Once you and your then GF broke up you ceased to be on the same track as her and you are on your own path and on your on pace.

Perhaps you feel low because you feel she chose him over you? Or you feel guilt or you decided you were going to take the pain because its the easiest feeling to have. Remember, if you stand in the same place and not do a thing pain and depression will find you. Happiness must be searched for and earned.

Your X is gone, she is not coming back so why are you still mopey? You comparing girls to your X?

you will date when you are ready and when you decide that you are not going to let your X affect you any longer. No one is going to make you happy, so might as well go out there and find it yourself.