Lack of Romance

[MsCodeMonkey]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. He's not really a romantic I suppose. He says he "adores" me, and some days I believe him, and sometimes I feel like the lowest item on the totem pole. He feels uncomfortable with the word "love" for personal reasons which I'm still working on being ok with, but that's a different post isn't it? He's a very laid back easygoing sort of person most of the time. He deals with shifts of plans really well and doesn't get angry with me for my forgetfulness or clumsiness. Unfortunately, this trait also translates into our relationship. The task of planning dates falls on me. On one hand, he's willing to do most anything I want to do. On the other, I never get to feel even slightly pursued. I guess he lacks any sense of the romantic. I mean I asked him to plan something for our one year anniversary, and I got myself all excited cause I never got to be surprised about what we were doing, and we just went to a barbeque and a movie. I mean I like BBQ, and I like movies, but I guess I was hoping for candlelit dinner in the park or something. XD Not gonna lie. Do you think he honestly has no idea or that he just doesn't care?

 

His presents tend to be infinitely practical. For my birthday, I got a waffle maker, and for Christmas, he got me a rice maker. The waffle maker was nice cause I really like waffles though the rice maker, I had serious mix feelings about since I think he bought it for me just so I would make him chicken and rice more(ugh men). Well no matter, I've had fun with it anywho. This year for valentine's day he got me a giant hershey's kiss and a selena gomez CD. Neither were items I particularly wanted though chocolate is always enjoyable. He said he got me the cd cause he wanted to get me something I didn't have, and he figured she was kind of a disney princess, and I like disney princesses. Well, at least he got me something right? It even came in a gift bag with no tissue paper lol. We went to dinner at ihop, but he spent the whole time on the phone texting "Happy Friday" to everyone he knew then looking at funny pictures on facebook. -.-; Then, we went back to his place and he played his video game while I read my book until I pretty much nodded off and he suggested we go to bed/have sex. Well the second part he didn't say out loud, but his intentions were pretty clear on that front lol.

 

I'm a bit perturbed cause all day I see people talking about the amazing romantic things their boyfriends do for them, and I want that...to feel special you know? I mean don't get me wrong I love him for a million reasons, but it's hard not to feel like maybe he could try just a bit harder. I have to keep reminding myself of the things like holding hands in the car, and how when he sees me he lifts me up in a giant bear hug. I think of how he always gives me the parts of his meal he knows I like, and he takes care of things like weeding my yard or putting together furniture. Should I try to be satisfied with these thins or should I be more proactive about the romance issue. I feel like I care enough about him to spend the rest of my life wanting to hug/murder him, but this sincerely bothers me. Should I try to plan large romantic gestures for him and hope he gets the hint? Should I sit him down and try to explain...(I don't really want to be a nag about it)? Is there even a solution or is this just who he is? Will I have to accept that not everyone gets candlelight picnics and sweet notes left for them? Some of us have to see the love in ordinary things and remind ourselves that you can't change people. You either love them how they are or don't.

[FlashEng1]

You deserve to get whatever you want in a relationship. It's nice of you to have listed your pros and cons, but now it's time to weigh them out and have a serious conversation about it with him. Serious doesn't mean aggressive however; you don't want to fight but talk it out and understand him more.

 

Then after, decide what you want to do from there. Unfortunately the things you describe about him, appear to be part of him and who he is. The journey to change that? would be a long, daunting, and unfair journey to you both. As well, you can't ultimately change someone who doesn't know what they are doing wrong (if they are) nor can you change someone who doesn't want to change themselves.

 

If you aren't happy, say and do something about it

[Kendahke]

He's not going to "get it" because that's not the kind of guy he is.

 

You're going to have to ok with unimaginative, practical pseudo-gifts--because he's really getting it for you to get something out of you in return for himself--if you want to remain with him.

 

He just may be one of those dullards who couldn't buy a clue with a quarter you tossed at him. It's either that or he really doesn't care.

 

My suggestion is to show him this thread. Talk to him about how his gift giving makes you feel--how his lack of going out of his way for you makes feel, and what it is you'd like to see him do in the future. Then, if he still played the nut role and buys you a vacuum cleaner, then you'll truly know what time it is.

[goodheartlady]

If a man's gifts and dates are not romantic, he may not feel romantically about you.

 

Any man knows that flowers and perfumes are romantic gifts. And a waffle maker could be for a friend or his mother.

 

Is it possible that he sees you as a good partner - some he is comfortable with - but lacks the passion? Only you can answe that question.

[mmnyc5052]

You need to speak up about this, because if you don't it will continue as is and you will develop resentment about it because clearly it bothers you.

 

I suggest you have a serious - albeit unconfrontational- talk about all of this and what you wish he would do. You can't change him at his core but surely if he knows these things (romantic gestures) are important to you, if he truly does care for you he will make at least some consorted effort. If he balks and gets angry, he may not be who you want to be with.

 

Relationships are about compromise and communication. It's give and take, it goes both ways. You don't want to eventually be getting socks or cooking tools for Valentine's Day down the road, do you? Speak your heart.

[Ms Darcy]

Poor guy. It sounds like you expect him to be a mind-reader.

 

You were hoping for a candlelit dinner. Did you tell him this? Nope. So you are holding him to unspoken expectations. That is the number one way to make you and your bf miserable long-term.

 

Talk to him. Ask for what you want. Be specific. My bf and I give each other lists of what we want. We choose one thing from the list so we know the other person will like it but also there is an element of surprise.

 

It sounds like you are going to have to get the Disney fantasy about bfs out of your head. Ain't gonna happen.

[MsCodeMonkey]

To all - I already know it would be very silly for me to get mad at him for not fulfilling expectations he doesn't see that I have. I have to scold myself sometimes for anticipating things too much. Maybe I wouldn't get disappointed so much if I stopped painting romantic pictures in my head. I'm working on communicating things more though I have to admit that I kind of want the romance to come from him not from me... The list idea is a good one Ms. Darcy. Otherwise as mmync said I'll be getting socks for my next anniversary lol. Maybe as Kendahke says I'll have better luck with the written word. I really hope he does care though. I wouldn't stay with him if I didn't think he does care about me. Sometimes I get into the head space that I'm someone people feel comfortable around...they like me, but I don't inspire great acts of passion and romance. I'm the cute librarian type...friendly, sweet, non confrontational. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. It's hard for me to talk about difficult things with people I know well.

[Ms Darcy]

Is there anything you would like to be more of? Not saying you should change, but self-improvement is always good.

 

Ultimately, I think the more confident and happy you are, the more you will inspire passion. Just don't expect the passion to come packaged as you expect. Also, read The Five Love Languages. Your bf sounds like love to him may be "acts of service" (which would explain the very functional gifts) and not "words of affection." So the more passionate he feels about you, the more he might weed your yard (no double entendre there!)

[MsCodeMonkey]

There are certainly things I need to work on about myself. My difficulty in dealing with negative feelings and emotions and clearly expressing them is certainly the most troublesome currently. It's easy for me to be happy or to praise others, but to be ok with being angry or sad or to tell someone something they're not doing is hard for me. I also need to work on clearly expressing my expectations though sometimes I don't realize I had an expectation until it's horribly horribly crushed. I try not to let him see those disappointments because it's not really his fault. I'll take a look for it next time I'm at barnes and nobles. I do appreciate the things he does for me, and I try to let him know how much those things mean to me even if I'm not entirely satisfied. I listened to my new CD all day at work. At first I wasn't so sure about it but Selena Gomez kind of grows on you after 8 hours of hearing her sing the same 11 songs lol. Also, I told him how delicious the chocolate was and how sweet it was for him to put it in a gift bag(especially one that was actually pink and valentines-y).

[bluemoon]

From the positives that you listed, it does sound like he cares.

My boyfriend insists on making me food and insists i shouldn't look until he's done. He's not entirely romantic either, but it's those little things that are really nice.

 

I'd say just talk to him about it, and start on your own initiative! If it's one of your needs of importance to you, then he should be able to understand and adapt a little

[annie24]

I kind of get the sense that your boyfriend is kind of clueless. I think a lot of men are. A CD and chocolate do sound like a nice V-day gift, I don't think they are unromantic gifts per se. Maybe not what you wanted, but I think he tried.

 

I almost feel like with a guy like this, you should write out a list of things you like/would consider romantic presents or date ideas (ie, flowers, romantic picnic, wine with candlelight). But it's hard to do that without sounding materialistic or snobby.

 

how is he as a bf otherwise?

[Realitynut]

Ive been a hairdresser/stylist for longer than most of you have been living. Yep....i was already 'doing hair' when you were born Annie! lol

 

Anywhoo....a bf got me a blow dryer for Christmas one year! Ya think i was happy? (he also got me small pearl earings...but i was already pissed! lol)

[MsCodeMonkey]

@bluemoon - Aw that sounds sweet XD I usually do most of the cooking when we have home cooked type meals, but it's because I enjoy it. Feeding him is an expression of love.

@annie - He's super laidback, but he's always willing to do things men might not always be willing to do like going to musicals or sitting and watching disney movies. When I tell him work stories he tries to really listen and empathize even though I know my job is kind of boring for others(I make banking software). I do things like meet him for movies and forget the movies at work, and he'll drive up there with me to go get them. I'll admit he mocks me a bit, but he's not mean spirited. I think he just enjoys teasing me. When I do something especially ridiculous, he just pats me on the head and tells me something like "You just keep getting cuter". He calls me fester cause I have a tendency to let things build up inside of me until they explode. We don't usually fight though occasionally I want to murder kill him when he's being a jerk. He says the fact I occasionally want to murder him means we have a healthy relationship. Maybe? The few times I've been upset with him in earnest, he's made it better. I don't think he likes seeing me seriously upset. It's a pretty rare occasion I admit. He has faults, and I have faults. Overall, I think he's a good boyfriend.

[MsCodeMonkey]

@Reality - Men have no idea. XD On one hand, the gift is useful. On the other, you kinda wish he'd gotten you something useless and pretty. Well if life gives us waffle makers, we might as well make waffles. Which is why I have a big old box of bisquick in my pantry. I hope you got use out of your blow dryer as well once you stopped wanting to murder him

[browneyedgirl36]

Well, I have to say, I'd LOVE for a guy to give me a waffle maker (I love waffles too!) Or, really, anything for that matter. It's been so long since a guy bought me any sort of real gift -- unless you include that box of candy my ex gave me for Christmas this past year, but he gave one to all of the office staff and a few colleagues, so it wasn't specifically chosen for me. I'd gnaw off my right arm for any gesture of caring from a guy, I guess! Sad.

 

That said -- I agree with others who've said that if you want special, you should give him some direction -- i.e "I LOVE this new perfume I smelled at the department store today" or "I'd love it if we could have a romantic candle light dinner for Valentine's Day!" Men don't take hints -- they really don't. They are a lot more direct than we are (yes, I know that's a generalization, but...I've found it to be accurate about 99% of the time in my 43 years on this planet). You have to be specific. My sister TELLS my brother-in-law what she wants for Christmas EVERY year, and she gets it -- ALL of it. If she said nothing, lord knows what he'd buy her, if anything.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend really cares about you. He just may not be able to tell what you really want for special occasions. It doesn't hurt to give him a little nudge.

[itsallgrand]

This is actually a happy post, to me. Even though it is something that bothers you, it does sound like there is love here between you two and so yay. Refreshing from some of the other V day type posts.

 

If you can actually see yourself spending a life time with this man, well, your best bet might be working on that Fester part of your personality. That's awesome he accepts it; but if you do work on it, I bet it'll go miles and miles to helping ease minor conflicts like this.

[goodheartlady]

Men have no idea? Really? Does any man over the age of 20 realize that most women won't be thrilled with a waffle maker? Does it take a genius to realize some roses may be appreciated?

 

Does a man who is madly in love with a woman give a waffle maker as a gift??

[Realitynut]

I think i was 19 when this really cute guy gave me a 4 slice toaster! lol....I remember i gave him a yellow sweater! He was 18...actually i turned 20 on Christmas eve and he couldn't handle dating an 'older' woman so he broke up! We only dated 'weeks' but he was so darn cute....woow....i didn't even mind the toaster! I think i liked it! I thought it was extravagant....FOUR SLICES! Had it for years!

 

I too like this thread! OP sounds very sweet and she and her bf really have a good relationship! Yes, wanting to murder him only occasionally is good!

[catfeeder]

I have to admit that I kind of want the romance to come from him not from me...

 

Then you should find a guy who's innately romantic. Short of that, it's unfair to pursue someone who hasn't a romantic bone in his body and expect him to live up to an imaginary bar he doesn't know about.

 

Why not consider that since you want him to develop a skill he doesn't have, you should develop a skill ~you~ don't have, and learn the art of romantic negotiation?

 

Then teach him what you learn.

 

Offer to put something on the table that he wants in exchange for something that you want.

 

Do this often enough, and you'll teach on another things about yourselves that could be fun--and romantic or sexy to discover. You could end up learning some real surprises, including how to treat one another to secret role playing or massages or special foods...or whatever.

 

Point is, it makes no sense to sit back and be boring while expecting someone else to entertain you. Step up if you want him to step up.

 

EnjOy.

[missmarple]

A waffle maker for your birthday and.....a rice maker for Christmas...LOL..sorry, but that made me laugh (and I thank you for it as I'm off work sick today and bored at home)!

I think your boyfriend does care but he has no idea how to be romantic. Could it be that his dad is like this, too? Boys see the way their fathers treat their mothers and it affects them. If all his father ever got his mother for her birthday was, say, a coffee maker or a pasta maker, maybe he thinks those are great gifts!

What you can do, apart from telling him in no uncertain terms 'honey, I want red roses and silk underwear for my birthday', is to be extra romantic yourself and hope he gets the message.

In long-term relationships people tend to mirror each other's actions. Have you tried that?

[Throwaway999]

Poor guy. It sounds like you expect him to be a mind-reader.

 

You were hoping for a candlelit dinner. Did you tell him this? Nope. So you are holding him to unspoken expectations. That is the number one way to make you and your bf miserable long-term.

 

Talk to him. Ask for what you want. Be specific. My bf and I give each other lists of what we want. We choose one thing from the list so we know the other person will like it but also there is an element of surprise.

 

It sounds like you are going to have to get the Disney fantasy about bfs out of your head. Ain't gonna happen.

 

I kind of get the sense that your boyfriend is kind of clueless. I think a lot of men are. A CD and chocolate do sound like a nice V-day gift, I don't think they are unromantic gifts per se. Maybe not what you wanted, but I think he tried.

 

I almost feel like with a guy like this, you should write out a list of things you like/would consider romantic presents or date ideas (ie, flowers, romantic picnic, wine with candlelight). But it's hard to do that without sounding materialistic or snobby.

 

how is he as a bf otherwise?

 

Men have no idea? Really? Does any man over the age of 20 realize that most women won't be thrilled with a waffle maker? Does it take a genius to realize some roses may be appreciated?

 

Does a man who is madly in love with a woman give a waffle maker as a gift??

 

A waffle maker for your birthday and.....a rice maker for Christmas...LOL..sorry, but that made me laugh (and I thank you for it as I'm off work sick today and bored at home)!

I think your boyfriend does care but he has no idea how to be romantic. Could it be that his dad is like this, too? Boys see the way their fathers treat their mothers and it affects them. If all his father ever got his mother for her birthday was, say, a coffee maker or a pasta maker, maybe he thinks those are great gifts!

What you can do, apart from telling him in no uncertain terms 'honey, I want red roses and silk underwear for my birthday', is to be extra romantic yourself and hope he gets the message.

In long-term relationships people tend to mirror each other's actions. Have you tried that?

 

IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT MEN, FOR WOMEN:

 

1. Men do not read minds

 

2. MEN DO NOT TAKE HINTS! I really can't stress this enough.

 

You want him to read your mind and know what to do without telling him, because it would be more romantic if he spontaneously did exactly what you want. But he can't read your mind.

 

You think that if you casually mention something he'll pick up on what you mean, but it ain't gonna happen. You might think you are being obvious but men's minds don't work that way. "I want you to take me out for a fancy dinner" is something direct that a man will understand. "Sally's boyfriend took her out for a fancy dinner. That sure was nice!" is going to fly right over his head.

 

I know the whole idea of something being romantic is that it is a spontaneous gesture, but it is really planned spontanaety. This guy sounds well-meaning but clueless, and it probably isn't something he is going to figure out unless a.) you tell him exactly what you want, or b.) you dump him and tell him it was because he wasn't romantic and then maybe he gets it together for his next girlfriend.

[Realitynut]

I one time took a bf into Walgreens and placed him before the 'romantic' cards so he would get the idea. I mean..i left him there and said, "ok...here's the cards....

 

Came back a few minutes later with him staring at the ceiling......](*,)

[goodheartlady]

In general, the line "men do not read minds" really just absolves adult men of all responsibility. You can knowingly and purposefully disappoint a woman, and scream "well you never said this - hence it is your fault." It is an awesome line - I wish we can all have an get-out-of-jail card like that!

 

You can't turn on the TV or walk in mall around Valentines day without getting hammered in the head with what most women consider romantic. To say that an adult male does not see the difference better a rice cooker and a dosen roses is just silly.

 

Finally, how people treat you reflects how he feels about you. Say your man is single, and by some miracle, he lands a date with Kate Upton, will he take her out to a candle lit dinner to take her to a cheap burger joint?

[toby17]

IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT MEN, FOR WOMEN:

 

1. Men do not read minds

 

2. MEN DO NOT TAKE HINTS!

 

Quite frankly, no one reads minds. But telling someone what's romantic isn't romantic and you shouldn't need to.

 

This guys sounds like he knows that he's supposed to provide presents but he doesn't sound like he's really all that interested in what he gets.

 

Do I think you should be upset? Yes. Do I think you should complain to him about it - I wouldn't waste my time.

 

Quite frankly, he's not all that interested in you (red sign) or he's dull (why settle for that?).

[Throwaway999]

You can't turn on the TV or walk in mall around Valentines day without getting hammered in the head with what most women consider romantic. To say that an adult male does not see the difference better a rice cooker and a dosen roses is just silly.

 

Wait, I thought media portrayals set up unrealistic expectations no real person could live up to, just to sell things by feeding on insecurities?

 

Oh yeah, that only applies to women's body image! This is totally different!

 

You know, my granddad didn't expect my grandmother to look like a bikini model. But also SHE didn't expect HIM to meet some Hollywood ideal of what's romantic. She would've been happy to get a rice cooker...