GBT: Differing advice for dumpers & dumpees. Discuss...

[Green82]

I'd like to bring up a discussion on how advice differs for dumpers and dumpees. I hope this is appropriate for this forum!

 

When a DUMPER posts a thread about regretting their decision and wanting their partner back, they are met with varying degrees of the same advice:

 

- "You left him/her, they don't need you anymore!"

- "You dumped them for a reason! And that reason is likely still there!"

- "You just want what you can't have!"

- "Don't toy with their emotions, let them move on!"

- "If they haven't spoken to you yet, they've probably already moved on anyway!"

 

 

Meanwhile, when the DUMPEE posts a thread about wanting their partner back who dumped them, they are met with this advice:

 

- "If it's meant to be, it will be."

- "If they want you back, they know how to find you. Move on otherwise."

- "You need to work on yourself and make yourself better, and if they see these changes they might want you back."

- "Go NC, and maybe then LC, to see if reconciliation is an option."

- "You and your partner need to both want a second chance, and you must discuss what failed in the prior relationship."

- "If he/she doesn't want you back, they're a jerk!"

 

 

For the dumpees, they get a lot of hope that reconciliation is possible (but not probable).

 

The dumper posts are met with a lot of "NOPE, DON'T GO BACK".

 

How can you tell dumpees that there MIGHT be a shot if follow proper steps, but then tell the dumpers not to even bother opening that door again when they are expressing regret at leaving the dumpee? Dumpees need the dumper to realize this, and when they finally do, the advice largely goes against it.

 

Just curious to see what you all think about the varying degrees of advice on this site. I understand everyone has their opinions, but this is a jarring reality I tend to see here, and perhaps I'm not the only one...?

 

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MY STORY:

My dumper let me down easy after a short relationship, telling me feelings changed. We work together and have been cool with each other. He has done things recently which show me he cares about me a great deal. Brought me food at home when he heard I was ill. Randomly bought me a Lego set from my favorite movie. Bought me cupcakes when he returned a cookie tin I let him borrow BEFORE our breakup. Still insists on giving me a bottle of wine from his trip that was BEFORE our breakup. But he has not spoken words expressing a desire to get back together.

 

It's messing with my emotions and that's not cool. To me, these "breadcrumbs" are preventing me from fully moving on, and I feel that we should only be cordial at work and nothing in our personal life. Which is why I have looked at the dumpers point of view and have seen people here advise dumpers not to give ANY false hope as it can be misconstrued as a desire to get back together (which for me, it has!!). I do plan to speak with him soon about it. I must tell him that he needs to let me go so I may move on, and not to toy with me... I may get my heart broken again if he does tell me his actions "meant nothing" but at least then I will KNOW. And he will soon learn that he will lose contact with me for good and that, yes, I AM moving on without him.

[Tanzi]

To be honest I don't think your summary is correct. I rarely see dumpees being fed hope on here. Quite the opposite in fact. The majority of responses are that they need to move on and although I have seen the following advice being given I don't see ANY hope in these words …

 

"If it's meant to be, it will be."

"If they want you back, they know how to find you. Move on otherwise."

And as for the following, I have rarely (if ever) seen it put this way …

 

"You need to work on yourself and make yourself better, and if they see these changes they might want you back."

 

I have sometimes seen advice being given along these lines …..

 

"Go NC, and maybe then LC, to see if reconciliation is an option."

 

….. but that is often said by people new to a break-up situation and full of hope themselves. The majority of users on eNA, especially us seasoned ones, will say something completely different.

 

As for the dumper situation, well, I'm not sure there is enough of them for us to make any particular observations. I have certainly NEVER heard anyone say …

 

'You left him/her, they don't need you anymore!"

 

In a situation that needed such advice, a dumper might be advised to step back if the person they broke up with is in a new relationship or has made it quite clear that they have now moved on themselves but, whatever advice is given and whether it be to a dumpee or dumper it will be based on the facts given in the post/thread.

[sharky988]

Seriously, most people who post in this section are recent dumpees who just want advice on how to get their ex back.

 

They don't want to hear the most common advice given, which is to cut contact, focus on yourself and healing, and move on.

 

Most people aren't telling dumpees to hold out hope because most of the people who post here won't be reconciling and most of their stories make that pretty clear from an outisiders viewpoint.

 

It's pretty rare for a dumper to post in the "getting back together" section. But I've seen their posts in the other sections occasionally, and don't find it to be true that they're always given the kinds of replies that you've posted above.

 

Just my opinion, but I'm thinking you might have an ulterior motive for somehow wanting to discredit the advice given on this forum? Maybe because you're in a situation where sticking to No Contact is more difficult -- or are planning on going against the general advice by approaching your ex to ask about reconciling again.

[Tanzi]

What I get from your story is that this guy really likes and respects you as a friend - a very good friend - yet doesn't have the emotional feelings to be in a relationship with you. So, bearing in mind, that you have said it is preventing you from moving on then I agree that you should refrain from being close outside of work. You would be doing the right thing and if anyone else advised you to do that then, going back to the first part of your post, they wouldn't be wrong.

 

If any dumper is being advised NOT to give false hope to their ex (if their intention is not to get back with them) then surely that is not wrong either?

 

I'm sure his actions do mean something … just not what you really want them to mean.

[Green82]

Perhaps my skew is incorrect, which is partly why I posted - to see what others think about the advice given. But these are some of the vast generalizations I have seen, and of course it does depend on the situation given by the OP.

 

It is difficult to see the gems of advice from the seasoned posters, as you are right, many of the posts are people with fresh breakups who are looking for a quick fix.

 

As for my situation, yes it's difficult to move on as I cannot disconnect from him completely. My goal is to keep things professional for the sake of our jobs (something we have both been good with). He has been looking to move on for a long time, so the problem will resolve itself eventually. But you are right that talking to him is something I must do - as much as it will hurt to bring this up again with him, I need to draw the line and create a boundary so I don't fall under the spell of false hope.

[sharky988]

As for my situation, yes it's difficult to move on as I cannot disconnect from him completely. My goal is to keep things professional for the sake of our jobs (something we have both been good with). He has been looking to move on for a long time, so the problem will resolve itself eventually. But you are right that talking to him is something I must do - as much as it will hurt to bring this up again with him, I need to draw the line and create a boundary so I don't fall under the spell of false hope.

 

I'm confused -- who has advised you talk to him about the relationship again?

 

My understanding of the advice you've been given is to NOT read anything into his behavior and to avoid personal conversations and contact outside of work. You don't need to talk to him to create a boundary OR to get closure. Closure is something you create within yourself and doesn't have anything to do with him. You create a boundary for yourself simply by enforcing it.

 

I think you might be pushing to have this conversation with him because you're hoping to NOT get your heart broken again..... because you're hoping that if you bring up the relationship again, he's going to tell you he wants to get back together.

 

But if he WANTED to get back together, he'd say so. You wouldn't have to guess or wonder or try to interpret hidden meanings or initiate a conversation about boundaries. He'd let you know. Accepting this truth will save you from having false hopes.

[Tanzi]

As for my situation, yes it's difficult to move on as I cannot disconnect from him completely. My goal is to keep things professional for the sake of our jobs (something we have both been good with). He has been looking to move on for a long time, so the problem will resolve itself eventually. But you are right that talking to him is something I must do - as much as it will hurt to bring this up again with him, I need to draw the line and create a boundary so I don't fall under the spell of false hope.

 

Also, if he agrees to stick within those boundaries, it will reinforce to you that he is happy with his decision to end the relationship and therefore help you to move on because, no doubt, his actions have confused you and have indeed offered you false hope.

[Tanzi]

My understanding of the advice you've been given is to NOT read anything into his behavior and to avoid personal conversations and contact outside of work. You don't need to talk to him to create a boundary OR to get closure. Closure is something you create within yourself and doesn't have anything to do with him. You create a boundary for yourself simply by enforcing it.

 

I agree. OP, I ddn't mean you had to have a huge talk with him about "boundaries" per se. You just need to make it clear to him that your contact has to remain strictly professional when he asks to see you outside of work.

[Green82]

I agree. OP, I ddn't mean you had to have a huge talk with him about "boundaries" per se. You just need to make it clear to him that your contact has to remain strictly professional when he asks to see you outside of work.

 

Yes, this is what I am hoping to accomplish.

 

There had been a mutual attraction (unspoken) between us for years. We grew closer and closer and hung out together outside of work nearly every week. Those feelings just grew, until one day...we expressed those feelings to each other. All the things he is doing now? They are things he was doing even back then, which is why it's misguiding me. We sort of fell into dating and I think neither of us really knew how to handle work + relationship at the same time. It was difficult to say the least. Unfortunately, I went through some personal stress early on, and he distanced himself, and things weren't the same until he broke it off. As he said, feelings changed. I told him I didn't want it to end, that I was hurt, but that I understood his feelings. I accepted it, we hugged, and that was it. This was 3 months ago and we did not (and have not) spoken about it at all since then. I did not contact him outside of work, beg, plead, cry, blow up his phone, NOTHING. I gave him what he wanted, and left him alone, out of respect for his feelings and my own. I of course am still heartbroken, that is no lie. I am working on myself, and at work I am my old self to him, as to not make things awkward (no one knows we dated). Maybe HE'S misunderstanding me??? Who knows...

 

I wish I could say I was strong enough to NOT take what he's been doing as something more... But I'm not at that point yet. In fact, I'm in the process of finding a therapist or counselor so I can have someone to talk to.

[catfeeder]

He has been looking to move on for a long time, so the problem will resolve itself eventually. But you are right that talking to him is something I must do - as much as it will hurt to bring this up again with him, I need to draw the line and create a boundary so I don't fall under the spell of false hope.

 

When was the last instance of him feeding you false hope? I wouldn't discuss this unless or until he does something overt that calls for some major interpretation--which you have the option to just drop into the 'whatever' bin.

 

You're projecting. You're stirring yourself up and making that about him, and to be honest, it sounds like you're seeking an excuse to start up a 'meaningful' convo with him. That's not productive.

 

If he does something kind and it bothers you, simply say, "Thank you, but that wasn't necessary," and offer no further encouraging conversation about it. Period.

 

Follow your own dictum and behave as professionally as you want him to behave--and that's ALL you need to do.