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Boyfriends Grandpa Passed Away. . .Help?


Sforzando816

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So as a little background, my boyfriend and I go to the same college and have been dating since September. On Tuesday, his grandfather passed away. His family is all from Washington so he has no way of getting back there plus no one from his family has been keeping in touch. He ignored me all day Tuesday and I didn't know why, he called me at midnight that night to tell me what happened then said he wanted to meet up with me Wednesday night to talk and stuff. I meet up with him and he instantly decides to talk about our relationship future and how he wants to break up with me before summer which is not what we decided just a week or so before. Anyways, then he said he basically just wanted to stay away from me for a few weeks cause he didn't "have the energy". He has ignored my calls and texts, and it's very hurtful and frustrating. I understand he's going through a lot right now, but I don't understand what's going on with how he's acting. He sends me a goodnight text at night and that's it. Won't send anything else. I'm at a loss of what to do and need help.

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There isn't much you can do since this was a decision on his part.

 

Death affects people differently and it's very common to pull away from people in your life to deal.

 

I'd just suggest letting him know that you are there for him if he changes his mind and you have a shoulder to lean on or just to listen and how you feel about the situation. It's in his hands if he changes his mind or not or if this is how he chooses to deal with it.

 

When my mother passed away I struggled with my relationship because I was soooo exhausted from helping her when she was ill and became so drained when she finally died I just didn't want to have to think of anyone else and basically have a pity party and be miserable. Thankfully I was several years into my relationship where I knew it was silly to say bye bye to him and instead straight up said "I need a friend right now not a boyfriend..." And stressed that I just couldn't be there emotionally for him and I needed more friendship then a relationship that requires work. We never broke up but we took a step back from things to get through this rough patch of my life.

 

You can only do so much if this is his method of coping. Be there for him and let him know, he may come around or may not.

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We didn't break up yet, but he's just ignoring me right now. Except he still texts me goodnight every night. But nothing more than that. He doesn't communicate what he wants, even though I know it's space right now. Should I just not text him right now and just let him have his time? The funeral was yesterday and I know he couldn't go to Washington for it so he's probably down about that too. I always send him a good morning text that just says that I hope he's feeling better and that if he needs me I'm there. Should I continue that every day? Or just wait for him? And what confuses me more is that he's only done this to me. None of his other friends. He's acting like nothings wrong around them.

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But you aren't a friend, you're a girlfriend that requires more 'attention' then friends do. When with you/around you he needs to consider your feelings, take care of you, be there for you, etc. You don't need that with friends, you can just chill and have a good time. That's whats different. He isn't after 'taking care of someone emotionally' at this time.

 

Keep the contact if you like, unless its making you upset that he isn't responding. Pull back if you need to. You've made it known, but its obvious he wants some space so honour that. There's only so much you can do.

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I meet up with him and he instantly decides to talk about our relationship future and how he wants to break up with me before summer which is not what we decided just a week or so before. Anyways, then he said he basically just wanted to stay away from me for a few weeks cause he didn't "have the energy". He has ignored my calls and texts, and it's very hurtful and frustrating.

 

Take him at his word. He is in grief and he is not able to give emotionally to you as you deserve. I would recommend that you go ahead and agree with him and end the relationship and then cut contact. Let him know if he is ready to re-start a relationship he can give you a call if you are still single. Then I would wish him luck and disappear.

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Take him at his word. He is in grief and he is not able to give emotionally to you as you deserve. I would recommend that you go ahead and agree with him and end the relationship and then cut contact. Let him know if he is ready to re-start a relationship he can give you a call if you are still single. Then I would wish him luck and disappear.

 

I wish it was that easy. Then every time I mention that we should end things he says no. I'm so confused. Basically, I've told him that I'm here for him if he needs me, and I'm trying to just disappear until/if he needs me. We have to see each other tomorrow at class which will make things awkward for sure.

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It's simple. If you end it, there is a greater chance that he will come back to you after he has healed. But if he makes the decision to end it, it will mean that he has made the decision that you need too much from him. In scenario one, you are mature, independent, not needy, high value. In scenario two, you are a burden.

 

It's not easy but the writing is on the wall.

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At first I didn't agree with Ms Darcy at all, but after her second post I can see where she is coming from.

 

If you end it with him it doesn't mean that you give him the cold shoulder when he finally recovers from his loss. You can still be there for him but I think it might help put one thing at ease so he can focus on healing from the loss of his grandfather.

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I guess I just have my worries about ending it. Cause he told me he didn't want to end things, so it confuses me a little bit. He did text me a tiny bit and I asked if he was up for a phone call. He just said, "I really don't know." and stuff along those lines. I told him that it might help to get his mind off of it, and again, he said, "I really don't know" So I stopped there and just said that if he wanted to talk, I'm here and left it at that. Didn't get an answer back. I don't want to force myself on him so that he wants to pull back farther and potentially harm things, but I did let him know I was there. I have to see him tomorrow which will be painful and awkward as I don't know what to expect.

I know this is super selfish to say, but I really hope he starts to feel better...I miss him a lot. It hurts to see him like this and not his happy self he usually is. It hurts even more to see he's fine around everyone else but me. It makes it harder.

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A relationship requires two participants. What you have is a one-sided situation. It seems like he is quickly moving into treating you like booty category, knowingly or not. No matter the context, you have to be able to recognize poor treatment and distance yourself with love.

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A relationship requires two participants. What you have is a one-sided situation. It seems like he is quickly moving into treating you like booty category, knowingly or not. No matter the context, you have to be able to recognize poor treatment and distance yourself with love.

 

You're right. It just hurts a lot. Plus I'm really stubborn cause I really do love him. And I want to help. But it's hard when he pushes me away. I just don't understand why he can't come to me, or just let me take him out to get his mind off of it. He just doesn't want to do anything with me. It just hurts when he'd do it with his friends and not me, when I actually care.

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Would I end it? No but that's just me because I know what it's like to be in his position and just not want to deal with someone emotionally.

You've pleaded your case but it's obvious he doesn't want to talk... So drop the offer. He obviously isn't looking to talk and is probably avoiding you so he doesn't have to deal with you offering to "listen" so let that go.

 

Give it a few more days and if it continues I'd speak up and say I know you aren't into ending things but at the same time this is hard on me too. I can be your friend and take you out and take your mind off things and be that person but it's not fair to be shut out completely. If it's space you want, fine, but at what point do I let go because this is hurting me that you don't want anything to do with me.

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He obviously isn't looking to talk and is probably avoiding you so he doesn't have to deal with you offering to "listen" so let that go.

That's the frustrating thing. When I wanted to talk to him last night, it was only small talk and catching up on things. Cause I know he doesn't want to talk about stuff with his grandpa. I even told him I just wanted to talk just to get his mind off of things.

 

Even if I could see a little improvement, I'd be alright. But he's just as miserable as he was when he first found out his grandpa died. . .It'll be a week come tomorrow.

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I apologize for double posting, but I have a few more questions.

 

Why would he want to avoid me when I'm the one there who wants to be there. Even if it's to talk about random things, or to take him out, why would he want to push that away? And I don't want to put a time limit on his grieving, but at the same time, he can't keep pushing me away like this. And I guess my biggest fear about ending things is that he won't come back when he's better. . .That he'll just forget about me.

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This isn't about you, you need to let that thought go. Its about him trying to process grief.

You are a girlfriend with emotional needs. He has to be there for you in some way because he is your boyfriend.

 

I told my husband [boyfriend at the time] that I didn't want the relationship aspect, I wanted a friend. I didn't want to talk about my Mother, I didn't want to take care of him, I didn't want anything else in my life but to just go out and forget about things. I was able to reach out and share that part with him and I know it killed him to have me shut him out and some days only get a good night text from me, but I just couldn't handle anything else in my life at that point. it had NOTHING to do with him, it was about me trying to handle my own life.

 

This isn't about you, you can't fix him. He views you differently than his friends. You come with that added 'baggage' of someone more. He doesn't want to have to GIVE BACK. He wants to focus on himself, and yes it is selfish to string you along because there's no saying how things will turn out.

 

But if you don't think you can continue on, then let him know that. He may never come back around, or he may. But you need to stop thinking about yourself and why you can't be the one that fixes him.

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I don't think it matters if you tell him those things, maybe some part of him still THINKS or FEELS he still has an obligation as your BOYFRIEND to hold up his end of the relationship, regardless of you saying "We can just hang out and do nothing..."

 

If its killing you that much, then cut your ties. There's nothing you can do in this situation aside from sit tight and wait it out and let him deal the terms, or walk away. You can't help him if he doesn't want your help. And that's grief for you. You have no idea how it will play out. You would THINK that you would want your significant other there, but until you are in that position you can't say how you will react. Some people deal better on their own. Or with friends. Or with drinking. Or whatever. Its a learning process. Still to this day it takes WORK for me to make my husband my partner during difficult times. I handled my Mother's sickness and death poorly when it came to him, so I MAKE the choice to make him feel important during difficult times when in reality I would rather shut him out and process it all on my own.

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Well, we talked yesterday(Monday) He told me he missed me, gave me a hug and a kiss, and said he'd be in touch, but I haven't heard from him yet. I'm really worried, he said that he wanted to make sure he didn't make a mistake cause he felt losing me would be a mistake. But at the same time, he's slowly losing me by doing it like this too. It hurts.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't think that you should break up with him. I do think you should back off and give him all the space he needs. Let him contact you (or not). It's been a week or so right? He's going to need a lot more time. Unfortunately there is no way of knowing how things will shape up but I get where he and you are coming from in not wanting to break up. My guess is that if I were in your shoes I wouldn't want to break up either. Tragedies happen in life. In my mind, breaking up isn't the solution in the case of a death in the family of one person (might be the solution if it's a casual non-serious relationship but once you're in serious territory it just doesn't make sense to me). That said, the grieving person needs to do what they need to do which may mean their partner needs to totally fade into the background for a while.

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