Jump to content

The hardest breakup I’ve ever experienced and it doesn’t even make sense.


Recommended Posts

Hello all. Glad I’ve stumbled onto this forum to hopefully shed some light on my situation. Apologies in advance for the long post.

 

Going through an extremely rough breakup right now and taking it really hard.

 

The relationship didn’t even have a chance to get its feet off the ground, yet I feel like I’m absolutely dead. Literally I compare how I’m feeling to being dead, yet somehow still being able to physically walk. This was a long distance relationship, and when I say long distance, I mean many miles and many states away. He used to live in my hometown, knew who I was, found me on social media and started chatting me up. We clicked, the chemistry I felt (and thought he felt too) was unreal. He would endlessly text me, skype me late at night for hours, let me know he was thinking of me at random times throughout the day. As time went on, he continuously talked as if we had a real future together. Something to plan for. We made plans for when we would see each other. It got to a point where we were continuously talking about what we were going to do when he visited me or I visited him (whichever came first). Talks of all the love making, cuddling, sleeping beside each other at night, walking around hand-in-hand, things we’d do for fun. He even talked about meeting my family, friends. He told me that he feels that for the first time, he’s found someone who he really wants to focus on, and that he feels very lucky that I’m in his life now. And now its all gone, before we even had a chance to actually do any of it, and I’m absolutely devastated.

 

The reason he moved away in the first place is because he is in military training … Despite his busy schedule, he pursued me very fiercely, and even was the one to ask if I wanted to make it exclusive after a few weeks of talking and skyping. I knew back then that it was a long shot to make something like this work, but I said yes. A month after that, he was telling me that he loved me. 3 weeks after he told me he loved me, he dumped me.

 

I knew the very moment he started pulling away. He was talking about how he needed to invest more focus into his studies, specifically in the coming week, but never outright said that this relationship specifically was distracting him. I told him that I fully supported all he needed to do out there and that I would never want to distract him from any of it. He assured me that I wasn’t a distraction and that he was going to be very busy in the coming week but that we would be fine. Something still didn’t sit right with me, he just suddenly seemed so.. different. The way he was talking now was just nothing I’d experienced with him so far. That weekend, he told me he had lots of studying to do, and I supported that. I knew we wouldn’t have much time for skyping or chatting and I understood. Normally our weekend nights consisted of us up until the wee morning hours together. However on this specific weekend, he decided to go out with his classmates two nights in a row instead. Again, I understand the need for that kind of social interaction so I let it be. I backed way off from him to give him his necessary space but I had this horrible feeling come over me, and before I knew it, I was losing sleep at night thinking about it. One night he saw that I was online late and he asked if something was bothering me. I told him that I was simply stressed about numerous things at the moment but that I’d be fine, never laying any specific blame to him or our situation, though I did mention that I missed him (we would normally skype nearly every night or at least 3 or 4 times a week). He then said something along the lines of “Well let me put you at ease tonight, I haven’t gone away, just a lot going on here at the moment.. I’m going to be back, things will go back to normal after this week.” And again, that was good to hear and I told him as much, but something was still not right and I knew it. He had previously gone on and on about how his internet access was limited now yet I still could see that he was still on facebook just as much as he always was. Suddenly, he had the time to post other little rantings on there, but no time whatsoever to speak to me. This left me with only one real conclusion – he was having second thoughts about me.. about us. But I couldn’t fathom that idea, because as I said, he had assured me so many times that he was all in and very much invested in me and trying to make this work.

 

Mid-week I asked him if there was any other reason for the newfound distance between us, and if he was in fact having second thoughts. He was online doing other things and wouldn’t answer me. After seeing his other facebook activity and realizing he was still online, I asked him once more. Again, I could see he was typing something, but then he stopped and still made me no answer. This went on for almost an hour, he was still “active” on facebook but for whatever reason would not take one moment to speak to me. At this point it was really late at night and I had work the next day, and my emotions were all over the place. I just felt very confused. This is where I apparently went horribly wrong and sealed our fate with a kiss of death. I ended up snapping at him a bit, to which he finally responded long enough to tell me that I was displaying “foolish behavior” by snapping at him but that we were going to be just fine and work through it. He even went on to joke around a bit (one of our inside jokes) and we both started to laugh. At this point, I apologized for snapping and sincerely meant it, but gave him the space he seemed to want so badly. I didn’t speak to him for the next 2 days, and he didn’t try to speak to me either. I wasn’t keeping my distance out of spite, I was truly hoping that he would take a breather and do what he needed to do, then come back to me.

 

By the week’s end, I sent him a simple text message wishing him good luck on his exams. I laid down for a nap, and when I woke up, I had this gut feeling that my whole world was about to be knocked on its behind. This overwhelming sense of dread washed over me, and I looked at my phone and there it was.. He had dumped me via text. I texted him back in horror because I couldn’t grasp that this was what he really wanted. After all, he had told me that we were going to be fine just 2 days prior. When he texted back, he told me that I displayed jealous behavior that he wouldn’t deal with, and that what we had was real but he was done. We bickered back and forth for a bit but I think I handled myself well. I didn’t beg him to stay nor did I try to bargain with him on any level. I ended up calling my best friend, crying hysterically, and then went and stayed with her for the next 2 nights just because I couldn’t bear to be alone after what had just happened. It was truly a blessing to have her support, but now the weekend is over and I have work again tomorrow and all I want to do is call in sick. I really don’t feel like I can face any responsibility right now. I am so crushed that I can’t stand it. I’m blaming myself, trying to pinpoint the exact moment I lost him, wondering if he misses me, wondering if he got bored, and worst of all wondering if someone else caught his attention. Basically, I’m driving myself insane. He is who I wanted to be with, despite the miles between us. He always had me smiling, laughing, excited. I was on this new love high, and it’s been a hard crash back down.

 

I ended up texting him yesterday just simply telling him that I don’t regret any of the time we spent together and that I truly wish him well, and I apologized for whatever role I played in his decision to end it. He texted me back saying that he’ll always remember me with great joy. And that was that.

All those plans we made are just simply gone now. I don’t know how to cope with that. I think this has hurt me more than any other breakup I’ve experienced, and I never even had the chance to be physically in his presence.

 

A lot of people will say that its crazy of me to feel the way I do over someone who is so many miles away, but the hurt is very real and I’m very fragile right now. For whatever reason, I was under this guy’s spell. I have other guys locally who are interested in me but I am just not interested in them like that. I’d already made my mind up on who I wanted to be with and now he’s gone. I’m crying it out and doing the best I can but this is brutal. How am I ever going to get over this? I’m almost thinking that I’m going to need some form of therapy to find closure and peace over what happened, its affecting me that much.

I don’t know how to pull myself together from here.. So if someone out there has taken the time to read this long post, I thank you sincerely for any advice you may be able to give.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You will be fine. You are in shock right now, that's why you feel the way you do. Just know these overwhelming feelings are temporary and that they will pass. For now get support from your friends and family, therapy is also highly recommended. Read this link removed and stick around the forum.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I read your story and you are not weird for feeling the way you feel. I have been in your shoes multiple times. Just starting an exciting new relationship.. And out of the blue the other one decides to 'run away'. It can be very dissapointing especially when you did nothing to drive them away like clinging or stalking etc. It really is not fair, I feel for you. Hugs

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have every right to feel hurt, these are not easy experiences to get through. You're grieving over the the loss of a relationship, in a way it's like grieving over the death of a loved one but you have this feeling they might come back...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think the reason it's so hard is because you aren't just seeing a relationship end, you're seeing a dream of the future end. Since you weren't together you and he both could build up this version of each other in your heads that really had nothing to do with reality. And then when you both had disagreements and/or real life intruded it all came crashing down. In a relationship where you get to see each other day in and day out a breakup can be easier simply because you've already lived the dream with them, and you've also had time to discover the harsher realities of being with them. It's why you may feel sad and down about a breakup, but soon realize "Wait, I don't have to avoid certain friends anymore, because he/she hated them. I can go out to that cafe he/she always turned their nose up at. Thank the lord I do not have to pick up after him/her any more." Never having gone through that you don't have anything to look back on, but what was going to happen. And that can really, really be hard to get over.

 

Also when someone pursues you so hard always being the one to seek you out and really just keeps at you until you say yes or love them AND then they drop you it hurts doubly. You figure it must be the real thing if they're going to chase you down that hard and it's harder to accept when they suddenly pull away or leave. What you have to realize is that people who do that often tend to be of the mindset that new and shiny or new and not yet quite theirs is the best thing ever. And once they have something or someone they sort of end the cycle on that thing and then focus their attention somewhere else. I dated someone like that once and I do remember being a bit apprehensive at one point, because he'd been going on and on about a new car he was going to get. Then he got the car and within two weeks was upset he'd gotten it, was finding fault, and by week three was going on and on about taking violin lessons instead. And yep, it was pretty much like that in our relationship too. I quickly became the norm and then his attention dropped off drastically and we ended up breaking up. So that may well be a factor in all of this too.

 

My advice is to heal and try to find something else to look forward to, right now is a great time to focus on a new activity or learning a new skill. I know it doesn't feel like it would and you may very well have to force yourself out of the house at first, but in time you'll find yourself focusing on those things instead. These are my perspectives on having done the whole long-distance thing and/or dated the future fakes so to speak who want to rush in, rush you off your feet then drop you on your head as soon as they've got you.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself either, you didn't do anything wrong when he went from blowing up your phone and Internet 24/7 to actively ignoring you. Someone who cares about you will take the time to explain why they aren't able to respond, they won't be on Facebook being so "busy" they can't respond AND they'll know exactly why you're upset with them over it. It sounds to me like he was already looking for a reason to break things off and then when you got upset that was his reason, but logically if he goes around breaking things off every time there's an upset with someone in his life then the guy is in for a future of no friends, no love and no job. Give yourself time to heal, realize you sort of bumped into one of these types of people who are good at creating fantasies but terrible at reality, and heal. And don't respond when and if he comes back around since you've become shiny and new again. They sometimes do that too only you'll just get more of the same as you did the first time around and that never changes sadly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...