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Controlling my jealously before it destroys us


nstack2

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I love my girlfriend a lot. Unfortunately, I have a fear of losing her and find myself jealous at times. I try not to show it, but I just can't help it sometimes. She is really good friends with her ex, and it honestly bothers me because I see the way he looks at her and am pretty sure he still has feelings for her. It is especially difficult because her and I are currently in a long distance relationship (I'm trying to relocate) so we don't see each other that much, whereas her ex is always near her. I don't try to control her, but try to be honest with her about that. She then accuses me of not trusting her of course.

 

I know that I need to tackle my jealously and insecurity if I want to make things work in the long run. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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I think the key is in how you communicate with her in this matter and what you say and how you phrase it, because a confrontational/critical approach in these matters never works and usually makes the other person defensive.

I know it's hard when the other person doesn't seem to understand and assumes you don't trust them... but often it's not really to do with the person you are involved with but rather your perception on how things were for you in the past with other partners.

She isn't them, but that still doesn't stop our minds from associating this kind of stuff with any relationship!

 

I don't know if this relates to you.

Long distance relationships are hard, and they are much harder when you don't have a strong foundation of trust. How long have you guys been going out for before you went LDR?

 

If I were you, I would expect my boyfriend to cease contact with his ex if he was still in touch with any of them. If they are really just friends this will not be a problem for her and you'll be more important. If her Ex is truly a friend he would understand and want whats best in your girlfriends interest (her relationship)

 

Insecurity will take a while to tackle, but it helps when your partner is assuring and acknowledges that there can be done something to ease this.

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I keep trying to explain to her that it isn't her. She just says that she loves me and that I should trust her.

 

We've always been long distance actually. This is my first LDR

 

I don't think she will cease contact with him. They broke up about a year ago and have remained friends, before I came along. She tells me that he's a great friend for her and that great friends are hard to come by. She even told me that she may ask him to walk her down the aisle one day since her father is not around. If I ask her to cease contact, she will tell me I'm being controlling and resent me for it. I already know it. I'm simply supposed to trust her. She says that her ex doesn't have feelings for her anymore, but I know he loved her a lot before she broke up with him. He's stuck around since and I just can tell that he still has thing for her. To her, I'm being insecure for no reason and she wants me to show her how much I love her by simply trusting her feelings and not worrying.

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Rightly or wrongly - depending on which side of the fence you sit on - she has decided her ex may give her away. In a way, I can see that she prefers him to walk down the aisle with her as anything but her husband. However, this is remark has left you feeling uncomfortable. Maybe many people wouldn't be too bothered, but I can see why you are. I dare bet she has made other comments that have made you feel alarmed.

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It sounds to me as if she's getting the closure from him that she hasn't gotten from you (since LDR) or her father.

 

I find this kind of alarming. There's two things you can do, you can either hang in tight or cut loose depending on how much faith you have in the relationship.

 

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel for the LDR? Do you get to see her in person much? Depending on how comfortable you are with this , next time you are visiting you could ask him to join you guys for food or something somewhere - this could give you a better idea where the two stand.

 

It sounds like a tricky and non-ideal situation.

 

What exactly do you say to her when this comes up? I don't think you're being too controlling ..(however it all depends on how you communicate and say things to her) , but as your girlfriend she should choose and acknowledge your concerns and try and be understanding and figure out a way of adapting to the circumstances. This doesn't mean she doesn't have to quit being friends with her ex, just to merely understand that it makes you uncomfortable and to accommodate to that

 

Has her ex moved on or is he seeing any other girls? From what you have said, it does sound like he's hanging around waiting for her.

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