Bf didn't really put much effort into Valentines Day...

[bamboobam]

Be very careful that you are not accepting crazy behavior because you don't know what a relationship without it is like. I am always wary when I see people saying things like "we've been through a lot." Relationships, for the most part, should not typically be that tumultuous. If you're together for ten or twenty years I can see saying "we've been through a lot."

 

I'm being honest.... there has been a lot that happened in our relationship.

[bulletproof]

I'm being honest.... there has been a lot that happened in our relationship.

 

Oh, I don't doubt you're being honest. I'm saying that it just doesn't seem like a lot should have happened, though. The first few years, especially at such a young age, are supposed to be fun, not hard times.

[bamboobam]

Oh, I don't doubt you're being honest. I'm saying that it just doesn't seem like a lot should have happened, though. The first few years, especially at such a young age, are supposed to be fun, not hard times.

 

Yep, lots of hard times, but I don't really want to go into detail about that...

[Lorem Ipsum]

Sure, there's been a lot that's happened in your three year (plus the three years you knew him before) relationship... that doesn't mean it's meant to last forever. Even worse, it doesn't seem like all these things you've been through have brought you closer together through caring for and learning to understand each other.

[bamboobam]

Sure, there's been a lot that's happened in your three year (plus the three years you knew him before) relationship... that doesn't mean it's meant to last forever. Even worse, it doesn't seem like all these things you've been through have brought you closer together through caring for and learning to understand each other.

 

I definitely understand him a lot more now and I actually acknowledged that to him. There are times I wished that he understood me and reacted better when a conflict does arise.

[bulletproof]

Yep, lots of hard times, but I don't really want to go into detail about that...

 

You don't have to. Just understand that because this has been your one primary relationship, you may have a misguided view of what a healthy relationship should look like. That's all. Just something to think about.

[bamboobam]

You don't have to. Just understand that because this has been your one primary relationship, you may have a misguided view of what a healthy relationship should look like. That's all. Just something to think about.

 

I am well aware with that. I haven't been with anyone else as long as this relationship and my past bf's have never done the things that he has done really. I even had guys/past exes say they regret doing certain things to me and realizing how well I am doing with myself now working my way through school and almost being done now. So idk if I was to leave him one of these times if he would regret some of these things once I am gone.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I definitely understand him a lot more now and I actually acknowledged that to him. There are times I wished that he understood me and reacted better when a conflict does arise.

And you have just made my point. *You* have worked to understand him (even if you're drama prone) but *he* has not... he relies on you to be the one to apologise and take the blame when you have a fight so that he doesn't have to/he gets off the hook. You're left feeling resentful and unappreciated, waiting for the next blow up.

[Ms Darcy]

I definitely understand him a lot more now and I actually acknowledged that to him. There are times I wished that he understood me and reacted better when a conflict does arise.

 

Everything you say screams incompatibility to me ... and mutual fear of letting each other go.

[bamboobam]

And you have just made my point. *You* have worked to understand him (even if you're drama prone) but *he* has not... he relies on you to be the one to apologise and take the blame when you have a fight so that he doesn't have to/he gets off the hook. You're left feeling resentful and unappreciated, waiting for the next blow up.

 

Yea, that has happened a few times but idk I feel really conflicted as to what's really going if. I am really hard on myself right now and I feel as if I am better off not saying anything else ever again. Like if he doesn't do anything next time, my best bet is to not say anything.

[bamboobam]

Everything you say screams incompatibility to me ... and mutual fear of letting each other go.

 

I have a lot of fear that's for sure. There is a lot riding on this since his mom has dementia and her daughter doesn't even see her that often. I am the only female she sees often and who is the most patient from his dad, brother, and himself... It's really hard cuz I feel like I somewhat have a responsibility to keep her feeling ok when I see her since she's really open to me and no one else in her house since I talk to her as often as I can when I see her. Also, if I was to leave, I would regret not being there for him and his family.

 

Before I was in this picture, his family rarely celebrated anything with eachother and now, they do cookouts sometimes and go out more often. I also helped his sister see his mom and gave advise to my bf since things were really tough at one point.

[_Asti_]

The length of time you have been with someone is not a reason to stick around. Going 'through alot' together isn't really something to be proud of and make you say "We gotta stick it out because there's been so much we've gone through"

 

You gotta think with your head at the end of the day. You are 21. People grow up, people change...especially during these very critical years of growth and part of that at times can be growing in different ways. Changing and becoming a different person. You learn about your partner and more importantly you learn about yourself. You are learning what is important to you in a relationship. Communication, maturity, showing effort, feeling loved and appreciated...remaining in a relationship because its been 3 years and have been through a lot isn't something to be 'proud' about if you are fooling yourself and settling for those reasons. Life is short to be in a crummy relationship where you aren't happy, being loved and appreciated. If he's like this....and its been consistent over time, nothing will probably change...he will revert back to his old ways.

[shes2smart]

I'm being honest.... there has been a lot that happened in our relationship.

 

Y'know, a lot happened in the relationship with my parents, but that didn't stop me from drop-kicking them from my life after 30-some years when I realized they weren't going to change their abusive behavior.

 

People tend to treat you about as well....or as poorly...as you allow them to.

 

Life will give you a lot to be miserable about in and of itself, the relationships in your life should be your solace and shelter from that....not a contributor to it.

[Lorem Ipsum]

There is a lot riding on this since his mom has dementia

His mother is sick, and that's a hard thing to go though... but... there isn't a lot riding on this, this is his family, not yours. Yes, for him, there is a lot to go through, slowly watching his mother forget him and everything but, instead of appreciating you for what you've done, for being happy you're there to help him, he's choosing to get angry, blow up on you, and disappear into safe video game fantasies than dealing with reality. None of his actions are your fault. The fact that his mother has dementia is not your fault. As good as it is of you to want to help, this is not your family to fix, it's theirs. Dementia can drag on for years. Years where you will be put through this emotional wringer. Your BF is who he is, you can't change him. You either like him as he is right now, are happy and content with the relationship as it is -- or you aren't. And, at the end of the day, you aren't. Continuing to hang around, helping his mom occasionally, isn't going to make him love you. If he isn't someone you want to marry and have children with right now, that is not going to change. His mother may be sick for a couple of decades, progressively getting worse. IMO, if you want to get married and have children, you should break up with him because you're young. You have all kinds of time to find someone else who would be a better match for you when it comes to values and have the things you want. I think that if you stay with him for 5 more years, nothing is going to change or improve. If his mother passes, that's going to be something else he has to deal with (that he probably won't, or very well) and it won't improve your relationship because the stress of dealing with an ill parent will be replaced by the stress of dealing with a gone parent.

 

It's admirable, in a way, that you want to help them, but you should really think about saving yourself. It's not selfish or "bad" to admit you did all you could, didn't get the results you wanted and it's time to move on.

[Mesemene]

Boiling this down to basics.

 

You like the symbolic and sentimental things.

 

Your boyfriend has no interest in either.

 

You need to really take some time to decide if this is a deal breaker - because he's not likely to change. My father was like this, and through over 25 years of marriage until her death, my mother beat her head against the brick wall that was his way of seeing things. And she got nothing but a figurative AND literal headache, and hurt feelings.

 

So take a mental step back, and decide if you think you're equipped to see things enough from his side - that these aren't things that will ever matter much - is something you can deal with, holiday after holiday, year after year. Or if it will wear on you enough to leech the enjoyment and love out of the relationship for you.

 

If it's eroding your self esteem, and the relationship, sit down, and explain to him that you're just not well suited in this area that means a lot to you, and walk away.

[SapphireNoir10]

You either have to accept that he will never be the romantic type to do big gestures or break up with him and find someone who will do those things for you. They are your only choices.

 

He has shown you he is not willing to change, that is who he is. It doesn't mean he is in the wrong it just isn't 'him'

 

Fighting about it wont change it. You can either accept him or move on.

[Astrogirl]

There's a lot of great advice on here I would listen to. You literally are banging your head against a brick wall. he knows what you want and still doesn't deliver. Sorry, but he isn't budging.

[itsallgrand]

So if you kissed and made up yet again now, what will happen next time something like this happens? Does this mean you have decided it's okay with you to not ever expect romantic gestures during holidays anniversaries etc.?

[bamboobam]

So if you kissed and made up yet again now, what will happen next time something like this happens? Does this mean you have decided it's okay with you to not ever expect romantic gestures during holidays anniversaries etc.?

 

Idk it doesn't matter to me anymore I guess I get what I deserve.

[Astrogirl]

If you feel bad then you feel you deserve to receive these gifts and if that is so then find someone who is willing to put in the effort.

[oitnb]

You sound extremely unhappy... You do realize you're never, ever everrrrrr obligated to stay in an unhappy relationship, right?

[ParisPaulette]

I'd say you're more invested in this relationship than the boyfriend is. I'd also say come time for his birthday don't bother or better yet break up and find a guy who actually knows how to treat a woman. It's not that I even ascribe any value to Valentine's Day, a holiday I personally really dislike, but yeesh the guy couldn't have made his lukewarm "Oh I guess we'll do this if you want us to, but don't expect me to participate" behavior any clearer than if he'd just said that.

 

Since you both clearly have very different ideas about how to and when and where to express your feelings with each other I don't think it's going to work out. As you pointed out you weren't asking for something expensive, but even my kids will acknowledge V-Day and send me cards or post funny things on my FB page to show me they're thinking of me. In this case, as the cliche goes, it is the thought that counts. And he was pretty thoughtless.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Idk it doesn't matter to me anymore I guess I get what I deserve.

Wow. That is so sad. You aren't getting what you deserve, you're getting what he thinks you deserve, which is nothing. And, even worse, you're letting him decide your worth for you, and you're accepting it because you don't think you have a say. Do you honestly think that's right?

[itsallgrand]

Idk it doesn't matter to me anymore I guess I get what I deserve.

 

I call bs.

[itsallgrand]

I think that attitude is very self defeating, btw.

 

The "if people don't do what I want, I guess I will just pout and put up with it and maybe get angry from time to time, but never actually DO anything about it. That's not my responsibility!".

 

It's acting like a victim, when you aren't actually one.

 

It's manipulative.

 

It's an unwillingness to actually work or give up anything to get what you want. Kinda...entitled.

 

If you don't like what he offers, have the guts to actually stand up for what you want. Because the world sure as heck isn't going to bend over backwards to make you happy. And neither are most people.