Bf didn't really put much effort into Valentines Day...

[itsallgrand]

I didn't think it was harsh because when you get with someone, you take them as they are. Or you can not take them. But getting upset and making an issue out of what you know that person is like/about, when you have stayed and are claiming to accept that person, is false IMO and not cool.

 

I am into romantic gestures, for the record. I like the sweet little things. But when I was in a previous relationship, where he did not value V day (or even Christmas!), I did not throw a fit nor make him feel bad and force it on him. I decided I wanted to be with him, so that was how it would go. Romance came in other forms with him.

 

My point is, three years in, it's time to adjust expectations or decide "ok, this guy isn't for me".

[lavenderdove]

Well, so far he's hung the phone up on you, threatened to crash the car when you started crying, ignored you, and refused to buy you a little trinket on V-day. I frankly don't think he sounds very considerate at all, and immature if he acts this way rather than talking things out with you.

 

I think as an adult you should try to avoid too much crying in his lap other than for really serious things like someone dying or an unusually sad thing happening, but at the same time, he shouldn't be disrespectful.

 

I think it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. And he could be on his way to breaking up with you if he behaves like this, with no consideration/respect when you have a disagreement.

[shes2smart]

Yes, the things I got him are things he likes. His fave beer, some candy, some love "lottery tickets" and a back scrubber and soap since he can't reach his back when he showers so I thought about his needs too.

 

My last post was kind of an unfinished thought.

 

Here's the thing about the way you're going about it....while you may be getting things he likes, the problem is you have an expectation (there's that word again) of getting something in return. May not be a material something but at the very least an "atta girl" or reciprocal effort so you get that validation you're looking for.

 

As long as you give or do with the expectation of return, you won't get what you're after...what you'll get is disappointed and maybe a "is that all there is?" feeling. It's weird how giving works...the more you are able to give to someone else or do for someone else with NO expectation of return, the more return you end up getting.

 

You need to find another way to get that validation/"feeling good enough" boost in another way. The way you're going about it doesn't work.

[Ms Darcy]

Yes, he paid for the hotel. I literally have $100 in my account. As I said, I would go above and beyond for my bf if I could like that.

 

Paying for the hotel is a gift ... which you didn't appreciate. You are coming off as a gold-digger in this thread. No wonder he got ticked. Why does he need to get you flowers to boot?

[bamboobam]

I believe that he overreacted to everything which made everything worse for no reason!

[bamboobam]

Paying for the hotel is a gift ... which you didn't appreciate. You are coming off as a gold-digger in this thread. No wonder he got ticked. Why does he need to get you flowers to boot?

 

Cuz it's a nice keepsake. I said I would even been happy with a cheap balloon.

[missmarple]

I read the whole thread and I was surprised to find out you've been with him for 3 years. If it was a new relationship, it would make sense not to know what the other person's style is, especially about something like Valentine's Day. Although, to be honest, every time I've been in a relationship and it was V-day, the guy always got me something. It could be a small thing like a rose or a card or a big thing like a jewel but I can't remember a relationship when someone got me nothing. Even the hotel you had to book yourself..so what if he paid for it? Men pay for escorts, too...it doesn't mean they have feelings for them.

And then I read about the car incident (that he said he wanted to crash it) and I wonder...are you sure you want to be with this guy?

[shes2smart]

I literally just tried to apologize for "wanting too much" and he hung up the phone on me intentionally even though I was crying. Before we left the hotel, he didn't even kiss me.

 

After reading some of these latest details, I'd say the most effective way of getting that self-esteem boost you're looking for is to stop looking for it from HIM.

[Ms Darcy]

Dump him then. He's made it clear over birthdays and anniversaries he's not interested in getting you what you want. He's not going to change after three years because you nag him.

 

And, by the way, I don't particularly think he likes you half the time given how he ignores you etc.

[bamboobam]

Dump him then. He's made it clear over birthdays and anniversaries he's not interested in getting you what you want. He's not going to change after three years because you nag him.

 

And, by the way, I don't particularly think he likes you half the time given how he ignores you etc.

 

Yea, I am sure you didn't read the rest of the thread where I said he wanted to crash the car we were in together. I literately said I wished I had it once then, he got really angry and drove like a maniac. Even if I was wrong in this case, he crossed the line and didn't even talk to me.

[itsallgrand]

Yea, I am sure you didn't read the rest of the thread where I said he wanted to crash the car we were in together. I literately said I wished I had it once then, he got really angry and drove like a maniac. Even if I was wrong in this case, he crossed the line and didn't even talk to me.

 

Do you like the high drama?

 

You called him after all this and bawled to him on the phone.

 

So you either like the drama, or you really just have THIS hard a time adjusting your expectations of people.

 

This guy isn't going to change for you.

[bamboobam]

Do you like the high drama?

 

You called him after all this and bawled to him on the phone.

 

So you either like the drama, or you really just have THIS hard a time adjusting your expectations of people.

 

This guy isn't going to change for you.

 

I obviously don't like the drama... I just wanted things to be straightened out and to let things get better which is why I made the effort to apologize if it seemed like I was asking for too much. He has done a lot of things in the past and I forgave him rather quickly. This happens and he wants to act crazy... I have rarely done him wrong and when I do, I am open and don't mind humbling myself and apologizing. And, I was trying to explain that I understand how everyone is different and doesn't expect romance in the same ways and he wasn't even hearing it. It took 30 min. for him to finally understand what I was saying since he was constantly cutting me off. Even after he hung up, I called back to finish the conversation. No drama from my end. I just wanted him to understand and to know I appreciated everything he did do.

[Ms Darcy]

Yea, I am sure you didn't read the rest of the thread where I said he wanted to crash the car we were in together. I literately said I wished I had it once then, he got really angry and drove like a maniac. Even if I was wrong in this case, he crossed the line and didn't even talk to me.

 

What does that change? You should still dump him as he's not interested in what you want.

[bulletproof]

If you are that upset over a keepsake on Valentine's Day, and he is so upset that he hangs up on you and threatens to crash the car, I think that both of you need to reconsider this relationship. There seems to be quite a bit of unhealthy actions/reactions going on. Think about it this way: if the two of you can't handle a disagreement about Valentine's Day, how are you ever going to negotiate things like a mortgage and children?

[Ms Darcy]

You are a in a bit of denial then ... because every thread you have posted people tell you that you are bringing drama to the situation and you don't see that.

 

I am not saying you do him wrong, but you are definitely bringing the drama too. It's like "I don't want drama. And there would be no drama if he just did and said what I want him to."

[bamboobam]

If you are that upset over a keepsake on Valentine's Day, and he is so upset that he hangs up on you and threatens to crash the car, I think that both of you need to reconsider this relationship. There seems to be quite a bit of unhealthy actions/reactions going on. Think about it this way: if the two of you can't handle a disagreement about Valentine's Day, how are you ever going to negotiate things like a mortgage and children?

 

I've told him that before as well. I wanted to talk to him but whenever there is a disagreement, I am better off not talking to him since he overreacts a lot. I honestly wasn't that upset. I WAS NOT UPSET, just a bit bummed out/disappointed more than anything. I only became upset as I said a lot in this thread, when he overreacted over me saying that.

[Lorem Ipsum]

If it's not, then you need to break up with him and find someone who is more considerate than he is.

Frankly, I think this is your best option at this point. Since you still live with your parents, I'm going to assume that you're both young and this may even be the first serious relationship for both of you.

 

You are not a good match. Full stop. You may have given him your virginity, you may believe that you love him or that first loves should last forever like in all the Disney movies you've ever seen... but real life isn't like that. You saw for yourself that there were men out buying their sweethearts things for Valentine's day. It was important to you that your SO do something for you to acknowledge that day and instead he sat around and played video games for three days, then only reluctantly agreed to do something when you got upset. IMO, he's checked out emotionally and as someone else commented, you're convenient to keep around (for sex) until something shinier comes along -- and then he's going to drop you like a hot rock. In your position, I'd rather be alone than wish I was. After all this time, I don't understand why you're tormenting yourself by staying with him.

 

But, you're an adult and it's your choice. After three years, nothing is getting better, it's only getting worse. And, with each disappointment, your self-esteem is getting more worn down. If you really hope things will change, then set a deadline for yourself. If he hasn't improved in 6 months, end it. He doesn't have full control over whether or not you two stay together, you have a say in that, too.

[bamboobam]

You are a in a bit of denial then ... because every thread you have posted people tell you that you are bringing drama to the situation and you don't see that.

 

I am not saying you do him wrong, but you are definitely bringing the drama too. It's like "I don't want drama. And there would be no drama if he just did and said what I want him to."

 

I am not a drama person, I thought being in a relationship deals with communication and when I tried talking to him, he shut me out.

[Ms Darcy]

Why don't you just end it as you have the same complaint over and over?

[bamboobam]

Why don't you just end it as you have the same complaint over and over?

 

Cuz I love him that much and I knew him 3 years before we got together.

[Ms Darcy]

Cuz I love him that much.

 

Love to me is acceptance of the other person as they are. You don't accept him as he is. So, why won't you leave?

[bamboobam]

Love to me is acceptance of the other person as they are. You don't accept him as he is. So, why won't you leave?

 

There is so much more to this story than just this V-Day. We've been through a lot and I love him. We are already done talking and he's coming by to see me. I have accepted him as a person obviously and criticizing me over and over even when I apologized to him doesn't make sense. I even said I realized I was wrong for expecting so much and I am not even mad about that anymore. I was just mad at how he reacted. He apologized for that too.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Love to me is acceptance of the other person as they are. You don't accept him as he is. So, why won't you leave?

Just as importantly, he doesn't seem to accept you as you are. So, why won't you leave him? It's like the both of you are standing in opposite corners, arms crossed saying "This is how *I* want things to be!" and there's no compromise. Just two people who freak out when they don't get their way and then "apologise" later. It sounds positively exhausting to me.

[bamboobam]

Just as importantly, he doesn't seem to accept you as you are. So, why won't you leave him? It's like the both of you are standing in opposite corners, arms crossed saying "This is how *I* want things to be!" and there's no compromise. Just two people who freak out when they don't get their way and then "apologise" later. It sounds positively exhausting to me.

Yea, it's true that we are two strong minded people and we realize that at times when we are both wrong.

[bulletproof]

There is so much more to this story than just this V-Day. We've been through a lot and I love him. We are already done talking and he's coming by to see me. I have accepted him as a person obviously and criticizing me over and over even when I apologized to him doesn't make sense. I even said I realized I was wrong for expecting so much and I am not even mad about that anymore. I was just mad at how he reacted. He apologized for that too.

 

Be very careful that you are not accepting crazy behavior because you don't know what a relationship without it is like. I am always wary when I see people saying things like "we've been through a lot." Relationships, for the most part, should not typically be that tumultuous. If you're together for ten or twenty years I can see saying "we've been through a lot."