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Bf didn't really put much effort into Valentines Day...


bamboobam

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He did a couple nice things, but he didn't put forth much effort. He has a lot more cash since he's a student but he is available more hours to work than I can do and I am nearly broke since I am a college student with a part-time job. Anyway, I was busy this week working and going to school, and doing school work and was able to put together a gift basket for my bf. On the other hand, my bf was off 3 days this week and all he did was play video games the whole time and stay home. I told him the day of Valentines day that I wished we had a hotel since we lived with our parents and I was thinking he was already doing something nice, but he had no plans at all. He was at work still and gave me his credit card and had me wait in traffic for 30 min. to get back home and make a reservation. Then, when we got to the hotel later that night, I had my gift for my bf, but he didn't have anything for me at all. We tried to go out to eat, but the restaurant was really crowded. The next day, I told him I wished I got a keepsake like what I made for him (even something really cheap like a balloon or candy would do) for V-day and he got really angry at me and didn't really talk to me when we went to eat that night....

 

Idk if I overreacted and I hate the money differences that we have since he is able to do so much more than me, but even though I am broke, I put forth effort all the time. I even offered to take him to eat for breakfast twice this weekend and he declined both times....

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I think your expectations are unrealistic. Are you sure he is as focused on Valentines Day as you are? Of course the restaurants are crowded on V-day. It's not about the money of course. I think telling him you wanted a gift from him at that moment probably put him on the defensive.

 

Other than v-day how is the relationship?

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I think your expectations are unrealistic. Are you sure he is as focused on Valentines Day as you are? Of course the restaurants are crowded on V-day. It's not about the money of course. I think telling him you wanted a gift from him at that moment probably put him on the defensive.

 

Other than v-day how is the relationship?

 

How is it unrealistic? There were guys that went out and bought flowers at least it's something to show they can put forth effort. He wasn't focused on Vday at all. He had no plans for v-day and the day before I asked what we were doing and he said "just hang out" so he obviously had nothing planned. I am not saying it's about the money, just the effort and he didn't put any effort. The relationship is ok and whenever he gets angry he crosses the line at times and does and says things that's messed up. I mentioned the gift thing and when we went to eat, he was pissed and was driving really fast to get to Wal-Mart to "get me something" even though I never told him to do that and I was crying and then he said he wanted to crash the car when we were on our way there...

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I feel for your bf. Same way I felt for my brother this V day. He's in a serious relationship with a woman (living together), and he is her first serious relationship. I think that can play a part in expectations for things like V day - they can tend to be higher when you are either younger, or less experienced with relationships. Only my observations. She went out and got him Flying lessons for V day, plus a card, plus beer. Ok; totally awesome gifts. Off the chart awesome. She makes less money than him, as an aside to this as well, because I think she used some of the same reasoning as you did. "I'm not making as much money, and I'm busy too, but I managed to do all this for you!". My brother didn't put near that effort into V day. And she was disappointed. Does it mean in any way that he doesn't care for her as much as she cares for him? ! Not at all. Actually, if she had been paying attention to who my brother is and what he values; she would have met him half way and waaay toned down V day.

 

My point is, I think you are putting a lot of pressure on your boyfriend, and while you think you are being super sweet going all out for V day for him, it's really for you. Not him. Obviously your bf doesn't care that much about what is done for V day. Probably, he's happy to be with you and that's good enough, exactly waht he would have wanted. Low key, no big fuss made.

 

I do think you are being unrealistic, and putting unnecessary pressure and tension into the relationship. And for what? Because you have certain expectations of what he SHOULD do (probably with some string attached too, like, if you loved me and cared and wanted me to be happy!).

 

But that's just not how people, nor caring, works IMO.

 

That said, it sounds like the two of you have deeper problems than V day expectations!!! Seriously.

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I didn't pressure him to do anything... I didn't force him to do anything either. He didn't have to get a hotel or whatever. All I said was that I wish I had a keepsake and that's it. He took it way out of hand and when he started acting crazy, that's when I was really upset.

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Maybe it's time for this relationship to end.. this doesn't sound like the behaviour of a happy couple. I agree that he should have at least got something little, although he did pay for the hotel, right?

 

Yes, he paid for the hotel. I literally have $100 in my account. As I said, I would go above and beyond for my bf if I could like that.

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Well you are learning about your partner through 'trial and error'

You have learnt that Valentine's isn't a very big deal to him. Learn from that and go forward with this knowledge.

 

My good friend doesn't celebrate Valentine's because her husband thinks its silly. Instead of setting herself up year after year for disappointment, she dismisses the holiday. She gets him a card and some treats, but its because SHE wants to. She doesn't get upset when he doesn't return the favour because she knows to not expect anything.

 

How long have you been together? Is this your first 'holiday' together? How is he for your birthday, anniversary, every other day of the year?

 

You learn about people in relationships. I know my husband has always been the thoughtful type and goes above and beyond all the time. Its never changed over the years. I know who he is. You are learning who your guy is. Some girls never get flowers from their guys and learn to accept that its just something they don't do.

Maybe Valentines just isn't a thing for him. Maybe next year he will step it knowing that this day is a big deal for you, who knows.

 

Some guys just don't put forth the effort, at all. And then its upto you to decide what you are comfortable with in a relationship and what you can and cannot deal with.

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I didn't pressure him to do anything... I didn't force him to do anything either. He didn't have to get a hotel or whatever. All I said was that I wish I had a keepsake and that's it. He took it way out of hand and when he started acting crazy, that's when I was really upset.

 

Erm, yeah you did pressure him. Both to get you a hotel and to get you a present -

 

I told him the day of Valentines day that I wished we had a hotel since we lived with our parents and I was thinking he was already doing something nice, but he had no plans at all.

 

The next day, I told him I wished I got a keepsake like what I made for him (even something really cheap like a balloon or candy would do) for V-day

 

I get the sense that you expected us to completely agree with you that your boyfriend not getting you anything for Valentine's Day makes him a bad boyfriend, but it doesn't. If this was your first Valentine's together - did you ask him before hand his feelings about buying each other a gift or the importance that he places on V Day? It could be that he thinks it's a silly day and a ploy to make money by flower/card/gift companies and he doesn't need a day to show you that he loves you! Of course he was angry, he did what you wanted (the hotel and meal) and you told him that that wasn't good enough!

 

I feel sorry for you too, I used to be you. Your unrealistic expectations are going to ruin this relationship. But this sounds like your first relationship, and you sound young, so it will be a lesson to you.

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Jeez I guess putting forth effort is too much to ask for these days... If I am paying for a hotel, I would not let my bf get my card to reserve the hotel when I am at work (which is what he did). I would of done it at my own time or just not get a hotel if I didn't want one if my bf asked me and I didn't want to. It's not that hard to be direct about something. Especially if he knows I can't pay for anything expensive like that.

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You had this issue with your anniversary. He didn't do anything for your anniversary.

 

I think its time you change your point of view on these things since he consistently 'lets you down' when it comes to romance and planning things. He obviously isn't that type. Yes he's got the money to do nice things, but chooses not to. If you want to continue in this relationship, you need to adjust your expectations on this person and realize he isn't that type to put forth the effort.

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You had this issue with your anniversary. He didn't do anything for your anniversary.

 

I think its time you change your point of view on these things since he consistently 'lets you down' when it comes to romance and planning things. He obviously isn't that type. Yes he's got the money to do nice things, but chooses not to. If you want to continue in this relationship, you need to adjust your expectations on this person and realize he isn't that type to put forth the effort.

 

It just bothers me when there is no effort, because I am sure any guy wants sex, but can't show compassion and effort into doing something other than sex. Yea, he had the money to do it but had no effort and doesn't care about it. It just really disappoints me and I would go above and beyond even though I am broke as hell.

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I didn't pressure him to do anything... I didn't force him to do anything either. He didn't have to get a hotel or whatever. All I said was that I wish I had a keepsake and that's it. He took it way out of hand and when he started acting crazy, that's when I was really upset.

 

Well I'll only add one other thing then.

 

If you really want to drive a man crazy, make him feel like he can't win and can't make you happy. Feeling unappreciated or like they can't make you happy - in my experience - really does a number on a guy.

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It just bothers me when there is no effort, because I am sure any guy wants sex, but can't show compassion and effort into doing something other than sex. Yea, he had the money to do it but had no effort and doesn't care about it. It just really disappoints me and I would go above and beyond even though I am broke as hell.

 

Its been 3 years...things aint going to change!

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Its been 3 years...things aint going to change!

 

Uuuggghhh Idk when I was shopping it melted my heart to see guys get flowers, balloons, or whatever since I've never been with a guy that romantic before. I would of honestly been happier if we didn't get the hotel since he clearly didn't have that in mind. I just wanted alone time since we live with our parents obviously. I would of been perfectly happy with balloons and candy and sex instead of the hotel.... I feel kind of bad now

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Well I'll only add one other thing then.

 

If you really want to drive a man crazy, make him feel like he can't win and can't make you happy. Feeling unappreciated or like they can't make you happy - in my experience - really does a number on a guy.

 

I have no idea why he reacted the way he did. I was happy and perfectly up until he started acting crazy and driving really fast to wal-mart like a mad man and saying he wanted to crash a car. I've been mad at him before and never crossed the line like that.

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I think your basic problem is similar to a lot of people's basic problem when they're younger (under 30ish) and still new to relationships in general: You expect the other person is going to approach things in a similar, if not exact way, that you would. On top of that, until you run into this sort of thing a few times, you're probably not even consciously aware that you have these expectations -- let alone what they specifically are. But if you didn't have expectations, you would have absolutely no reason to be disappointed.

 

It takes situations like this, along with a lot of trial and error, to really understand that not everyone puts the same importance on things like holidays/birthdays as you might...and not everyone is going to handle every situation the way you would. Hell, I've been married for nearly a dozen years, and I still can't predict with 100% accuracy what my husband will do in every situation. What I have learned is this - my husband has an expectation that a Big Deal be made of his birthday, so I do, even though that's the complete opposite of what I want for myself. I want a "normal day," so he reins in his ideas about "what he'd want done" and scales it back to what I'd prefer. We didn't just magically know this....there were some uncomfortable and not-quite-what-the-other-person-wanted birthdays before we actually talked about it and sorted it out.

 

People are not mind readers. The minute you expect anyone (not just a romantic partner but ANYONE) to live up to any expectation you may have for them, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed. I mean, I've gotten to the point where I try to keep my expectations of other people to "Don't intentionally harm me or my stuff," which usually requires them to do nothing, and I still find myself disappointed from time to time.

 

I don't do holidays. I just don't. No interest. I don't decorate for Christmas and God help the person who tries to make a big deal of my birthday.

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Well I'll only add one other thing then.

 

If you really want to drive a man crazy, make him feel like he can't win and can't make you happy. Feeling unappreciated or like they can't make you happy - in my experience - really does a number on a guy.

 

That kinda crazy-making behavior will with a woman's head, too.

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I feel like that when I put forth effort with the little I have, but I feel like I am not good enough sometimes.. Just cuz I can't afford certain things like he can.

 

Then I would suggest to you that you're not making those efforts for him or because it's something he'd like....you're making those efforts to make yourself feel better/worthy.

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Then I would suggest to you that you're not making those efforts for him or because it's something he'd like....you're making those efforts to make yourself feel better/worthy.

 

Yes, the things I got him are things he likes. His fave beer, some candy, some love "lottery tickets" and a back scrubber and soap since he can't reach his back when he showers so I thought about his needs too. I honestly wish I could go back and not asked for the hotel or said anything about the gift. It probably would of been better off this weekend if nothing happened.

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OK, here's the thing... if romance is important to you and you've got a guy who after 3 years has shown you he is not interested at all in romance, and will not even put in minimal effort to stop by the grocery store and buy you a bouquet of flowers, then you've got a mismatch on your hands, i.e., he's gotten really lazy in the romance dept. because it doesn't interest him, and he doesn't care enough about your feelings to try to do something simple that makes you happy and he knows it.

 

So I think people are being a bit harsh on you here because you're not asking for him to pull out all the stops, you're asking for something simple like flowers on V-day and he knows that is important to you and still doesn't do it, even when you're paying for a hotel room for the day. If you expected a trip to Paris that would be excessive, but a simple little gift when he's got the money to do it shows he's being selfish/self interested.

 

the other possibility is that this relationship is on its way out and he just hasn't made the break yet. He could be losing feelings for you, and not yet sparked on another woman, so he'll hang around for 'convenience' sake until he finds one, but he won't put much effort into the relationship between now and then, or spend money on you etc. because he's not that invested in pleasing you or maintaining the relationship.

 

So you need to sit him down and ask him if he thinks it is too much do do something like V-day when you've told him what you need to be happy there. If he is absolutely 'anti-romantic', and it is something you really want/value, then you probably need to shop for a guy who is more considerate and romantic than this guy is. He's just not a good match if he has the money to do it and can't even be bothered to do something very simple like pick up a bouquet of grocery store flowers on V-day to make you happy. I saw whole legions of men in my local grocery store on V-day buying flowers, cakes, lobsters etc. when normally there aren't very many there, and all these men were circling the 'romantic' foods and gifts areas. So it is an expectation and a tradition that partners do something nice for each other on this day, and I don't think you are unrealistic to want him to do some little something rather than ignore it.

 

So it IS a simple thing for him to do to get you some little thing on birthdays and V-day, and if he neglects to do it and then gets all dramatic like he's going to crash the car when you get upset when he doesn't, I honestly think he's a bit immature and definitely selfish and not interested in pleasing you. So you have to decide whether the rest of the relationship is meeting your needs enough for you to accept he's a bit selfish and definitely not romantic. If it's not, then you need to break up with him and find someone who is more considerate than he is. If you are happy most of the time, then let it go and accept he's Mister Not-Romantic and you'll have to live with it.

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OK I see Lavenderdove's point. I do think you also need to stop comparing -you have no idea for whom these men you saw were buying the flowers/balloons or why - perhaps some felt obligated too, perhaps some were buying for a mistress or the woman on the side, etc. Comparing will get you nowhere fast especially when it involves assumptions made when you're feeling negative.

 

I would not date a man who said he wanted to crash the car with me in it -that's a red flag far greater than his falling short in the romance department.

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