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Taking it slow or not interested?


EmmieQ

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Hi all,

 

About 3 months ago, I met this great guy via an online dating site.

Ever since, we have been talking on facebook: about once a week, we have long hourly conversations where we talk about our feelings, our lifestyle, what we are looking for in a partner/life, ... and about every day we send each other a small message along the lines of 'I was thinking about you today - I hope you had a good evening and I wish you a good night' or 'I am sending you a virtual hug' or 'Sending you love for Valentine's day'. Things like that.

He has clearly said on several occasions that he is/might be interested and we really connect when we talk. We have the same values, are looking for the same things, ... we really match.

We both equally initiate the conversations and he has recently asked me for some pictures and send me pictures of himself, his pets, his appartment, his family, ...

 

Problem is: we haven't met (yet).

We talk about meeting each other, but more along the lines of 'yes, it would be great to meet each other in real life'.

Last time, I again said it would be great to meet him in real life and that we would need to set a date, but his only reaction was 'yes, that would be great'. He did not suggest anything.

 

Now, I am fine with how things are going, but I am wondering: is he interested? is he just talking things slowly or stringing me along?

 

Further information:

- he has been single for more than a year

- i am 28, he is 31

- yes, he really does exist, as he has send me some pictures of this artwork/his pets/his family/arty videos of him via youtube, etc. and we talk mostly via facebook.

 

Thanks all!

 

ps. I really like this guy and would like to know him better, but I have been hurt too many times in the past, so if he is not interested/stringing me along, I think I would prefer to end this now.

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You met on a dating site. People who use those sites DO want to date. If they don't, it's because they're either hiding something or just killing time online.

If I were you, I would ask him straight out when he's available to meet (as long as distance isn't an issue) and if he didn't react positively, I would stop all communication with him.

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I agree with missmarple.

I have made this mistake of giving people on these dating sites benefit of doubt. Remember, the website is a way to know about who is interesting and available and get them to meet in real life ASAP. A week to 2 max.

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Three months and no meeting = stringing you along.

I'm surprised by how many of us (including me) are so on the look out to avoid being hurt and miss

something this obvious.

I think you should end your virtual friendship at this point.

You could suggest a date and time and let him give you excuses ...or explain to him that you're about to disappear and let him give you excuses ...but both of those prolong the inevitable.

If you are going to be true to your word...that you'd rather end things now if it's going nowhere--then end things now because it's going nowhere.

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I think if he's assertive enough to contact you on an online dating site then he's able to suggest meeting if he's interested. He already knows you're willing and wanting to meet and he hasn't done anything about it, so to me that looks like he's happy with the current amount of involvement. If if were me I wouldn't get too interested or invested. It's possible to connect with someone through online communication yet not actually want to get involved in real life. You can't assume anything because it's the unknown and is all only speculation. You can feel like you're close but it can be an illusion which can vanish with the light of day. I think that's the nature of online. I would cut down on the daily communication because you're getting too invested and it's setting you up for disappointment. If he's not really interested in a real life relationship and you are, then it's not a good idea to be spending an hour a day online with him.

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Well, first time I initated i said something along the lines of 'Hey, I have a crazy idea, let's meet in real life someday, that would be great' and he said 'that is not as crazy as it seems, you should know that if I am talking to you so much, it means that I am interested and that I would like it to lead somewhere, not only to talk to you online'.

The second time was 1 week ago and I said 'it would be really great to see you face to face someday' and he replied 'yes, that would be great and I am already looking forward to it'.

But nothing concrete...

Couple of days ago we had a long conversation and we were asking a lot of (personal) questions. I said 'sorry about all this questions. If it is too private, you don't have to answer' and he said 'nothing is too private to tell you. It is normal to ask these questions if we are both interested'. And I said 'oh, glad to know you are interested' and he said 'are you that suprised to know that I am'?

 

I am currently dating some other guys I met online, but none of them have something interesting to say and I feel we dated 'too early', so we did not have a connection yet.

 

But you are all right: if it does not turn out into a concrete date, he is probably not interested.

 

Distance is not an issue, in this particular case.

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If you want to date online, he is your guy. If you want to date in real life and use dating sites as a way to first contact your potential dates/relationship then he is not your guy. For whatever reason he doesn't want to meet in person. People move towards pleasure and away from pain, generally speaking. Who cares what the reason is -might be as harmless as he's not interested in doing more than talking/flirting on line or it might involve lies/deception of some kind. As far as the men you met "too early" I completely disagree. I don't think you have to have more than a sense of "I could be comfortable talking to this person in person for 45 minutes" to meet in person.

You don't need more of a "connection" because you develop the connection -if there is going to be one -in person. On the other hand you can have all these expectations about someone you've never met in real life and that makes the first meeting an unfortunately pressure cooker so that you really can't get to know the person in person in a natural way.

 

The other truth here is that for some reason you don't really want to meet him in person or you would have stopped being in contact with him long ago. My guess is that you are enjoying the fantasy of what he might be in person and you're afraid of being disappointed in real life. Or something like that. It also gives you an excuse not to get close to anyone else while you wait for the day when you can meet fantasy man. Much easier than having a real life dating or romantic relationship.

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I think after 1-2 weeks of chatting, it makes sense to meet in person, particularly if he is not far away distance wise. I'm pretty suspicious that he hasn't asked you out yet. I suspect that he has a gf and they are on the rocks, or he is dating another woman (or women) and he is more serious about them, but he wants you as a backup plan, in case that doesn't pan out.

 

I would honestly walk. I think it's a big red flag that he doesn't want to meet/hasn't made plans. IF you are serious about him, say, "let's get coffee this weekend." if he balks, then you need to move on.

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If there are no phone calls or skype/facetime (I didn't catch that) and you don't have his cell number and his home/work address after all this time then I would go with the explanation that he is not single.

 

The additional problem I noticed is that you see him as a "great guy" when for all practical purposes he is a stranger. You have no idea if his Facebook account is real, either or if it is but is one of two where the other has his relationship-related information.

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My guess is that he's just enjoying an online romance, to get away from his routine, whatever that is (married, in a relationship, whatever). If distance isn't a problem, then I see no reason for him not to want to meet you in person.

I would tell him straight up that you didn't register on an online dating site to find pen pals, you are looking to meet people and do things with them. Suggest a specific day of your choice to meet for a coffee, and see what he says. If he finds excuses, tell him this is not going to work out, and wish him good luck in his search.

I see no point dragging this out, it's a major waste of time, because you don't even know who he is, you only know his online persona, which could be the complete opposite of what he is in real life.

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There is nothing "crazy" about wanting to meet someone you have met on a DATING site! As MissMarple has already said … he is on a dating site and therefore SHOULD be looking to date …. if he isn't making an effort to do that then there must be a reason behind it. Granted he may want to give things a bit of time to see whether there is a connection or not but, lets face it, when you meet someone who excites you, you don't hang about …. especially when you know other people could be messaging them as well. In fact, you can't wait to meet them. That is what a true connection is.

 

I was assuming that there was some distance between you and/or that travel arrangements were difficult yet that doesn't seem to be the case. If there was a strong connection that was felt on both sides I can't see what there is stopping you from seeing each other.

 

This is what I think …. and, of course, I could be wrong … but, anyways, as this guy is on a dating site he is most probably talking to other women. Therefore it is likely that he is "keeping more than one egg is his basket" (for want of a better analogy). I guess that is one of the privileges of being on a "dating" site and what being on a dating site is all about … until you find Mr or Mrs Right, that is. What I am trying to say is he is most likely keeping you as back-up (or his online girl) whilst he continues to look around. In the meantime he is enjoying the flirting and the "virtual" connection you have, yet he has little to no intention of making it real.

 

If someone was really excited about having met you (whether that be online or not) they would make an effort to see you, especially if distance is NOT an issue. I would honestly not waste any more time on this guy. If someone "procrastinates" over meeting me, then they wouldn't be good enough for me in my eyes.

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Well, first time I initated i said something along the lines of 'Hey, I have a crazy idea, let's meet in real life someday, that would be great' and he said 'that is not as crazy as it seems, you should know that if I am talking to you so much, it means that I am interested and that I would like it to lead somewhere, not only to talk to you online'.

The second time was 1 week ago and I said 'it would be really great to see you face to face someday' and he replied 'yes, that would be great and I am already looking forward to it'.

But nothing concrete...

 

This guy is straight up stringing you along. He is actually not interested in meeting you in person. I would stop talking to him.

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It's not good to pursue anyone too geographically difficult to meet, and it's never good to spend too long online before meeting a potential lover. It's all fantasy building. You fall 'in love' with the figure you build 'about' someone with your mind, and you're dis-illusioned when you recognize that your creation has zero to do with reality.

 

Either you want a real relationship, or you want to live in your head. Nobody here can decide that for you.

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Ok, so I asked him out today, saying that I would like our virtual friendship to turn out into something more concrete and real life.

No answer yet...

 

I will keep you all updated!

 

I hope you get the answer you want, Yes, definitely keep us posted.

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Well, I have send my message about 24h ago and he read it straight away, but no answer... (yet).

 

How long should I wait before concluding he is not interested?

 

My first thought would be that if he were interested, he would have responded the same day...

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Well, I have send my message about 24h ago and he read it straight away, but no answer... (yet).

 

How long should I wait before concluding he is not interested?

 

My first thought would be that if he were interested, he would have responded the same day...

 

Either he's not interested or he has something to hide. Actually, if he were interested (and with nothing to hide) he would have asked you first.

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That is exactly what I am starting to think as well, Miss Marple!

 

When guys asked me out, it was always within 1/2 weeks after meeting each other (either online or in real life).

But I remember a similar story now, happened a couple of years ago, with a guy I met on the internet, that loved talking to me ALL THE TIME, telling me how great I was, etc., but never trying to meet up. He was really fishy...

 

My guess is:

1. He is not over his ex, so does not want to do anything that would make him too 'commited'

2. He has something to hide

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Well, I have send my message about 24h ago and he read it straight away, but no answer... (yet).

 

How long should I wait before concluding he is not interested?

 

My first thought would be that if he were interested, he would have responded the same day...

 

How have you not concluded he is not interested in you? He's obviously not interested enough to meet you, which is the baseline in dating hon.

 

I'm surprised you haven't kept it moving yet.

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Don't worry, I did make the same conclusions you did!

 

I just did not want to rush and leave him at least the time to answer.

But I did move on, he is not part of my friend-list anymore, I am not wasting my time with this type of games anymore.

 

Too bad, but moving on to the next ;-)

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