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Need advice... Married but on the verge of divorce.


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Will keep it short. If you have questions... Ask please.

 

Me, 39, hubby, 38. Married 10 years. One daughter who is 5 years old.

 

Met my hubby and was married to him 6 months later. I'll admit, he was sort of in the right place at the right time. Both our respective parents pressuring us to get married... We loved each other well enough, were a good fit in each other's families, etc. so we took the plunge.

 

We hardly knew each other when we married though. Didn't know each other's quirks. We had not had sex with each other, but had gone far enough to know we were somewhat attracted.

 

And then we got married.... There was no sexual chemistry. None. He's a good husband... Buys gifts for every occasion, does housework, strives to be a great provider. But I don't love him as a husband. I haven't for a long time.

 

We had a tough time going through round after round of fertility treatments for years 2-5. Financial drain, etc. Then we finally got the baby we wanted. And things were okay for a while. But never really. I knew I was always picking on him and starting fights because I was just unhappy and unfulfilled. By the time we had been married for 8 years, we had sex no more than 25 times.

 

We moved to another country for my hubby's job 3 years ago. That's where the affair started. It was amazing, fulfilling... As affairs are. 6 months after the affair started we moved back to the US. Not a day has gone by that we have not chatted/ spoken. I've since visited that country 4 times and have maintained the relationship over the past 2 years..... And fast forward to now.

 

Crazy as it sounds, my hubby knows and doesn't object to the affair. The guy happens to be the hubby of his ex-gf from when he was young. He knows the guy, we all are friends, and he is now having a relationship with his ex again via chat/ phone. I think I might have driven him into that. The most recent trip to that country, my hubby and I made, the four of us went on a trip, and swapped spouses. We actually stayed as couples in separate rooms.

 

Now is a crossroad. I know this relationship is for our daughter. But she she's our arguing, our general frustration and unhappiness. My "affair" wants us both to leave our spouses and wants me to come marry and be with him. He can provide a great life. My daughter knows and loves him, but the new place will certainly be an adjustment.

 

We would, of course, divorce and wait a while before any moves were made. But we would be divorcing with this intent. We are both very unhappy in sexless, somewhat loveless marriages. I have trust issues with my hubby for some emotional cheating he had done early in our marriage and other small things which have added up. Don't know if they can be resolved. I also have no desire to ever have sex with my hubby again.

 

Do I divorce? Be with this other person? My daughter will have limited relationship with her dad.... The worst worst part of this. But on the other hand, she has a mom who is living a very unhappy life stuck on the fence.

 

I know it all sounds crazy. But it is what it is. I'm so confused about it all. What to do?

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Right now things seem so grand with your affair partner...but once the thrill of the "forbidden" is over and real life sets in, I wonder how thrilling this other man will be to you. How would your husband feel if his daughter was taken away from him to live in another country? Would he fight you for custody? You can just as easily get out of this bad marriage without having to run to the arms of another man. Your daughter comes first. There is another choice: divorce your husband, forget the affair man and adjust to life living on your own in the same hometown as your ex husband so that your daughter can continue having her mother and real father as an integral part of her life.

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And then we got married.... There was no sexual chemistry. None.

We had a tough time going through round after round of fertility treatments for years 2-5.

 

I realize this is well after the fact, but why, why, why did you choose to bring a child into a loveless relationship?

 

Since you did make that decision, you have got to put her first. I agree with CAD. Get out of your marriage but don't drag your daughter to another country away from her father. If this guy loves you so much, let him come to you.

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Sounds like what this has turned into is an open marriage. Even though you two haven't explicitly discussed it, your mutual actions have certainly confirmed it. Something you two probably should sit down and talk about.

 

As for the guy you are sleeping with, please do yourself a favor and don't make an identical mistake twice in a row. You married your husband without knowing what you are getting into and you want to do the same again. Sure, the sex might be great but you have no idea who he is and what he is like in daily life.

 

I think you and your husband need to sit down and speak openly to each other about what you are both doing and whether you should stay swinging or part ways for good. One thing you shouldn't do is run to the other guy and marry him without taking time to fully know what he is like once the excitement and lust are worn off.

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Thank you all for your comments and advice. I really needed it to help me think clearly. Any more advice anyone gives will be much appreciated.

 

To answer some of the questions, we had a baby because it seemed the right thing to do. Family pressure, blah, blah. I think we stayed together all these years for the same reason. It was like a sinking ship all along, but no one had the guts to jump off.

 

The affair guy can't come here because he owns a business that he can't leave. I know him very well, have stayed at his place, was friends with his wife. I know what he's like in real life. He lives in the same town where hubby grew up and my in-laws live there. It would be awkward, but my daughter will always be connection to her dad's family. I feel like making the move now while she is young will allow her to adjust as vs. when she is older.

 

I know there is a third option of leaving hubby but not going to the affair guy. In that case, why not stay here, as friends? It's the thought that keeps running through my mind. In either case, affair guy wants to end this. Either get together or cut ties and make the best of our current situations. My hubby won't cut ties... He already said he won't.

 

No option seems to be the right one. In the meanwhile.... Everyone is suffering....

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I feel like making the move now while she is young will allow her to adjust as vs. when she is older.

Yes, and one day she might not be very happy with you for denying her the right to have her real dad close at hand. Your husband won't cut ties with you or with the other person he is involved with? All the adults in this equation have been very selfish. Your daughter does not need to yanked away from her father just to make 2 of the adults happy.

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Everyone is forgetting that a child raised in an UNHAPPY, dysfunctional relationship is NOT HEALTHY either! I lived with my husband for 20 years...for the kids. No sex the last 15. My kids never saw what it is like to have two parents who TALK and LOVE each other.

 

This woman has known/been involved with this man for 3 years. Everyone (most) people on here think 'affair' people never work out. I've known many who left their wives for another woman...and stayed married the rest of their lives!

 

I also had a bf one time. Dated for almost one year. He had lived with a woman for 10 years until his best friend started having an affair with her. So they broke up. Best friend (ex..lol) and her got together. A year later (bf lived 90 min. away) i found out that MY bf was seeing the ex best friends EX gf....all that time! huh? She had a daughter. I knew nothing about it.

 

Anyway, i didn't find this all out til he was pulling away from me. And he went back to her...and got married. So basically, after 10 years together, they swapped partners.

 

So it happens. I myself think it's better to raise a child in a healthy, happy environment, then not. I feel it IS important that the parent is HAPPY first, for without a happy, healthy mom, how can she raise a child to be that way. Many people get divorced these days, and go on to live productive lives. And lots of kids are raised in families that are miserable, and fight, etc. Does that make it right???

 

As i raised my two boys, i always thought....i hope we're not screwing them up....cuz they NEVER saw their parents KISS, HOLD HANDS, SIT BY EACH OTHER...OR EVEN TALK....the whole time we were together. But they did see us fight.

 

I can go on and on....but you get the point. PARENTS DO need to be happy. The little girl will see her Dad, and new guy will be her step-dad. I have a guy friend who has been married multiple times. He has now been married 10 years and had his first child when he was 50. HE raised his step kids since they were 10 and 12...they ADORE him!

 

I think it would be easier actually for a younger child, they are much more resilient to change. Just talk to her, explain it's not her fault...etc. etc.

 

Now i hope i won't get bashed. But this is MY opinion from someone who stayed in a loveless marriage for 20 years....

 

edit: This new country has your in-laws in it!!! So NOW she will be able to see her GRANDPARENTS! That is big! And i'm sure your husband will be coming to visit his parents! Hey, he might even stay with the other woman.

 

All i know is...no one is happy right now. Time to make changes...and i vote for the one that makes the ADULTS happy...and in turn will make the child happy and secure also. She'll adjust just fine....

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The most recent trip to that country, my hubby and I made, the four of us went on a trip, and swapped spouses. We actually stayed as couples in separate rooms.

 

That sounds like the plot of that movie "We Don't Live Here Anymore". (Spoiler alert: it didn't end well)

 

Now i hope i won't get bashed. But this is MY opinion from someone who stayed in a loveless marriage for 20 years....

 

However, Realitynut has cited examples where swapping partners has worked out. Pairing up with a long time friend may not be so crazy, perhaps the qualities that made the friendship can be applicable to romantic compatablity.

 

All i know is...no one is happy right now. Time to make changes...and i vote for the one that makes the ADULTS happy...and in turn will make the child happy and secure also. She'll adjust just fine....

 

Not going to bash. You make good points. It is time to make changes. Whether getting a divorce and starting over where she currently lives. Or getting a divorce and moving on with the affair partner. Either way, the marriage is an untenable situation.

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To answer some of the questions, we had a baby because it seemed the right thing to do. Family pressure, blah, blah.

 

Okay, then based on this response, I'd say that you don't have the best track record of making rational decisions. Going to be with this man may seem like "the right thing to do" right now, but to an outsider, it actually seems like a really bad idea.

 

I stand by what I said about your child. When you decide to have a child, she needs to come first. Divorcing her dad, uprooting her, and bringing a new man as a father figure into her life in that short space of time is potentially devastating. At the very least she deserves the stability of spacing these changes out over years.

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E

Time to make changes...and i vote for the one that makes the ADULTS happy.

 

That would be great if what made the adults happy wasn't potentially unhealthy for them as well as the child. Nobody expects her to stay in a loveless marriage. But that doesn't mean she should just turn around and get into another possibly dysfunctional relationship, take her daughter from her father, and cause even more harm.

 

Yes, parents should be happy. But that needs to come from within them, not from a new relationship. She is more than welcome to divorce, figure out who she is outside of the context of someone's wife/girlfriend, and make improvements to her own life. That would absolutely benefit her child.

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My daughter will have limited relationship with her dad.... The worst worst part of this.

 

That can't happen without her growing to resent the hell out of you for it.

 

Going straight to new guy means you've never gone solo to work out your own stuff, so you'll transfer that to new guy and be miserable once the honeymoon wears off.

 

Why not just divorce, grieve, dig into your own life and build it?

 

You can't even conceive of what can grown from that, and you'll avoid the regret of never finding out.

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Thank you realitynut for your post and to those who commented. It helps a lot to have the different perspectives.

 

I think at the root of it, that's where my dilemma is. I know that I want to divorce, but I'm not sold on marrying affair guy yet. I'm not sure if it would be the best thing for my daughter...

 

I'm a responsible person. I won't make crazy decisions. Just trying to do what will make me happy and in the process make me a better and more productive person and mom.

 

Thanks again all!

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Thank you realitynut for your post and to those who commented. It helps a lot to have the different perspectives.

 

I think at the root of it, that's where my dilemma is. I know that I want to divorce, but I'm not sold on marrying affair guy yet. I'm not sure if it would be the best thing for my daughter...

 

I'm a responsible person. I won't make crazy decisions. Just trying to do what will make me happy and in the process make me a better and more productive person and mom.

 

Thanks again all!

 

It would help your decision making to get legal advice, because you may not be allowed to take your daughter out of state to live beyond a certain distance from her father.

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It may be invaluable to rearrange your lives if it's truly this way.

 

All this being said, saving an unhappy marriage is not putting the kid first. Preserving an amiable relationship between you and her father IS putting her first. So if you and him can put together a mutual divorce, maybe that would indeed work out well for you, and maybe it would work out for affair guy as well. If you and your husband are in open relationships, and you're both enjoying them, maybe this marriage Is good, for both of you, as a means of maintaining a household.

 

Affair guy is still married himself, so it's not like you could just move on with him anyways...

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The fact that your family managed to pressure you into marriage, then into years of fertility treatments with a man you don’t even like, says that you need to be on your own, to discover yourself, and figure out how to stand on your own two feet so you can be a GOOD role model to your daughter. Running off to marry this other guy is wrong on so many levels.

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SamIAm, please check the link below, the site is called "marriage builders" and in there, amongst many other great advice how to keep love alive in marriage, there is an extensive section about Infidelity: how it begins, how it should end, how to recover the marriage and deal with resentment.

 

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Yours is like a classic case from this web site-unfulfilling, loveless marriage, you are not alone. But have you and your husband tried to remedy things before you throw in the towel? It looks like you have done nothing to fix your marriage. You must. Things are salvageable, and you owe it to your daughter, husband and yourself too. I would strongly advise you to read through the Marriage Builders web site, discuss with your husband and take contact with Dr. Harley, who seems to be very competent specialist in helping couples overcome infidelity and rebuild their marriages. He says that men/women in affairs are like addict-they can only think of their lover with no regard to their children and spouses feelings. But very often if they go ahead with the divorce and end up with their lovers, people feel disappointed and miss their ex wives/husbands. Thread carefully as I'm not sure you are objective of the hard consequences that your affair may have on you. And on your daughter too.

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