Beans Healing Progress

[beans]

My ex broke up with me 5 months ago. It was a 4-year relationship. I will not go to detail about breakup itself. But i will focus on what I have been doing so far.

 

Everyone keeps saying it takes time, keep myself busy, go out with friends. First few weeks I had no drive I just want to cry all day when at home. Then I started going out with friends even if i was lazy. Im doing no contact even with fb and twitter. I've met new friends, went to the gym and not let it affect performance with work.

 

I still think about my ex everyday. We were best friends and it is frustrating that I cant make the same connection of friendship with other people. I am not even looking for a new relationship because I know I'm still not over what happened.

 

There are days where I feel that all this busyness is just a distraction. When Im not busy I am upset again about what happened. I really miss my ex and the very special connection. Is there really someone better who is coming when I least expect it? I think people just tell me that so I wont be so sad.

 

A while ago I saw someone on the street who looked like my ex. I was stunned and stared back and it wasnt him. I cried on the way home. This is painful.

 

I cant afford therapy regularly, but have had a couple of sessions. I am having trouble opening up to my friends since they all think Im doing better (since it's been almost 6 months ago) but there are days like this that i am not okay. Maybe I can update this thread every few weeks about my healing progress for people like me who can relate. Thank you for reading.

[catfeeder]

You're doing great--even though it doesn't feel like it.

 

It takes time for emotions to catch up with behaviors, but the reverse doesn't work at all. You can't withdraw from healthy behaviors and expect to feel up to them later, because emotions follow behaviors--not the other way around.

 

Living in your head is an attractive alternative to everyone exhausted by grief, but it drills you into a worse state that's even more difficult to climb out of, so you're smart to limit that.

 

This doesn't mean you can't pull off the classic box-o-tissues cryfest with chick flicks and good ice cream now and then. But it does mean sealing off that time with a mental trek toward your goals of resiliency, being of service to loved ones, and feeling good about your Self with tiny successes that make you proud.

 

You won't bond through your heart with anyone right away, and while that feels lonely, consider it like asking someone healing a broken leg to run a marathon. Your heart is healing, and if you trust that it will open unexpectedly one day to one small gesture from a loved one you've otherwise taken for granted, you can look forward to that flood of optimism.

 

Keep your head high, and you'll thank yourself later.

[beans]

Before sleeping I came accross "rejection therapy", it's a game where you look for rejection on purpose, like asking for a burger refill at a fastfood joint. The more no's you get, the more "disentisized" you get. Though being rejected as a life partner is much much more painful, but I appreciate the rejection therapy idea that being rejected is okay.

 

It's really weird, you're very sad so you don't eat. And because you don't eat you feel more sad. I am eating well and gained some of my weight back and my mood is better.

 

I like your metaphor on the broken leg to run a marathon. In my case I think both legs are broken and I still want to run. I just really miss him, even when I'm happy I miss him. You know that habit where something really good happens to you, and the first person you text is your significant other? Or when I'm really upset, I need to talk to my best friend for comfort. Now I have to disperse any story to a bunch of people. It's not the same but it'll have to do.

 

I don't want to be sad, some of my friends are saying, I thought you'd be fine by now it's been so long! I feel that I'm on a different vortex, they don't understand that it doesn't take a month to get over someone. I have a couple of quotes on my notebook that I look back to every now and then when I feel sad. One of my favorites is "God's rejection is God's protection."

[Marla]

Okay so I'm going through a horrible break up from a 7 year relationship and engagement now so I can't speak for myself. But I'll tell you about my best friend.

 

She met this guy fell head over heels for him, did everything for him, would have done anything he said. HE broke up with her. For a strong independent gal she was crushed. She went on antidepressants, didn't date for a year cried in my arms every night when we hung out. She swore to me she'd never meet anyone like this guy, she'd die alone, all the good guys are already taken ect.…

 

Fast forward 3 years later she is getting married in 1 month to the man of her dreams, huge extravagant wedding- the new guy spoils her, pampers her and she says she is happy to now see what true love is- And I'm her maid of honor.

 

Point being- she gave up for 1-1.5 years. then on day she was getting her nails done in a nail salon when her hubby to be's mom took a liking to her- called her son on the spot and said "hey - I just met your future wife." His mom forced him to go out with my friend that night and have been together ever since. And this is busy NYC where people are a dime a dozen.

 

So yes it will happen when you least expect it. right now love is blind- even for me I wonder if I can ever love anyone like I do my ex. I cry everyday, multiple times, I drink myself to sleep. But I still have hope, I believe in love and I truly believe or hope that I will find love again someday.

 

 

Also same here - went to a few therapy sessions couldn't really afford it and couldn't really say it helped much. Can't open up to friends they think I'm doing better to. And yes me and my ex had such a bond, a friendship only person in this world I could tell anything to. We are all in the same boat here, just trying to truck through the rough days and hoping for a better future.

[Rabbit 5]

I know how you all feel we didn't just loose a boyfriend we also lost our best mate.

It hurts more I can't talk to my best friend because he not there anymore but I realized and all of use should we are strong lady's and we will get through this and find someone or if meant to be, it's meant to be.

 

I'm taking 6 months off of no relationships because I want to hill and forgive. The next relationship I be in I know I have have came to terms and hill.

 

We can do this and we all here to help

[catfeeder]

I don't want to be sad, some of my friends are saying, I thought you'd be fine by now it's been so long! I feel that I'm on a different vortex, they don't understand that it doesn't take a month to get over someone.

 

Hah! No, they just don't remember.

 

That's the good news to take from this--it's like the pain of childbirth. Time heals and we forget how bad it was. We live through it, and really, the only way 'around' it is through.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[beans]

Marla I can sympathize with you. It isn't easy. If it is any comfort, a similar thing happened to my uncle. Then he eventually met my now aunt and they got married and are still happily married. Thank you for sharing the story about your best friend! It helps me stay optimistic that I should be patient. I admire you still believing in love. I think you are in great hands, your best friend also understands what you are going through and I am sure she will be your dependable support system. What have you been doing lately to boost your mood?

 

Rabbit 5, smart move to stay out of a relationship for a while. But what do you do if you develop feelings for someone? It is comforting knowing that I really am not alone. Yes yes we can all make it through this!

 

Another good metaphor from you catfeeder thank you. I keep forgetting that healing really does take time. I feel worse because I am so impatient that I'm not healing fast enough. I read someone say here in ENA that we are already healing at the fastest way we can. There are just some down days like when I started the thread. I have never experienced an incredible amount of pain before.

 

I noticed that compared to the first few weeks of the breakup it was all me me me. My stories to people are about me and my pain. I am trying my best to ask people about their day too now. And if they have problems I listen or give advice if they ask me to.

 

For Valentine's Day I gave my officemates some treats. They were happy to receive the small tokens and I felt great especially because I know some of them have never had a decent Valentine's Day.

[catfeeder]

I am trying my best to ask people about their day too now. And if they have problems I listen or give advice if they ask me to.

 

For Valentine's Day I gave my officemates some treats. They were happy to receive the small tokens and I felt great especially because I know some of them have never had a decent Valentine's Day.

 

This is EXACTLY the right strategy, you're doing great! Do you realize how many people stay locked about themselves, and it never even occurs to them to extend beyond all of that to reach into the humanity of other people?

 

You are sooo far ahead of this, and you'll no doubt grow in leaps and bounds for the experience. Grief can be more transformative than highs because it taps a depth in us that would otherwise go untouched. It doesn't feel 'good' until all of a sudden, it feels ~very~ good, because we can look back and know we are changed for the better.

 

You'll thank yourself sooner rather than later, and chances are, you may be able to pinpoint this as a time you wouldn't trade for anything.

 

Keep it up, sunshine!

[Marla]

Marla I can sympathize with you. It isn't easy. If it is any comfort, a similar thing happened to my uncle. Then he eventually met my now aunt and they got married and are still happily married. Thank you for sharing the story about your best friend! It helps me stay optimistic that I should be patient. I admire you still believing in love. I think you are in great hands, your best friend also understands what you are going through and I am sure she will be your dependable support system. What have you been doing lately to boost your mood?

 

Thanks Beans ! I'm glad my story helped you out. I have been keeping extremely busy. I try to do something every day. I notice on days I stay home it sets me way back and I start to lose it. So I try to do one major thing with someone everyday.

 

My best friend invites to stay with her and her fiancé every weekend, I've done that a few times but don't want to impose so I also stay with my cousin both live in different towns so there is nothing to remind me of my ex.

 

I'm also trying to change my frame of mind - I love my ex terribly, I want him to be happy even if that means letting him go. If he is happier without me I am fine with that. And I have this overwhelming sense of gratitude when I convince myself this - that I am thankful to have had such an amazing person in my life for the time I did- yes we fought but he helped me get through 4 rigorous years of schooling took me out to celebrate when I passed my exams. So I am thankful he didn't leave me then when he could of destroyed my career.

 

Also I think of it this way...

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all

A quote I ran accross while doing research for my maid of honor speech.

 

I am thankful that I got the chance to experience true love, and like I said I am looking forward to finding love again with someone I am more compatible with when I am healed.

[bad times]

I know exactly how you feel. I have had the same thing. I never went a day without talking to my ex. He became literally my other half and I would have done anything for that. Then came the end after what would have been five years.

We do all the usual things people tell us, we hope things get better and people say that "theres someone better out there".

I don't know what the future holds. We will go on, that I do know. We must. But it is a tough journey when we should never have had to go through it in the first place.

 

We are strong as we are going through this. If we weren't, we would be doing far worse. But I do feel pathetic at times thinking I should be all "Destinies child independent woman" and all that. But it weighs on you regardless.

You are not alone in this Beans. Hopefully we will all get there.

[beans]

I woke up this morning missing him again, like a sharp pain in the chest. Then I saw the FB group messages from my friends. I don't even remember what's in it but I felt better.

 

I heard breakup songs on the radio and felt a bit sad. Though i dont think I can handle hearing his favorite songs just yet. I am thinking about testing the waters and going to other places we frequent. But I'm scared I might just open up my wound.

 

I went to the gym after work and had fun even if my muscles are sore.

 

Overall today is a good day.

Grief can be more transformative than highs because it taps a depth in us that would otherwise go untouched.

 

You'll thank yourself sooner rather than later, and chances are, you may be able to pinpoint this as a time you wouldn't trade for anything.

 

Keep it up, sunshine!

Transformative indeed. I think helping out too is better than your regular highs in life because the latter one is so shallow. I barely noticed other people before and now I appreciate the time that they do spend with me. I want to return the favor as a thank you. Maybe in ENA I can also return the favor to all of you nice people who help those who are still healing. I can post my "i am over him" thread. One day!

 

How are you now though? Are you already taken, dating or happily enjoying singlehood?

 

I notice on days I stay home it sets me way back and I start to lose it. So I try to do one major thing with someone everyday.

 

My best friend invites to stay with her and her fiancé every weekend, I've done that a few times but don't want to impose so I also stay with my cousin both live in different towns so there is nothing to remind me of my ex.

 

I'm also trying to change my frame of mind - I love my ex terribly, I want him to be happy even if that means letting him go. If he is happier without me I am fine with that.

 

Also I think of it this way...

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all

A quote I ran accross while doing research for my maid of honor speech.

 

I am thankful that I got the chance to experience true love, and like I said I am looking forward to finding love again with someone I am more compatible with when I am healed.

I know what you mean about being uneasy when idle. Do you have a pet? I read that owning a dog is a therapeutic thing too. Or a hedgehog because it's so low maintenance as told by my friend.

 

I'm happy to hear you have places to stay in on weekends! It's like a mini vacation too.

 

Yes that quote is so true. We had a good run. I think you too are on the right track to moving on. i'm rooting for you!

 

He became literally my other half and I would have done anything for that. Then came the end after what would have been five years.

We do all the usual things people tell us, we hope things get better and people say that "theres someone better out there".

I don't know what the future holds. We will go on, that I do know. We must.

 

We are strong as we are going through this. If we weren't, we would be doing far worse. But I do feel pathetic at times thinking I should be all "Destinies child independent woman" and all that. But it weighs on you regardless.

You are not alone in this Beans. Hopefully we will all get there.

Being so used to doing things together, after the breakup I felt really lost. As you say life goes on. Thank you bad times. I do know we will all get there, our pacing is just different.

[Marla]

Hey Beans,

 

I have the same problem! I wake up in the morning, after a nap or in the middle of the night and panic and miss him. When I wake up and think of him it seems so surreal, like its impossible that we are no longer together, I feel gut wrenched, its an indescribable feeling. This has been the worst for me.

 

But outside of this its been better, I had a bad day monday but find myself thinking of him less during the day.

 

I've been going to places we frequent with friends and family instead, it hurts a little at first but I want to make new memories of these places. I went to with my cousin to the mall we were at right before he proposed we had lunch and great time. now I remember my cousin instead of thinking of him when I think of that mall. this technique worked for me. Try it when your ready.

 

When we first broke up I wanted to get a cat… pretty low maintenance too, after going shopping for one I decided it would be a huge commitment because I'm going to have to re-locate in a few months. I definitely think a pet would be helpful. My friend who broke up with her BF last year said she wouldn't haven't gotten through it without her dog.

 

I'm rooting for you too, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us !

[beans]

It's my birthday today, I'm going out with ny family later. I received a lot of greetings in text and FB. It is an almost a normal day, my family don't do surprises. Then my ex texted me a simple happy bday text and I don't know what to do. I feel really sad. Should I reply?

 

I'm back to the low part of the wave. Trying to focus on the family and friends who remembered me but this day is really hard.

 

I tried passing by his office and I couldn't handle it. My sister was there with me. Thank you for the tip!

 

It's nice that you are re-locating. I've read that a new place is also a good way to recover since you've got a fresh start with your house and new memories to make there.

[Marla]

Happy birthday beans !!!! I hope you had a great day !

 

Reply tomorrow don't let it ruin your day today !

[beans]

I feel terrible for replying even if I had no follow up question as part of my text so I wont expect a reply. I feel pathetic because everyone else said I shouldnt have replied. It feels like another weak moment for me. I would appreciate comforting words because I feel like right now everyone says it was a bad idea.

 

This is supposed to be a healing thread but I am back to square one and the time that I will be recovered seems like an almost impossible place to be in. But it might give others a picture that healing is not immediately upward track.

 

My birthday was nice. I appreciate my dad's effort to buy me cake and a friend calling me to greet instead of just a text message.

 

My sister is a gym buff. She gave me a workout plan today because she knows more than my gym trainer. Also she told me about the machines that I shouldnt use because it's bad for my joints. Im looking forward to tomorrow.

[catfeeder]

Birthday time is tricky for most of us, so don't fear any down days--they're not permanent setbacks.

 

The first year after a breakup is one of reclaiming your milestones and holidays and other sentimental times and places, so allow yourself your fair share of tenderness and grief while it all shakes out. Time is the magic ingredient, along with a commitment to positive outcomes, which you already possess.

 

Head high, you're doing great, and happy birthday. I wish for you your best year ever--and that's entirely possible even though it doesn't feel like it right NOW ; )

[beans]

Birthday time is tricky for most of us, so don't fear any down days--they're not permanent setbacks.

 

The first year after a breakup is one of reclaiming your milestones and holidays and other sentimental times and places, so allow yourself your fair share of tenderness and grief while it all shakes out. Time is the magic ingredient, along with a commitment to positive outcomes, which you already possess.

 

Head high, you're doing great, and happy birthday. I wish for you your best year ever--and that's entirely possible even though it doesn't feel like it right NOW ; )

Thank you catfeeder and Marla for the birthday greeting!

 

I'm sorry if I sometimes like to repeat things when I post, I find that telling others even if just from the forum helps me get it out of my system. Special days are tough, I do want to be happy but the sadness happens. Thank you for pointing out that I do need to allow grief to happen. I've always tried to fight it especially when I'm supposed to have a terrific time. And when I feel that I'm not doing a good job, I feel worse.

[beans]

I have been reading a lot of books lately. I hear that "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" is good. It's yr 2000. The author has an update to be released this August. I don't know yet if I should just get the old copy or wait for the new one.

 

One quote I read from a different book has a very nice point. I'd like to share it with whoever is reading. This along with what the kind ENA people have been telling me has helped me be better.

 

"Don't try to force feelings if you're not feeling anything or feel strangely detached. Be thankful for the reprieve. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling how you 'should' feel. Accept the ambivalence and know that it will probably give way to other feelings when you're ready to process them. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. Allow yourself yours."

 

I've also focused more of my energy on my religion. I find that not all forumers here talk about religion, which makes sense since I don't impose my religion on others if they don't want to hear it. For me anyway, God is bigger than my problems. I can get through this.

 

Also I wish I was this much in a better mood all the time. Today I am in the high part of the waves. I hope Marla is also doing better and whoever else is on the same boat as I am.

[beans]

I find it comforting to read other people's stories about how they got over the breakup.

 

Today I wonder when it is okay to acknowledge sadness and just feel it until it goes away (and cry if needed), or to cover up the sadness by fake it until you make it attitude.

[kayamoyan]

Since my break up, I've moved to an apartment of my own for the first time in my life. I've kept busy with work, taken up running every morning before work, learning how to road bike, bought tickets to travel by myself to foreign countries on april and june. Cheers to us strong women! I can relate to your posts, keep going forward!

[catfeeder]

I find it comforting to read other people's stories about how they got over the breakup.

 

Today I wonder when it is okay to acknowledge sadness and just feel it until it goes away (and cry if needed), or to cover up the sadness by fake it until you make it attitude.

 

A combo plate worked for me. I had certain times when I leaned in for a marathon cry, and then I'd pull myself together and run around for an Academy Award of my own.

 

The idea is not to get 'stuck' in one mode, where drilling into deep grief digs you into a pit you can't climb out of or faking it leads you to an unhealthy disconnect that won't permit real healing--just perpetual faking--right into some rebound relationship or a superficial existence.

 

It's all about the balance. Consult any Eastern spiritual practice--too much Yin wacks the crap out your Yang. ; )

[beans]

Since my break up, I've moved to an apartment of my own for the first time in my life. I've kept busy with work, taken up running every morning before work, learning how to road bike, bought tickets to travel by myself to foreign countries on april and june. Cheers to us strong women! I can relate to your posts, keep going forward!

I wish I could travel more like you! My pay is just right but I am going out of town with friends this March. Your life sounds exciting. Thanks yes we have to keep moving forward

@catfeeder: That does make sense. I think though I'm very uncomfortable when I have to acknowledge that I am still not over it and to just feel. The weekend my friend had a party. A lot of people sensed that I was off, but I told them I was fine. It was my friend's party, I didnt want to ruin it.

[catfeeder]

The weekend my friend had a party. A lot of people sensed that I was off, but I told them I was fine. It was my friend's party, I didnt want to ruin it.

 

That's the kind of reach that pushes you forward--not making everything about yourself. There's always time to sulk or cry or think or write things out, but the times I found most helpful were the commitments I made to show up for someone else.

 

Head high, Bean, you're doing great.

[Marla]

I find it comforting to read other people's stories about how they got over the breakup.

 

I do that too, it's so comforting ecsp hearing about all the success stories. One weird thing that actually gets me to feel better is to Wiki celebrities and see how many of them were in long term relationships that didn't last. for eg. mila kunis and macaulay culkin dating for 11 years. They broke up and now she's marrying ashton kutcher lol … it's weird but it makes me feel better somehow

[kayamoyan]

I do that too, it's so comforting ecsp hearing about all the success stories. One weird thing that actually gets me to feel better is to Wiki celebrities and see how many of them were in long term relationships that didn't last. for eg. mila kunis and macaulay culkin dating for 11 years. They broke up and now she's marrying ashton kutcher lol … it's weird but it makes me feel better somehow

 

I do that too! Like Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom being the perfect couple and seemed so in love but they still separated. In a way, it's a salve to the pain to know that anybody can be dumped no matter how gorgeous they are or everyone can have relationship problems no matter how put together and perfect their life seems.