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how do I tell my girlfriend I dont want to have sex for awhile


LesPaulGuy

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I need help in tactfully telling my girlfriend I think we should be abstinent for awhile. The reason being that I've realized that I have a mild addiction to internet pornography. Ive had various bouts of ED and Im only 22 and otherwise healthy. I never thought I had an addiction because talking to all of my guy friends I view it the same amount as they do , but as I read more about the topic Im becoming convinced that porn addiction is a widespread problem in my generation and most men don't even realize it.

 

So anyway the first step to kicking this addiction is ceasing sexual stimuli. I can avoid porn but I cant avoid my girlfriend. We live together and she is pretty frisky. My resources for this addiction says you can continue to have sex but only if you don't think about porn. But since Ive had ED I often think about porn when having sex so I can climax, and this causes a lot of guilt/shame.

 

I obviously dont want to stop having sex but I feel like its going to complicate my healing process. I want to truly rid myself of this addiction and think it'd be better for our relationship too. The guilt I feel from watching porn coupled with fantasizing about it during sex with my girlfriend is making me sexually repressed and its just not healthy.

 

There's one more issue, my girlfriend thinks I dont watch porn. We got into some arguments about it early in our relationship as she thinks its akin to cheating (I still disagree) so eventually I just told her I'd stop. She still thinks I dont watch porn, which is believable because we have sex so often so in her eyes Id have no reason to. I know that was a really crappy thing to do and Im about to get my karma for that.

 

My GF is so sensitive Im afraid that she will think Im just losing interest in her sexually. She's also going to be furious when she finds out Ive lied this whole time about watching porn, moreover having an addiction. Idk what to do, I want to make this situation better

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I don't think your abstinence makes much sense so I don't think your gf would receive it well. I think it would be more productive for you to talk to a doctor about the ED and a therapist about the feelings surrounding possible addiction and the shame feelings. Abstaining may have the opposite effect in making you even more sexually repressed, so I think you should get some feedback before self-treating in that particular way.

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Don't tell your gf. Here's the thing: I don't think you need to give up all sexual stimuli to reboot. In fact, I think you will recover more quickly if you have sex with your gf. Give up everything else, though. No more porn, no more masturbating. You want to eliminate the bad pathways and reinforce the good.

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I think you need to face the lies and admit the truth first of all. You've been in a relationship with your girlfriend under false pretences with her not knowing that you still watch porn. If watching porn is something she classes as cheating, then I'm sure the relationship would not have continued had you refused to stop openly, so crossing that bridge initially may not even result in you having a girlfriend to cease sex with.

 

However, if she forgives you then I think sex does not need to stop. I think once you begin to see and experience real sex, without comparing it to porn you may begin to appreciate your girlfriend and how she looks and acts in the bedroom, instead of wishing it was an actor. Cutting out porn initially will still cause you to think about it and miss it during sex, I'm sure - however, once it is no longer an addiction it won't be a platform for your fantasies anymore and you can begin healing your relationship.

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I think the guilt comes from the fact that you have lied to your gf. I personally don't see porn as cheating but I know some women do. Though I believe this makes this as much HER issue as it is yours. Nevertheless, if you think you ARE addicted to porn and you really want to stop then wouldn't you like to have the support of your gf? She is going to know that something is "off" anyway.

 

I am not sure that abstaining from sex for a short amount of time is going to change anything. I just think you need to take steps to cut out porn (and you may or may not need help with this depending on the severity of your addiction).

 

As for the shame, well, everyone has their own little fantasies when they're having sex.... I know I do .... so I don't think you should worry about that too. Plus as you wean yourself from porn you may fantasise less about it. I fantasise that my partner is having sex with someone else. Now, if that were to ever happen in real life it would cut through me like a knife ... yet I still fantasised about it. I thought that maybe I was a little weird but eventually I accepted that it was just a "fantasy" and just went with it. Plus I shared that fantasy with my previous bf. Also someone started a thread on here about it and I realised it wasn't uncommon. Whatever, I think it is acceptable for people to have certain fantasies and that maybe you're being a bit tough on yourself. Talking to someone "in the know" would benefit you greatly, I feel.

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Don't tell your gf. Here's the thing: I don't think you need to give up all sexual stimuli to reboot. In fact, I think you will recover more quickly if you have sex with your gf. Give up everything else, though. No more porn, no more masturbating. You want to eliminate the bad pathways and reinforce the good.

 

I know very little about "rebooting" but I think he's saying the issue is he replays p0rn he has scene to climax when he's intimate with his girlfriend. That's a tricky one..

 

As for the shame, well, everyone has their own little fantasies when they're having sex.... I know I do .... so I don't think you should worry about that too. Plus as you wean yourself from porn you may fantasise less about it.

 

I think this is worth a try. OP, cut out p0rn and see how your sexual fantasies during change over time.

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Hey sorry for the late reply, I've been really busy this week. Thanks for all who took the time with posting. Anyway I highly doubt she would dump me over this, we live together so she wouldnt just walk away, maybe raise some hell for lying. Anyway the reason why I wanted to abstain is because I do have very mild ED; I can get an erection fine but their is a loss of sensation which is why I fantasized to climax. I figure if I had no sexual contact it would give my body time to "reset" so to speak and become sensitized faster.

 

Honestly I think I'm just going to not tell her, stop watching porn, and talk to a therapist about my addictive personality. I'm also a smoker and have other addictive qualities.

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