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I am continually dumbfounded as to why people, women in particular do this.

 

 

I loved a woman very very much. I did a lot for her because I loved her and I enjoyed doing these things. I helped her around the house and was there whenever she needed me. To me this is all part of what it means to be in a committed loving relationship.

 

In the end, she never appreciated what I did for her. Later on I heard from her best friend that she was not used to the good love I gave her, that she was used to guys from her past treating her badly. She did not know how to accept the love and good things I gave her.

 

Now I ask the question: It seems to me the worse a guy treats a woman, the more she likes him and the more appealing he is. I ask why can this be?? This is the paradox I will never understand. Other people I have talked to agree with me. In God's name, why is this?

 

We all want to be treated with respect, love and kindness. If I had wanted this woman to remain in my life, I should have treated her like dirt. We would still be together. This makes no sense.

 

Now it may be too late. We are taking a few weeks off and will have no contact. My hope is she will accept my love and appreciate me more now that I am not around.

 

There are very smart people on this site, and I know someone can give me a clue why women cling to a guy that mistreats them.

 

Thanks for reading

 

John

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Some women will do this because they have issues with self-worth and self esteem. A healthy minded women will not tolerate a guy mistreating her and will seek out a man that can give and receive and she will appreciate him for it.

 

Do you still want to be with this woman?

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Thank you for your quick reply.

 

Yes, I still do want to be with this woman because for the both of us, there is an attraction that for some reason is pulling us together. We have had our problems but neither of us want to walk away. Our 'gut feeling' is telling us to stick it out. We have been good for each other in the past and I know I don't want to be without her. I don't want her to be with anyone else. She told me the same thing.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

JOhn

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I don't think this is particular to women at all. Both sexes do this. People of both sexes that have low self-esteem and don't have the power to establish boundaries find themselves in situations where they are mistreated.

 

Threads that target only women and only men for bad situations and bad choices never work out well.

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I loved a woman very very much. I did a lot for her because I loved her and I enjoyed doing these things. I helped her around the house and was there whenever she needed me...In the end, she never appreciated what I did for her.

 

...

 

There are very smart people on this site, and I know someone can give me a clue why women cling to a guy that mistreats them.

 

 

 

You honestly don't see the irony here? You are wondering why women cling to men who mistreat them---all the while clinging to a woman who mistreated you? I think if you can figure out why you cling to this women, instead of appreciating a woman who will treat you well, you will have your answer.

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This IMO is typical self-proclaimed "Nice Guy" rhetoric. Most women who aren't totally dysfunctional do NOT want to be treated like crap or to be abused by some jerk who doesn't care for them with kindness and respect.... and we do not find men who treat us like crap attractive. The thing is that men who are unable to say "No" to us, men who are doormats for us, men who overcompensate and call it "kindness" are not attractive to us. It's more that the over-compensating nice guy isn't attractive then that the Jerk is.

 

If this girl really is used to being treated poorly, then you've dodged a bullet. Look for women that likes a good guy that has no need to be anything but respectful, kind and who has your feelings reciprocated. No need to over-compensate or placate your rejection by blaming it on "women who do this."

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I am continually dumbfounded as to why people, women in particular do this.

 

My fiancée and I were engaged on 11 September of 2013. She is 45 and I am 52. We set the wedding date to be 21 June 2014. We are both divorced.

 

We had started dating on 3 July of 2013. Yes, it was a bit quick to become engaged and maybe that was part of the problem.

 

Things were great between us up until a month or so ago. She has been relentless in finding my faults and continually pointing them out to me. I mean every little thing I do just annoys her lately. For example, I forgot to close her bedroom window and she talked about that for several days!! She said "I have two teenagers and I don't need a third". This is not the woman I fell in love with and want to marry. She is far less interested in me than she used to be. The nice comments of "I look forward to seeing you" or "you look great" today are long gone.

 

Am I being unrealistic in still expecting her to be the same? The passion is not nearly what it used to be and I would not have expected that to occur this soon. Her 19 year old son said her mom is scared because the date is approaching where a real decision on marriage has to be made. She has been quite short with me and when I point this out she says she is okay. I ask her "what happened to us" and she says "just be yourself". Well how can I be when I sense the almost icy way she has been towards me lately.

 

I ask: How can people change so much in a few months time? It has been a month since she has said she loved me. I don't expect to be told this every day but oh how things are different.

 

I am continually dumbfounded as to why people get engaged in the honeymoon stage of a relationship and then get surprised when things fall apart.

 

You dated for some months and got engaged too quickly before you took some years to really understand each other and test your compatibility.

 

Plain and simple ... she lost interest. She lost interest in sex, she lost attraction to you, and everything you were doing annoyed her. I think she was ready to move on and you were not ready to accept that.

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Yes, I still do want to be with this woman because for the both of us, there is an attraction that for some reason is pulling us together.

Yes i'd hazard a guess that its codependency, fear of being alone and your apparent need to fix.

You've not been together that long. Don't let codependency stop you from getting on with your lives without one another in it. She needs to work on her self-esteem and you need to work on your need to feel needed by giving (even when it's not being reciprocated).

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You honestly don't see the irony here? You are wondering why women cling to men who mistreat them---all the while clinging to a woman who mistreated you? I think if you can figure out why you cling to this women, instead of appreciating a woman who will treat you well, you will have your answer.

 

Very well said!

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You honestly don't see the irony here? You are wondering why women cling to men who mistreat them---all the while clinging to a woman who mistreated you? I think if you can figure out why you cling to this women, instead of appreciating a woman who will treat you well, you will have your answer.

 

Yes extremely well said. I am baffled that women are being attacked for exactly something you are doing, OP. Clinging onto someone that treats you like dirt. Think about it before you compartmentalise an entire gender.

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No, this isn't something that all women do.

 

This is something that damaged women do. They do it for a myriad of reasons, none of which you should be bothering yourself in trying to unravel that Gordian knot.

 

Never act in a way that is contrary to what your truth is. It won't work out.

 

If I was you, I'd make the split permanent. It should not take breaking up with someone for them to see your good qualities or for them to open up a can of act right. All you're doing is inviting a bunch of unnecessary drama into your life.

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You honestly don't see the irony here? You are wondering why women cling to men who mistreat them---all the while clinging to a woman who mistreated you? I think if you can figure out why you cling to this women, instead of appreciating a woman who will treat you well, you will have your answer.

 

Brilliant!

 

OP, there it is.

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I agree with everything the other posters said about you being attracted to the same thing you criticize in women. It is indeed ironic.

 

I have also wondered why I am generally not attracted to men who fall all over themselves to do things for me.

 

Here is my theory and I'm sure it will be rejected by most:

 

It is a fact of life that men are attracted to beauty. It is also a fact of life that women (in general) are attracted to status, power and confidence.

 

When you fall all over yourself to clean out her garage, the message you send is that you are of lower status than she is. It is not something she consciously thinks, but subconsciously that is the message. You also tell her that you are so concerned about currying her favor, that you are constantly focusing on what you can do to gain it. Again, this subconsciously sends a message of low status and low confidence.

 

This puts men in a bit of a bind because if they don't do nice, romantic things for their girlfriends and show how much they care, they are branded as jerks.

 

I think the key is to balance generous, giving acts with focusing your attention on yourself and looking out for number one. That way your kind acts become special, chivalrous gestures rather than a potential symbol of low status.

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I agree with this theory -- although I question whether it's just "beauty" that men are attracted to. I've known women who are very popular and aren't anywhere near what society would normally consider to be beautiful. It's more about attitude and how they ARE than how they LOOK.

 

There's nothing wrong with being NICE. And loving. And giving.

 

But anyone -- male or female -- is going to be put off by someone who isn't also showing strong signs of confidence and independence. You can call it "alpha status" for a guy, or being a "cool girl" for a female. People are NOT attrtcted to martyrs or those who are overly-giving or self-sacrificing. They're NOT attracted by neediness or a willingness to put up with bad treatment from their partner. They're attracted to happiness, self-confidence and self-respect.

 

Nobody loves a doormat.

 

Sadly, when you cling to someone who's feelings have changed, YOU become the doormat and their feelings of respect and attraction for you diminish more and more.... imo anyway and this is why I always urge people to cut contact and MAN UP and walk from anyone who's being ambivalent or sending mixed signals. There's never a chance of reconciling without that spark of attraction.... nothing kills attraction more than being clingy and needy.

 

And yeah -- hilarious the OP would describe this as something WOMEN do while he's doing the very same thing himself!

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People are NOT attrtcted to martyrs or those who are overly-giving or self-sacrificing. They're NOT attracted by neediness or a willingness to put up with bad treatment from their partner. They're attracted to happiness, self-confidence and self-respect.

 

Nobody loves a doormat.

 

Bingo. Those who believe 'the more I do for you, the more you'll love me' end up being the ones who cry, 'after all I did for you, how could you walk away?'

 

You can't 'earn' love, it's either there, or it isn't. You can pull your weight, you can negotiate favors, you can respect yourself and demo respect for the other--but when you go on a one-sided rampage to 'please,' it's like trying to win what a part of you knows is not there, and all respect for you goes out the window.

 

Nobody can love someone they don't respect.

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I have to admit that this is so true. I know many women who are like this and to be completely honest I am exactly the same way. I somehow find myself attracted to bad boys and friend zoning the good ones. It's a terrible habit.

 

But to be honest I think a lot of it stems back from childhood. Maybe daddy issues. And the other is that most woman are attracted to the bad boy just as a guy would be attracted by the beautiful lol. They're exciting and mysterious. We like that in the beginning so we peruse it. But once we have them we want to make them nice to us so we expect that because they say they love us they will change and be good JUST FOR US. But in reality that never happens. You can't change someone who is set in their ways. So often we end up getting treated like crap and as bad as it sounds. We get so used to it that it becomes normal almost. When it's really not normal. I've dated every bad boy there could possibly be except one. The one was a really sweet caring guy. Did so much for me and truly loved me. But I ended up breaking their heart because I wanted that adventure. Bad mistake but at the same time I felt I was drifting apart from him anyway. But that is the honest truth.

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