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Mom's bf is threatening her


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Backstory: My mom lives 2 hours away with her abusive boyfriend. They have been together for 12 years. During the first few years they were together, they would start arguing really bad and he would beat her sometimes. She used to call me and tell me he was going crazy and I'd want to do something and she asked me not to, any every time he put bruises on her body or broken one of her bones, I'd beg her to press charges against him, and she would always chicken out. I hated him. He's an alcoholic, a pill head, and just a loser.


In more recent years, he stopped being physically violent against her because he started to become physically disabled with bad knees. Then he got cancer and became really unable to do much, but he still talked down to her like she was worthless.


Well a little bit ago, she called me and told me that last night he was drinking whiskey, and according to her, that stuff makes him really mean and psychotic. She told me he was threatening her life, saying that he was going to kill her in her sleep. She started crying and told me that his daughter heard him threaten her and she told my mom that she could stay with her at her house, which is also out of town, if she wanted to.


So I'm at my home right now thinking of what I can do. Here's the thing, I'm a 29 year old female and I have lost my patience with this man. If I hear about him laying a hand on her again, I would find a way to get into town and want to kick his face in myself. Yes, I can be vengeful and I know it's probably not what you guys would suggest, but I am not afraid to going to jail if he hurts her again. I'm beyond caring about that. I'm not going to just stand by and do nothing like I did 10 years ago.


But in the meantime, can anything be done against him just for him threatening her, or does there need to be psychically evidence of something happening?


Even his own daughter, who is 27, is staying there right now and she knows what a nut job her own dad is, and is willing to help keep my mom safe since I can't be there right now.


I need some thoughts and support right now. I'm not sure what to do, but I know if I become any more mad than I am right now, I will blow up and it won't be pretty.

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While I can understand the impulse to kick this guy's face in, stand back a moment. Your mother is choosing to stay in this relationship, and has done so for twelve years; often people in these situations are so ground down by their partners that they don't have the confidence to leave. Now she has the opportunity to get away from him - and let's hope she takes it. It would also be good for her to attend Alanon meetings, if she would be prepared to do so, but that, again, is her choice.


As regards the guy himself; you would need to check with your local police as to where the law stands on this one. It could be that there are enough witnesses, other than your mother, who would have enough evidence of assault. Often the police are reluctant to prosecute domestic violence cases because of the high incidence of women who feel unable to proceed with the case; actually being interviewed as an abuse victim is a very unpleasant experience, no matter how sensitive the officer is.


Keep calm, make sure you don't get in trouble yourself - for your mum's sake, not just your own!



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OP: You yourself would do well to attend Alanon meetings. If she's been taking his abuse for 12 years then I can't see how you could come out of this emotionally unscathed. Your mother does you no favours by telling you what he does to her while she keeps him in her life. In fact I consider it parental abuse against you.


She's in codependent dysfunction at it's finest and you'd do better to try and talk your mother into getting the help she needs to get away from her abuser and never go back then to try and hammer "good guy" into this abusive alcoholic.


You will do no one, particularly your own self any good by getting charged with assault. Work on your mother and forget about him. Your mother needs to make some huge changes in her life so find some internet sites for abused women in your area and link her up to them. She needs professional support before she'll ever get the strength to leave him for good.


Call the police on him next time she calls you to tell you he's beat her up again. Let her know you're doing it. Maintain good personal boundaries that you won't let her cross. Be firm in solidifying that she needs the help within to get out of this addiction she has for him and the way he treats her.


Here's a link that will help you to learn how to maintain good personal boundaries and not feel guilt for doing so. You shouldn't have to bear this so solidify your personal boundaries: link removed


... and look after your inner child.



link removed


I wish you all the strength to heal yourselves.

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You won't be able to help your mom if you go to jail. I do understand your anger though . I would definitely feel the same anger. Keep encouraging her to seek out help from domestic abuse hotlines,women shelters and other agencies. See if you can get her to come and live with you. But don't lower yourself to his level.


Yes ,next time he beats her up call the police yourself and just keep calling.

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Your Mom can't expect you or anyone else to resolve what she, herself, won't resolve.


When she dumps this stuff on you, she feels better, you feel worse, and nothing changes.


I told my Mom long ago, "I love you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to help you leave if you ever want to--but I can't manage his behavior, or yours. Let's agree on a code word you can use if you ever need me to come get you, and lets agree that if you ever want to work out a plan to to leave him I'll do anything you want. But short of that, I don't want to keep having these conversations that relieve you of just enough stress to go back to him while I'm left feeling awful and stressed with no way out."


By listening to this stuff, I became Mom's enabler--her pressure valve. She'd excite me, I'd badmouth him, she'd defend him and believe her own defense, and it lead nowhere.


I put a stop to that. She's been married to this man for over 30 years now, and we've enjoyed the last 25 without this dynamic. She got it--once ~I~ got it. This is her decision.

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