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Infatuated with a friend


lymphocyte

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I know this has probably been answered before, so I apologise.

 

I've become infatuated with a good friend. Throughout our friendship we've been having casual sex, which since realising my infatuation for him, I've stopped, as it was probably a major factor in my infatuation. Problem is, I'm still infatuated, and it is most horrible. I'm becoming depressed, not seeing the point in life.

 

I'll be moving away for university soon, so while I won't have face-to-face contact with him, I would still love to be able to talk to him. But I have to get over this infatuation; I don't want it to ruin our friendship.

 

Any advice to help get over this infatuation?

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Cut him out completely until you are over it. You were right to cut off the sex, because of course that would probably make it worse. Then the best thing for it is time.

Also, what about him is causing you to be infatuated? Why do you think you have clung to this idea of him so easily? Is it just infatuation or are these real feelings? You need to explore what is causing you to feel this way because usually infatuation is based on an idea, or illusion that isn't actually part of the person themselves.

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Is it okay if I occasionally talk to him, maybe once a fortnight, over the phone? I know it's not ideal, but I won't be seeing him face to face, and his is an opinion I highly value. It's probably something a lot of people say, but I don't want our friendship to be hurt by this.

 

I am taking a wild stab that it is infatuation based on a few things; I was very infatuated with another boy before him, and I've come to realise that this is very similar; I have been in a sexual relationship with him for the whole time I've known him and, in fact, he is the very person I gave my virginity to. I have only known him for about three months.

 

I think it may stem from the fact that he makes me feel incredibly good about myself. He makes me feel as though I'm NOT ugly, and I AM worth knowing. But when I'm not with him or talking to him, I'm depressed. I worry that he doesn't want to know me anymore, that he's found another girl to have sex with and doesn't want to bother with me anymore.

 

I think it's infatuation because I don't believe being in love should feel like that in the other person's absence.

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I think it may stem from the fact that he makes me feel incredibly good about myself. He makes me feel as though I'm NOT ugly, and I AM worth knowing. But when I'm not with him or talking to him, I'm depressed

 

You are basing your self worth, and value on another persons opinion. You need to work on feeling beautiful and worth knowing without the validation of others. The fact is, he only makes you feel this way for a limited amount of time, and then without him begins the come down.

This is not only dangerous to your own self esteem, but dangerous to who you choose to be in a relationship with. You didn't mention anything about him that you especially liked (apart from his opinion) and therefore to me, this says that anyone could come along and you would let them into your life and heart if they simply made you feel pretty.

This stops you from getting to know a person properly, and instead you will concentrate on them making you feel happy.

Cutting him off and working on yourself is the best way to deal with this infatuation. Talking to him once a fortnight is not going to achieve this. But that is up to you whether or not you want to go cold-turkey with this "addiction"

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I do understand what you mean, and I've thought of that before. I'll try and explain how I feel about it to you. I know I could be totally wrong, I really do, but I'll try.

 

In the sense of feeling good about myself and about who I am, and feeling beautiful, I feel that all the time, even when I'm not with him. For instance, I will now wear shorts in public, which I would never have done before. Not because I want to impress him, impress anyone, or anything like that, but because I feel comfortable in them because I KNOW I'm not ugly. And it took someone else to show me that for me to realise it. It's not entirely what he says that makes me feel that way, because many a time people have said I'm beautiful and I haven't taken much notice, but more what he does without realising it.

 

I'll try and give you an example (this may be tmi, so I apologise). The first time I was intimate with him, and he saw me naked, he wasn't bothered, or disgusted. He didn't go and tell me that I had the most smoking body he'd ever seen, but there was no disgust or distaste in him. And that made me realise that I'm not what I thought I was. I wasn't a horrid, ugly person, and people aren't going to cringe or vomit when they see me/ my naked body. My opinion of myself was totally wrong. And I am still realising that.

 

I don't get depressed at the thought of him not being able to make me feel pretty or good, and it's not really a thought that no one else will ever want me. It's the worry that HE doesn't want to talk to me or see me anymore.

 

This stops you from getting to know a person properly, and instead you will concentrate on them making you feel happy.

 

This, I can agree with. I can see that I have been doing that.

 

I mentioned his opinion because that's really the first thing that came to me, but now I think more into it, he is ridiculously attractive, and he has the most amazing smile ever. I'm not saying that it's not his opinion that draws me to him, but it's not entirely that. I'm really not entirely sure what it is that draws me to him, though I guess they are factors.

 

I mean, he DOES make me feel beautiful and good about myself, but that doesn't go away when he's not around. That stays. And I don't know if I'm making much sense, so I apologise if I'm not. And I'm not saying that I'm right in what I'm saying, either. I guess it's just how I feel, and I know my judgement is highly clouded.

 

If it comes down to it, I will go cold-turkey, and cut him off for a while, which I may have to do. But first I want to try and deal with it without having to do this. I just hope that I can be strong enough to do it.

 

 

 

I know it probably appears as I am being difficult, but I'm really not trying to be. I appreciate your help and you taking the time to reply so much. And I am reading and listening to what you have written.

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