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I will try to make this as short as possible but apologize if it is too long. I work with a guy have for almost 5 years. I have been divorced for one year separated for two. I havent been out on any dates. So I find out he is divorcing. His wife accused him of cheating which I still dont know is true. He apparently was talking to a girl he went to school with and says nothing happened they were just talking but anyway he says now he knows it was wrong. He didnt tell me this directly I heard it through a friend of ours. A few weeks into his divorce I told him if he ever wanted to talk I was here.


So the very next day he asks me to lunch. After the second lunch I had this really big vibe that he liked me and I felt attracted to him. Never was interested before as he was married. We started going out and he scared me a little talking about future plans of camping together going away together and made a side comment about what would I do the second time around and that it was a loaded question. So he gave me signs that he wanted a future with me. About six weeks into us dating and being intimate his ex wife starts trouble as she got into his e-mails and read them. She started to harass me by showing up at his house when I was there and just spying. He told me that if it was ever too much for me to let him know if I needed a break and he would understand.


I was trying to deal with it when his mother hade a massive heart attack in October and has been in the hospital since on a vent. So ever since she has been in the hospital he starts to say that he cant make me promises and he cant give me want I want or need. He stood me up once and then ignored my texts for a couple of days when I got mad and told him that I dont expect much as far as emotions but I do expect respect. I also sent an email telling him that I needed to know where I stood in his life as I see him starting to get out with his friends and go to KY a bit. I don't know how his ex is breaking into his emails but two days later I get an email from her telling me that he told her during the holidays that he stopped seeing me and he has been seeing that girl that he was talking to while he was married and is with her all of the time she spent the night a day after I did and every time he goes to KY he is with her. She also sen me screen shots of him saying that he is not seeing anyone exculsively and he is no longer married to her or anyone for that matter.


He never told me that he didn't want to see me just that he couldn't make promises. Am I stupid not to understand what that means? I showed him the e-mail. I have told him throughout that if he thought I was too much to let me know and I would back off. I have gotten upset a few times and told him I needed a little space because of the situation with the Ex and just emotions flying with me trying to be there for him with his mother. I guess I was stupid and didn't know what he meant by he couldnt make any promises or give me what I need because his actions to me spoke otherwise as he continued taking me out to lunch texting and calling me daily. After he stood me up it slowed down a bit. I have always been there for him to help him and pretty much dropped what I was doing for him and I don't know if he is taking me for granted or what I am so confused. I haven't spoken with him since a heated text about how I wish he would have been honest with me up front instead of stringing me along. He never denied or said anything but he wasn't going to argue because he didn't have the energy. He told my GF who he is friends with that he is not seeining anyone else and he cant have a relationship at all with his mom being sick.


I do get that but he never told me that. It is very uncomfortable at work as I cannot focus on anything but this. I get my job done and if I need to involve him in things I have no issues doing that I just feel like I don't owe him anything as far as starting a conversation up with him. I am confused as to what I am going to do if he starts persuing me again. I cannot sort things out with these mixed actions. Is he using me? Should I wait it out and when he is ready be there? I feel used and in my head I know it won't work but my heart is having trouble with it. Also when we were intimate which was only 4 times he had performance issues. I think that bothered him a littl and after the 4th time is when he started backing off with the making out and flirting. How could he take the chance and be with someone else knowing that he couldnt get it up for me? I am over analyzing and I need to stop this mind clutter. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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He has a lot of issues to get worked out. If he is that involved with his ill mother and says that he cannot be in a relationship, then, I wouldn't bother waiting on him. You could be in for a big letdown.


Life is too short. I'd recommend moving on with your life. It's good that you can have a professional relationship with him at work and that is all you need to be successful at your job. If you can distance yourself from contact other than work, you'll be much better off.


Is he using you? That's hard to say. You're in a better position to determine that. His 'performance' issue during intimacy could be stress related and his subsequent actions could be his embarrassment. Regardless, you don't need all the grief. If he starts pursuing you again, just be 'busy' and carry on with your life. After a while, he'll back off. If not, just let him know you are not interested.


It's not worth putting yourself through all this stress. Relieve your mind of all this by resolving to move on.

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