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Here's both sides of our ongoing argument. HELP!


EricaNicole

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I know this is long. I'm sorry. I really want people's input, though, because I love my boyfriend, and I can't stand what this fight's doing to us. I'm aware that this post seems very biased, so I did something that I've never seen anyone on this forum do. I told my boyfriend I was planning to post this and asked him to make an account on here so that he can tell his side of the story. I wish we didn't have to ask strangers to tell us what to do, but we're obviously struggling to work this out on our own, and I love him too much to let it come between us. This may make you roll your eyes at first, because to be honest this argument all started on Facebook, and we all know how respectable Facebook arguments are. Let me first say that my boyfriend is NOT usually like this. There is one other instance in our nearly three year relationship that he's done something like this (I'll get to that), but 99.9% of the time he's not like this. He's actually pretty wonderful. This argument keeps getting dropped and then brought back up, but it's not interfering with every second of our time together. It is a problem, though.

 

It all started with an acquaintance that I've known for several years and I commenting on a status I posted. We were sarcastically joking with each other and one other person. After a little while my boyfriend piped in and immediately began insulting the girl (we'll call her Laura). He said something along the lines of "You're sort of a bi*ch, don't you think?" in response to some comment she had posted. He also attacked something I had posted as well. In all honesty this girl is sort of y, but she really wasn't saying anything wrong or hurtful and his comment was out of no where and very uncalled for. As she defended herself to him, I tried to calmly explain to him that he was being unnecessarily rude. That made him turn on me. It ended with him saying "fu** you both" before I finally deleted the entire post. Knowing that I'm his girlfriend, him directing that last comment to me caused Laura to message me in concern that he might talk to me like that on a regular basis. I assured her that this was a very rare occurrence.

 

I say rare because there has been one and only one other time he's done something like this. That was about a year ago and was also on Facebook. That time he didn't say mean things to me in the process, but he did get into an argument with someone for no reason. That girl also ended up messaging me just like Laura to ensure that I wasn't in a verbally abusive relationship. It's not right that his behavior has caused not one but two people to worry enough to message me, but he doesn't seem to care about how wrong that is.

 

We fought pretty badly that night (it's been about two weeks). I was so upset with him first of all because he confronted me in such a public setting. I'm not above taking criticism if I don't realize I've been rude to someone, but I feel like if you're going to scold your partner over something, you should do it privately. That's embarrassing, and I don't think one person in a relationship should ever try to embarrass the other like that. I was also upset because both times he's done this with people, he says things that are so completely outrageous. They're so wrong and so out of line that it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to defend him. One of the major components of the fight for him is that I didn't defend him when Laura said negative things about him when she messaged me, but at the time I couldn't have been angrier with him. Later, I messaged her again and told her I should have defended her when she called him a rude name. As his girlfriend, I always want to be able to take his side, but he really makes it impossible. He says things that are so absurd that if I were to try to defend him, it wouldn't convince anyone. It would just make me look crazy, too. Eventually the fight calmed down, but it still keeps getting brought up.

 

The biggest thing that's keeping this fight going, though, is the fact that I haven't kicked her out of my life altogether over this. She lives a few hundred miles away, so my only interaction with her is on Facebook. If I comment on something she posts or vice-versa, he ALWAYS brings it up. He says that I'm making it seem like she did nothing wrong, but like I said, I confronted her later about it. I told her I should have defended him even when I was angry. Besides, he started the entire thing by calling a complete stranger a without provocation. If the situation was different and somebody had attacked him that viciously for no reason, then of course I'd reconsider if that person should be in my life. This girl really didn't start it, though. Like I said she's mostly an acquaintance, so it's not like she's a super important person in my life, but it's really not about that. I don't feel like it's my boyfriend's place to tell me EVEN ONCE who I can and can't talk to, especially if the reason he doesn't like them all started with his random angry outburst. That's borderline controlling. The only reason he can give me as to why he's trying to force me to do what he says is "I just don't like her". Me refusing to listen to him over this is starting to drive a wedge between us.

 

I was in a really controlling relationship once. As hard as I try to not let what happened in my past relationship affect anything in my current one (the one I truly want and expect to last), it's impossible to deny that this situation is almost identical to the controlling ways of my ex. If a friend or acquaintance of mine did the TINIEST thing to annoy my ex, I was expected to never speak to that person again. And if I didn't listen, it meant that I loved that person more than my ex. (Similar things have been said to me in this current fight). The fights with my ex got so bad that I always eventually gave in and, though I truly didn't want to and it made me feel horrible, I told people that I had to completely cut off communication with them. I'm stronger now, though, and when I got myself out of that relationship, I vowed to be my own person and to never allow anyone to force me into kicking people out of my life ever again. I just can't. If I do it even once, I lose that strength. I lose the respect for myself that I fought so hard to gain. I break my vow. I allow somebody besides me to make my decisions. He knows about my past relationship and how my ex did this exact thing to me, but he doesn't seem to care about that either.

 

And even if that wasn't the case, I just don't think it's right in general. This girl really didn't do much of anything to my boyfriend. She said one or two uncalled for comments, but he made way more. And he started the fight in the first place. She wouldn't have said anything rude to him had he not gave her reason to defend herself.

 

I know what this comes down to is that he thinks I must not care about his feelings, but I really, really do. I hate that I'm making him feel that way, even though I truly stand by why I'm doing it. I love him so much, but I also love myself, and I feel like if I start sacrificing my self-respect now, it will only hurt both of us in the long run. I really want the fighting to stop, but if I take the easy route and stop it by giving into his demands, I'll feel awful about myself. I've tried several times to put myself in his shoes, but the fact is that I would NEVER attack somebody unprovoked like that, and even if I did I wouldn't expect him to drop the person completely knowing that I started it.

 

I know it sounds immature to keep pointing out that he started it, but the fact that he did is so essential to why I'm fighting him. He wasn't provoked. If he was, maybe I'd feel differently.

 

With that being said, please read his post on here before replying. His username is Dakotap93. I want all the readers to know both sides of the story. I need to know if I'm being as selfish as this fight has made me feel. We need honest input. Since we'll both be posting, we will do our very best to not turn this thread into a ridiculous back and forth argument. That's not what this is for. Thanks for reading. And thanks so much in advanced to anyone who helps.

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Ill keep my response short and sweet. Hi im dakota. Im the boyfriend. I hope your all having a wonderful valentines day, and id like to thank you in advance for reading our post. Please excuse my shorthand spelling im typing on my cell phone.

 

Now as for this particular problem, while im prone to mood swings anyway, theres no real excuse for my unprovoked aggression. But id like to elaborate on why this started. First i did call her a bi*ch. But only because she was being a bi*ch. And my girlfriend was also involved in that in a public way, so i stated my mind publicly in the same way. She made herself look bad so i thought it a good idea to inform her. If she looked bad to me she most likely looked bad to other ppl right?

 

So after stating my opinion on both of them the other person involved "laura" responded to my initial comment. In which i was insulted probably in the same way i insulted her, only in more words. Fair enough, i gave her my opinion on what she said and told her she could find her way out of the conversation. Which in my language is a polite way of saying please f**k off and stop talking to me and my lovely girlfriend. Because she was making her look bad. Which afterwards i had to inform her that i was in a relationship with the original poster. Now here lies a problem with me. What kind of friend doesnt know that her friend has been in a relationship for 3 years. No breakups. Steady relationship. Some friend huh.

 

Back to the point. After that was said my girlfriend said something that i summed up to mean she has more of a right to be here than you. To which i responded out of frustration “fu*k both of yall.” Fact is im blunt. It doesnt excuse my behavior but its just a fact. Im imperfect just like anyone else. But thats not what the problem was. The problem comes from their private messages afterwards. In which i was called by laura a "d**kwad" on atleast 2 occasions. To no defense from my girlfriend. And also comments like "i so won that" i didnt know it was a competition. Very immature in my opinion. And i hate being talked about behind my back. I really dislike that especially since she got away with it.

 

And for her so called defense that she came back and said over a week later i wouldnt call defending. Her exact words were " i should have defended him when you called him a d**kwad" to which lauras response was "thats fair" what does that even mean? That is the most passive defense ive ever seen. And while maybe im too confrontational shes not enough. In fact shes only confrontational with me. Id argue to being the passive one in the relationship.

 

Since that discrepensy theyre more buddy buddy than ever! That bothers me. This girl is trashy and a b**ch and immature. And i dont want my girlfriend associating with that kind of person. It hurts my feelings that it appears she doesnt care that laura called me a d**kwad . She excused that by saying shes a b**ch . If i have to be responsible for my big mouth so should laura. And while laura isnt as involved in her life as i am, i was not the only one in the wrong, and while ive apologized for my wrong and paid for it, laura has found no punishment.

 

Is shunning laura as a punishment wrong? I dont think so, she most likely wont apologize so what else can you do?

 

Also i have always been understanding about her past relationships, but at the same time dont bring the baggage to this one. And dont compare ours to your past one. It hurts me that she thinks im like that.

 

I dont think she understands my thought process and how i turn it to action. And im hard to deal with sometimes, but i never ask for anything like this. Ever. Is it too much to ask? I would do it for her under any circumstance, wrong or right, if something bothered her id do anything to make it stop. Mostly i hate not feeling like we're on the same side.

 

Thats my piece, thank you for reading and i look forward to reading your opinions. And i love you very much erica and i appreciate you including me in this. Btw were not in a long distance relationship. All this facebook talk makes it seem that way lol

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After reading my boyfriend's response, I'd like to add that he's correct that I was not harsh enough when I later spoke to Laura about what she said. Being aggressive has always been hard for me, and since this was days later, I felt that it would be inappropriate to be super aggressive with her when this had long since been dropped. However, I should have defended him from the very beginning about it. It's no excuse, but I was so, so angry with him when she initially said it that it was hard for me to stand up for him. That's not how loving relationships work, though, so I should have opposed her words regardless.

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I don't think there's an excuse for posting in that kind of language on Facebook or anywhere and certainly "that's just how I am" is irrelevant -certainly not a justification. If that is how you choose to behave and react (rather than making a different choice or working with perhaps a counselor on anger management) then your girlfriend needs to decide right now if she's ok with those types of flare ups in the future.

 

I think it's simple - if you don't have something nice to say, be quiet, especially on social media.

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