Trust

[Mattiemae]

What is hard for me is when I was younger I suffered Depression. As I am quite older now, I have pretty much changed my whole entire belief system, have a positive attitude, and my life is slowly changing for the better, but still struggling with the fact that I had to leave my family and extended family because they are very strict authoriatarians. Really I figured out my depression was caused from all the dysfunction of multiple divorces with my parents, step parents, and emotional abuse that doesn't stop with my mother.

 

I made it out of all that dysfunction. Now they are unhappy with me because I did exactly that, changed, don't have the victim mentality, and called them out on their mind games and manipulated moves. Tough love where it turned abusive, and for two years straight gave me that for no reason. I became a perfectionist in every sense to be more successful than everyone of them emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and really while I am happy now, it really feels wonderful that I will never be depressed again.

 

The thing is you have to sacrifice those relationships even with your parents to be happy. They don't understand. Really that is the hardest part, relying on a spiritual family and knowing I've entered a higher love and there is nothing I can really do. They seek more perfection where perfection has already past the limit of positive change, and still caught in the past. It is a horrible thing that people have to be so right that they end up falling on their face in the end, because of their own stubborness.

 

I will soon be successful and really they won't be happy, because it's not their path in life. I love people unconditionally, but will not be a victim in life, nor allow anyone to abuse me just because they are biological. I was basically treated like an animal for the last few years because of their own issues. Tried my hardest to talk to them, and even talked about counseling. Really they just keep saying I'm taking the beaten brow. lol I am about at the same place as buddhist monk or nun, and meditate every day. If you bring up anything I'm supposedly playing the victim. lol

 

I walked away and haven't looked back for seven months! This is my life, and I have lived in enough of this bull crap since the day I was born. It was alot of hard work climbing out of all that dysfunction. Really don't trust them, because my mother was a mental health worker, and really was hard for me to grasp that I was depressed all those years because she used her job and projected it on me. I had to beat her at her own game and become stronger minded mentally and emotionally to see through her manipulation and control.

 

While I forgive her, I will have trust issues with her, because she thinks I'm being a rebel. Tha I'm being disobedient by not putting up with her emotional abuse anymore. My extended family went along with her, so of course they were surprised when I went to a priest and handed them a list of emotional abuse, which she couldn't refuse saying or admitting she was doing at the moment seven months ago. She's not interested in making things right. So I kept my mouth shut and left understanding perhaps I could never look back.

 

It's sad, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do!