I Think I Want to Leave, But I Love Him

[clueless11]

My husband and I have had a lot of problems. I'm going to try to quickly skim the important ones here.

 

-he has lied to be about something pretty insane and major (it's a lie he tells everyone) and he's lied to me about weird small stuff along in our relationship.

-In Septemberish last year we seperated for 1 1/2 months and it was awful. It was because he felt I wasn't totally emotionally committed to him.

-since he has come back he is VERY stressed from work, death of close friend and relative, stress from our relationship

-since he has come back, I've felt so insecure my trust issues have gone through the roof.

-his work took a turn for the even more stressful when he came back, so I almost never get to see him anymore.

-we have been doing two steps forward but then like, three huge steps back. We will be ok and then things will start to build and turn into bickering a little everyday or morph into a huge fight.

 

We had one of these huge fights last night. It started out so small and then turned into this monster of him believing I just need to instantly trust him, that I'm stressing him out too much, and I need to figure out by the end of this weekend if I can sort through my trust issues and trust him. He left for the weekend and he didn't leave on a good note ):

 

The problem is, I can't tell if I have a gut feeling that he isn't trustworthy or if it is insecurity talking. I used to trust him 100% that he'd never cheat on me (I worry more about emotional cheating) before our seperation. I mean, I KNEW he wouldn't cheat or go behind my back and now, I just totally freak out and panic and worry. This didn't used to happen and it's so frustrating.

 

So, in a sort of manipulative way, which I'm not proud of, I asked him to tell me if he had thought about sleeping with someone else when we were on our break. I mean, I really thought he'd say yes. He said no and then asked me. I guess I should have lied, but I'm too trustworthy and I said yes, I had thought about it in passing maybe once or twice. I would never have gone through with it. I knew I was just feeling spiteful, and that's disgusting and I could never hurt him like that. He got so mad. He said it felt as if I'd just gone ahead and done it.

But, the silver lining of this, I saw his reaction to me even considering sleeping with someone else. I believe if he got that mad, then maybe he hasn't been cheating or being untrustworthy.

 

I almost feel like I just want to get it over with and just end it. I've been suffering through this since September. I've been the rock in this relationship and it haven't yelled or screamed or anything the whole time. But I feel like he doesn't listen to me. I feel he argues to be right and then nothing ever gets solved between us. I feel like I may never get happy with him again and I'll be in this perpetual state of Insecurity and worry.

 

But when I actually get faced with the possibility of ending it, My resolve starts to fail. I love him to the end of the earth. That's why I've gone through everything and stayed by him. I can't tell if I'm not strong enough to just not end it, or if I really don't want to lose him.

 

So, in closing statements here. I also try to keep in mind that he did tell me around this time our relationship was going to become awful as we would almost never see each other and he would be a stress case. He has a huge test coming up and it's a major turning point in his career. Then, We will be becoming long distance for a few months very soon, so counseling is sort of out of the question temporarily.

 

I guess I'm hoping the stress will pass, I'll start feeling more secure, and then we can really begin to heal. I just feel like we never got onto not rocky ground since he came back from the separation.

 

Thank you guys. I've been having a really rough time with this and I appreciate the help.

[mhowe]

I think you should separate and you should get some counseling for your insecurity.

That way....you can calm down and get some.tools for being in a relationship.

He can have some.space to get work and his test acco.polished without coming home to you picking a fight to test him.

[clueless11]

Thanks for the quick reply. I was going to therapy, but the woman I had chosen almost made the insecurity worse. It was like she would almost encourage me to believe that maybe my husband was doing things behind my back. It was so weird.

I intend to try a new therapist.

[abitbroken]

So - if he has never cheated on you and you are trying to bait him to tell you that he is cheating and he has proven that he never has - are you trying to get him to leave you?? I agree that you should go to counseling. You are pushing him away and it is majorly stressful when someone is that insecure. No on can work with that.

[clueless11]

It wasn't a trap or anything. I wasn't going to get mad if he said yes. I just wanted him to be honest about it. And I believe he was.

Also, I would like to mention I did find dating sites on his web browser a little while back. He had excuses for them, who knows if they were true. I never post the negative parts about him, though. I always end up defending him to other people and come accross looking like the psychopath.

 

Abitbroken- I agree the insecurity has got to be obnoxious. The problem is, I've seen his untrustworthy behavior in the past and he really hasn't done anything constructive for our relationship since he came back

[abitbroken]

It wasn't a trap or anything. I wasn't going to get mad if he said yes. I just wanted him to be honest about it. And I believe he was.

Also, I would like to mention I did find dating sites on his web browser a little while back. He had excuses for them, who knows if they were true. I never post the negative parts about him, though. I always end up defending him to other people and come accross looking like the psychopath.

 

Abitbroken- I agree the insecurity has got to be obnoxious. The problem is, I've seen his untrustworthy behavior in the past and he really hasn't done anything constructive for our relationship since he came back

 

What constructive things are you wanting him to do? Have you told him what that is, or are you needing him to read minds. He has come back to you even though you are very insecure and even though you are stressing him out. That counts a little bit. If you are wanting him to do something specific, sit down, or go to counseling, and discuss what that is. But it is awful hard for someone to be open and loving when they have to walk on eggshells around the other person. Also, you talk about how 'untrustworthy" he is but don't mention exactly what he is. My ex thought I was "untrustworthy" because i said i would pick up something from the store and then didn't. He called me a liar. I didn't lie, i just forgot or thought some other product was better.

 

The other thing is - if you are finding that you have to defend him - could it be true that when you tell people what he is actually doing, you discover that people don't think you have grounds for insecurity based on what he did - and it is better for you to say "oh he did something MAJOR" and not say what it is, so you can hold on to the idea that your LEVEL of insecurity has justification with others imagining his act had to be really really bad.

 

When you mention dating sites - you are diverting the issue. You guys were separated. If he looked he looked. I looked when I was separated. I did not register. I did not message anyone. Heck, my ex and i looked once to laugh at some stuff people wrote when a friend of ours was asking for advice about what he should write on his. If the guys says he really never thougt seriously about dating someone else - you have to take him at that word.

 

You are the one here - not him. So i do think it is in your hands. Get a new counselor and actually talk to your husband about what these constructive things you want are. With a lot of guys, the fact that he came back and is in the home with you is a constructive step.

[abitbroken]

I am on your side - i am just trying to get you to think about how you can help change things rather than it be just about what he is not doing or doing.

[clueless11]

You're very right, Abitbroken.

No, I do not try and get him to read my mind. I learned with my last relationship how ineffective that is haha. I also looked on dating sites. I'm totally cool if he did, I just wish he wouldn't lie about it.

 

He lied to me about something that when I told three people, (mom and best friend and therapist) their mouths dropped open and all said something along the lines of "wow, he's kind of a little psycho, isn't he". I don't want to write it due to anonymity reasons. It wasn't small and he kept up the charade and dug a deeper hole with it for almost 10 months.

 

I think he may even have a little bit of compulsive lying. He told me he found my ex and beat him up. And even one of his friends was like, "oh is that another one of his tall tales?" I start telling people what he does day in and day out and they go, "um. Why are you still with him?"

My closest friend thinks he's an immature child who always gets his way and won't man up and take responsibility when he's wrong. And refuses to make me feel loved for no good reason.

 

I'm the one who has been walking on eggshells the past 3 months because I don't want to make him angry and threaten me with divorce if he's not getting his way. He holds the "I'm stressed" card over my head and tells me to "put up and shut up".

 

Wow. That felt kind of good to get of my chest.

[clueless11]

Thanks Abitbroken. I know you're trying to help I greatly appreciate it.

I'm very open to how I can be the one who fixes things, but after a while it gets draining and I need a reality check!

[mhowe]

What are YOU doing to help fix things?

[clueless11]

I've been reading relationship books and taking notes. Trying to stay busy, get with girlfriends so I'm not focused on him. Started running again, trying to find the happiness within me to stay strong. Praying and talking to trusted advisors. I calmly explain to him when I'm upset about something or feeling down. I've been trying to take a lot of things in stride and basically put up with everything he's been dishing out.

I do super nice things for him around the house and try to be as understanding as possible.

[abitbroken]

I think your therapist was out of line to call him "psycho" for lying about one particular thing. A good therapist would simply just listen without judgement, ask how it made YOU feel and offer some perspective to it. Also, it does not serve a relationship to "make the rounds" - tell mom, tell best friend, etc, about stuff he did. Unless "he bought me candy for V-Day, etc" It divides a relationship and you will regret building up a dossier in their minds because they will not be supportive of your relationship when it is going good. It is up to you to talk to HIM about these things.

 

Also, you never told us what he is doing that is "not constructive". He lied about something but that was apparently awhile ago. And he says the same thing about it to everyone. What is he NOT doing right now that you are saying is not constructive.

 

You are saying you are putting up with what he is dishing out - what he is dishing out - is that he is at the end of his rope with your insecurity and distrust. He is stresssed about work too. That is what he is "dishing" and you have to leave out the lie he told in the past that he is consistent with everyone about and not pin it on him all the time if you want some progress. If he has not a second to himself because work is stressful, pick up his dry cleaning for him. Don't question him 40 times about exactly every person at the lunch meeting was because you don't trust him, etc, etc,

 

Also "doing nice things for him around the house" doesn't make up for insecurity. And read "The Five Love Languages" - if you are doing all these little things around the house and his love language is not "Acts of Service" he is not absorbing it as "awww.. she loves me..she is doing something nice for me". He simply registers it as "ok, that's done, i don't have to clean the counter". Doing "nice things" = anyone can do. It is working on your insecurity, and not pollinating around about him and not going to so many "advisors". WHen you tell your story to so many, you never actually work on anything. Having a counselor or psychologist plus someone faith based or medical is enough. Not mom, sister, best friend, psychic, workshop faciliator on top of that. Instead - work on your marriage. Have date nights. Be comfortable with him going out with the "guys" once in awhile, etc

 

But it seems like you need to focus on being comfortable in your own skin to make this marriage work rather than "how do i deal with how he is acting" because he is actually reacting to you

[Ms Darcy]

Getting angry/upset at the thought of you seeing someone else doesn't really prove he didn't do it. I personally think that he has ...

And when you add to it his compulsive lying, you would likely not know it.