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Loss of girlfriend woes on V day.


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Hey all, I appreciate you get a lot of these and just reading through other peoples posts I know I'm not the only one, but valentine's day is here and I need to let loose lol.. I'm not sure what my purpose is with this I just needed to post it to get it out of my system I guess so here goes, apologies for depressing people on Valentines.

 

My girlfriend split up with me over a year ago now and I still can't move on with my life. We were together for nearly 6 years but for the last 2 it was long-distance. She was my first "real" relationship. I still loved her but I think I knew deep down that it wasn't going to last if I couldn't be closer to her, but life always seemed to get in the way ( I got accepted on a masters course and she got a graduate job miles away). I finished my masters in June 2012 and I was trying to figure out a way to be with her when she split up with me last January. She said she just didn't love me anymore "in that way", that I was her best friend but she wanted me to be free to seek out someone who would love me like I loved her.... That I was a great guy etc etc...

 

Since then though I haven't moved on. I think about her every day still and, despite finally doing no contact last May, I still want to see her and wake up feeling lost and helpless. I don't want to sleep now as I just think too much. Instead of being productive I've thrown myself into distractions and escapism, playing games and watching series of tv... I had just got what I thought would be a temporary job at a call-centre job before she split up with me and that ended up lasting a year. I quit this job to try and force myself into action and get on to finding out what I truly want to do but now that seems to have backfired as I just can't face anything anymore... I've still not figured out what I want to do in life career-wise and every failure just reinforces how pathetic I feel, knowing she's in an awesome job whilst I'm back living with my parents (yep.). I've basically wasted over a year of my life (technically more as the relationship ended...) on moping about the loss of this girl, and i'm no closer to being over it. It's affecting my search for a career, my prospects, my health.

 

I've never contemplated suicide, and I will never do this no matter how terrible I feel, but my life at the moment is no longer worth living a lot of the time.. I get hardly get any joy from it, I live for literally no purpose other than to not destroy my parents and siblings. If I could trade my life for someone elses who had died, or for someone with a terminal illness right now I believe I would, because they at least wouldn't go through the motions of living like I do and would truly live life.. I've been prescribed antidepressants but didn't take them due to the massive list of potential side-effects of Citalopram, I just didn't dare and what social life I have left revolves around going out drinking on the odd occasion on a Saturday and this would interrupt that. I've been to counselling too and that helped but usually only for a day or two after each session and keeping that up for a long period is financially impossible for me.

 

Sometimes even now I just want to contact her and talk to her, but I've placed such a mental block on this that I find I automatically shut down this thought as soon as I think it. She started dating someone in November so that's another reason now that I don't dare initiate a conversation as I'll just end up hurting more. I think I must have trained myself so well that it will hurt to talk to her that I've tried to dull it out of my mind. As soon as I think this I automatically look for a distraction and pursue it for an hour or so. Needless to say I'm not being very productive at the moment! I do want to talk to her again but I do so for completely selfish and self-destructive reasons. I try and convince myself that it's to finally close the book on the relationship for good and to try and stop me thinking about her, but one minute I just want to rage at her, to demonstrate what my life has become now that she's out of it and blame her for it (pitiful I know), and the next I want to say thanks for all the good times, that I'll always love her but if she didn't think I was good enough for her then I wish her well and all the happiness in the world. I did the latter in an email when I was having a calm moment. But she's got a well-paid graduate job, has travelled to 8-9 countries this last year alone, and has a new relationship whereas I'm in the same position, if not a worse one, than when she left me. I keep thinking why, when she has caused all this turmoil in my life, is she having the time of her life, is able to go on so many holidays and mini breaks, while I'm stuck back with my parents in a small town in the middle of nowhere, with no career, not much cash and a social-life that depends on £25 taxi fares back from the nearest city...

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I think that talking to her would be a very bad idea.

If she asks how you are and you tell her the truth, she is going to feel sorry for you...but it won't change anything. And if you lie and say everything is great...you will end up feeling bad as well.

 

Why not re-engage in living your life and becoming independent??

 

BTW....she didn't cause the turmoil. She broke up with you after the last 2 YEARS of log distance. And got on with her life. You are the one moping around and doing nothing.

That you is all on you

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I know it can feel very empty . However looping about it allday isnt gonna help anything.

 

Work out and work on yourself. Go ser friends spend more time with family.

 

You can see your being a bachelor as a curse or a blessing. A blessing that you can do whatever you want and not having to discuss it with anyone. You could decide to gonlivr in another country in the eu.

 

The world is yours . If you want it to be.

 

Ik hurting too and i know it can be hard. But being useleas and just throw away those days and years on someone who is doing great without you.... Thats not worth it.

 

Set out to be happy again.. And tou will shiney again.

 

And if you ever see her again she will see andregret the guy she left who is doing awesome and looks awesome.

 

Going around in self pitty is the worst you can do for yourself and for the people whoDO really love you.

 

My advice :

 

Start working out everyday . Its the best medicine against feeling blue.

 

Drinking and drugs are not adviseable in uour current mental State

 

You can do it man, just need to find the inner motivatiom

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I suffer from depression. And I can tell you that the two greatest things I have done for myself is seeing a therapist, and working out. I joined a Muay Thai gym two months ago and recently started doing Tai Children as well. Get up and physically do something. As far as her causing the turmoil, that's false. Its all on how you react to it. Take control of your own life, you can't let other people affect how you proceed. Become a strong individual.

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I joined a Muay Thai gym two months ago and recently started doing Tai Children as well. l.

 

cant resist this remark, your doing tai children? dude, not cool. lol

 

sorry thought i would liten the load here just a tiny bit

 

 

keep your head up and it will get better, if you work at it. if you gonna keep sitting behind the tv dont expect anything to get better

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I exercise 7 days a week, see my therapist once a week. Go to the steam room a few days a week. This is the current medicine that I'm taking during the healing process. So far I am 33 days NC.

 

I do feel a little bit better, still hurt, but yes there is progress.

 

Other things I do include reading about healing after breakup, hanging out here with you guys, family, friends, and last but not least, playing butt loads of video games, definitely keep my mind addicted to some of the quests.

 

Maybe you can try some of these that I do?

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First, I know how it feels to love someone so much that life doesn't feel worth living without them. I can feel your pain and empathize with you.

 

Second, please stop believing that she thought you weren't good enough for her. So many men think that when women break up with them. It's really destructive. I have been in relationships with many awesome, wonderful men, whom I simply stopped having feelings for. They hadn't changed one iota, they were still awesome guys, but the feelings were gone, or the relationship had run its course, or we'd grown apart, or whatever.

 

Third, definitely don't contact her. Absolutely nothing good will come of it. She has moved on, she stopped feeling "in love" before she broke up with you, and that should be your closure. She won't think much of you if you are still moping over her, and your self-esteem will suffer even more.

 

Fourth, no human being should depend on someone else to feel good and complete within themselves. A period of grieving is normal, but you need to take some drastic action to pull yourself out of this mindset.

 

If you are open-minded and willing to take action instead of whining and pining, you might start by watching "The Secret". You would learn that your thoughts basically create your reality, and right now your thoughts are creating a living hell for yourself. Every miserable thought you think is sinking you into a deeper pit of despair and creating a pretty bleak world around you. Your life can rapidly change for the better if you can set yourself on the right track. Good luck.

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THanks everyone, all great advice. I'll definitely start working out more, and I am trying to get a career I'll enjoy/earn lots in haha. I think Valentines day just brought out the worst in me again to be honest. I have been feeling better recently, actually finding out she had moved on with someone else helped a lot as it woke me up to reality.

 

Second, please stop believing that she thought you weren't good enough for her. So many men think that when women break up with them. It's really destructive. I have been in relationships with many awesome, wonderful men, whom I simply stopped having feelings for. They hadn't changed one iota, they were still awesome guys, but the feelings were gone, or the relationship had run its course, or we'd grown apart, or whatever.

 

That helped especially, she said after the break up that nothing I had done had changed but she had just lost that feeling. I sometimes forget and blame myself. Thanks for reminding me of that. I know moping is being stupid and I can only cure my situation myself, and I have fallen into self-pity on occasion, but sadly that's the way depression works. It's hard to get out of that mindset when you're sucked into it. Still, thanks everyone and I'll keep trying at it. Thanks for getting me through Valentines day!

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Can someone please explain to me how feelings can change without a reason. I mean suppose there is this great relationship between two people who get along great, have similar interests and hardly ever fight. Suppose they both feel attracted to eachother and think the same about the big things in life. Suppose there is no particular reason for feelings to change. Then how on earth and why do feelings change?? I mean I know that infatuation will go away in every RS, and that from then on you decide if you can live with the other person as he /she really is, with both good and bad traits, or if you can't or there are a lot of fights or he/she cheated on you or whatever. But suppose there is no real reason. How can that happen?

 

I'm really losing my trust in people and RS in general, if someone who loves you so much today and can just lose feelings tomorrow easy as that.

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This is a question I always asked myself, because to me she never changed her attitude - even when we'd split up. She still acted the same way towards me jsut without the usual intimacy of sex etc. It's the reason I had to go no contact, she wanted a friend still but it was pulling me apart. She always said I was her best friend and the only person who truly understood her, but in the end I didn't and now I can't talk to her. I guess we just have to NOT think about this stuff to keep sane. I think I'll always love her, but luckily I don't have to see her everyday and that, hopefully, will let me move on...

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This is a question I always asked myself, because to me she never changed her attitude - even when we'd split up. She still acted the same way towards me jsut without the usual intimacy of sex etc. It's the reason I had to go no contact, she wanted a friend still but it was pulling me apart. She always said I was her best friend and the only person who truly understood her, but in the end I didn't and now I can't talk to her. I guess we just have to NOT think about this stuff to keep sane. I think I'll always love her, but luckily I don't have to see her everyday and that, hopefully, will let me move on...

 

I second your point.. I think I will always love her, she'll always be in my heart. And the only way to move on is a LOT of time and NOT seeing or talking to her. As if she dissapeared from earth. And it is such a great loss but I just can't handle being 'just a friend' when I still want to be so much more.

 

I had relationships before but there were always reasons for the BU: cheating, lying, fighting a lot, not sharing similar views on life. Those were a lot easier to get over with !

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I second your point.. I think I will always love her, she'll always be in my heart. And the only way to move on is a LOT of time and NOT seeing or talking to her. As if she dissapeared from earth. And it is such a great loss but I just can't handle being 'just a friend' when I still want to be so much more.

 

I had relationships before but there were always reasons for the BU: cheating, lying, fighting a lot, not sharing similar views on life. Those were a lot easier to get over with !

 

Amen to that! Hah... Yeah it sucks, it will take time - it's taken longer than I ever thought it would in my case but as others have mentioned I haven't helped myself move on. I just need to bite the bullet and force myself to be productive everyday. I just wish i'd already had a career when she left me so I could have thrown myself into that, instead of just wallowing in a low-paid job for basically no purpose.

 

My purpose now is to find that career and be happy in myself - as others have mentioned as well I should work out more, be more productive etc. I already distract myself too much with video games/tv, but that's all just temporary and as soon as I stop I'm in the same situation. I need to change the situation I'm in, which is easier said than done, but it's bound to happen eventually.

 

Keep your chin up Lucha, we'll get through this! See! Being positive already haha...

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I think you should read the quote below ...

 

 

 

Remember she left you lucha and then returned. To me, she started checking out when she first left ... it wasn't true at all that there was no reason. She didn't see a future with you. That was the reason.

 

I get what you're saying, but I think that is more of a consequence due to losing feelings rather than the other way around..

 

I am feeling like utter sh*t today. It feels like I am not living but merely existing. I hate it so much. Life was so sweet with her by my side and now all I really wanna do is fall asleep and never wake up.

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Lucha, I just think you are idealizing a relationship that was only a few months and that she kept trying to leave because you have no love for yourself in your love tank.

 

True that..

 

It's just that, I know what a great gf she CAN be when she is really into somebody, and it hurts to think that I'll never be that person again.

 

Also it has left me with some giant trust issues. How can I avoid experiencing this a second time? You say love yourself but I have always been hard on myself, it's not that easy. And I don't know how to imply that in a relationship at all. I thought I'd be the easygoing gf who goes along most of the time with everything she wants to do to keep her happy.. Turned out to backfire on me. It hurts knowing that if I protected my boundaries a little more she would maybe still have feelings for me..

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True that..

 

It's just that, I know what a great gf she CAN be when she is really into somebody, and it hurts to think that I'll never be that person again.

 

Also it has left me with some giant trust issues. How can I avoid experiencing this a second time? You say love yourself but I have always been hard on myself, it's not that easy. And I don't know how to imply that in a relationship at all. I thought I'd be the easygoing gf who goes along most of the time with everything she wants to do to keep her happy.. Turned out to backfire on me.

 

I can really relate -- my ex was an AMAZING boyfriend. Really -- the closest and most trusting and most fun emotional/creative/friendship connection I've ever had with another human being, it was that special to me. Until he suddenly "lost feelings" the moment he met someone else and dumped me for her. I'm sure he was (or still is, who knows) an amazing boyfriend for her, too. While it lasts. It's taken me a while to figure out how my ex made it to 48 years old and never married, no kids... sometimes, it really IS all about them.

 

I also understand the "love yourself" line of thought can be hard. Self love for many people is a lifetime journey. You can't always just pull it out of your pocket to get you through a crisis. I believe in "fake it until you make it" school of thought... even if you don't really FEEL all the love for yourself, you can still take the same actions as if you did. This is why I'm always saying: focus on YOU and doing things to help yourself feel better.... work out... spend time with people who love and support you.... indulge in your favorite nurturing activities... and really importantly, finding OTHER ways to feed your soul.

 

That's really important. We love to be in love because of the chemical rush. We get addicted to the chemicals we've come to associate with our exes. But there are things you can do to recreate those chemicals. Exercise, number one. Two, dark chocolate (yum). Three: find activities that feed your soul. Things you love to do -- that challenge you and give you a sense of fulfillment. Accomplishment = self-esteem. Self-esteem is another piece in the puzzle of attaining self-love.

 

Anyhow, these are just my rambling thoughts. I know this is a rough weekend for you, with lots of memories and emotions and your birthday coming to boot. Please know you've got an online community here rooting for you.

 

 

It hurts knowing that if I protected my boundaries a little more she would maybe still have feelings for me..

 

^ And btw, this is pure bunk. Try not to torture yourself with these kinds of thoughts.

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True that..

 

It's just that, I know what a great gf she CAN be when she is really into somebody, and it hurts to think that I'll never be that person again.

 

Also it has left me with some giant trust issues. How can I avoid experiencing this a second time? You say love yourself but I have always been hard on myself, it's not that easy. And I don't know how to imply that in a relationship at all. I thought I'd be the easygoing gf who goes along most of the time with everything she wants to do to keep her happy.. Turned out to backfire on me. It hurts knowing that if I protected my boundaries a little more she would maybe still have feelings for me..

 

Your giant issues were there before. And you cannot avoid experiencing the loss or a relationship a second time. Most people go through at least three or four break ups in their lifetime before finding their life partner.

 

Loving yourself is not "a line" for me. Many years ago when my first bf ended it, it was very painful. I realized how I had isolated myself emotionally and had to reach out to develop true, honest, love-filled friendships. I was single for another year, proactively doing things to make me feel loved and happy.

 

Although I have grown up in the US, my family is from a more communal culture where people grow up as part of a community. The whole notion of "romantic" love is a little foreign. Love is love. It's the same term and to a certain extent, it says a lot about some of the failings of western culture. We seem to channel all of our energy into romantic partners and don't see, feel, cultivate love all around us. Open, genuine love of and closeness to friends, family, co-workers, strangers, etc.

 

It's almost a buddhist philosophy or a reglious philosophy ... learning the art of loving oneself unconditionally and loving all others unconditionally.

 

Many of the women in my family never married or were divorced for many years. And they were very happy despite their so-called poverty because they had children and a community that had incredible respect for them. I personally grew up with that mindset ... you don't need a "man" but you do need a community of love ... and it has made a great impact on my ability to recover from heartbreak without feeling any less as a human being.

 

You don't have to do this alone. I spoke with my mom for about 13 hours on the phone after one breakup. I cried in the arms of a friend. I went on travel adventures with another friend. I got counseling (omg I love counseling). I got into a support group. And I devoured books that gave me practical and disciplined ways to practice specific improvements. There are soo many great resources and they are all available to you.

 

I can't recall exactly, but I believe you had some troubled family relationships. One thing my therapist says is if you don't find a way to resolve those issues, they will find a way to play themselves out in your romantic relationships whether you know it or not. So, I would also suggest that you work on that as well.

 

I certainly hope it doesn't take your whole life to figure out how to love yourself. That would really suck. Most folks who come back here healed from a break up inevitably talk about the journey towards self love, emotional and physical independence, (re)connecting with others, and often plugging into their passions as their means for healing. But it's after a 6-24 month sabbatical where they take relationships out of the equation and focus on loving themselves.

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