Need Advice

[tallblonde725]

Hi,

My issue is regarding my husband and I. Long story short, we got married 12 years ago and have separated twice in the past, once for 3 years. First time because he cheated on me and second time because he was starting to abuse alcohol.

 

We reunited after the first separation because he convinced me that he never stopped loving me and vowed to make it up to me, which he did until he was having a lot of stress at work and started drinking to deal with it. When it started to affect the kids, I kicked him out, but we stayed together for a year without living together. We really got along with this type of living arrangement. We want to buy a house and moved back in together so that we can save up for the down payment.

 

One of our ongoing issues is my step son. I have raised him since he was a year old and he has no contact with his birth mom. I feel my husband doesn't support me when I disapline him. He goes behind my back and calls me irrational and my step son doesn't have to listen or he bails him out when he screws up.

 

I broke my foot a while ago and still in a cast after 13 weeks, so I am very reliant on my husband for housework and getting out of the house.

 

This past weekend my husband did volunteer work on Saturday morning and right after decided to call his buddy up to jam (they play guitar) and shot me a text saying what he was doing and do I want to come. I told him that I was hoping he could take me shopping because it's our sons birthday and I needed to get his gifts, but I told him don't worry about it, I would go out on my own, even though it's very difficult on crutches. I decided that we could meet him for lunch and I called and asked if they have food available and that's when he said I couldn't bring our child. I asked how I'd be able to come if I had the little one and he said he didn't think about that when he asked. Well I was upset on the phone so he decided not to come home at all that day and didn't roll in until the next day at 11 am. No phone call, text, nothing.

 

I have never stopped him from spending time with his friends and will often defer my plans if he decided he wants something different. I told him that I want him gone because I feel he doesn't consider my feelings and only cares for himself. He thinks I am being irrational, but maybe we should live separately again.

 

What should I do? So frustrated, but tired of having my heart hurt.

[mhowe]

I think k you need to learn how to resolve co flict without separating.

Try counseling!

You seem to be.putting out a match with a garden hose.

[sammi87]

Agree on one, single point with your husband- a jam session between buddies is not the place for a baby. That being said, honey...it is time for divorce # 3. Because below, I count EIGHT serious problems you guys would need to work through in counseling before you could even being to function as a healthy family unit:

 

He disrespects you by undermining you and makes it more difficult for you to raise your son.

 

He disrespects your household and your feelings by not even taking 6 seconds to text you that he's alright...but going to sleep over Al's.

 

He deal with conflict between you by avoiding you and staying out all night.

 

He doesn't even care enough about you to help you around the store when you're seriously injured.

 

He has a drinking problem that has effected your children negatively and could again in the future.

 

He has cheated on you (which makes it extra offensive that he would stay out all night).

 

He goes back on his word- treating you like this is FAAAAAAAAAAR from "making it up to you".

[abitbroken]

Firstly, I am sorry that you were having problems with cheating and alcohol. Did you ever go to Al-Anon meetings yourself or encourage him towards AA?

 

Also, there are a few things about the latest incident. The only problem really that you had with him extending his time out with his friends is that you wanted to go shopping. And because he did not do what you wanted him to do - you got upset on the phone and then he didn't want to come home to step into doo doo. And he tried to do right by asking you along and instead of appreciating that, you imploded. Would there have been such an issue if he had jammed for a couple of hours and then taken you shopping in the evening? Had you expressed earlier in the week that it was important for you to go shopping on saturday and saturday only or did you bring it up only when he was going to be on his way home, so he could dissappoint you?

 

I know emotions are high when you are confined. I was confined with an injury once and so was my ex. The best thing I have found was for the confined person to not rely 100% on the spouse for errands and company because when you do, one gets upset that the spouse isn't doing everything to the letter. Do you have a friend that you could have called up and had over for tea and asked if they would get stuff off the high shelf while they were there? Is there someone who would have been delighted to have taken you to an appointment or to shopping so when told your husband during the week that you really would like to go shopping for a gift together, you already got the party favors and snacks out of the way so the two of you could do the thing that was important to do together?

 

To me, I think that all the other stuff about the past drinking, etc, is sort of in the back of your mind so that when your husband wants to do something above the board - like CALLING you to tell you where he is going next and inviting you along - it is just not enough. And then there are passive aggressive comments to make him feel bad - ie - "oh, don't worry I WON'T go hobbling out on crutches!"

 

Really- maybe i am missing something - but the stores are usually open until 9 pm or so on Saturdays?

 

Sorry if I am not being sympathetic = I do think the undermining thing is a problem, but the incident of not rushing home - a spouse cannot be waiting on the other injured spouse 100% of the time. I am sorry if there are other things that make you feel he doesn't care but based on this one incident, I don't think he can win. I just think that there is other stuff under the surface that is making you feel like it is not

 

I agree that the undermining is a problem that needs to be addressed in counseling and if it does not change, then I agree with you about that.

[abitbroken]

He cheated - but they agreed to put it behind them. She therefore cannot use that as ammo. She gave him a clean slate. He did use alcohol instead. Which is not good - but is he getting help?? And he may have stayed somewhere else for the night - but it takes two to tango. The issue was not worth getting upset about. A Calm "hey, it is really important for me for us to pick out the gift together. Could you let me know a time when you are done jamming so we can do that? It would be great. Toys R Us closes at 9 I think. If possible, could you pick me up by XX?" would have sufficed. The big issues could be talked about later.

[sammi87]

 

The only problem really that you had with him extending his time out with his friends is that you wanted to go shopping. And because he did not do what you wanted him to do - you got upset on the phone and then he didn't want to come home to step into doo doo. And he tried to do right by asking you along and instead of appreciating that, you imploded.

 

I know emotions are high when you are confined. I was confined with an injury once and so was my ex. The best thing I have found was for the confined person to not rely 100% on the spouse for errands....

 

 

 

I just think that there is other stuff under the surface that is making you feel like it is not

 

I'm sorry...but I am just utterly perplexed by these portions of your post... I don't see anything in Op indicating tallblonde imploded...rather, I think her response was rather measured. She let him know there was a household task that needed to be done...but offered to try to do it herself.

 

Next- yes emotions are high when someone is confined/in pain. Don't you think her husband aught to have some understanding of this as well? Would it be so much to give his wife a little lee way during this time? And while it is good to ask for help from friend's sometimes...shouldn't DAD be willing to help shop for his kid's Birthday??

 

And while you give him credit for extending an invitation... I can't help but notice that he did so with no actual intent for her to come...or did he actually forget they had kids?

 

I do agree with you abit, that there are bigger issues underneath. But absolutely nothing excuses this man leaving his crippled wife at home with 2 kids all night without so much as a WORD to let her know he hasn't been killed in an accident.

[sammi87]

He cheated - but they agreed to put it behind them. She therefore cannot use that as ammo. She gave him a clean slate. He did use alcohol instead. Which is not good - but is he getting help??

 

These things of course, can be forgiven. But they cannot actually be forgotten because the best indicator of future behavior...is past behavior.

 

All of this- the cheating, the undermining her with the son, the staying out all night without letting her know are not little, isolated incidences. They indicate, imo, a clear pattern of disrespect.

[abitbroken]

If she was so upset on the phone and that caused him to not come home - that is imploding.

And i am not looking to excuse this man - but this is an ongoing cycle that the OP is contributing too. Sure he "should want to go shopping" or do this or that, but she is the one here. I was in her shoes and his shoes. I was bedridden for awhile and my ex was also at different times. And honestly, you need a breather. You cannot be on their beck and call at all times. You need occcasionally for a relative to go sit with them so you can have a breather or have a sister or brother or friend help them at an appointment once in awhile because you can't be everywhere at once if you work, etc. You also can't be so wound up to not respond to what the other person is actually saying on the other end of the phone. There were many underlining issues that made her get upset. Honestly, simply calmy arranging another time for later would have prevented a lot of grief.

 

I am trying to get accross the point that she has power to change this dyamic too. it is not all about what he does to her.

 

I think that the issues with the step son need to be addressed in counseling, of course, but I think really, the husband calling to say he will be a little longer really was not worth the fight.

 

If you want to change the dyamic, you have to change your part. The minute i wasn't keyed up to have a fight with my sister in law and actually was calm - it killed her, she didn't know what to do! That is when things changed. When i set my boundaries and didn't lash out at her not because of what she said, but because i was wound up already from all the other times -- the fighting stopped! she did not have an opponent anymore and we could actually talk and resolve things. If someone doesn't make a change - it will go on and on.

 

And i get what people saying - there are so many issues. But i am going off this one incident that the OP came here for.

 

The op really just wants to know if she is justified for divorce. based on him calling to say he will be late - No way. work it out. Based on the son issue - go to counseling and if it won't change - then divorce may be an option.

[sammi87]

It's not necessarily that she was "so upset"... I saw nothing in OP's post so harsh that a reasonable response would have been to dis-invite her...and stay out all night.

 

You are absolutely right that breaks are required. But these things should be set up ahead of time. Husband told her he would be home after volunteering...he knows she's on crutches...he can't be that shocked to find out that with 2 kids...there was family stuff that needed to be done that weekend. And as an adult and a parent, he is expected to think of that for himself. The appropriate thing for him to have done would have been to call and say "Hey babe, would it be cool if I stopped over Jerry's house for a few hrs? Can you handle the kids til then?"

 

My hubby and I have a great marriage (without even the kids or any of the issues OP has exp). And if I were waiting for him to come home because I was stuck with crutches and he called me at the last min to state he would now be hrs later... I would also be frustrated and let him know that I would have appreciated some notice.

 

And here these two have KIDS! Imo, when he bails on LW- he bails on them too. Not acceptable.

[tallblonde725]

A Bit broken. my husband got counselling after our 2nd split up, and no longer has an issue with alcohol.

 

We did agree to go shopping but he thought that he could take me shopping on Sunday instead, that it was no big deal. But I was on a time crunch and needed to go out Saturday.

 

And as far as he cheated... I have forgiven him for this and I have never told him he couldn't go out. I've never stood in his way, whenever he has wanted to go out.