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Is it common for abortions to split couples up?


kathy679

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Yes and yes.

An abortion underscores, especially for younger men and women, the reality that a child could have been born and makes them realize what a huge change might have occurred in their lives. And then there is the guilt. Both of these things make it easier to break up so as not to be constantly reminded of the abortion.

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Yes, sadly it does... It is a sad and sobering event that really crystallizes a lot of issues and brings them into focus. Frequently the men will bolt because it is sobering on lots of levels... makes them feel guilty, makes them realize that the relationship took a very serious turn (getting more serious with you than they planned), the potential for 18 months of child support and raising a child with someone when they weren't ready for that responsibility yet etc.

 

So it can be overwhelming. and the guilt and sadness puts a huge damper on the romance, so many people who are grieving and not yet fully bonded as a couple will break up because they can't handle the emotions and negativity. Even long married couples who lose a child or go thru a period of grieving can and do break up, and for newer and unmarried couples it can really be a blow they can't recover from.

 

Everyone grieves in their own way, but all have to go thru the stages of grief. Your best bet to prevent breakup is to keep your lines of communications open, and to let him know that you are going thru those stages and are confident you will eventually be OK and come thru on the other side of grief. It will be up to him to decide whether he wants to wait that out or not.

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It honestly really depends on the couple, whether the abortion was something both parties agreed on, the age of the couple, etc.

 

To say that it happens every time is a bit too simple, but there are definitely a lot of reasons why couples would struggle to recover from something like that. If the woman feels a lot of guilt afterwards over her decision, this might be something that she feels her partner is unable to understand. Similarly if the abortion was something the male partner was not in agreement with, he may feel betrayed and hurt over it.

 

Even if it was something both parties agreed upon, each person might deal with it differently and if the couple are younger, then they might not have the tools needed to get past it.

 

There is hope though, so again it isn't necessarily a relationship death sentence. I know at least two couples that have gone through an abortion and come out of it still in tact. It really just depends.

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Yes, because it's a stressful event no matter the circumstances. I would say it doesn't always, but what it does do is highlight how you as a couple deal with hard decisions and potential loss. That can either bring a couple closer together or it can push them apart in much the same way any similar type of event would. Deaths, loss of a job, disasters such as fire or floods, affairs and more are other high-stress events that can also end a relationship.

 

Your depression and your reactions as well as that of your boyfriend are very normal. Hopefully you both have or will be seeking some counseling to help since it sounds like you both could use some outside perspective or someone to talk to about what happened.

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I think it's common that couples split up because it's a serious and sobering event. I think it matters WHY an abortion happened though (Because neither were ready for a baby? Neither of you wanted it? Did the baby have an abnormal development and thus you opted for abortion? Why?) and what each person thinks about abortion. Abortion is a sad event for everyone but not everyone feels the same amount of guilt. some feel regret. Others don't. Some don't even feel guilt at all. So it's very individual.

 

My parents had an abortion (VERY late term, multiple babies in utero all healthy, but the pregnancy was in jeopardy and it was done to spare the others) and they are still together today and that was decades ago.

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I was just wondering if anybody else had had this problem.

 

My situation was that when i found out i was pregnant it didnt feel right. I had suspisions my boyfriend was cheating, but it was just an instinct with no real evidence. I had the abortion, which did upset him because he wanted me to keep the baby. I did try talking to him afterwards but he shut down because i pushed him away because i became depressed. He then ended it with me after a month with no explaination. His friend later told me that he had been cheating on me the whole time we were together (so my instincts were right) and made me promise not to tell him i know. which is hard because i have a lot churning on in my head which i want to vent at him. A break up was deffinatly on the cards. But from what everyone has said, a break up happens in even the most simple of relationships when an abortion happens.

 

Im struggling with the abortion, then finding out he slept with his ex when i had the abortion, then he ended it with no explaination. well he didnt end it, he said he didnt know what he wanted...so i guess i ended it.. and then all the cheating. I feel like telling him i know and how nasty he is, but i cant betray his friend who told me. I owe him that because he told me the truth.

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Was it really a relationship worth keeping? He cheated. Which was reason enough to end it. Did you discuss terminating the pregnancy? He said he wanted to keep the baby . He was the father of that baby so his feelings need to be considered too. And he is bound to have feelings about that . Sometimes people think that fathers have no feelings and no rights until the child is born . That is an incredibly sad thing . So it is not only an abortion that ended your relationship. From the very beginning with his cheating it was never really a relationship that was going to work out in the first place.

 

Does the facility where you had the abortion have counseling services? It might be good to hook up with them if they do. I am sorry you are struggling.

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No it was definatly not a relationship worth keeping. I did discuss terminating the pregnancy and he said he would support me what ever i decided. I guess that was just words. I did consider his feelings, we did talk about it before hand. I knew he did want to keep it, but he did say he would play a part in its life but wouldnt be able to be there like i needed him to be....now i know he ment he wanted to still shag around i guess and have limited responsiblity. Yes i have been to counselling there once and I am going back again in the next few days for my next session. I am hoping talking about it will help me. I am learning a big lesson in how to love myself right now, so i guess there is a silver lining.

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No it was definatly not a relationship worth keeping. I did discuss terminating the pregnancy and he said he would support me what ever i decided. I guess that was just words. I did consider his feelings, we did talk about it before hand. I knew he did want to keep it, but he did say he would play a part in its life but wouldnt be able to be there like i needed him to be....now i know he ment he wanted to still shag around i guess and have limited responsiblity. Yes i have been to counselling there once and I am going back again in the next few days for my next session. I am hoping talking about it will help me. I am learning a big lesson in how to love myself right now, so i guess there is a silver lining.

I'm glad you took the time to consider his feelings. About the abortion at least . The other things I wouldn't be so worried about his feelings about. It is more important to consider your own feelings. While I have never had an abortion I have had four miscarriages and one of them was a second trimester miscarriage. I'm sure the feelings are very similar. So yes it is important to have your feelings validated ,considered and comforted. I'm glad you are taking the time out to grieve get better and love yourself. Hugs.

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  • 4 weeks later...

My girlfriend had an abortion a couple months ago. Before that things were great between us. Immediately after she withdrew from me and gradually pushed me away. Now I'm at the point where she's completely shut me out.

 

I'm trying not to take it personally. I've had my weak moments where I've reached out to her only to be ignored. She loved me so much before the procedure so its hard to believe she wants nothing to do with me now. But there's nothing I can do at this point except hope that she's ok. Very painful, confusing...just frustrating.

 

It appears to be quite common, but then again there are relationships that remain strong through abortions. What I hate most is the doubt...is she doing this because she can't bare to look at me or has she been deceiving me and cheating while making me believe she was depressed? Guess I'll never know.

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She may not have liked herself much for having the abortion? I know i hated myself for a while and my perspective became very warped.

 

also her hormones will be in over drive. Her body was preparing for a baby then the baby is gone. It was really hard for me to cope with that and i pushed my bloke away because i kept taking it out on him and i knew he didn't deserve that. I just had no control over my feelings and the way i was acting, so i pushed him away

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