Hurting :( ... Valentine's day, one year anniversary and my bday this weekend.

[Lucha]

Hi fellow ENA'ers.

 

Today is Valentines day and I find myself reminiscing about last year's valentine, when my ex sent me cute sweet messages and we were so much in love. Also, sunday would be the day we would be together for one year. One year ago we first kissed, had an amazing weekend and I had never been so happy. The day after was my bday, and I can honestly say it was without a doubt the best bday I ever had. Now, my bday is on monday and I will be 25. I have nothing special planned this weekend, it is rainy and cold and I really just want to go to bed and not wake up for another couple of months or so..

 

I feel really, really awful. Sad, hurt, chest pains (as if my heart has been ripped out ..), I feel so lonely. I miss her affection. The hugs, the kisses, everything. I miss every little thing about her. Even her flaws . It is hard not to think about how insanely happy I was last year, it was like every little piece of my life finally fell in place. Life was perfect. And now my life is terrible! I lost two of my pets a few months ago, my relationship, my flat/privacy (had to go live w/ parents again..), and now last week my grandmother. Life has been so hard on me lately. I mean, I do realize a lot of people may be having it worse, but also a lot of people are having it better!

 

I keep busy with working out (about three times a week), going for long walks, baking stuff, volunteering,... But really I am not happy at all. If I felt 100% happy with her now I am a poor 25%.

 

Sorry for the whining. Thanks for reading.

[Kam2014]

I really feel for you Lucha but you need to get out of your negative mindset. A RS should not define your happiness - it is only an extension of it. Were you happy before you met her?

 

There is nothing worng with missing her, crying, feeling the pain etc....that is natural. I know you have had a really tough few months and it does make things harder to cope with - there are so many emotions that you are feeling at the moment. But you need to start thinking positive

 

Have you thought about getting back to work? Or do you not feel strong enough for that? Maybe you should thinkg about enrolling into a positive thinking or mindfulness workshop - it helps to train your mind to have better thought processes and both are good for wellbeing?

[fifregister]

It's natural to feel sad around this time. But remember, it's only one day and it'll be over soon. You may also tie happier times with your ex but there were (and will be) happier times without her too. Just let these feelings come and go. In time it'll fade, I promise.

 

I hope the world will send you all the love and happiness you deserve today and in the future. Chin up.

[kodiakvance]

Hang in there man! It will be nice and warm outside soon!

[Lucha]

I really feel for you Lucha but you need to get out of your negative mindset. A RS should not define your happiness - it is only an extension of it. Were you happy before you met her?

 

There is nothing worng with missing her, crying, feeling the pain etc....that is natural. I know you have had a really tough few months and it does make things harder to cope with - there are so many emotions that you are feeling at the moment. But you need to start thinking positive

 

Have you thought about getting back to work? Or do you not feel strong enough for that? Maybe you should thinkg about enrolling into a positive thinking or mindfulness workshop - it helps to train your mind to have better thought processes and both are good for wellbeing?

 

I discussed starting a job with my mentor and my GP, but due to the severity of the responsibility I would have (peoples lives..) they both advised not to start too soon. It is a very demanding job/education also and they don't have faith that it 'll work out for me. As for other/temporary jobs: I am registered in three interim offices. Also I am doing volunteer work.

 

To be honest, I never was really happy with my life. I have been single till 23 and life was okay but with a lot of dissapointments on relationships. The feeling of happiness I had when I met her is a feeling I have never felt before, ever. I can be alone, and life is okay but nowhere near as awesome as having a significant other to share both good and bad times with. You know...

 

I do agree on the mindset. It is something I al struggling with every day. I have good days and bad days, it is a rollercoaster.

[Lucha]

It's natural to feel sad around this time. But remember, it's only one day and it'll be over soon. You may also tie happier times with your ex but there were (and will be) happier times without her too. Just let these feelings come and go. In time it'll fade, I promise.

 

I hope the world will send you all the love and happiness you deserve today and in the future. Chin up.

 

Thank you that is really sweet. I wish you all the same.

[Kam2014]

well it is good you are going all these things and no, I would not recommend getting back to work if you are not fully focused. Set yourself a goal for everyday - it will help to bring back some focus in your life. You say you have good and bad days - keep a journal (date and time) for when you have positive thoughts: what it is, what you were doing at the time, what it felt like, score 0-10 etc. Then when you feel negative/sad, look at the journal to remind yourself of a positive thought. Overtime you will enter more positive thoughts entries.

 

I have PM'd you the mindfulness techniques that were taught to me when I was studying. Try it. It is hard at first but over time it does work.

[jenbrooks]

Hey Lucha, whatever you are doing to keep yourself busy is good, keep it up. Understand that its not an overnight change, its like learning something new, you can't be excellent at something right away, it takes time as long as you continue doing your homework.

 

I have been doing the same thing as you are, exercise, video games, go to the steam room, read books, and the feelings of loneliness is there. I guess I am missing that somebody to spend the good times with. And right now the person that I can only think of is Jim, because I am used to being him.

 

That's why I asked about dating right away after breakup in another thread and looks like its not a good idea.

 

So right now, lets just be here for each other when the heart starts hurting, and work on finding strategies to healing, not only faster, but the right way, so that the ex will just be a memory that doesn't even hit a single cell of your heart. How does that sound for a goal?

[Lucha]

Thanks Kam that's a good idea. I did not receive your PM however..

[Kam2014]

you made a really important point. We get USED to someone being there....even if it is for a short period (6 months, 1 year etc)

[Allipie]

Hang in there! Youll be ok. Youve just had a rough patch and will bounce back! These things just take time.

[No1]

Lucha, why are you choosing to hang on to these feelings? You have a fear that if you let go, there is no chance for her to come back?

Lets say you are having the best day ever with your ex and you go water skiing and you fall and break your arm. Yes it hurt, but you had the best day ever.

What you are doing is taking the arm out of the cast and re-braking it just so you can re-live the best day you ever had. You are hurting yourself to bring those feelings back.

Your heart is broken, but yet you manage to want to re-live those great moments at the expense of your heart..and why are you doing this?

If you gotten rid of everything, pictures, texts, emails, anything that reminds you of her why is she still fresh in your mind? You going on her FB? You asking people about her?

When you decide to let go of her, the weight you decided on your own to carry will shed right off of you and youll be able to move on. You say you are keeping busy, but you are looking back to see if your X is chasing you. She is not coming back. Do what is right, let her go.

[Ms Darcy]

Lucha, why are you choosing to hang on to these feelings?

 

When you decide to let go of her, the weight you decided on your own to carry will shed right off of you and youll be able to move on. You say you are keeping busy, but you are looking back to see if your X is chasing you. She is not coming back. Do what is right, let her go.

 

Totally agree. Best of luck.

[Tinkie9901]

When everything is going wrong in your life you wish for the person who you were happiest with to be there again. And you get caught up in the pain and distress of focusing on the fact they aren't there. It gets almost paralyzing and almost overwhelms you. You need to consciously retrain yourself to believe you can get through this without them. I'm having a hard time at the moment and it's almost automatic to want the comfort of my ex. I have to remind myself that I have to find other sources of support, it's hard but you can do it. You can choose to let your ex go because while you associate her with comfort and happiness the truth is she is really only causing you pain now.

[Lucha]

She is blocked and removed on everything except phone, through which she keeps sending meaningless texts but I asked her not to contact anymore.

 

I really don't wanna feel this way anymore, I would like to believe that everything will be better and I'll meet a great girl and be happy again, but right now everything keeps piling up. All the losses. Everytime I try to think after rain comes sunshine but it never comes! Only more rain you know?! It f*ing hurts

 

I tried to ask out another girl this week but got kinda rejected - she made up an excuse to not go out with me. I think this has triggered me to feel like sh*t again.

 

Valentines eve last year I was so happy. And here I am today more alone than ever, balling my eyes out.

[Tinkie9901]

You aren't alone Lucha. I know it feels that way but people do care about you. And I cried all Valentines Day and made some silly choices but I'll just have to dust myself off and keep going. You can do it too

[Lucha]

I am crying like day one again. I just want the pain to end !! I hate myself for still loving her I am going to hurt so bad when she finds someone else, I dont know if I can handle it.. I'm pretty much at my limit right now I can't take any more of this

[Tinkie9901]

You can. I thought I wouldn't survive after my break up. The pain was just unbearable, it felt like I was dying. But we are stronger than we think. To start I just told myself I have to get through this hour, then up to a day and onwards. Take it one step at a time and treat yourself kindly.

[Ms Darcy]

Valentines eve last year I was so happy. And here I am today more alone than ever, balling my eyes out.

 

Every thread the same thing. A broken record.

 

What are you doing to heal and improve?

[Lucha]

I think I can, but it's almost like I don't want to. If this is life without her, it is not worth living. Not that I'm suicidal, I just hate my life and these last 4 months have been so awful. I really don't want to move on to a future of that. You know.. I want to meet someone special, to just keep my focus off her. I know for a fact that this is the only thing that has worked for me in the past: shift the focus to someone else. Not to get involved with or anything, just someone new that shares my interests or to who I can have deep conversations with like I did with my ex.. to bond with.. I miss all that and I want it so bad. My life is very lonely at the moment, friends are all busy with their own little life, getting engaged, building a house together, getting babies. My family I don't see them as much and my parents who I live with are VERY introvert people. They react to me crying like I am not there. For real. Emotions are a sign of being weak and therefore not tolerated. I miss my ex so much. I'm sorry I want to get on with life but I simply can't look forward into a gray and rainy landscape when behind me there was sun and rainbows and happiness..

[Allipie]

What exactly did she do to you....

[Lucha]

Every thread the same thing. A broken record.

 

What are you doing to heal and improve?

 

I blocked her. I put away all of her things. Deleted all of her emails. I blocked all her friends and relatives and some mutual friends as well.

 

I am working out 3 times a week. I am volunteering at a cat shelter. I am volunteering with mentally disordered people. I am learning to bake pies and cakes. I am applying for jobs and go to job days. I am seeing a counselor once every 2 weeks. I read tons of articles about breaking up. I ask friends to hang out. I read books. I have been going out in weekends (and getting dissapointed a lot).

 

I just don't know what else to do! I am almost getting desperate. I have some good days and then I always have a big setback for whatever reason, it can be the slightest bad luck and it hits me like a train.

[Lucha]

Allipie, I sent you a private message.

[Allipie]

Ok. Replied.

[jenbrooks]

Lucha, how long have you been NC?

 

Unfortunately, finding someone when you're desperate is not a good idea because what happens if this new person does the same thing to you and hurt you again? How will you cope being alone again if you need someone to make you happy? So even if its going to take a long time, you still have to go through it without finding someone to make you happy. Some people just take longer than others, but if you're still missing your ex, then you need to keep doing what you're doing.

 

Can you increase your exercise from three days a week to 7 days a week? I exercise 7 days week, 30 minutes each day.