I have caved on Valentines!!!!

[Michael 93]

Really not sure how to feel right now. Me and my Ex girlfriend broke up a month and a half ago. I am 2 weeks into NC after her saying she no longer wants to be with me.

 

Its come to Valentine Day and I have been so down!! I know she is seeing someone else and its been going through my mind they are together all day. I spoke to my colleague who works over at her office (we work for the same company) and he explained that she wasn't in today. I immediately panicked and had like a sickening feeling.

 

I searched her Facebook on my friends phone to see if there was anything regarding them being together. There was nothing about them but that doesnt make me feel any better, that dosent mean she isnt with him Instead I saw how much of a fun time she was having and pictures of her out with her friends and guys and things like that. I couldnt take it anymore!!! My mind was on a different planet.

 

I caved and text her saying "i just want to say. happy valentines day. i hope you are ok and i have not stopped thinking about you."

 

Not really sure how to feel about this at all. She hasn't replied. I dont know how I feel!

[Lucha]

Hi michael. Valentines day is a tough day when you just broke up. So are all other holidays actually. I recognise the feeling of panick you get when picturing your ex with someone else. The thing is, we don't know what they're doing, and our heads keep giving us all these worst case scenario's and we totally freak out. But we don't know if these scenario's are happening really, sometimes you might see a pic of her with some other guy and you're thinking "who is that?", "is he dating her?", "is she in love with him?", "do they have sex?" .. It's heartbreaking and self-damaging to think like this. You have to stop yourself and say to yourself "I dont know what is going on in her life, but she doesnt want to be with me so it is really none of my business."

 

For me; This weekend is valentines day, the day we would have been together 1 year AND my bday. I feel awful. Take care.

[lavenderdove]

Honey, what you need to focus on is your feelings aren't 'magical' in a way that brings her back. if she's with another guy, she'll be thinking about him on Valentine's day and not about you. You are sending her a message that shows you are still thinking about her as if she is 'your' girl and she just isn't, and your feelings may be strong, but if she's gone with with another guy, she just isn't feeling the same way about you as you do about her so this kind of contact at best makes her either feel guilty and sad that you are still not over her, or else irritated that you're not 'getting' that she has moved on and are bothering her with this kind of contact.

 

And you can search the earth looking for 'evidence' of what she is doing, but the very fact that you are resorted to surfing the net trying to get a glimpse of her and what she is doing is just a very potent sign that you are not in a relationship with her, or you'd be with her rather than trying to keep her 'alive' in your mind by searching the stratosphere that is the internet! She is not your concern anymore, and you are a just a voyeur on her life if she is not with you and not responding to your attempts to get back together with her.

 

So you took a very wrong turn here. and regardless of how you feel about what you did or what you feel about her, if she is with another guy how you feel and what you do won't change anything or bring her back.

 

So get right back on that NC horse and recognize that this kind of behavior just retards your healing and doesn't change anything. Your task now is getting over her and putting her in the past, NOT keeping tabs on her and emoting in her direction if she is with another guy.

[Michael 93]

Hi Lucha Thanks very much for your response. I totally agree with that. Most of the time my mind does the wondering and I get myself in such a state. Its just you know when you have a gut feeling as well to go with it??

 

Surely she wouldn't book the day off for any other reason. I'm completely lost and feel so so so upset. She hasn't replied and I doubt she even will.

I feel for you. Sometimes you see no other way out other than sadness. It has got easier for me that is a fact however as soon as i realised she wasn't at work today I feel right back at step one.

 

I appreciate your response thank you for taking the time to reply.

[Michael 93]

Everything your saying is 100% correct. I know that. But it is so difficult for me to just get over her the way she has me.

 

I am just so lost and madly in love with her. I panicked. and yeah your right the fact she could be with this other guy is a sign she isn't thinking of me anymore but that hurts me more than anything in the world. We were in love and I know how much we cared about each other. I just wanted to show her that I am thinking about her and I am here if she wants to talk. I struggle to see how this is all so easy for her.

 

Thank you for your response

[lavenderdove]

What you did is 100% understandable from an emotional standpoint, but what I am trying to say is that it is more important right now to focus on what is EFFECTIVE for healing you rather than just venting to someone who at this point isn't thinking about you and is instead thinking about another guy. And these kinds of messages to exes are not effective for that.

 

What might be more effective is to honestly tell her that you love her and want to try again, so if she changes her mind and wants to try to get back together, to please let you know, but otherwise you have to focus on healing and letting go so won't be in contact. That way you know that she knows if she changes her mind she can call you, but otherwise you're not wasting your time hanging around pining for her while she busily bangs some other guy. She's already told you she's doing that, and that is all you need to know from the perspective that all your tender love feelings for her won't change that fact. Only she will decide whether that works for her or not, or whether she made a mistake and wants to come back or not. You obsessively checking on her and sending her these 'I love you' messages is damaging to you, and won't change anything, so you need to apply your efforts to things that heal you and are effective.

[Michael 93]

I agree. and i wish i new what is effective for my healing. the last two weeks of NC have gone fairly well and I have improved majorly. I still think and hurt every single day about why she dosent care or why she dosent want me.

 

I thought that if I sent her the text message she would maybe feel the same. I feel stupid I really do. I guess i'm still struggling to see how we could be so close, share so many special moments and then she cuts it like it meant absolutely nothing. In order for her to of shared the moments she has with this guy obviously he is more than a rebound. I need to accept that.

 

I just hope the text has showed her that I am still here and will be thinking about her. This way she knows she can contact me. I know the chances of her doing that are extremely slim. I wish I could let go I really do. All I am thinking about is her being with him. Doing the same things she did with me, making him laugh like me, kissing him like me.

 

The funny thing is. I dont even know that is what she is doing!!!

 

Again thanks for your response. What would you say it the best way of applying my efforts to heal me???

[JSB]

Dont feel bad. I was going to as well... until I read your post!! So thank you =) Instead I've written a letter on my private (only read by me) blog. I want to text him so bad but just don't want to feel neglected when he doesn't respond!

[lavenderdove]

Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it to wean yourself off her. You're going down all these imaginary scenarios in your mind about where she is and what she is doing etc., when the reality is those are all just ghosts in your head and nothing to do with reality.

 

So you need to discipline your thoughts to quit trying to keep her alive in your mind and restrict the amount of time you allow yourself to obsess about her. She's gone from your life, so your next task is to banish her from your thoughts and align your thinking with reality.

 

Once you are able to get control of that, your emotions will follow and you'll be able to be freed from these kinds of thoughts and get on with your life.

[Lucha]

I did it too, sending these kinds of texts or emails where you just pour your heart out or actually present it to them on a silver platter only for them to break it again. She ignored all of them. Like we never existed. Like we never loved eachother. It makes me so mad and dissapointed. Unbelievable.

[No1]

Lucha... its over, its been over, why did you torture yourself. What were you expecting? She moved on and I think you should to.

[JSB]

I also caved on valentines . . tried hard. . I sent a valentines day message. . pretty simple one. No response. Why am I torturing myself. I am becoming more and more depressed over this... If he cared, he would have respond to my other messages before this one or texted me HVD without me initiating any contact.

[Lucha]

Lucha... its over, its been over, why did you torture yourself. What were you expecting? She moved on and I think you should to.

 

I sent these only in the weeks after breaking up. I just want her to leave me alone and I don't ever wanna run into her again. She hurt me so bad!!