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Online Dating and the dreaded suddenly silence


Positiveview

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Hi all!

 

I have a similar story to many I suspect. Met someone online. Going fantastic. Great messages back and forth. Then . . . suddenly nothing. No response message Sunday. Sent one Wednesday along same lines as all the others . . . nada. See they have logged in so it isn't that they aren't online. Went over last messages and nothing at all indicates anything that would rise to the level of a misunderstanding, much less a cold shoulder or excommunication.

 

It is frustrating and it does sting even though this is someone you don't have a long established relationship with and it could be a million things not even related to you that came up. But human nature being what it is when you are the recipient of the silent treatment it messes with your self esteem a bit and makes you question yourself. And my plan was to wallow in it a bit, wonder what in the heck I said that could have brought it on and seek advice on here.

 

But during the sign up process I felt compelled to be more positive. I figure I will write her next week saying I enjoyed our conversations and if there is anything she would like to discuss then she knows how to contact me, but if not then onwards and upwards.

 

So if you have advice or a similar story feel free to join in as it is cathartic writing about it and may we all have a great Valentine's Day in spite of it!

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yeah i gave up on the online dating scene, I was talking to someone (female) and they were telling me how literally every time they log in they have like 10-15 messages and it's hard to keep track of conversations. So i guess you have to try and get the phone number basically in that first conversation because they have "so many options"

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HA! I found it to be 10 days. I have written to people and almost EXACTLY at the 10 day mark they disappear. It's the DREADED 10 day disappearing act!! lol I have even taken to COUNTING. Some days it's a little less...some days 11! LOL

 

Just have fun with it!

 

Like some have said on here, do a meet as soon as possible. Because then you have no expectations built up. But i don't like to feel as if I'm meeting a complete stranger. I want some form of rapport going on!!! I'd much rather think i have something going on...and then find out when i meet them they're a total 'turn off'...lol...not.

 

Anyway, I've given up.

 

Happy Valentines Day to one and all!

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We are in different towns, but I am moving there soon so we had planned to meet on my next visit in a couple of weeks.

 

Could be the distance, but I will be there soon.

 

I would have thought at least a message back . . . I only "disappear" when the person scares me and that is rarely. Even though a nice message doesn't erase the sting I try to make sure they aren't left wondering if I am interested or not.

 

I think that is the part I have the hardest time adjusting to is that it is the norm to just go silent. I have done eHarmony and liked that there you had to at least close them out and could give an option, but you knew. With this it is a guessing game and wondering if you should write or shouldn't you and if you do does that make you look desperate . . .

 

I am not too down about it now. I was earlier this evening because there was a lot of promise there, but in perspective that is all it was and if I am not worth a reply back to her then I doubt I would amount to much in a relationship

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HA! I found it to be 10 days. I have written to people and almost EXACTLY at the 10 day mark they disappear. It's the DREADED 10 day disappearing act!! lol I have even taken to COUNTING. Some days it's a little less...some days 11! LOL

 

I looked back and it was 8 days. She jumped the gun!

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I went out tonight and I saw something that was...well, reflective of the online scene.

 

10-15 guys for every girl. Most every girl has stretch marks [signs] that he was a mother. Those on the dance floor are dancing hoochy, those in groups work to maintain no success.

 

In other words, it's not any different online than it is out there...

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With online dating, I never considered anyone "real" until I met them in person. It will save you a lot of frustration.

 

 

Same here. If you want to "date" on line where you type back and forth or talk on the phone for a long time this is the risk. If you want to date in real life the people you contact on a dating site then set up a meeting in person ASAP after the first contact -I used to exchange one or two e-mails before talking by phone and then have a 20 minute phone conversation -if I thought I would be comfortable meeting in person for a short time I suggested meeting or agreed to meet within the next week or earlier.

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I went out tonight and I saw something that was...well, reflective of the online scene.

 

10-15 guys for every girl. Most every girl has stretch marks [signs] that he was a mother. Those on the dance floor are dancing hoochy, those in groups work to maintain no success.

 

In other words, it's not any different online than it is out there...

 

This was at a bar/dance club? What time of night was it? How did you see their "stretch marks"?

Depending on the time, location and age group, I don't know a lot of single moms shaking their stretch marks at the bar. Some additional quality women might simply have been elsewhere.

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With online dating, I never considered anyone "real" until I met them in person. It will save you a lot of frustration.

 

That is a good way of looking at it. Pretend they are a chatbot. Or the secretary/assistant you have to get by to talk to the real person. That would kill off some frustration.

 

And that is exactly what it is. Frustration. Momentarily feeling down and wondering if I am chopped liver, but all I have invested in it is a little time and some words and they don't actually know me at all.

 

Plus before you meet them they are anything you want them to be. Good or bad. I am smart, have multiple degrees and good common sense and I still find myself projecting because in the moment it is easy to when they are just a picture and a (usually) positive outline of who they are. No bad habits, no baggage, the chemistry is perfect . . . That is fleeting when you meet them, but human nature to ignore any negatives when you are interested in someone be it online or in the office or at the club.

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Honestly if guy wanted to just chat with me for 10 days before even mentioning that we should grab a drink sometime....I'd be bored.

 

I'm not on PoF to chat I'm on there to date and if you're not asking me for a date within a week, then I might try my luck and hope someone else will. In your case you live in another town so going on a date wasn't an option right away but you should have escalated things asked for her number or called her or something.

 

Maybe it's just me but a guy has to constantly show me that he wants to continue talking to me or seeing me in some way or I assume he doesn't.

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Whatever works but I don't see why there's any need to pretend -in reality this person is basically a stranger who you might meet in person to see if you should go out on a real date in the future. The less time you invest before you meet (after you do the safety screening and decide if you're comfortable enough) the more that reality will make sense.

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Very true. I always found it strange to exchange messages for more than a week or even after a few days with a guy and to have him not even suggest a date. I like the guy to ask me on a date when doing the online dating thing. I once messaged a guy for 2 weeks, went on vacation in Costa Rica for 5 days, and when I came back he suddenly disappeared, account disabled etc. He never once mentioned meeting up. I always imagine if someone is comfortable messaging for weeks and never brings up a date, then they must not be that serious about actually meeting someone online. I know quite a few people who do online dating and are hesitant about meeting someone off of it, therefore prefer to message and chat for ages to feel like it's even worth it.

 

I've been messaging this one guy from OKC for a few weeks now from the country that I'm moving to in several weeks. He's completely aware I'll be moving there in a few weeks, but he asked me out on a coffee date when I arrive in the country during the 2nd or 3rd email. I'm happy to write him long messages till I arrive but this is the only time I make that exception nowadays. Otherwise it feels like people aren't taking the online dating thing seriously.

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I always let the man suggest the first date. I had no problem suggesting a first meet to see if we should go on a date. I didn't feel flattered if the man suggested it -after all, he'd never seen me in person. I preferred suggesting the first meet if he hadn't to waiting around through more typing and talking -didn't have time for that. I never found a difference in what happened based on my suggesting the first meet. But, I did when I suggested the first or second date.

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I almost always let the man suggest the first date. I had no problem suggesting a first meet to see if we should go on a date. I didn't feel flattered if the man suggested it -after all, he'd never seen me in person. I preferred suggesting the first meet if he hadn't to waiting around through more typing and talking -didn't have time for that. I never found a difference in what happened based on my suggesting the first meet. But, I did when I suggested the first or second date.

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But during the sign up process I felt compelled to be more positive. I figure I will write her next week saying I enjoyed our conversations and if there is anything she would like to discuss then she knows how to contact me, but if not then onwards and upwards.

 

So if you have advice or a similar story feel free to join in as it is cathartic writing about it and may we all have a great Valentine's Day in spite of it!

 

Don't do this. She has given you the silent treatment. Doing this is akin to rewarding her behaviour. Besides if you have any chance at all, doing this will make you look desperate. Walk away like a man, never look back, and say NEXT. Look forward to the next one. That one was just wasting your time.

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Second life is where I meet my partner and we're living together in rl. You can interact with people on their, create, dance, go on dates, and talk, voice, chat, cam! Messages aren't over loaded because it's just like meeting people and adding to your friends list as you go. It's a virtual game, but tons of people have met on their get married offline. A bunch of my friends have succeeded!

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Honestly if guy wanted to just chat with me for 10 days before even mentioning that we should grab a drink sometime....I'd be bored.

 

We had planned a date, but it was two weeks out due to being in different towns.

 

I am not so much hung up on the one dropping off the face of the earth as it represented what seems to be the way of saying you aren't interested anymore. Just disappearing like it isn't worth the time it takes to tap out a short message. I find reasons all the time I change my mind about someone the more we talk, but I try to at least not leave them wondering. However, that is the game and I am in it and it is a numbers game my way as well as I get more messages than people I want to talk to so I can understand on some level it takes a bit of effort. I would just install a close button in all sites so even the lazy could let someone know not to hang around instead of a message or two and wondering. I know it goes both ways and a lot of my female friends get upset when someone they seemingly had interest in just goes completely dark one day.

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You're comparing dating someone to typing to a stranger through an on line site. Sure, it's nice if the (for all practical purposes) stranger sends a note to close things up but I would just assume that silence is a lack of interest. No wondering needed. And if you refrain from typing and talking for a long time then it will seem less strange if the person simply doesn't respond.

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