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Racism or Just Discomfort ... I feel Screwed over...


YoGina

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I was living in a abusive living situation. I didn’t have enough money to rent at normal rent prices so I posted a classifieds ad online asking if anyone would let me rent from them temporarily, at a lower than average price, until I found a better situation. Finally, one day I got a reply from someone who was serious, or so it seemed.

 

It was a married women, who claimed she wanted to open her home up to me and that her husband didn’t mind as well. We spoke about my situation and she said she could relate to it, which even more caused her to want to help me out. She said they really didn't need the money but had always wanted to rent the downstairs out for extra cash, just to have. So the lower rent was no problem.

 

For some reason, a lot of people that replied that showed almost instant interest, soon lost their interest automatically, when they found out I was Afro-American. Which, to me is strange, being the VERY first line in my post, right up at the top, states I am an Afro-American female in my twenties. How could someone miss this, or worse forget it?

 

So, a lot of people acted surprised and backed away. I won’t call it racism necessarily. It is their home after all, so they should be able to decide who they feel comfortable renting a room to. So, knowing the ignorance of past people who had responded, I asked her, while riding on the train into town, more than half way through my trip, if she realized I was Afro-American, and if not, does it bother her and her husband. I was trying to calm any fears I had, this was was revisit on the train, nagging at me.

 

To this text, she took over an hour to reply to; I believe it was over 2 1/2 hours. Which was out of place, because from the moment we had started talking a week before, she never took that long to respond to my texts. I mean, she would text me back *asap. So, going from, even to that day, prior to me asking that question, her was responding back lightening fast, to this, was strange. I waited and waited and waited..

 

Some would say, "Hey, maybe this one time something came up". Wait, I thought you would say that. So jump forward to me coming into town via Amtrak. I have been here for two weeks and I have noticed some things. She NEVER is without her phone and anytime we’ve texted since I have been here, or her phone rings from another call, she answers it lightning fast. Hmmm, I thought to myself, "Can I rightly assume that this is her normal behavior? Keeping her phone glued to her hip, and responding to calls/texts right away"? It had been my experience prior with her and now seeing it in person gave me cause for concern.

 

So, it begs the question, why did she delay when I texted her that one question? I mean any other question before and after, I got a response at lighting speed. She went from being my biggest cheerleader, and comparing how similar our stories were when she was younger, to being distant at that one, simple question. I can only assume, her like the others, had forgotten that first line in my post. I think her and her husband discussed it at length and didn't want to leave me on streets, but at the same time didn't feel comfortable either. Over 2 1/2 hours to answer that one question....

 

On the phone, I speak with a tone and speech pattern, many people have joked, that if they didn’t know any better, they would assume I am Caucasian. I grew up in the Los Angeles , as which is common, have a thick “valley girl” accent. I do, self confessedly, sound very “white” as some people say. I think it is just, that I speak proper English and my tone is very high pitched and girly. Not, very rough and not littered with street or “urban” slang/talk.

 

I swear I brought it up in some of our emails. I also just assumed it was known being it was stated in the first line of my post. So, at the time I texted it to her, I was riding on the Amtrak on my way into the state. Almost there. A state I had once lived and wanted to return to. Everything had seemed so perfect up until them. I knew it was a bad omen. So, you can imagine my anxiety. I was so nervous about everything, leaving the abusive situation, venturing into the unknown. I bought my ticket, then refunded it then finally bought the one I ended up actually using. That is how nervous I was. And of course they were there by email and phone to encourage me to still come despite any fears or worries I had.

 

So, after much encouragement from them to leave, to break away from the abuse, so much encouragement and what seemed like support at the time- to encounter this, after having been riding on a train for over 25 hours, made my stomach drop. I thought to myself, “Had they really assumed me for being white? If so, was this a deal breaker?”. After all the friendliness and hooray, was I to take this to mean they had only been sincere in their words because they thought I was white?"

 

I mean, come on. Lighting flash speed texting me back for a week, then all through the train ride up until I asked that simple question. Paraphrased, “ Are you okay with me being “black?” That was what I was truly asking. I had forgotten about my nervousness with the past posters sometime after communicating with them, because they were so friendly and welcoming towards me. Were they like the people who bailed when they found out my race, no matter how proper I spoke, and it being stated in the first line of my post? They seemed so bright, positive, certain about me coming out and supportive.

 

So, now, after having been here for two weeks, I have noticed a major difference from the first night until the second. From the second night things just seemed to go down hill. Her husband has never seemed comfortable with me- at all. Not as a person, I am clean, proper, nice, I had rent in hand first night ready to pay my dues. I think he doesn't feel comfortable interacting with me or having me in his house because of my race. He has this convert aggressive and awkwardness around me that seems a little unsettling. She has become, dismissive and even, I think a bit uncomfortable not just with my race, but having a younger female around her husband. If I put on make-up she at random not long after would put some on, when she was previously relaxing and had none on.. Or she has made jives about my food/drink choices, or given me looks that up and down..eating habits when she doesn't have a perfect diet either.. It seems to be at times when her husband is around, she likes to make slight passive aggressive jabes to embarrass me in front of him or to try to show me up. Why? I am not remotely attracted to her older, balding, overweight husband. Don’t get me wrong, he civil to me. I think despite any discomfort he has with me being here, he is in general a nice man.

 

So...I don’t know why she encouraged me to come out here for this utter bullsh**.

 

The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife yet she claims nothing is wrong. She is very dismissive towards me, and can barely stand me. It is blatant and obvious but she won’t verbalize it/ admit to it. Actions speak louder than words and I have been watching. I feel so uncomfortable being here. I am not dull, naive or stupid. Most people aren’t. Especially women. We can tell when another female doesn’t like us and Afo-Americans can tell when *some white people are uncomfortable with us.

 

Whether racism or them just not having been exposed to Afro-Americans, especially not one living in their house, regardless of the fact I pay rent, it may still be a stressful, unwanted situation. The only reason I think she is tolerating me is because she says because of my Aspergers she knows she can trust me. She said she knows she won’t come home and all her stuff be stolen. I am very blunt and straight forward, honest through and through. I think there are things about my personality she likes but she doesn't like me as a whole and would rather have a “nice white girl, staying here instead of me.

 

I also think she is just keeping me around long enough to babysitter her cats for their vacation coming up. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to leave the cats home alone and wants me, even if I have already moved out, to come and house sit/pet sit them when they go on vacation in a few weeks. So, I think it is just a matter of time. I f**king hate it here. I want to leave. For all the trouble I should have stayed where I was at until something stable and sincere came along. This situation isn’t kosker and I want out. I signed a month-to-month lease with them. It states i have to tell them a month in advance that I am moving out. It doesn’t state a fee if I don’t tell them exactly a month before though. So wondering what I should do. I have two weeks until end of this month. I want to leave so bad. This is so uncomfortable. At least I knew my abuser, and they accepted me as a human being, despite the abuse and I had my own space. Here, it feels like I am some foreign animal who they are apprehensive about and dismissive towards. I would rather have saved my money and stayed where I was at until something better, appropriate came along.

 

Don't mistake her wanting me to pet sit as a kind gesture. They admitted they had trouble finding another renter for the room. Things were going slow with renting the room. I am just a filler.

 

I guess when I was on the train maybe they felt it was too late to back out but they should have taken the time to read my post not skim it and set me up for disaster after I have blown my money on a ticket and renting from people who don’t want “my kind” living with and around them.

 

Any Advice?

 

 

I am glad I left my abuser, that was as step forward but now all I have is a new negative situation to figure out.

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I think that you should not jump to the automatic conclusion that is about race. There could be other things going on. You have also just been there a day or two.

 

1) Husband really wasn't totally on board with a renter. The wife was gung ho and overpromised. Or he was, but now that it is a reality, sharing his space is troubling to him.

 

2) Wife said they "don't really need the money" but husband doesn't agree.

 

3) Wife truly was busy when you texted the question. She could have been in a meeting, doctor's appointment or indelicate situation (sex with husband, in the bathroom with a bad stomach ache).

 

4) When you came in, you were wound up to believe they are racist - so your body language and demeanor are sending a "don't talk to me" vibe in advertantly.

 

5) The husband is uncomfortable with you being out of an abusive situation wondering if your guy will chase after you.

 

6) husband is just having stress at work.

 

 

I think you should have met with them before you moved in to decide if you were a match, to give the chance to tell them what your goals were, etc, as well.

 

I think the better situation would have been for you to go to a women's shelter and for the

 

m to match you up with a housing situation. It is hard to expect strangers who are not normally equipped for it to take on something they don't feel equipped to.

 

Did you look for situations of people looking for roommates that you could afford without asking for "reduced rent"?

 

I am not trying to point blame - just that you can only control yourself and if we go into something smiling and trying to make it easier for the person offering the help, it goes a lot farther. Did you talk about what you were responsible for while you were staying there? All roommates do that.

 

Just trying to think of solutions..

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My RESPONSE TO: ABITBROKEN

 

I have been here two weeks! FYI not two days? Read the post before you call your self responding and attacking someone

 

1) Husband really wasn't totally on board with a renter. The wife was gung ho and overpromised. Or he was, but now that it is a reality, sharing his space is troubling to him.

 

 

FACT: There could be some truth to this. They should have discussed it more then. I shouldn’t have to go through this when I invest the last of my money to come out here.

 

3) Wife truly was busy when you texted the question. She could have been in a meeting, doctor's appointment or indelicate situation (sex with husband, in the bathroom with a bad stomach ache).[/i]

 

FACT: No, actually she said she was watching TV but I had just texted her a less than a 2 minutes before. We were texting back and forth. You can think what you want but it doesn’t take 2 ½ hours to respond to one question SHE was free to text at the time. It was abnormal.

 

4) When you came in, you were wound up to believe they are racist - so your body language and demeanor are sending a "don't talk to me" vibe in advertantly.

 

FACT: You weren’t there so please don’t lie and make things up. I was very pleasant and they would be the first to tell you this. You weren't ther so save your slander. I acted in no such way. If anything I was very shy and quite and hoping things would go well despite any nervousness I had.

 

The husband is uncomfortable with you being out of an abusive situation wondering if your guy will chase after you.

 

FACT: First of all it wasn’t a guy. It was a family member. They already knew the situation and that there is nothing like that going to happen. So, sorry no, that is not the issue. My race is and discomfort with me being here. You don't live in reality if you think every white person feels 100 comfortable with black people and esp one living in there home no matter how proper I am. Some white people grow up predominately around other white people not meeting blacks until college ect. I have white friends who have told me this. So spare me this isn't at least in apart about race. What eles is there? They have already told me they trust me in their home, know ma honest person. Heck, I even showed them my bank account. So, what is it? You can't pretend like it isn't werid.

 

 

I think you should have met with them before you moved in to decide if you were a match, to give the chance to tell them what your goals were, etc, as well.

 

FACT: I think they should be responsible for there actions. How about that?I am not rich. The fact I couldn’t afford regular rent prices should have alerted to the fact I didn't have enough to pay over 200 for a ticket plus rent for a maybe in another state. Wow.

 

They had a chance to, many to not get involved like not responding to my post, Like not encouraging me to buy another ticket to come when I refunded the first one because I was so nervous...They were texting me like crazy, emailing me to come, not stay, that they wanted me to come. They had man chances to think, decide.. They contacting me first. ect First of all they responded to my post. They are adults and made this decision for themselves. No one held a gun to their head. We did, speak about my goals and every detail you could think of by phone and email. Attacking me won’t change the facts about this. They are adults who contacted me and claimed they wanted this. So I am not responsible for their mistakes.

 

I think the better situation would have been for you to go to a women's shelter and for the..Im to match you up with a housing situation. It is hard to expect strangers who are not normally equipped for it to take on something they don't feel equipped to.

 

FACT: IF they didn't feel equipped why did they persist for a week encouraging em to come out with there blessing?They DID FEEL EQUIPPED for it, they sure took my rent money. THEY CONTACTED ME AND ENCOURAGED ME TO COME SO, you tell me how they didn't feel eqquipped. They were looking for a renter and contacted me adn told me they wanted to rent to me. So, come again. How were they not eqquipped?You are just a trouble maker. They responded to my post, they said the wanted to rent to me. So why are you blaming me if they have cold feet. I didn’t contact them first. They wanted to rent and contacted me first and encouraged me to come out even after I had told them nevermind and refunded my ticket. They pressured me and encouraged me to come. You didn't even readmy post ot you wouldn't have got your facts wrong and wrote what you did.

 

[]Did you look for situations of people looking for roommates that you could afford without asking for "reduced rent"?[/i]

 

FACT: What am I going t come up with money magically I don’t have to pay regular rent prices?

 

I am not trying to point blame -

 

FACT: You have done nothing but try to shift blame me making up false things and invaild assumptions not based on logic or fact. You have done nothing but make me responsible for two 40 something years olds actions. You are cruel and wrong. THEY ARE ADULTS AND RESPONSIBLE FOR what they did: email me, call me, for a week encouraging me to come to there home. They are adults, and if they have changed there minds they are responsible for that not me. What is worst is I even offered to find another situation if they wanted to back out last mintue. They refused to accept no as a answer to me coming into their home. So get your facts straight before you point your finger at me. I gave them a chance to back, out. They wanted the extar moeny fo rthere trip coming up. SO spare me this whole b*s* about how I put them in a bad place.

 

Just trying to think of solutions..

 

FACT: No, you are blaming and attcking me

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Two weeks is still a short time

 

I am telling you that there could be other reasons why the reality of a roommate is uncomfortable for them other than because of race - while you are jumping to race and that is the ONLY explanation for you not feeling comfortable. Also, this is a room for rent situation. They do not need to embrace you as family. And you know - when my female roomie brought a guy to live with us for awhile - i was VERY uncomfortable. I had to dress fully after a shower and not go to my room in a bathrobe. I was very conscious about not getting out of bed in the morning and entering the kitchen without being fully dressed - well - maybe pulling pj pants on but always made sure i was wearing a bra, etc. There was so much adjustment living with someone of the opposite sex as well as for them having to censor their affection,etc, having a third wheel in the house too.

 

Ok- lets just say it might be race - you have a choice to hold on to that or to be as pleasant as possible, stick within the agreements of your rent (if you really only get the downstairs, stay downstairs), and just be a good roommate by asking them what they would like from the store, etc, when you go, etc, rather than you also letting your uncomfortability make them more uncomfortable.

 

Also, you have control to leave them if you don't like it. You are not there by force

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I am NOT blaming you - i am trying to get you to look at the other side of things. That is all. There is something in playing devil's advocate. Okay - it wasn't an abusive marriage you are out of - my mistake. I just assumed. And a lot of people have their "show" that they don't like interrupted.

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My RESPONSE TO: ABITBROKEN

 

I have been here two weeks! FYI not two days? Read the post before you call your self responding and attacking someone

 

1) Husband really wasn't totally on board with a renter. The wife was gung ho and overpromised. Or he was, but now that it is a reality, sharing his space is troubling to him.

 

 

FACT: There could be some truth to this. They should have discussed it more then. I shouldn’t have to go through this when I invest the last of my money to come out here.

 

3) Wife truly was busy when you texted the question. She could have been in a meeting, doctor's appointment or indelicate situation (sex with husband, in the bathroom with a bad stomach ache).[/i]

 

FACT: No, actually she said she was watching TV but I had just texted her a less than a 2 minutes before. We were texting back and forth. You can think what you want but it doesn’t take 2 ½ hours to respond to one question SHE was free to text at the time. It was abnormal.

 

4) When you came in, you were wound up to believe they are racist - so your body language and demeanor are sending a "don't talk to me" vibe in advertantly.

 

FACT: You weren’t there so please don’t lie and make things up. I was very pleasant and they would be the first to tell you this. You weren't ther so save your slander. I acted in no such way. If anything I was very shy and quite and hoping things would go well despite any nervousness I had.

 

The husband is uncomfortable with you being out of an abusive situation wondering if your guy will chase after you.

 

FACT: First of all it wasn’t a guy. It was a family member. They already knew the situation and that there is nothing like that going to happen. So, sorry no, that is not the issue. My race is and discomfort with me being here. You don't live in reality if you think every white person feels 100 comfortable with black people and esp one living in there home no matter how proper I am. Some white people grow up predominately around other white people not meeting blacks until college ect. I have white friends who have told me this. It dosen't make some a "bad person" necessarily, it just means they are out of their comfort zone. I NEVER called them "bad people". BUT it is still a fact this situation is screwed up and not working out. Well maybe for them, they will have their extra money for their cruise- while I feel the discomfort and dislike for me..So spare me this isn't at least in apart about race. What else is there? They have already told me they trust me in their home, know ma honest person. Heck, I even showed them my bank account. So, what is it? You can't pretend like it isn't werid.

 

 

I think you should have met with them before you moved in to decide if you were a match, to give the chance to tell them what your goals were, etc, as well.

 

FACT: I think they should be responsible for there actions. How about that?I am not rich. The fact I couldn’t afford regular rent prices should have alerted to the fact I didn't have enough to pay over 200 for a ticket plus rent for a maybe in another state. They logically** didn't ask or want me to make a trip for nothing- Wow you amaze me.

 

They had a chance to, many to not get involved like not responding to my post, Like not encouraging me to buy another ticket to come when I refunded the first one because I was so nervous...They were texting me like crazy, emailing me to come, not stay, that they wanted me to come. They had many chances to think, decide.. They contacted me first. ect

 

First of all they responded to my post. They are adults and made this decision for themselves. No one held a gun to their head. We did, speak about my goals and every detail you could think of by phone and email. Attacking me won’t change the facts about this. They are adults who contacted me and claimed they wanted this. So I am not responsible for their mistakes.

 

I think the better situation would have been for you to go to a women's shelter and for the..Im to match you up with a housing situation. It is hard to expect strangers who are not normally equipped for it to take on something they don't feel equipped to.

 

FACT: IF they didn't feel equipped why did they persist for a week encouraging em to come out with there blessing?They DID FEEL EQUIPPED for it, and I think they wanted the extar money for the cruise vacation coming up. THEY CONTACTED ME AND ENCOURAGED ME TO COME SO, you tell me how they didn't feel equipped? I am waiting??? They were looking for a renter and were equipped to rent to someone. They contacted me and told me they wanted to rent to me. So, come again? How were they not equipped for a renting situation?? PLEASE TELL ME?? I ma waiting?

 

You are just a trouble maker. They responded to my post, they said the wanted to rent to me. So why are you blaming me if they have cold feet? I didn’t contact them first. They wanted to rent and contacted me first and encouraged me to come out even after I had told them never mind and refunded my ticket. I struggled with coming out for many reason, it not working being one. SO they talked me through the nervousness and I bought another ticket. They pressured me and encouraged me to come because they, at the time seemed like they wanted me here.. You didn't even read my post or you wouldn't have got your facts wrong and wrote what you did.

 

[]Did you look for situations of people looking for roommates that you could afford without asking for "reduced rent"?[/i]

 

FACT: What am I going t come up with money magically I don’t have to pay regular rent prices?

 

I am not trying to point blame -

 

FACT: You have done nothing but try to shift blame me making up false things and invaild assumptions not based on logic or fact. You have done nothing but make me responsible for two 40 something years olds actions. You are cruel and wrong. THEY ARE ADULTS AND RESPONSIBLE FOR what they did: email me, call me, for a week encouraging me to come to there home. They are adults, and if they have changed there minds they are responsible for that not me. What is worst is I even offered to find another situation if they wanted to back out last mintue. They refused to accept no as a answer to me coming into their home. So get your facts straight before you point your finger at me. I gave them a chance to back, out. They wanted the extar moeny fo rthere trip coming up. SO spare me this whole b*s* about how I put them in a bad place.

 

Just trying to think of solutions..

 

FACT: No, you are blaming and attcking me

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