Boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me on the Eve of Valentine's Day :(

[chocomo]

So my boyfriend of two years broke up with me yesterday and it has completely blindsided me. His reasoning went something like this: "I am afraid I will look back on this time in my life and regret being in a relationship. I need to be single." He is 21 and I'm 23, and we started dating when he was 19 and I was 21. This has come as a huge shock to me because everything has been really good with our relationship. We spent the entire summer together over December/January (here in Australia) and he kept saying how important I am to him and how much he cherishes me in his life, I am his sanctuary, he wants us to work out, we are a team, we're a power couple, etc. He was even saying that on Tuesday when I last spoke to him! Then on Tuesday night we got into a massive fight and he just went "I can't do this anymore! I'm done!" and he stormed off. I contacted him the next day and we agreed to cool off before talking yesterday and he broke up with me. But he said the break up had nothing to do with the fight - he had forgotten about it. He said he's incredibly happy with us as a couple and he thinks we're the perfect couple, I make him so happy and he loves me so much. He even said he thinks we could get married someday. But right now he needs to be single to "find himself" and take on life on his own. He's too young for such a serious commitment, etc. He even he needs time to be single for a while and I asked how much time and he said 3 - 5 years. He said he would like to revisit this relationship in the future (i.e. after 3 - 5 years) and I got so angry with him and told him to forget about it. He said he wanted to remain friends and I said no way, you're no friend of mine anymore. He was my best friend. We were friends before dating and it was such a great relationship. I don't understand what I did or what went wrong?

 

I think he's too immature, doesn't know what he wants, and is too easily influenced by his friends. One of his close guy friends just broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years 2 weeks ago and gave the exact same reason - I'm too young, I need to be single. And my ex was using the exact same words with me! It's so ridiculous and I'm so angry! I know I don't deserve someone like that in my life but it's hard now because it's all still so raw. He was the love of my life and I thought he was my soulmate. There's a part of me that hopes he's just being a stupid boy who is confused and that he will change his mind but I know it's not healthy for me to think or expect that. I need some support.

 

After it happened yesterday I packed my bags and went to stay with my sister who lives in another city nearby. I thought it was important to get space from him, especially since we live in the same building. We both live at a residential college on campus at university. I know I have to go back eventually and I will probably see him quite often. My university classes start on Tuesday but I don't technically need to be back for another week since I can listen to lectures online and Week 1 lectures are usually just introductory ones with little important content. But I am in a dilemma now. I feel like I should move out of my current accommodation and maybe live off campus because I think it will be too hard to stay so close to him and move on. But my sister thinks I should just stay there before all my close friends live there too and it would be good for me to have them close by during this time. If I moved off campus I would be far from them and alone. What should I do?

 

I am almost done with my degree and at the moment will be graduating next year. I am studying a double degree in Finance and Law and I will graduate from my Finance degree at the end of this Semester. Then I have 1.5 years left of my Law degree before I finish it. When I first met my ex, I had taken a break from my law degree because I didn't think I wanted to finish it. I was really struggling with it and contemplated dropping it and just doing Finance. And I have no intention of becoming a lawyer. But when I met my ex he was doing law too and I decided to start it up again so we would graduate closer to each other. Now that we're not together, I realise how stupid this decision was. Even after starting up law again, I failed one of my law courses and didn't do that well in my other ones. I am contemplating dropping the law degree so I will graduate this semester and leave, but my sister thinks I am making a rash decision and will regret not finishing my law degree down the track. But at the moment I just want to get away from Canberra (where I live and go to university) because everything reminds me of him and I will always see him around and it's just too hard. What should I do?

 

I'm so confused by everything and I have so many big decisions to make! I didn't think this would happen to me but I keep telling myself that I stay positive and focus on myself and everything will be ok. He doesn't deserve to have someone as amazing as me in his life! I told him never to contact me again, I have deleted his number off my phone, and deactivated my Facebook account so I can't be reminded of him. I just need some advice from people who have gone through similar things on what the next steps should be. How should I tackle this difficult time in my life? Any help or advice will be so hugely appreciated. Thank you so much.

[Tinkie9901]

First thing you should do is just breathe.

 

Second if you REALLY need to get away from Canberra can you defer this semester and take that time to grieve and re-establish yourself. Or do you think that having uni will be a welcome distraction from him? Only you know whether attending the same uni as him so close to the breakup will be too much. If it's going to result in you failing and having to retake subjects then that is an issue. But maybe having that focus will be good for you.

 

The way he ended things was a d*ck move, using his mate's script was shabby. BUT he's done you a favour. Guys at that age really don't know who they are, or what they want out of life. He wants to be single, see the world, etc etc. It's normal (I've been in your situation), and for girls who tend to emotionally mature earlier this phase it hurts like hell as you are the one left on the sidelines while they run off and explore.

 

You were right in saying no to friends. No matter how great a guy, no ex girlfriend wants to bare witness to their ex moving on with other girls. For now, focus on you. This is also your chance to restructure your life to be what you want, without having to worry about considering a partner. Take care of yourself, cry if you need to, and lean on people.

[catfeeder]

I agree with your sister that this is not the time to decide anything. You risk looking back and kicking yourself for allowing a breakup to be the driver of such important choices.

 

I'd stay living with my friends and just be civil to him whenever you encounter him--saying 'hello' as you pass by, the same as you would a stranger.

 

This is for you, not him. It's a thousand times more stressful to cold shoulder someone in your midst than to treat them mildly as though they barely register on your radar. It keeps everything simple instead of creating crises around every party or event you'd wish to attend 'if only' he wouldn't be present.

 

Skip that. Put your eyes back on your own paper, grieve in private as much as you need to, and make it a goal to surprise everyone--including yourself--with your resiliency and ability to bounce back into your life with a focus on living it well.

 

I realize this is easier said than done, but you'll thank yourself later. Gearing any of your behavior toward emotionally impacting him is counter-productive, because the biggest way to shock him is to behave as though you're unfazed. Be kind, mature, focused on your own future. This will floor him beyond any temper tantrum or demo of hurt feelings, and it will lead to the best possible outcomes for you.

 

"Living well is your best revenge." You'll thank yourself later.