Update - 1 Month Later, could use advice, I think I am relapsing

[lionheart153]

So when I first got dumped I posted on here for help. It was a long story but if you want to read it, its somewhere on here

 

In a nutshell, she broke up with me. We were best friends for 3 years then dated another 3 and were engaged for the last 6-7 months. There was not much warning as far as I could tell, she was telling me she loved me and sending me wedding plans the morning of. After breaking up with me she flip flopped a bit but then held her stance and broke up with me.

 

I didnt handle it well, but I kept my distance. Alot of people told me to go NC. I tried my best but I was having trouble. A few weeks after the break up she had been quite rude, and forbid me to talk to her friends. Then all of a sudden one day she msged me saying she would try to offer clarification. I ignored her because I felt learning would only make me worse. I went to see a therapist, it offered some insight. I had her on my FB and kept watching her updates. Her updates were about being positive about life, and being happy and crap. One day she literally had an update about being happy about waking up on a Wedensday. It got very annoying so I finally closed my FB account. I didn't bother seeing her to get the last of my things, and just msged her to let her know I was getting it while she was at work one day. The last time we talked was by text. She left me a vm early this week asking me to call or text her about the cell phone and internet issue of switching over to her name. I texted her instructions and left it at that. She asked whcih store to go to which i directed her and then stopped talking. She emailed me later to let me know that my mail would be in the mail slot for me to get. I didn't respond either.

 

It's been about a month since this whole break up started. A lot of people are telling me that I am doing great and that they are surpised how well I am holding myself up. But deep down I still miss her, and I wish for another chance.

 

Ultimately I realized the problem was I took her for granted. I go to focused on saving money for our future, I was working two jobs. Even though I had asked if two jobs would affect us she said it wouldn't, however I think that she wasn't truly honest with me. We had gotten into a bad habit of keeping score, that defiantly isn't good. And I got complacent and just didnt do the same things I used to do to woo her. It was my fault for those mistake and I have accepted it, and I am working on myself now to be a better person, weither it be for her or the next person I meet. I know that she isn't innocent either, after all my therapist said it is her job to talk to you, and it seemed like she lacked communication.

 

But today, I woke up after a vivid dream of her. I miss her so much. I want to fight for her. I was reading online forums and articles on how to get an ex back. I just don't know what to do. Do I maintain this NC and hope for her to contact me? I should I make a move? I know that if we were to ever try again it would take work, and that I don't want to fall back into old habits simply.

 

I haven't seen her FB or instragram anymore but my friends have mentioned shes partying and posting the same things. I felt it was odd she contracted me early this week but then again the topics were clear and concise. Not like she was asking how I was doing or anything. Perhaps I'm here again trying to grasp at straws. Anyways any adivce would be appreciated.

[Twidom]

There is no formula to get your ex back... These "How to" are nothing but placebo. They give you situations where one of the parties never truly "got over" the ex.

 

I too want to fight for my ex but she said it was over for GOOD. I asked maybe in the future? She said no. Your ex brokeup with you. If she wants you back, she'll reach to you. She WILL reach to you. She's grown up. She knows it's up to her to do that. You done what you could. If you want to fight, then fight hard. Go for "I'll do absolutely EVERYTHING I can" and walk away with your mind at ease if it doesn't work. I would stay NC.

 

Eventually it will get better... You were together for 3 years right? Same as me and my Ex. I just hit the 4 month NC and it still stings... But if other people survived, we will too. Just don't give up and don't feed your hopes.

[Lucha]

IF you get back together, it would have to be initiated by HER. Otherwise, it won't work. I advise NC for your own healing. She contacts you but doesnt ask you to get back together.. So unfortunately at least for now she does not want to. Stay NC, let her miss you and that is your best chance at reconciliation.

[jphcbpa]

The key, or so I am told, is to get to a point that even if she did come back you are so happy and busy with your NEW life that you would ask yourself...do I want her back? A point of indifference and level headed.

[lionheart153]

Thanks, it has been great seeing that I am not alone, it doesn't change anything but at least I know that these things happen. I guess all I can do is hope it will get better. Those how to things are most likely BS as you can't apply it every situation

 

 

 

I am beginning to see that as well, if there was to be any hope of us its be in her court not mine. For now there is nothing I can do, as I have done all that I can to try to make it work.

 

 

 

I think I might be close, but I truly loved her and if she asked me to get back together I would have to think about it lay down some foundation in order for our relationship to be stronger. That I am beginning to see

[Ms Darcy]

As much as you feel like you know, you don't know all the reasons for the break up unless she tells you. So you might go into a reconciliation trying to "fix" one thing when the issue is much different. Basically, she has to want to work it out with you and communicate with you. If she wants to, she will reach out and make it clear she is serious about reconciliation.

[lionheart153]

I understand now that it is in her court to make the move to want to fix things or work things out. I think the sad part is, I don't feel like that will happen. I try not to think about it but it manages to creep into my head ever so often. I know saying things like "what we had was special" means nothing because everyone feels that way about there relationship. But I know that I was a great bf, she often told me that and we were generally happy. I feel like she changed her mind on a whim, perhaps over reacted. I know she was stressed out with work, fiances, our first home purchase, wedding planning, her dad just got engaged to someone she had a negative past with, she had some issue with her mom not being around enough and she was, as I quote from her 2 days before the break up "having her time of the month". And it feel like it all collapsed and she made a rash decision. She did flip back and forth for about 5 days until calling it quits for good. So to me it feels unresloved and I feel blindsided. I guess today of all days makes it hurt that much more.

[mhowe]

It isn't unresolved. She was ambivalent about getting married and she.pulled the plug.

Blaming 'that time.of the month" is hilarious.

[lionheart153]

It isn't unresolved. She was ambivalent about getting married and she.pulled the plug.

Blaming 'that time.of the month" is hilarious.

 

I'm not blaming anything, it was something she said to me a few days before when she snapped at me over something silly.

[Liraele]

Would you really want to marry someone who chose to bail on you rather than talk or work through your problems/her problems/life?

 

Even if you did take her for granted and that is why she left... she still bailed, rather than working through the issues with the person she claimed to want to marry. Rather than talking to you about it. Rather than communicating with you.

 

When you get nostalgic, try to remember that.

 

It's OK to miss her. It's OK to be sad. It's even OK to want to reconcile with her. You should get your head on straight first, if you do plan to reach out and attempt a reconciliation. If you reconcile, you will eventually need to know what caused her to drop the relationship like a bad penny, and you will need strong communication afterward. For all of that... you have to patch yourself up, first.

[lionheart153]

Wow, that really helped. thank you. You are right I do need to work on myself first. I guess today being V-day really hit me hard. Every year I did something speacil for her. I had a moment of weakness. Its back to NC. I don't think I can plan to reach out to attempt a reconciliation. She seems happy or at least enjoying her life now, I had a moment of weakness and looked at her instagram from a friends phone. Bad idea... she seems happy and hopefully one day I can just be happy with that. If she ever reaches out to me, well ill face that if it ever happens I guess. Thanks