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complicated...girl flirts with my bf


martymoose

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long story short: boyfriend and I work together (I know that already complicates things enough)

This other girl works with us. She has a boyfriend but they are so off and on. She constantly flirts with my boyfriend, in front of my face and behind my back. She has asked him to lunch multiple times, last week she was trying to "help him" she reached up and turned his necklace around because it was on backwards. she didnt tell him she just reached behind his neck and fixed it. another time she "accidently" grazed his leg.. come on now I saw her go out of her way to do it.

Yesterday she asked him (i know she was joking but its still inappropriate) "what are you getting me for valentines day"

to MY boyfriend...he cant stand her so he avoids her but it is hard because we all work together. she tells other people at work that i dont let him talk to other girls. not true...

I know I should just shake her off, not let it bother me because I know he isnt going anywhere, he loves me and hates her but it REALLY bothers me!!!

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He can't stand her, he avoids her, but has he ever told her to leave him alone because he's doesn't appreciate her behavior? Because to me, someone who "hates" another person to the extent that your boyfriend claims would have made it crystal clear to her and to anyone else who spoke your language that "there is no there there". Meaning: there's nothing for her to gain with this behavior. Has he gone to management and said she's sexually harassing him? Because that's what she's doing. When he does that is when I would believe that he "hates" her and doesn't want the attention. The absence of that is nothing but hot air coming out of his mouth.

 

Your best bet is to let him handle it. You going in acting crazy will backfire in your face. Stomach it until your boyfriend puts his foot down on it or find another job where you don't have to watch it.

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Your boyfriend needs to step it up by telling her to back off.

 

She probably wouldn't think to look at him if he was single; most women love to compete and win the "prize." It gives them a sense of accomplishment to compete and work for the affection of a man who belongs to someone else. It's a game basically, that's all it is. #gagging

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Agree with the others, your BF will have to take her aside and say, "Look, I need you to respect my personal boundaries. It kind of creeps me out when you touch me, personal space and all you know?" That will shut her down, otherwise him saying nothing is to her way of thinking his tacit consent that what she's doing is acceptable. She's pushing boundaries to see if he likes her and when he says nothing to her that means he's open to the idea. You cannot shut someone down like that by ignoring them, they will just keep escalating until you speak up. Walking away and avoiding these types of people, men and women, doesn't work since half of what's going on is in their head and they are just not the brightest bunch of people to begin with. Yeah, think about it, she's pretty dumb to be doing something like that in the workplace in front of his girlfriend, so you know she doesn't have the smarts to figure out he doesn't like her from unspoken cues. So he needs to man up and speak up.

 

Or if he's too afraid to do that (rolls eyes) then he talks to your HR Department and they say something to her, because it's highly inappropriate to get touchy-feely like that in the workplace regardless of whether it's a man or woman. Even a simple, "Don't do that," then frowning at her and walking off will go a long way to shutting her down. You can protest all you want, but she'll just think then that that means you're controlling him and she'll take his not speaking up as a sign to just do it behind your back, because hey he still must want it if he hasn't said anything. Sorry, he's going to have to set boundaries the same way you would if a guy were always brushing up against and you and getting touchy. Men do have to learn this skill as well.

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>>he cant stand her so he avoids her

 

Well, it doesn't sound like she's a threat to your relationship, but he's really wimping out if he doesn't tell her to knock it off. So this is really his problem to solve. Or he should just avoid her if the work situation makes it awkward.

 

the other thing is there is always a chance of where there's smoke there's fire... if he's not actively telling her to knock it off, perhaps he does enjoy it a bit and doesn't want to tell you, or there is more going on there than you know about.

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This chick... is my least favorite kind of person on this Earth. She is the type that has a very fragile ego. So crush it.

 

Yes, he ought to be standing up and telling her to knock it off. Just "avoiding" these kinds of hussies isn't enough. They assume that the guy is shy. It really takes a "No, you're not attractive, you're disgusting, back off, I don't like you" for them to leave you alone.

 

I really don't respect men who are taken who don't stand up for themselves. My boyfriend was flirted with (in front of me) by some girl and he told her to knock it off and had to block her # and everything. She was a psychotic hussy but she finally left him alone but if he hadn't said anything, she would still be around!

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(Coming from a male perspective) It can be very difficult and very risky to shut down that kind of behavior. You think men don't like getting rejected? Women _really_ don't like it. Things could get ugly, she could get mad, vindictive, turn the tables on him, claim it was him that is harassing her, get him fired, take him to court etc etc. Especially since he doesn't really seem (from what you've written) got anything concrete that can be categorized as harassment proper as recognized by law. (her hand grazed my knee isn't going to cut it in a court of law)

 

She has already shown herself to be unstable, crazy and mean, things could get worse.

 

You're b/f is passive about this, alas, passive people have a breaking point and then to come out too strong when they do. Beware.

 

It also sounds like this girl is trying to bug YOU about it. Don't let her see you be disturbed by this.

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Yes, he ought to be standing up and telling her to knock it off. Just "avoiding" these kinds of hussies isn't enough. They assume that the guy is shy. It really takes a "No, you're not attractive, you're disgusting, back off, I don't like you" for them to leave you alone.

 

I really don't respect men who are taken who don't stand up for themselves. My boyfriend was flirted with (in front of me) by some girl and he told her to knock it off and had to block her # and everything. She was a psychotic hussy but she finally left him alone but if he hadn't said anything, she would still be around!

 

You are absolutely right Fudgie, but what he does that and it doesn't stop? What then? Psychotic people are psychotic.

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(Coming from a male perspective) It can be very difficult and very risky to shut down that kind of behavior. You think men don't like getting rejected? Women _really_ don't like it. Things could get ugly, she could get mad, vindictive, turn the tables on him, claim it was him that is harassing her, get him fired, take him to court etc etc. Especially since he doesn't really seem (from what you've written) got anything concrete that can be categorized as harassment proper as recognized by law. (her hand grazed my knee isn't going to cut it in a court of law)

 

She has already shown herself to be unstable, crazy and mean, things could get worse.

 

You're b/f is passive about this, alas, passive people have a breaking point and then to come out too strong when they do. Beware.

This.

 

This is why he needs to file harassment report to his supervisor first and have documentation on everything she has done/said to him. Dates and times that document her actions in writing. Witnesses too (OP being one of them) to confirm her behavior being unprofessional.

 

Either that or he digs the attention he gets from her.

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You are absolutely right Fudgie, but what he does that and it doesn't stop? What then? Psychotic people are psychotic.

 

As Snny said, if she doesn't stop, then it's harassment and it can be reported to the proper people. Yes, psycho women are PSYCHO but that's what HR and the police are for, if block buttons don't stop.

 

I've been around many psycho people and have been unfortunate to have psycho people come into my life when I don't want them there. It takes some courage but you have to extract them from your life eventually. If you don't, you will pay a price later. Don't be "cool" with their mistreatment/craziness when they are inflicting themselves upon you.

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