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Can her feelings change that quick?


dantheman1

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Hi guys.

 

Ok so quick back story:

 

We both met at college (uni) and were really close friends living together in halls for a year - flirting etc, but never actually entered into a relationship. At the start of 2nd year we fell into the exact same relationship as in 1st year but because she didn't know whether she wanted to commit I basically said 'lets just be friends' which she hated and decided that that was her only shot and so she took it and we got together.

 

Had 2 great years together (first serious relationship for the both of us) and it completely clicked, we talked about everything - where we wanted to live and she often used to tell me about how excited she was for us to live together and to marry me and to have a real life together. She then started a new job a 6/7 months ago and is living a couple of hours away from me in the big city (I currently don't have a job in that area).

 

Everything was normal till a month and a half/2 months ago when she said she wanted to go on a break because she felt differently. Went on a break for 2 weeks (no contact) and then got back together and talked about it all. She said she wanted to take things slower as work was pretty full on, to which I said that was fine. Everything seemed to go back to normal (planning holidays etc) till a couple of weeks ago when she blindsided me by saying she didn't want to be in the relationship anymore because she felt differently and was worried we had differences. So I asked her if she still loved me, did she still care about me, was she still attracted to me etc and she said yes to all of it, said she couldn't imagine herself with anyone else. But her feelings have still changed and she couldn't explain it in any other way but rather than working at it she just wanted to cease all contact.

 

So I haven't a clue what to do. I've made it clear how I feel and that I would do anything for her (and I genuinely would, I would have stuck by her through thick and thin), and I know that really that's all I can do. But yet I still feel helpless. A few months ago she was one person, and now it feels like I'm talking to someone completely different. I would have thought that any major differences between us would have become apparent sooner into the relationship (and that's not taking into consideration the fact that we were really close for a full year before we got together).

 

I'm basically just confused. I know I have to just get on with my life now, but for me you don't just give up at the first hurdle if you really do love someone, which is what it seems like she has done.

 

Has anybody else been in this situation before?

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Real life, new job ---- most college romances due not survive the transition.

Add to that long distance and the possiblity she has met someone else.

 

It happens. My bf at the time moved to Chicago --- a 9 hr drive. He went to grad school, I was working. We lasted 1.5 yrs --- and he got someone pregnant.

End of relationship.

 

At least she has told you that she is done. I was not told anything until I made plans to visit.

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Fair enough, I get that some people when they get to the 'real world' they don't have time for each other and things, however I saw her 2 days before we split up and we were talking about what we were going to do at the weekend (and she was coming up with suggestions, it wasn't just me), and the day before we split up she was texting my mum. Even the day we split up we were talking normally and then out of nowhere she said it. I would have thought she would have started to withdraw from the relationship a bit rather than continue to plan things even though she knew what she was about to do.

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She's met someone there. She will tell you no because it's still new and she doesn't know if it will work, but that is why. Yes, there is work, too, but if you two had connection, etc., before this, there is no reason why work should interfere with that unless you were unreasonably demanding of her time. Doesn't sound like that was the case here.

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The first "break" was the indication...2 months ago. Since then, her heart has really not been in it. She tried to stay in tune --- and just couldn't.

 

^This. Also, it only seems sudden to you because you just found out. The reality is that she has been struggling with this for quite some time already, including working up the courage to finally pull the trigger.

 

Also, I think it's completely absurd to assume that there must be someone else just because you got dumped. What she told you about changing values and goals is probably the truth. She has been growing and changing, getting out into the real world and her job, her priorities and values are no longer aligned with yours. She has faced that reality and decided it's time to part company. The difficult part with being dumped is that you didn't have any problems with the relationship, you didn't change, you still want what you want. It's tough to move past that. However, the best way to move past that is to respect the other person's decision and recognize that it wasn't made lightly.

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Real life and new experiences presenting in the big city that she's in. It happens. People change quite easily in new environments. You can be who you think you are in college and get out and see what the world has to actually offer you and it changes you.

She could be telling the truth about her not feeling the same anymore and work is just a huge roll in her life right now and she cant focus on anything else. It does happen.. but it could mean she could of met someone who she starting to have feelings for and its confusing her as well. Distance is hard and new advantures in a new city with new friends and a new environment can take a twist turn on relationships and people.

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