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ive been unfaithful to my boyfriend and am trying to figure out why


meggameg

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I no there are many reasons I can say why that are all obvious and on the outside..im trying to figure out the big picture of why I or anyone else cheats in general. I dont really want to hurt him...I dont think im a y the way he does when I cheat. I never do because im trying to get back at him because he doesnt cheat on me. Why do people do this? I dont hate myself. I want to change tho...is there a place for a relationship after the cheating has taken place? Or am I fighting a lost cause. He does love me but ive hurt him and I dont no if it can b repaired.

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Selfishness and weakness. Sex and attention is rewarding so we seek it. However a relationship is a commitment meaning you make certain sacrifices. Sex with other people is one of them, well at least in a monogamous relationship.

 

Of course you can change but first and foremost you need to stop looking for a reason to justify your cheating. Own up to it, self reflect and identify certain behaviors that was conducive to your cheating and alter them.

 

Yeah a relationship can recover after infidelity but it is very difficult, I would suggest having a third party help you guys mediate communication (relationship counselor).

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I no there are many reasons I can say why that are all obvious and on the outside..im trying to figure out the big picture of why I or anyone else cheats in general. I dont really want to hurt him...I dont think im a y the way he does when I cheat. I never do because im trying to get back at him because he doesnt cheat on me. Why do people do this? I dont hate myself. I want to change tho...is there a place for a relationship after the cheating has taken place? Or am I fighting a lost cause. He does love me but ive hurt him and I dont no if it can b repaired.

 

At the end of the day, you cheated because you wanted to. Period. Fin.

 

You had the choice to do it or not do it and you chose to do it.

 

Your best bet is to work with a therapist to find out why you allow your selfishness (of which cheating requires a huge dose) to obliterate your commitment to your relationship; why instead of going to your boyfriend to talk to him about the disconnect in your relationship, you reach for something which you know is going to gut him.

 

It's not going to be repaired in the short term, that's for sure, so stop trying to make the focus on keeping your boyfriend and the familiarity he brings. Your actions are screaming that you dont' want what he brings--otherwise, you wouldn't do anything so harmful if that wasn't true. People who don't want to cheat, don't. They don't put themselves in situations where the likelihood is possible. They don't invent fiction to justify why they did what they wanted to do. When approached with an offer, they decline and put distance between themselves and the one trying to lure them away.

 

No one can make a grown person do what they have no intention on doing of their own volition.

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Bingo with what the others say. You need to learn that 10 minutes of pleasure can cause a lifetime of pain and that it's just not enough incentive to follow through with cheating. Also find out what's missing in your relationship and/or explore whether or not you're even meant to have a monogamous relationship. And if you can't then don't pretend it with anyone. In the end cheating and not cheating have to do with a) saying no to sex with others who aren't your partner the exact same way you'd say no to a syringe full of heroin or that tenth glass of wine--the end results of a quick hit of pleasure are just too damaging. You know this, so you walk away no matter what your body says since you are a thinking being and not an animal in heat who live by their biological impulses. AND b) you need to get really, really, REALLY honest with yourself. This isn't some magical "Oh I have no idea where that came from" thing. You know exactly why you cheated, but you don't want to admit it or you don't want to look at it. There's no shame in that, it's why most of us have issues of one sort or another, but if you can't dig down deep enough and get honest with yourself you are going to have to go get some help from a therapist or self-help books or something. Or you will end right back in the same bad place again.

 

As to your relationship who can say whether it will survive or not, but if you are serious about making it work and you really, really love your boyfriend and want a monogamous relationship the two of you will need to sit down and talk things out. No matter how unpleasant that may be now is the time to make amends to him and to have a deep talk about what's been missing in the relationship.

 

In my books there are two types of people who cheat: those who just don't really have empathy and who are extremely focused on themselves to the point that what they want will always rule all of their actions--i.e. serial cheaters fall into this category. They are also very aware of what they are and not willing to change. And you don't sound like that's what you are or frankly, your chances of posting your questions on this board would have been slim to none. You'd be making empty promises to your BF while figuring out where to get your next fix. Instead you sound like the other type of cheater, the one who has some sort of issue or issues with their relationship that aren't getting met and maybe because they're afraid or don't know how to ask to get what they need sooner or later someone attractive comes along and they find themselves trying to fill that void with someone else. But don't quite have the courage at the moment to just speak up about it all and stay honest and push temptation away while they try to either fix things or let the person they are with go. You sound a lot more like this second type of cheater and that can be fixed, but you are going to have to do some pretty heavy lifting with your entire life to find out why you'd try to slot in two or more men to take care of what only one should be able to provide.

 

Get some therapy, sit down and journal out your thoughts and feelings, take a look at what was going on in your life just prior to the cheating, take a long hard look at both your boyfriend and the other guy or guys you cheated on him with and yourself. You'll likely see the answer, but honesty is really the final key.

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Coming from a reformed serial cheater:

 

You are selfish and self-centered.

 

You don't have a good working concept of what it takes to make a successful relationship (commitment, compromise, sacrifice), or you do but aren't ready to put it into play.

 

You have low self-esteem and crave the bolstering effect that guys (or girls) give you when you are feeling bad about yourself.

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I no there are many reasons I can say why that are all obvious and on the outside..im trying to figure out the big picture of why I or anyone else cheats in general. I dont really want to hurt him...I dont think im a y the way he does when I cheat. I never do because im trying to get back at him because he doesnt cheat on me. Why do people do this? I dont hate myself. I want to change tho...is there a place for a relationship after the cheating has taken place? Or am I fighting a lost cause. He does love me but ive hurt him and I dont no if it can b repaired.

 

Its your own lack of self-esteem, insecurity and lack of self respect that makes you cheat. You are getting your self-worth through the attention of men that are stupid enough to be with you sexually while knowing that you are already in a relationship. Work on your love of self and you'd get out of a relationship that even though there is love, it is unfulfilling for you but you stay anyway and continue trying to get your self-worth through the attention of men rather then through your being proud of your own accomplishments.

 

Lack of personal boundaries has also got a lot to do with why you cheat. If you have no personal boundaries, no "morals" as some call it (rather then boundaries) then you end up doing things that you know will hurt others but you don't care and do it anyway. So work on your personal boundaries that you form that you will not cross and you will not let anyone cross on you. That way, you'll not allow yourself to get to the stage of lust for another and you'll stop your unfulfilling habits.

 

Google "Personal Boundaries" and start working on yourself from there.

 

Your proclivity has nothing to do with you "needing to fulfil some wild oats" or be single and party. You will always cheat if you don't work on YOU and start loving yourself enough to stop doing what you're doing.

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