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Jealousy...


davejc90

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Hello enotaloners!

 

I was wondering if you could offer some relationship wisdom.

 

I've been in an official relationship for just over 3 months now and off to Paris for Valentines day - apart from the odd argument or two we've been all good.

 

However, recently, as the relationship has become more serious I've become more parnoid and jealous, which I haven't acted on and unsure whether I should.

 

My gf has started a new job in the last 6 months, working at a gym, that turned my head a little as she'd be surrounded by beefed up men 40 hours a week but then I thought i was being ridiculous. Recently she's been hanging out with a new group of work colleagues quite a lot, going out drinking and staying out quite late, now this isn't too much of a wory for me, I go out with my mates all the time. However, I've started to get these sneaky feelings that maybe there's something between her and someone who works with her- she tends to go majorly out of her way to see this group of people, even quite late when she finishes work at 10/11 pm. I then recieved texts off her which tend to be quite lovey dovey, almost as if she's over compensating, one that confused me was she replied with 'Okay boyfriend'. Perhaps I'm looking too much into it, perhaps I've just become a jealous and paronid fool but would be grateful for any views you may have!

 

I almost checked her phone the other day to see who she has been texting and if any of the blokes have been inviting her out as she tends to be recieving text messages, fb messages etc at all hours and quite a lot too- ridiculus i know.... but I stopped myself and went for a ciggie instead.

 

I don't want to become that guy and I want to nip these suspicoions and my jealous behaviour before I drive my relationship into the ground and drive myself insane!

 

I've also noticed a drop off in the way she acts around me, she use to be a lot more touchy feely and her texts use to be a lot warmer - maybe it's just the end of the honeymoon period?

 

Thanks for listening to my rambling and welcome to all feedback, harsh or not

 

P.s Mods, please move if I've posted in the wrong place!!

 

Dave

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I am going to give you congrats right off the bat from stopping yourself from looking through her phone. I know its tough when you start having these suspicions because you just want to know. But if you tried to confront her if you did find something, the argument always leads away from the actual accusation and on the fact that you invaded privacy so congrats.

 

As for all these suspicion - have you tried talking to her about any of this yet? Sometime telling the other person how you feel may open their eyes to what they are doing is actually effecting you too. Right now she thinks you are okay with her going out at all hours with the people she works with so she doesnt see it a problem.

 

Really it all comes down to communication, you need to discuss these things with her and tell her how you feel.

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I think you're being paranoid. If you go looking for problems, you're gonna find them. The problem with snooping is that once you do it...you'll keep doing it. Then you'll find something that will piss you off. It's a slippery slope. Just don't do it. Everyone ....even married couples need privacy. Would you like her snooping through your things? Keep that in mind...

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There's nothing you can do. You're trying to control a situation [and how another person feels/acts] that cannot be controlled. All you can do is enjoy the relationship and the time you spend with her.

 

In one breath you say the texts are overcompensating, now you're saying they're not as warm? I think you are looking for issues to fit your suspicions.

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It sounds like she's had this lifestyle and job long before you came along. She is the same person you met. ...she probably always got texts/FB messages at all hours, probably always went out late with friends and probably always went out of her way to have a little fun with her friends. She also worked at the gym before you started dating so that's always been her job. You can't control that guys at the gym will/won't be attracted to her, talk to her, ask her out etc. The only thing you can do is trust her.

If you don't, stop dating her.

I think you're looking for trouble and risking driving the relationship into the ground like you said you fear.

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Is there any reason you don't join her with these friends once in awhile? Then you'd be able to meet them and get to know them too. That goes a very long way to alleviating any jealousy since it sounds like it's more about whatever blanks your imagination is trying to fill than it is based on hard facts. Also then you'd be able to see these people she hangs out with as real people, not faceless somebodys and if there is indeed something going on you'd see that too. Go hang out with them all, bring your friends, make it a party. You might make some new friends out of the deal too and you and your girlfriend would become closer through going out, which is something couples should do often. Sitting at home with your SO can get boring after awhile and it may just be she likes going out regardless of who it's with and they're just there offering that opportunity. Go participate and then if she doesn't want you along it's time to worry.

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Is there more to this story that explains that feeling in your gut?

 

Like, you were cheated on by your last girlfriend, or you caught her doing something shady when you first started dating but ignored it, or you have had this problem with past partners of being jealous and suspicious, or . . . What's really going on here?

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Do you believe that GF is a trustworthy person?

 

Have you become suspicious about prior GFs?

 

The thing to determine is whether you don't generally trust women or whether GF has said or done something to set off your radar about her, specifically.

 

These would be two different approaches.

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