Talk about your breakup makes it harder to move on?

[jenbrooks]

I'm not sure if this applies to folks on here or not, but do you guys find it harder or it seems to take longer to move on when you talk about your breakup a lot?

 

Maybe those who don't post on the forums about the breakup too much don't develop obsessive behavior of relying on ENA to solve their problems? Maybe if they don't talk too much about it, they will move on faster?

 

Maybe being on here could delay the healing process because of the obsessive behavior of hoping to get support and answers to something you may never find?

 

This is more of a curiosity. Thoughts everyone?

[Kam2014]

I also had this thought when I joined this site. I guess it has something to do with it as you end up talking to people in similar situations which makes you focus more on the BU. But I still think it is a good way to get some motivation and positivity to try and let go. I know that I am generally an anxious person and I want to try and save people - in my case my bf ended it after getting scared of the closeness...I know I can't do anything about but deep down I wish I could save him and help him open up emotionally so that he will choose me rather than be more comfortable in casual RS's - it is just who I am.

 

So coming on here helps me to open up and just vent these stupid wishes that I know are irrational instead of messaging him!! I know I will think about it regardless as it is who I am...I was born a worrier! But it is getting less and less.

 

Also, my thoughts affect me when I am at work, like now, which itself is demading and stressful, so instead of keepng on thinking, I write here. Then get on with my job.

[RougeQueen]

I post on here when the emotional pain gets to the point where I have to do something or I'll implode heart first. Being able to just take it all and type it out leaves me with a huge sense of relief afterwards that then let's me go about my day almost normally till the next wave hits. From past experience I know that over time and as healing progresses I'll come here less and less as the pain starts to fade and it's to a manageable point until one day I realize it's been weeks since the last time I was on. I'm sure everyone views it their own way but this is my opinion.

[aphrodite13]

I was in my 30th day of nc when I joined ENA. I read a lot of forums. I posted my story too. Got some replies which made me feel good. Read some forums from males who are lonely because of BU. Then I thought of my ex, I wondered if my ex is also lonely. I broke nc on the 32nd day. We talk and he sounds happy and seems he moved on. I felt happy and sad. I miss him. I went back NC and I'm on my 7th day of nc but I feel better now compared during my 30th day of NC.

 

ENA is helping me how to handle situation based on others' experiences. Made me realized that there are more worst stories than I have and I feel fortunate in a way. Sometimes I find myself smiling on some post that relates to me. I joined in some forums too which makes me feel better. When I miss my ex I just come here and read forums which is my daily routine for now.

[jonyyy]

For me it helps moving on because talking about the BU banalizes/vulgarizes it. Hence it makes less painful. But beware to not obsess about it.

[Ani87]

I think even if it seems painful at the time... many people on here are looking for answers. Answers that explain their exs behaviour, why they feel so much pain etc. And you get a logical outside opinion here that clears the fuzzy cloud your head is in.

 

It may take longer perhaps but its better that holding it all in or obsessing over it.

[jonyyy]

And another thing, I reckon ENA forums complements the role of support network. Many people may not have the adequate support network and being here helps.

[jemoeder]

I rather post here Instead of constantly harrassing friends when my RS or BU is causing me yo stress out AGAIN.

 

It got to a point where i talked about it with most of my best friends and family. When it got better i was almost ashamed to bring her around.

[jenbrooks]

You guys are right. During the healing process, I can't imagine not talking about it, not being confused, and not for answers as a dumpee.

 

Some people don't talk about their breakup and I viewed them as super strong, but it could be because they were the dumper, they knew exactly what they wanted, they weren't as invested in the relationship, so they seemed to move on faster and cared less about the outcome.

 

For dumpees, we need all the support we can get, all the writing we can do until our wound is healed up, there aren't any questions left to answer, then we will find ourselves less and less on here, or maybe more just to help others that were like us.

 

Most days during the first month, its all about feeling like $hit, you name it, anxious, heart churning, asking why and what just happened to me. Talking about it to everyone that you see until your friends and your family are tired of it. At the end of the day, I can honestly tell you that, the forums tend to put you more in the right path than the advice you seek from your friends.

 

For example, some of my friends told me to date right away after the breakup, if he's moving on, why not you. Do the same. That was their way of solving problems. Then I talked to my therapist, who advised not, then on here, tough love and some really harsh advice but they mean well, to not date right away after breakup. I can tell you already, I am beginning to realize long term happiness vs short term happiness and that's what most of the heart broken folks do when they don't have the support and reach out to others things fall apart for them.

 

I think being active on here isn't bad, maybe I get obsessive, but that's probabaly because I am really broken. I can either get obsessive on here or get obsessive talking about it with friends, until they disappear from me lol.

 

Or I can just do nothing, sit, plan, and figure out a way to get back with someone who treated me badly during bad times.

 

Typed this on my phone while exercising, sorry for the bad grammar or spelling errors.

[jphcbpa]

Then I talked to my therapist, who advised not, then on here, tough love and some really harsh advice but they mean well, to not date right away after breakup. I can tell you already, I am beginning to realize long term happiness vs short term happiness

 

very healthy. I had friends suggest the same thing. In the end you have to go with your gut.

 

imo, being on this forum helps you see more clearly along with NC. as time goes on, you will be able to give back what was so freely given to you. that helps everyone!

[Liraele]

After a period of time, I had to step away from the site for a bit because I felt like talking about the emotions and trying to help others who had gone through a breakup was keeping me tied to the experience.

 

However, the ability to get it out and vent someplace where I knew I wasn't completely alone was a tremendous help to me during the first phases of healing.

[mbee]

ENA was super helpful for the first few months after the BU. It helped me realize my situation was really not that unique and showed a distinct pattern of an ex's behavior. It also showed me that people are in worst situations. Giving and receiving advice was a great way for me to cope. I honestly think I would not have healed as well without the support of people on this forum.

 

Once I started getting over my breakup, I stopped using this forum. It did keep me tied to the situation in a way that I felt was harmful. I used to log on daily, but after 4 months tried to only log on once a week and searched other forums outside of "Healing After Breakup and Divorce" section. Now I'm happy to go on this section to help others, and can do that without feeling nostalgic or sad about the ex/breakup.

[TheGreatPotato]

I guess it could, but that all rather depends on who the conversation is with, and what it entails. I personally think that talking - at least to some degree - is the best way of moving on. Get all those bitter, depressive and resentful feelings out of your system. Scream, cry, shout... Get it out, get over it. Don't bury it down inside you.

[deejay74]

I'm the type that can't keep things bottled up inside. I talk about my problems until I can't talk about it or when I have nothing left to say.

 

That's the point it's gotten to with my therapist. For 4 months, all I could talk about was my ex and the BU but I was really there to work on myself. My therapist said we will be able to do that when I have nothing left to say about my ex. And now, I have been able to start working on the things I need to improve about me.

 

Also, regarding ENA, I agree that if you're on here too much, especially in this section, it can kind of keep you stuck. It has for me from time to time and I had to force myself not to come here.

 

But I am glad that it is here and it is a resource, it's just very easy to come here and wallow in your, and other people's, heartache.

 

But for me, I am a talker. I can't keep things to myself or I feel like I will explode with emotions at some point.

[Allipie]

I think even if it seems painful at the time... many people on here are looking for answers. Answers that explain their exs behaviour, why they feel so much pain etc. And you get a logical outside opinion here that clears the fuzzy cloud your head is in.

 

It may take longer perhaps but its better that holding it all in or obsessing over it.

 

THIS

sometimes i am looking for answers, sometimes i just need to vent what I am thinking. I am an anxious/emotional person and sometimes everything is too much and i need to put it out there.

And yes, sometimes you need someone on the internet to knock you back into logical thinking.

[Lonewing]

It's always good to have a place where you can vent, whereas your local friends and family will very quickly get overloaded to the point they never want to hear about it again. So what do you do?

 

There's here - and it's good, to hear you're Not going insane!

[Is there hope]

Hello to everyone!

 

My story is that I broke up with me ex in December but she wanted to call me regularly and like a fool, I realize now, I went along with it. She wanted to see me over the holidays and after NY. Long story short she wanted to get back together. I left her city and she told me we are a couple again. Literally two days after I left she was already with another man. I am indifferent towards her three weeks on and NC. She calls me on the phone from a PRIVATE number and hangs up on me... She can do as she pleases...

 

Bottom line this forum has helped me get my priorities straight. Sure I go through the venting , swearing, crying, you-name-it phases but by talking about it here I get comfort in the fact that I need to go it alone and rip everything that reminds me of her out of my life.

 

I went out of my way to help her. In one instance I basically wrote an academic project for her that will get her awarded her degree!! What a schmuck. I regret all of it. I helped while she lied and emotionally cheated on me.

 

I even still have a letter ready to send her that basically says that she did not have the decency to tell me she changed her mind about getting back together before starting something new with someone else! Will I send it now that I have asked for insight here? H^LL( NO!

 

Friends told me she is just a user, but I refused to see it because I was afraid of being alone... Well I am alone now and I am not really that sad. I have a few close friends that I keep in contact with.

 

Mostly though I have de-idolized her and this relationship. Also in here I found the comfort in knowing that there are indeed women that will not act that way towards me. I was fixated on one woman thinking she could give me all I was looking for. Forget that, I am now doing things for me and it is so foreign to me. I am ashamed to admit but it feels so different to do things for me that give me enjoyment. Simply jogging puts a smile on my face.

 

If I feel the need I will keep writing here and sharing as a mode of therapy.