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Did I do the right thing? I don't feel like it.


bluevacuum

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So I met this girl online. We went out on a date, I find out that she has a super sweet personality, very bubbly, and just seems like an overall cool person. We got along really well and had a blast. We spent 6 hours together and didn't want it to end. We dove into each other's dating history and I was 11 months out from my last relationship and she was 7 months out. I was cheated on in my last relationship. She was dating someone who was verbally abusive and a cross-dresser. We ended our date and couldn't stop texting each other. Eventually I ask her out again and she says yes. I was excited about our second date and we text each other over the next few days and she decides to back out.

 

I have a feeling in my gut that something is off and I ask her why. She let's me know that it's complicating and she'll tell me later. I told her that's fine and that she should take care of whatever she needs to do. I was really relaxed about it and she eventually told me that she is still in a relationship with her ex, they don't talk, they don't have sex, there isn't any emotion according to her. She doesn't know how to break up with him but does admit to like me.

 

I told her that I am not interested in pursuing a girl in a relationship as I've been cheated on and I will not be that guy. I let her know that I don't want to complicate her situation and I will remove myself from the equation. She lets me know that she is sad about the whole thing and understands my decision about respecting her relationship and setting a boundary.

 

In my last text, I did mention that if she was ever single, she knows how to get in contact with me.

 

I'm pretty conflicted with my decision, I know it's the right thing to do but I don't feel right about it. We had intense chemistry and I haven't felt this way about someone in a long time. However, there are red flags... The lying about not being a relationship. The not being able to break up with him. After thinking about it, I suspect she lives with him as she mentioned she has a male roommate. Despite all of this, part of me still wants to pursue her. This is a bad idea and I want to know why am I placing so much value in this girl that I just met. I'm usually pretty good about cutting things off and walking away and not giving it much thought. But I'm questioning this decision... PLEASE TALK SOME SENSE INTO ME. I really want to text or call her but I keep reminding myself that it isn't worth it. It's starting to really bother me.

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You did EXACTLY the right thing, brother.

 

Whatever her reasons, she's not interested enough in you for you to put all your eggs in her basket, so it's best to just move on and find a girl who WILL be worth your time.

 

If you text/call now, the BEST you'll get is more halfhearted explanations as to why "she's not ready" or still hung up on her ex. Whatever man - she can save that for her therapist, not waste YOUR time crying on your shoulder when nothing will come of it.

 

So you had a great first date. That's not bad. Just appreciate the memory and remind yourself there's girls out there who will give you a much more satisfying SECOND date... and beyond!

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Youve done everything perfectly for now! Stay confident in your decision and know that she needs to be mature enough to let go of her current relationship. I admire the way you've handled the situation thus far and completely feel you've made the right moves and you need to just stay on this path dont veer off.

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Here I'll try to help you get your mind back on track.

 

1. You've been on ONE date. A first date where you talk for hours and have amazing chemistry... no offense but this is typical for any good date. It has no bearing on a future relationship. The last guy I was seeing... we were a terrible match ultimately but had amazing chemistry and could talk for hours, the first and subsequent dates afterward. Means ultimately nothing in the large scheme of things.

 

2. She's a liar. She told you her dating history which was a lie. No matter how you cut it, she's a liar.

 

3. She's a cheater. She met you on a dating website. She's ACTIVELY cheating. You aren't some guy she randomly met and fell in love with. She is LOOKING for guys and doesn't give a crap about hurting her ex. This is in conflict with someone who you believe is sweet and nice.

 

4. You are the rebound, an escape from her current relationship. Bluevacuum I remember your past threads. You know what has been said about rebounds and the person that agrees and is okay with cheating? You want to be that person. You are being used so that she can get over this guy. You agreeing to this will only show you that you also are okay with cheating for selfish reasons.

 

You are having a hard time letting go because this is the first girl you clicked with in awhile. But she has proven herself to be a liar, to ultimately not care about hurting the guy she's currently with, and who isn't brave enough to just end a relationship. You have known this girl for ONE day. You know nothing about her. You know in 6 hours you had a lot of fun thinking she was single, available, went through a rough breakup almost a year ago and is in a similar situation to you. That was before finding out that hey all of that was a lie, and not only was she okay lying to you, she was okay talking to you about how badly your ex hurt you by CHEATING on you, while she's doing the same thing which leads me too...

 

#5 She is a hypocrite.

 

Too many red flags. Run! You can do so much better. Don't even wait till she's single. I see too much drama with this girl.

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Oh and #6: She sounds like one of those women who plays the victim. Here she is complaining about how this guy is a cross dresser and a verbal abuser, yet she's still with him. Clearly she's taking NO RESPONSIBILITY OR ACCOUNTABILITY for her actions. That's a sign of a lack of maturity. It also shows that if you guys got in a relationship most likely whenever things went wrong, suddenly it was all YOUR fault. She has no idea how to break up with her boyfriend when they don't talk or have sex... I had no idea how to break up with my ex because we did talk, have sex and had good times. If things were bad all the time, that would make it easy. She's taking no responsibility for her actions and prefers being inactive.

 

Your a smart guy I'm sure you'll start seeing how blatantly obvious this all is soon.

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You guys are all right. Thank you for talking sense into me. I spoke to my friend and he said my expectations were too high since I am the type who likes to be in relationships. I had too much of high hopes and this was a let down. Plus it's the first date I've been on so I'm investing too much as he put it.

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Yes, you should stay away. And STOP DATING. You are 11 months out of a relationship, but nowhere near healed.

 

Ms. Darcy is correct. You have too many high hopes like you said yourself. Dating is a long and annoying process. And obviously you want to avoid people who are toxic or bad matches for you. You really need to be healed before embarking on that journey.

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I'm going to get yelled at haha.

 

She sent me a message on skype and we started talking. She clarified 2 things but not everything because she was replying on her phone and is out and about. I'm sure this doesn't make a difference but I wanted to talk about this.

 

So she isn't dating the cross dresser. They were broken up 7 months ago, so she was honest about that part. She is dating an old ex but didn't clarify what was going on there. I'm interested in an explanation if she provides one but I'm not pushing it.

 

In regards to me not being ready to date, how will I know when I'm ready to date?

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I'm going to get yelled at haha.

 

She sent me a message on skype and we started talking. She clarified 2 things but not everything because she was replying on her phone and is out and about. I'm sure this doesn't make a difference but I wanted to talk about this.

 

So she isn't dating the cross dresser. They were broken up 7 months ago, so she was honest about that part. She is dating an old ex but didn't clarify what was going on there. I'm interested in an explanation if she provides one but I'm not pushing it.

 

In regards to me not being ready to date, how will I know when I'm ready to date?

 

The same point applies. Bluevacuum, you are coming off as desperate. Why are you still entertaining the idea of being with this woman? How has the situation changed? Now she's dating an old ex... her stories are already confusing you.... it's been one date... you need to let it go and move on. There are millions of women available to you, and you are acting like this is your only opportunity for finding a partner and already making justifications for her actions, ignoring the red flags and frankly, for someone who was recently cheated on... I really don't understand your logic.

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The same point applies. Bluevacuum, you are coming off as desperate. Why are you still entertaining the idea of being with this woman? How has the situation changed? Now she's dating an old ex... her stories are already confusing you.... it's been one date... you need to let it go and move on. There are millions of women available to you, and you are acting like this is your only opportunity for finding a partner and already making justifications for her actions, ignoring the red flags and frankly, for someone who was recently cheated on... I really don't understand your logic.

 

I agree. You will be more ready when you are not so desperate to date someone who is clearly such a terrible choice.

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