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9 years and a child.....karma is 10 fold.

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This is my attempt at expressing and consciously choosing to move forward in life, one smile at a time. It's been almost 4 months since we have been separated and it still lingers on, as it naturally should. We were together for what would of been 9 years this past new years and my life at 27 has definitely changed since. This will be a bit in depth but I want to get out all of my thoughts, failures, and fears and have them publicized to you all for mutual support, respect, and counseling. Reading others past experiences and current emotional mindset has really been an eye opener into the importance of constructive feedback. I hope this will help others somehow.


When I was in college around 2004 I met this beautiful, young, Caribbean girl named "Mary." We met through mutual friends and we would all hang out at bars or clubs since the school we attended did not necessarily have the campus lifestyle. All of us would dance, have fun, be silly, and think nothing of it. Mary was a very happy, positive, young spirited girl that really captured my attention. We were friends for about a year and I noticed myself falling for her. I told a mutual friend about this and he said "man, let it go it's just a fluke."


I realized that I was, after a year, approaching the "friends zone" and needed to act. FAST. I built up the courage while talking to her on the phone and told her that I liked her. She replied, I like you too, then I said no I REALLY like you. She hesitated, but then suddenly replied with a similar gesture. We began dating that fall and things were amazing. I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend on New Years at midnight and that's where our story began.


It was heavenly bliss, as it usually is. We would think about each other, spend countless hours exploring each others body, sleep the day away and just be a young in love couple. For the first 6 months or so it was a dream. She was so in love with me and I could feel it in every action and gesture she made. Prior to this, my longest relationship had been 6 months and usually because I would lose interest in the girl. Not this time. I really liked this one.


After the first year, I started noticing certain flaws, as most would after the honey moon period. I still really liked her and she was even more in love with me but my mind began to wonder. She was living at her mom's and not really working but would stay with me for 1-2 weeks at a time, which I didn't mind but made me question things. Sometimes she would either go to visit her family in the Caribbeans or travel for a modeling or video gig. During one of these trips, I found myself hanging out with another girl and unfortunately made the dumb decision to make out with her. Alcohol was involved, but it definitely was not what pushed me over the edge. After that incident and upon her return, I was so fraught with guilt and shame that I did the only thing I knew to do. Confess.


It was awful. She was an emotional mess. I felt horrible about it. But I felt, at the time, it was the right thing to do. It took a little while but eventually we were back to being okay. I could tell that now and ever since, I had killed the spirit of love inside her, even if only a little bit.


Something that I have always been raised by has been to be a go getter and diligent in everything I do. I had dreams and aspirations of going to Japan or Korea and teach English before I got into this relationship. I still wanted to do it, but it seemed harder than before. Around the third year of the relationship I decided I would try and make that happen again. It hurt her to hear this, but she knew it's what I wanted. I tried to start the application process and what not and ultimately got rejected from the program. The mentality was still there. I wanted to run away. To be free. To go through a rite of passage of sorts and find out who I really am. Somehow, I felt that this wasn't with her by my side yet something kept me around.


As the years went by, she would sometimes go and visit her family, for maybe a month. My old self would get excited at this thought as if I had gained some freedom. Slowly my mentality began to change. When I would be around her or her friends I would become quiet, mildly annoyed and somehow a drag. I don't know what brought me to that state but maybe it had to do with me being unhappy in my situation yet not being able to let her go. I messed around once more with the girl I had kissed from before, but this time I did not tell her. I kept it to myself. And my soul slowly began to experience remorse.


My ex has has this condition called endometriosis (endo). It is a debilitating pain that spreads from a woman's uterus. This would cause her to be in excruciating pain sometimes to the point where I would have to take her to the hospital. It happened more than 6 times, at least. When she needed me the most I would seem to drown in this depressed "woe is me" state that I was so young (23ish) and felt like I had a broken girlfriend. It was rough for her but for me as well. At one time I caught myself catching her as she fainted and had to call the ER to have them come save her because she was unresponsive. Medical issues plagued the early years of our relationship and it made me feel overwhelmed and stressed. The inner voice and feeling inside me was one of pushing away and rejecting what was to me not what I wanted.


I eventually graduated college and found a different number of jobs. She had dropped out of college and was doing odd jobs here and there while still pursuing her modeling career, which was not really going anywhere. We were still happy and together, but it was my gut feeling inside still causing me to wonder and feel somewhat "off". At the time my friends where our friends and we would still do a lot of things together. It was nice, now that I look back at it but at the time I don't think I realized what I had or how I could better myself.


When 2010 had arrived, I was at a low point in my job hunt. I had no where to live and go and ended up moving to a friends hallway. She was also still having problems with her health and causing her to not fully be able to pursue college or work. I decided for us to have a baby, since all the reading I had done indicated that pregnancy causes the endo to "spread" and break apart. We had had a miscarriage before when I was in school and i remember feeling like my life was over once I heard she was pregnant, but her body rejected it. So this time I wanted to consciously have a child with her. And it happened.


Before the baby had been conceived, I had plans of visiting my family in Colombia. I had bought a ticket and had not seen my family in about 8 or 9 years. When the time came, She was about 6 months pregnant and I chose to go on my trip to visit my family. I arrived at my country and saw it with adult eyes for the first time. During one of my visits to family, I met this girl, a family friend. For the 4 days that I was there, I felt such a strong connection and emotion with this person. I also was having a mid life (20's) crisis because I was only 24 and about to be a young father. I was not prepared. Life had so much more to offer and my naive mind thought it was now hindered or closed off. So this Colombian girl was a representation of everything I could not have and wanted.


I arrived back home and maintained contact with the girl through Facebook. Bad Idea. As with all things, they will eventually come to light and one day I left my Facebook up and she got on and read all the love letters that I had left this girl. While she was pregnant. It absolutely destroyed her heart. And it will be a mistake that I will forever regret causing. I apologized profusely, she called my mother and we all talked, cried, and tried to make amends. Things had changed. Things were off. It was the beginning of the end.


Our daughter was born that summer and it slowly brought us closer. It also established boundaries between our now adult relationship. The baby became a priority, our sexual activity decreased, the burdens of raising a family on a limited budget were mine to bare, etc. She went the first year staying with the baby while I would work and go out occasionally (still being insecure about trusting me). My daughter brought me a lot of joy and a new sense of self was slowly being instilled. I was still working multiple jobs until I finally landed my first true full time job at an ad agency. Once again, my inability to remain faithful would rear its ugly face.


The job was amazing, fun, and new. The people were creative, unique, and culturally diverse. As always, there was a girl and this one girl was the complete opposite of what I had at home: driven, successful, intellectual, deep. It was unique and mind blowing. I have this habit of writing on moleskines (little black books) everything that I feel and began writing about this girl, we will call her Zara. Zara was on my mind, my dreams, everything. I would look forward to seeing her in the morning, stay late at work to try to talk to her. It was a mess. I kept looking everywhere else for change and not where it mattered most. Within. On one occasion, Jo found one of these little books and again, I broke her heart.


I never acted or did anything with Zara. It was simply a perpetual daydream. Slowly I began to lose interest or woke up to the reality of us not being able to be with each other. Since Zara was someone who, at that time, I could see myself spending my life with. Jo began to pull away from me slowly and I took notice. As I shut off my emotions for Zara, another girl at work named Randi, who I wasn't really interested in, began to pay me more attention.


When the baby's first bday arrived, we had planned a big party with many guest. That morning i was on my laptop and on Facebook when I see that she had left her Facebook up. I found messages of her talking to an old friend of hers and them discussing hooking up and what not. For the first time, the tables had turned and I felt the stabbing pain of mistrust. The profound sadness and anger that comes with it. It was a horrible day for me. We tried to have it work out that day. For the baby. But our relationship from that day had finally reached it's final descend. I now had issues of insecurity, but did not do the right thing in working our relationship out. I buried those emotions and continued on with our life.


At the ad agency, there was another girl who was all smiles and always enjoyed my company. Her name was Randi. She was not really my type but I could tell and feel the attention she would direct towards me. My home life at that time was not exactly positive other than the baby, and I felt this selfish need to let some sexual energy out due to the strain and stress of my job (very simple minded) and thus I began to fool around with this girl. Consistently.


During this period I attempted to move out because I had felt that I was completely losing my self and betraying everything that we had. Outside of this relationship and during this period, I was a very compassionate guy with a good heart. It just seemed like our relationship was getting very wary and I was not really in it anymore. Her flaws and lack of drive was constantly leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I tried but with no success, because I began to miss them (especially since it was now 7 years of our relationship). New Year arrived (anniversary) and I had an illuminating moment .


I was hired as a videographer for an out of town shoot in another state and since we were short on money, I took on the job. My intention was to take Randi and grab a hotel after the shoot and of course have fun all night long. The day I was getting ready to leave, I went to my office to pick up some batteries and when I was in the stock room, i found a quote someone had placed almost strategically for me to read. It was the commencement speech by Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola. If you have a chance, please read it. I will post the link below.


Once I read this, something was lifted. I realized that my relationship was being irrevocably damaged and that I was the cause of this pattern. I had to change. I called Randi and canceled our plans. I could not carry through one more deceitful moment to the mother of my child, especially on our anniversary. My acts had made me more insecure, unstable, needy, clingy, and paranoid around her. I was holding on to love too tightly but also throwing it around like it didn't matter. I didn't deserve her. My adult heart had blossomed and I wanted to save the last pieces of the unicorn heart.


Enter 2013. The final chapter. The baby was now 2 and she had made new friends. She had been going out more and more and without me. Her confidence was back, her body bounced back to normal and she was alive again. Slowly she began to exclude me from her activities. I bought her an iphone (worst idea ever) and I began to notice her activity on the phone completely rise and at all hours of the night. My paranoia began to affect me. I had dreams of her rejecting me, treating me like I wasn't even around and completely making me feel invisible. Nightmares. Multiple nightmares. But my subconscious mind could tell that this was coming. During this time I was pursuing other endeavors outside the ad agency, Randi had been fired for quite some time (no fault of mine) and I didn't even care about Zara anymore. I wanted to be the family guy. The man to protect and love what was special to me. But I had missed that opportunity.


I was involved in fashion and had an opportunity to move to NYC with my business partner. My plan was to start a 6 month plan and eventually move my family up there. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I was nervous but was willing to test myself and see if this was the rite of passage I had been searching for. I asked Jo if she thought we could make it through this and she gave me her blessing. But deep down she took this as me abandoning them. I moved up on February and one of the hardest month and a half of my life began. I would think about her constantly. Notice her pictures on Instagram when she would go out. Take pictures and find a random guy in there with her. Our phone conversations were very short, she would not be affectionate at all and almost have a distaste in talking to me. I could not work. I was constantly thinking about her. Depressed and alone, I told my business partner I had to go back. I was considering marrying her and told him abo ut it. I sent her flowers and she never really mentioned anything. When the thought of marriage came, my friend (who was the one that introduced us and was also my business partner ) talked to her discretely about the idea and she told him that she wasn't ready and hoped I would not propose. He said it pained him to tell me but he rather it hurt now and not be embarrassed. In our earlier years, she would constantly say she wanted to get married. She worked at a bridal shop, had the dress picked up and everything. Now she was repulsed by the idea and rightfully so. I had done so much wrong up until this point. Karma was in full force.


I moved back and tried to make things work. She was now living a new life it seemed. Constantly going out on the weekends, not invite me, talk on the phone with different people all the time and just keep me on the side. It was awful. I was so insecure, depressed, sad, angry, and losing control. At one point I had to help her with her iphone and found a text from a guy she was talking to. She ran to the bathroom and closed herself shut. I was so weak and desperate because I did not want to lose her. The old me would of taken this as an excuse to rid myself of her but now I could not live without her. We had been through so much but she had finally decided to shut off her emotions towards me and slowly cut me out.


October 27th, 2013. A Halloween party we attended "mutually" was taking place. I met up with her there and expected to hang out with her. Like old times. Not as parents or anything but as a couple. A couple that had fun together. But this was all an illusion. She treated me exactly as I had dreamt it. A stranger. She would talk to guy friends I had never even met and not even introduce me. I vividly remember her introducing me to someone as her "friend" and when I confronted her about it she totally denied it, but I wasn't drunk and am not deaf. It was a horrible experience. I felt so unwanted and rejected. I made her come to the car and talk to me and I asked her to stop doing this as I had before. She was so dead, cold, and unapproachable that I could not even take the pain anymore. I told her to just please break up with me because I was not able to. And that's exactly what she did. Just that. Ended it.


I lost my identity. I was so distraught and grief stricken by everything. It seemed unreal. I moved out. Found a random house to live in and attempted to dust myself of. I could not. She seemed ok by everything. I cried each night I would leave my job to go home to an empty house by myself. I became more paranoid at her social media that for my sanity I took her off. Before we broke up, she randomly decided to manage a DJ. She knew nothing about electronic music or managing. After we had broken up I found on her laptop a message that they had been messing around. It killed me even more. That she had moved on so quickly and relentlessly. I was helpless and alone.


Since I was the primary bread winner at the house, I continued to pay some of the bills. I tried to talk to her multiple times about us, but all she would state is that she doesn't know what she wants. I did not understand it. I was in limbo. Sometimes she would be affectionate towards me and kiss me or we would have sex and tell me things like "you still have control over me" and other times she seemed so distant and aloof. My purgatory was everywhere. I did not know what to do. I want her back but I don't know how to approach it. I wish she would just tell me why we can't work out or what we can do to move forward and start all over again. I found out so much dirty laundry during this period. Like she was talking to a guy when I moved back from NYC and mentioned me to him as an 'EX'. She had been emotionally disconnected for quite some time but was unwilling to do anything because she was afraid of making it on her own. During the last two years of our relations hip she asked me to help a guy cousin of hers to move in with us and out of his moms house. I did so because it was her family. He continues to be there and I don't think the loneliness has impacted her as much as it has me because she has him and our daughter.


I now sit here, 9 days away from 3 months of being split and trying to cope and learn from all this. Embracing my suffering. When I'm around her sometimes I get really sad, depressed or really short and blunt. I want to be happy again and keep things light and airy because that's the energy state she's in right now and that's the best possibility of me winning her back. I made so many mistakes and will forever have these scars but I feel as if she has made me into a better person. I don't know if she's going through a phase similar to mine but I am completely helpless in anything to persuade her. My biggest fear is that so much time will pass that I will just be a dream, an afterthought, and a thing of the past. I fell in love with her because of her heart and am so afraid that someone else will fill my place.


She has mentioned that she wants to make new memories with me but that right now she doesn't know. She sees me in her future but she doesn't know what she wants right now. I have frequently tried talking to her about the issue and I'm sure the pressure is pushing her away even more, as she has mentioned to me multiple times. I have to have more self control with my emotions. I am learning to be comfortable with uncomfortable situations. I am talking to other girls now but it seems empty and vapid when what I want does not want me in return. I held on too loosely at first and then held on too tightly towards the end and now she has removed herself. I pray for patience, strength, courage, and luck because I do believe it's possible for people to change. I changed. I am not the same man I once was. I care for her and her heart. My drive became my family and now that has changed.


During the last month of our relationship she started out of no where managing a "DJ". I thought it weird because she knew nothing about that type of job and especially the music. THey would talk on the phone and it would really irk me. The breakup occurred and they continued to talk. During our break up, I would (too often) talk about our relationship and she would tell me that she's not trying to date or be in a relationship with anyone. Months have passed since then and I have heard from others that they are seen around town and what really killed me was when I found out that she was taking my daughter to have icecream with him. To me, this is a big step if a woman is introducing a new man into my daughters life. I feel so helpless and guilty but also am beginning to not continue to blame myself. I did a lot of messed up things but I also did a lot of good things. I guess it's just her finally refusing to deal with it anymore and seeing that there are other options out there. During the breakup I would give her rides ( she has no car) to work and even let her borrow my car to go out with her girlfriends. I found out on facebook that on one of these nights she actually was hanging out with him and her friends and that really pissed me off. Now I feel like I'm being played. I guess it's just my karma. I hope one day we can try again because I am not the same person I was.


Don't let time pass you by with someone you are sort of in love with. Make a whole hearted decision to either be with someone that loves you or let them go so you can find the person that will make you grow internally. I think about her everyday, have to see her everyday. We have gone out on dates during the week but she never invites me out on Saturdays, when her mom takes care of the baby but she just goes with her friends. She mentioned that I don't get along with her friends (which I didn't because I felt they were partly to blame in persuading her to leave me ) and that she doesn't know how I will react if a guy friend comes up and talks to her, or why she would want to be around someone that's either depressed or angry. And shes right. It's still too soon for me. If I want a chance at us working out again, the old relationship has to die first. It's gone. My happiness has to happen first and my comfort has to be unwavering around her. I am doing everything to change that. Self help books, meditation, mental exercises, etc. Sometimes it seems that this would be easier if I never had to see her again, or if she told me that this will never work out. But she has said neither which unfortunately instills a false sense of hope within me.


Please, if you lasted all this read and have suggestions or similar stories, don't be afraid to talk. Love is such a powerful yet sensitive dance that we sometimes get lost in it's beauty and grasp on too tight. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe that's why I felt the way I did during the early years of the relationship. But my love for her continues. And I know she loves me, she's just not IN love with me, or us. I hope life brings us back together again and forever because it is through her and my daughter that I encountered the fears I need to overcome.

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Yeah it looks like you screwed up and failed not only with her but with yourself too. What matters now is that you acknowledged your mistakes and you are trying to grow from that.


You didn't post the coca cola speech link



Here is the speech....or the important part of it:


“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – Work, Family, Health, Friends and Spirit and you’re keeping all of these in the Air.


You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four Balls – Family, Health, Friends and Spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these; they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for it.”



and yes...I did fail her and myself. She continues to be friendly towards me and I sometimes feel shimmers of love from her but right now it's too painful for me to continue wishing for her to come back especially if she's even mildly dating someone. I hope life brings us back together as I really feel in my heart we balance each other out but the old relationship has to die in my heart before that can even be attempted, and that's only happening if I purposefully shut my emotions off. She's been moved on and for quite some time and so much so that she can be in the same room as me and not bat an eye at our situation.

Edited by villagehero
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You can't wish for her to come back --- you need to re-engage in your relationship to draw her back.

Life doesn't have a will/direction. Humans do -- so an effort must be made.


In order to re-engage I must give her space and time for her to really sort her things out. But more importantly I have to dig myself out of this grieving stage so that we can at least began anew, without any preconceived notions. There are times when she breadcrumbs me and I completely succomb. Just last week we had sex but I feel as if it was just her trying to get her fix and me attempting to connect emotionally. She still considers me someone very important in her life and is willing to even say I'm family but I don't feel as such. A family is not two households and two separate hearts. THe worst part about all this is that she doesn't have a car and I have been giving her rides and that means time with her which doesn't help me at all but I also don't want to leave her stranded.....sometimes I Just want to say it's not my responsibility and that she should go ask the dude she's talking to for rides...stop coming to me for that.

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Ah yeah that's a great image. I would say that the Friends ball is made of rubber too. People change, come and go in your life.


But tell me something, how is it that there were times where you were ready to leave her, but now you want to be with her again so strongly? How does that work?

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Ah yeah that's a great image. I would say that the Friends ball is made of rubber too. People change, come and go in your life.


But tell me something, how is it that there were times where you were ready to leave her, but now you want to be with her again so strongly? How does that work?


It's one of those mysteries of life I guess.......maybe it was maturity or the old adage of wanting what we can't have. I believe it has to do with the idea of how she made me into a better man by sticking with me through ball my bs and finally understanding what it means to have purpose and drive for the people you love. It's funny, I used to jokes around with my friends when we first started dating and say "I wish I met her when I was 27 that way I got all my fun out of the way and was mentally ready and mature"...


Oh the irony..

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Your story is really sad.


I know and it is full of moments of happiness also. But it is quite dramatic.


Today we talked on the phone because I told her that I wish for her to only contact me if it is related with our daughter....and not for anything else.


She called me later and wanted to talk and stated that she can't have me not in her life and how she always worries about me and wants to talk to me because I'm her best friend and that no one knows her like I do.


I replied that I needed time to heal because it's hard to imagine her Dating anyone in which she said he's not dating anyone and she told the DJ that she's not interested in a relationship right now and if anything she's cold and numb (yet they hang out and party yadda yadda)


The phone conversation was basically her saying that she needs me to be hard and strong again because I'm broken (no ....heartbroken) and that she wants me to be ok and for us to grow again organically...


I'm going to therapy soon and she continued to say she was willing to go with me but I feel like if she's not ready to reconcile then why do we need to go talk about our feelings when she has no intention of working it out...


I'm so confused. On the phone se actually cried which is something I haven't heard her do since the breakup.....maybe it's because I finally decided to really distance myself. I want my family back but I want her to want me back and not because I'm pleading or out of pity. I feel a deep sense of hope that one day we can try Again but as many have mentioned it's that hope that can be deceiving.


So confused.....but at least I'm slowly climbing out of limbo.

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Let her go - you hurt her enough already.

You don't know who you are or what to do with your life. You chose to open your eyes and set your selfishness apart only when it was too little too late.

Move on and let her go. She deserves a life.


I agree that taking time apart to both work on my inner self and to heal are necessary. Letting her go completely is just something my soul cannot do. Just today she gave me a Valentine's day card (though it was from my daughter) and in it she said:


P.S I will always love you


clearly she doesn't hate my guts. Especially when yesterday I told her that I need her to only contact me if discussing my daughter and nothing else so that I can have time to heal and become strong again. She got sentimental and sad when the thought of not being able to speak to me came about, so another piece of evidence that she does love me still. It might not be the right time for us and I admit that I need to work on myself (insecurities, emotions, finances, etc..) and she too needs space to really sort her life out and determine where she is headed as this was also a troublesome thought and a cause for my rebelliousness against her but at this point it's best to just limit my contact with her and mentally grow and mature once more.


I found the guide posted here:




to really coincide with what my spirit was telling me. Healing needs to happen. Even at the risk of her finding someone new. But she's stated that she is in a cold place and doesn't want any sort of relationship right now. Wether that's true or not time will tell but again, I at least have forward progress.

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Small update. I know most of you probably didn't read the first page as it was extremely long and drawn out and I apologize for that as it was a very emotional moment when I typed it all out. But here is where all of this stands right now:


After finding out that she has been spending time with the DJ guy and bringing my daughter around to go get ice-cream, I decided that I needed to shut my emotions off and completely detach myself from her. I want to have her back in my life but unfortunately was and sort of still confused as to go about this.


For valentines I had planned to do something symbolic and not entirely romantic but more so as a sort of a cleanse for both of us. I purchased 10 Chinese lanterns and took her to a rooftop with a great view of the city. I also wrote her two poems that really described how I will forever love her and carry a scar for having hurt her all those years. It was a windy but clear night and she enjoyed it. She stated it was one of the most romantic things I had ever done for her. Afterwards we went and grabbed some ice cream then went home. That's when things went south.


Apparently she had made plans with her girlfriends to go out that night and celebrate, I guess, being single. We are down to one car as she has none (which has been very difficult in creating space for us...needed space) and I had to work at 4 am that night. She was going to drive me to work and then use the car to take herself to work that morning. Since we had no sitter and it was around midnight she really couldn't get picked up and go. She asked me to use her car but since I had made up my mind that I would not continue letting her use my car if it's not for work or daughter related and because I found out one time that she had met up with the DJ one of the nights I let her use my car. For the first time I really saw anxiety and panic in her. She wanted to go. I could tell. But I have to draw boundaries somewhere, right? I mean she's getting the benefits of a boyfriend but none of the responsibilities of a girlfriend. The night did not end well and she was upset that I was being selfish but I look at it as me not wanting to sit there and not be able to sleep because of the possibility of her getting with this dude or whatever. I was completely operating out of fear and insecurity but something told me to stand up for myself.


The next day she sends me a text stating that yes, we should not have a relationship outside of our daughter and I replied yes so we it gives us a chance to heal to which she so rudely replied:

"Healing has nothing to do with it.....we're done and that's it"


man was this a crushing blow. Later that day she asked if I could please give her a ride to her mom's so she could pick up her car and because usually she takes her daughter to spend the night with her mom on saturdays. It was an akward ride and she seemed upset. Prior to that we had exchanged text and something that really stuck out to me was one piece of information she said:


"You don't know how to make me happy"


and this was such a profound truth. I had forgotten how to make her happy. During our relationship I was so insecure and stressed that when she would go out I would complain (especially since I would not be invited....mainly due to me being in a down mood when we would go out) and that was her way of being her. When we first met she was a fun, goofy, silly, and care free girl that just enjoyed having fun. She wasn't all over men, she wasn't getting drunk, she just liked having a good time. And I had forgotten how to nurture that.


I have been doing meditation classes and today we did a meditation class on compassion for others. One of the things the teacher told us to visualize was every one of our enemies or people that make us feel uncomfortable. I visualized her, the dj, and all her girlfriends ( who really don't like me). We were to take all of our negative fears and breathe out positive and compassionate ones and to see the people in front of you happy. We all have the same heart in that we want the same thing: peace and happiness.


A piece of me still wants to continue to fight for her and make us whole again. I know now that this whole time I had been unable to love her the way she need to be loved because I was not happy with myself. During the meditation sesssion, I saw her happy and it brought a deep sense of peace, even momentarily, within me. This will definitely take some work on my end and until she's married I am going to continue to have hope. The side of me that has been lost, the fun, carefree, silly side has been overrun by this overly sensitive, emotional and moody spirit that I want to rid myself of forever.


I'm going to love her from a distance and let myself grow internally. I want to create a life that she wants to be a part of. We have a daughter together and I thank God that we do because that is the bond that keeps us together, even by the thinnest thread. The key to her heart is laughter and joy. Loving her unconditionally means I have to be ok with her dating other men because I don't own her and she is entitled to that. She's fun, beautiful, and very positive. Who would'nt want to date that.


If anyone has any comments or similar experiences please share. The power of hope is a double edged sword but I want to go to my grave knowing that I truly truly never gave up until the very end. I need this time for me again. To become the man I need to be. A fun, charismatic, responsible, and charming man who loves his woman and understands the key to her heart.

This whole time I was trying to win her back but I was completely overlooking as to why I lost her in the first place.

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At this point I'm treating this as a journal for myself in order to really put my thoughts out and remove them out of my head since them sitting there taking up space won't really do much.


Last night I was working and got off work around 11pm. She called twice but I decided not to pick up. Of course it was her asking me to please take her to work as her car was still not ready. I only texted back about an hour later with details about what time I would arrive and what not.


Next day (today) I arrive at around 7:30am and she and my daughter are still sleeping. I noticed a bouquet of roses on the dining room table and of course they are from the guy she's been talking to. Before this would of destroyed me to pieces and I would of operated out of fear and anger, but ever since I have been really looking inward for my own happiness and after yesterday's meditation session, the impact was not as detrimental. I have to continue to operate out of love and compassion, regardless of what obstacles present themselves. It was a kind gesture of him and any pretty girl deserves beautiful flowers but let's not beat around the bush for him to do go out of his way to do this means he is really interested in her and she obviously has been sparking something with him for the two of them to be at this point. Again, before this would of crushed me. Now I'm slowly realizing the value of my worth and that yes, I am a catch regardless of who the person I used to be.


I went into the bedroom and found her sleeping. I gently woke her up so she could get ready to go to work. She woke up looking scared and immediately came to my arms and gave me what was a 5 minute hug. She said she was having a nightmare and was happy to see me. I just caressed her, told her it's ok, and said don't worry it was just a dream. My heart wanted to express itself fully but all I said was a simple "i love you" and she replied back I Love you as well.


I made her breakfast, spent time with my daughter and we left to take her to work. In the car, I was super chill, felt good about myself mainly due to how I am reacting towards the whole roses thing. No drama during the car ride, just chit chat and occasional laughter. She mentioned something that kind of took me by surprise but I played it off. She stated "lately you've been on my mind a lot" or something to that nature. I jokingly replied "uh oh, did I do something wrong" and she said "no, you've just been on my mind".....


Breadcrumbs?? Possibly. But I know deep down inside she still loves me and cares for us. A week or so ago when we talked about the relationship she mentioned that she enjoys hanging out with The DJ but that she doesn't love him. At this point I take everything with a grain of salt because the fact still remains that they spend time together and she broke up with me. Regardless I am beginning to truly find the strength that I need within me to make it through this. Eventually I want to ask her on a date but I need a little more time to create some more space and distance and to fully become a better version of myself. Operate with compassion and kindness and always and I mean ABSOLUTELY ALWAYS:




Life changes. People change. Worry about your mental stability and cultivate thoughts of positivity and you will slowly, but surely, find a small ounce of peace and strength, one day at a time, that was not there before. I'm slowly seeing that if she wants to be a part of my life romantically it can only happen if I am in such a positive state of mind that nothing can affect me anymore.


For those of you still reading, thanks so much. This at least helps me focus on what's really important. Inner peace and happiness. Be strong, everyone!!

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It's funny how this whole process is really a reflection of how our minds are so entangled with it's own thoughts. Granted, attachment is the main reason for the hurt and pain we all experience but I believe it also comes down to the unproductive dialogue we continuously have with our selves on every snippet and detail.


Should we do this? Should we do that? What if she's doing this? What if I lose that? How can I accomplish this? When should I do that?


This reflects our wild, untrained mind and the endless circles we run ourselves into. I am a testament to this as I keep thinking about everything, reading about everything, yet time wasted is all I continue to do. Not saying that thoughts are wrong, but the frequency in which we let these moments daze us is such a deterrent to healing.


I've found that the only way to combat or push back is to do the very thing that started the thoughts.....only direct them and engage them on the positivity currently surround you. Pull yourself out of the maddening void that is the mental dungeon of your mind. See everything as is, accept it, breathe, and focus your mind like a spotlight on something else. It's the only way for you to take this opportune moment in life to upgrade your mental and internal health.


So now on to the update with my ex.



Last night I picked her up from work again. The ride home was amazing. She complimented me, saying I look handsome. I should of replied you as well but a simple thank you as all. No drama or anything. Simply a calm and fun ride home. She asked if I wanted to stay for dinner with them and I agreed. While she was making dinner I went and got an oil change on my car. Dinner time and we all sat down and she even said a prayer. We held the baby's hand but not each other's hand and she prayed for "good health, fortune, and love to our family, even if we are an interesting family right now"...


This prayer actually began to push my mind down the void of sadness because of the chord that it struck. I didn't let it pull me down completely and I was cordial during dinner but I could tell it affected me and I believe so could she. Dinner was over and then she asked me to help her with something in the bathroom. It was something with her hair and what not so I did. During that time we were staring at each other and all of a sudden an instinctual rush to kiss her just overcame me. I slowly moved in and kissed her. I could feel the hesitation but she kissed me back, even for a bit.


She said I thought I wanted to only contact her about our daughter and that she doesn't want me to be any more confused. I replied looking straight at her "I'm not confused at all, I know what I want and I know what I'm fighting for......." then I said "You belong to me, no matter who you're dating or receiving flowers from. That doesn't matter. I know that you still belong to me". She shockingly replied with a very timid "I know.."


Trying to change the topic, I asked if it's cool if I still take you out on dates? She laughed I won't ever say no to a free meal. Then got serious and said "Just as long as we don't talk about why we broke up." I looked at her straight in the eye and said don't worry I know why we broke up and understand completely. The night ended I went home and meditated, read some books, read the forum, played guitar, and fell asleep.


For quite some time she has not had a car and I have been there in the mornings to make sure I take her to work and take my child to day care. It's a difficult task because it is such a nostalgic activity of us as a family, yet with new boundaries obviously.

Today I arrived a bit earlier because I was going to let her take my car since I had to work but could take public transportation to get there. I basically got there, she just started taking a shower and I began getting everything ready. Taking charge. She really appreciated the help and while I was in the kitchen getting the baby's food ready she hugged me and said thank you so much and of course I smoothly said you know I got your back.


I know she's still in there. It's a matter of letting her fall in love with me SLOWLY. Sometimes I stress and worry that I'm losing her to this guy and that urgency is needed but I have to put those thoughts out of my mind and realize that it's my family and that 9 years is not easily erased. Continue to project the value of my worth and the rest won't matter. I began writing this post because the thoughts of them together began to flood my mind and I knew that I had to reinforce my self and remind myself of all the good I had done. More work is definitely needed on my end and I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow but I almost have to become indifferent to the fact of the guy in her life. Don't let it instill fear. Be a smooth warrior and have an unwavering, sharp as a knife mind.


On a totally different note, this Brazilian girl that I've always thought was really hot and always ignored me because she knew I had a gf is having dinner with me on Thursday to "catch up." This is where I can sharpen my courting skills and really develop the confidence that I need to know that there are other women I can indeed go after but I'm choosing my ex. I am single, after all and if she's entitled to play then so am I.


I often wonder if a little fear instilled within my ex might be a good thing. Meaning she needs to see that I, too, have other women interested and that I am indeed an Alpha male. It will take a while for the needy image I created in the first months of the break up to wash away but I'll be damned if I ever break down like that again.


Focus. Everyday. Feed your mind. Feed your body. Feed your soul. I still think we need a little bit more distance but I at least know that she still thinks about me and that her heart has not COMPLETELY moved on. I thank God everyday for my daughter because not only is she my greatest strength, she is also the thread that still keeps us together. Even if that thread is extremely thin right now.


Lol guys please reply or say something otherwise this will turn into a classic Xanga journal haha.

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Can I just say your last couple of posts are just so heart warming, your strength is incredible. I wish I could find the peace you are able to find with your whole situation. I wish I had the opportunity you had to still have my ex in my life, to have a chance to win her back.


I think you are doing so well, taking it super slowly, not pushing, taking care of yourself. I hope your first date goes well. Remember, its a new relationship though! Treat it like one


Good luck!

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Can I just say your last couple of posts are just so heart warming, your strength is incredible. I wish I could find the peace you are able to find with your whole situation. I wish I had the opportunity you had to still have my ex in my life, to have a chance to win her back.


I think you are doing so well, taking it super slowly, not pushing, taking care of yourself. I hope your first date goes well. Remember, its a new relationship though! Treat it like one


Good luck!


Hey Aaron thanks so much for your reply!


Honestly, my strength came from realizing that I could not go down any further. That I was at a point where even if I WANTED to cry I couldn't because there where no more tears left. Seeing that I am the only one who has my best interest at hand, I decided that I have to pull myself out of this. Days come in waves. Moods go up and down. But slowly and steady I remain poised to climb out of this place that caused all of my suffering. It's so cliche but it really is true, take time for you and find out who YOU are deep down inside. Not the person you are towards other people. The person you are when you are in your room. Alone. And with no one calling or asking about you. When there is a deafening silence in the room. I've always loved the quote:


"It is in true silence that you find your inner voice"


Listen to that voice. Learn to recognize it and continue to nurture it. I know I still have a chance, even if it's for a bit but none of that matters if the person I once was is still an issue. I wish the best for you my friend and really learn who the true you is. And do everything in your power to make it a better version.


You 2.0

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You 2.0, I like the sound of that Although I'd settle for getting back the guy I was before my 3 year relationship!


Its so difficult for me, because for those first two months I thought I did have a chance to win her back. I worked on fixing everything she'd said was wrong with the relationship - getting out, getting active, having fun again, communicating with her how much I supported her decision to go tour with the circus. We had some really good talks, and she said maybe she didn't want it to be forever. And I told her I would continue to fix myself, and that in a few months I would be coming after her. She smiled and nodded at that.


But ignored her half of the story. That she hadn't communicated her problems with me until the circus came up (and even then it took me an hour to get her to admit it was about more than the circus). Even worse, I ignored the relationship she had developed with her acrobatic partner. I didn't want to see that all the hours she was spending with him training, eating lunch together, etc etc had seriously been undermining our own connection. And that he was the real real reason she was breaking up with me. And now they are dating, working every day together, a long way away from me. So as much as I wish there was hope, I just don't see her ever coming back. And if she did, I don't know if I could ever trust her, or forgive her.



So there is just me now! And to be honest, at this point, I cannot stand the silence. I'm still trying to find that guy I used to be. But everything you're doing, its so amazing how strong you've been. I hope one day I can find that same strength!

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It's interesting that you reference someone stepping in to her life and causing her to wonder and develop something with him. My ex had a similar situation when she was going out so much that she met a new group of friends and met a DJ. Out of nowhere she decides to start "managing" him and thy began spending a lot of time together. It definitely made her decision to break up with me a lot easier but her heart was not in it anymore because I was not making her feel loved and protected. I was in a very fearful and needy state of mind and women usually don't make a decision over night. It was a process and I was not willing to change myself and see the way in which me trying so hard to pull her in was actually pulling her away!


And also I believe sometimes we have to be willing to lose something to gain something better in return. I talked to a friend last night who is also friends with my ex and she told him that yes she is talking to someone and it only confirms that she had been ready to move on.


The news wasn't a shock as much as a confirmation that I cannot keep looking back. But I'm also not going to stop trying to win my family back. Women start to notice a man who's feelings are unclear. I can't stop the fact that she's dating someone, but that won't stop the fact that I'm still in her life. You have to arrive at a point of indifference. And if she's far away and with someone else then learn to let go. Grieve, cry, yell, scream do whatever it takes to get those emotions out. And when you can cry no more and cannot go any further down, start your ascend. Climb and pull yourself up.


Next Tuesday I'm going to take her out on a date. The most important thing is to not talk about my feelings or old relationship. My spiritual warrior is awakening. He's not at 100% but he's not down and out anymore. Love yourself first man. Be selfish. Become James Bond again. Bring yourself back to your masculine center and stay there. Then start going out and meet other women. You're not ready, but if you nurture you first and nothing else, your spirit will respond with the strength that you have been lacking.


Chin up, chest out, head high. Know the value of your worth and the universe will respond in kind.


Be blessed!

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Yeah, my cousin seems to think a lot of girls will often have another guy waiting in the wings. I don't know how true that is, but I certainly could never have imagined my ex being someone like that.


For me, it was such a convoluted breakup. First she found out she'd gotten into the circus for a 7 month tour, we had some very emotional talks about breaking up, and I asked her if there was more to it than the circus. She insisted there wasn't, but after talking for another hour reasons started to come out. Nothing too serious, but I see now in hindsight they were things the other guy had been giving her for months.


We didn't breakup then. For two weeks I tried to show her that we could fix those problems. But instead of trying as well she pulled away, she started lying, spending more time with him, and just generally treating me like crap. Then after two weeks we broke up. I was devastated, but after a couple of days I pulled myself up off the couch and continued working on myself. Over the next month we had LC, met a couple of times for coffee, talked about things. Things were even starting to look positive when we went to a mutual friends wedding. We had a little dance together (I showed her some of the dance moves I'd been learning) and went for a walk later in the night. She talked about having no idea what she wanted after the circus, I told her that I believed she could do anything she set her mind to.

At the end of our walk I asked her if she wanted this to be forever. She said maybe not. I told her that I wanted to spend a few months working on myself, and after that if it would be ok to come after her. She smiled and said that would be nice. She even played with my suit jacket, and it felt like everything would work out all right.


The next week she started dating the other guy. It took another month for her to admit that to me. It devastated me, because suddenly everything that she'd been doing before the breakup made so much more sense. Despite all her promises, she'd become far to involved with him. I sent her an email basically saying she had betrayed my trust during the relationship, told her I would always love who she'd been, but wouldn't spend any more energy on who she was now. Haven't heard from her since.


I still have no idea what was going through her head at the wedding.


Sorry, I hope you don't mind my posting my story in your thread. The whole thing still confuses me. I hope you're right about the whole losing something to get something better. In actual fact from a logical point of view my life is now much better, because I'm forcing myself to get out and live it. But the weight of her loss and betrayal is always there. It really is a matter of taking one step after another and climbing that mountain. Maybe when I reach the top, the weight won't be so bad.


Good luck on your date. From what I've read, you're going to be ok. I think day by day you are showing her the confident, attractive guy she fell for is still inside. I think the confidence you showed in her bathroom that night is worth so much more than whatever the other guy could give her. Just beware things don't go to fast, she needs to get to know the new you, to realise that old you is no longer around, that she can be more happy than she ever was starting a new relationship with you.


I wish I had been given the even playing field you have, but I don't, so all I can say is I wish you luck Be bold, be cautious, be whatever the situation calls for.


You can do it

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No worries man. I know that talking about these things is very much a therapeutic act especially when you can engage someone who's in a similar situation. Keep focusing on you and life shall reward you in kind.


Now for another update on my end:


I continue to demonstrate the stronger version of myself and the strength that I have slowly acquired. I went to my therapy session and found some amazing insight as to who I am. My mindset was to go in and talk about my relationship but she brought to light a lot of issues that go even deeper than this relationship! Something that caught my attention was the codependancy factor and that all my life I have been going from "raft to raft" and that I have never really taken or been taught to learn to stand on my own. Something else to figure out lol.


Today I signed up my daughter for health care because she dropped the ball and did not reapply. I noticed that she was more sweet and open and even asked to "rub noses" which I replied no I have to finish this to which she replied "yea it's probably not a good idea.."


After I was finished I looked at her and said "give me a kiss" to which we had another make out session. Again, confirms that she still has feelings for me but the night before something made think about this whole situation from another angle.


Since I let her use my car and she was picking me up from work, she drove down. There where protesters on the street for the venezuelan thing and she parked the car quickly and then told me " i'l be back im going to go say hi to some friends...." I IMMEDIATELY knew that it was to go see him. She grabbed a stick of gum out of her purse and ran over....


She likes this guy. There is no love there but attraction for sure. People have told me that yes they have seen them together at clubs and yes they have seen them kissing. I'm beginning to question wether what she's feeding me me now is based out of "love" or the fear of losing me and not having that "security"...


It's such a difficult thing to measure. A mutual friend of mine talked to me on the phone and told me that he had talked to her. She did in fact mentioned that she was talking to someone but that it was nothing serious and that she told him that she has moved on.


I think I need to maybe pull back a little bit? I don't know if her really seeing the void of me not being there will help her make a decision or will push her away.....but I guess I have to stick to what I said about losing something to gain everything.


I'm confused right now. Do i get angry? Do I push back? or do I continue to act as if this whole thing with this guy doesn't bother me and continue to court her. damn it right now is one of those moments where I am feeling at a loss....and slightly weak. Do I keep fighting for my family? But if she's engaging this guy in such a way that he's sending her flowers, I'm clearly the one only fighting. But then why the hell does she want to go on a date with me.....


I can't operate out of co-dependancy. I can't let this fear sink in. Damn it I wish there was a blueprint for all of these things..

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That is a really difficult situation. I would suggest no matter what, do not get angry with her. At the moment you seem to be on an equal, if not better, footing than the other guy. You have a date to prepare for. Make sure you are confident, don't bring up the other guy if possible, or the old relationship. Just make it the best damn date you can.


But maybe you do need to slow down in terms of the physical contact/setting boundaries. She shouldn't be using you to see him in anyway. If you can calmly explain that while you know your not together and her choices are her own if she wants to date, that it does make you uncomfortable at times, and that if she wants to see him she needs to do it with her own resources?


Have you read the ebook Dating your Ex? I've got a pdf copy of it if you want it, it may help somewhat. It was useful in my situation to make the progress I did right up until she actually left for the circus and joined up with him. At which point it was like putting a bullet to the any potential reconciliation when it was already on its knees!

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It is difficult. Especially when yesterday I buckled and looked at his instagram profile and he had put a picture of her as his valentines. That one made me stumble a little bit. It's such a unique situation due to my daughter being in the picture. I have set up boundaries that she can't use my car unless going to work anymore and plus she just got her truck back so that should give us more space.


I'm now dealing with something much bigger that I haven't thought of. If she's bringing this man around my daughter (not sure how often, but it's happened) and he is sending her flowers, she is obviously making him feel a certain kind of way. The danger is that my daughter will see them maybe being affectionate then turn around and maybe catch mommy and daddy being affectionate and really confuse her. I think it's really irresponsible of my ex to have done that to my daughter without properly establishing that we are TRULY over (no kissing, no I love you, no holding my hand, etc..) and showing her an example of what a relationship is.


Last night I went out with the brazilian girl and we had a great time. Both of us aren't looking for a relationship and she knew about my situation. Her suggestion: Just be tough man. Don't let her walk all over you any more. She is playing a game not only with me but with this new guy because I'm sure if he found out that she still occasionally kisses me it wouldn't make him feel too good. Seems like she is keeping both of us at bay and I think I have to break that cycle, as much as my heart wants to keep fighting.


It's beyond me or her right now. I have to keep my daughters best interest at heart. But I don't want to give up yet I have to draw a line somewhere. She started this new path with this new guy a month before we broke up. Our path ended and now it seems like she is curious about me again because of the emotional balance and strength I have regained. Something tells me to let her situation pan out first and let her live that experience. The risk being that I will lose her. Most rebounds don't last and that's what I feel about this one but no one ever truly knows....


I wish there was someone on this forum who has gone through something similar because right now It seems like my situation is unique and I don't have any answers but only more questions...

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I'm pretty down right now. Crying alone in my room....this is not a home.


I miss my family. I miss my baby. I'm so alone.....


When will I wake up from this nightmare?


I think you both hurt each other. You hurt her for many years by messing around with other women, and now she's doing the same thing...you must accept the pain, she's not going to change instantly. Life is here to make us suffer. I, just like you, on a Friday evening, feeling alone, contemplating, trying to figure out how much longer I have to pay my debt, for I hurt him sometime in the past in various ways that I didn't mean. Now its my turn to be hurt, but ten times worse.


I accept this pain...Its all a life lesson, even though we hurt them less than they hurt us. It still burns each day.


I, too, want to wake up from this nightmare of mine.

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I think you both hurt each other. You hurt her for many years by messing around with other women, and now she's doing the same thing...you must accept the pain, she's not going to change instantly. Life is here to make us suffer. I, just like you, on a Friday evening, feeling alone, contemplating, trying to figure out how much longer I have to pay my debt, for I hurt him sometime in the past in various ways that I didn't mean. Now its my turn to be hurt, but ten times worse.


I accept this pain...Its all a life lesson, even though we hurt them less than they hurt us. It still burns each day.


I, too, want to wake up from this nightmare of mine.


Jen thanks so much for chiming in. Last night I stumbled and fell but as you say it was me releasing more "debt" into the universe. I was doing well for quite a while but stumbled when the reality of her slowly having this rebound was apparent.


This morning I feel great! I woke up early, meditated, cleaned my room and am now on my way to clean my car. Continuing to progress in life is the only medicine to any of this.


I faced timed my daughter this morning which made me feel better. My ex was in a good mood (she went out last night) and I kept it business. She looked at me with this sweet, almost nostalgic smile and I kept my poker face.


Can't keep letting those breadcrumbs pull me in.


Be strong everyone and when the bad days come, remember that we are just paying our karmic debt. This too shall pass

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