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What can I do to get him back. I really messed up.


Bubby

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I don't even know where to start with this, please nobody judge me....

 

I had a boyfriend for 3 years he was my childhood sweetheart and we were inseparable. We were really in love with each other, so much so that we ended up going to the same Uni.

When we got to Uni things were alright at first but then I slowly realized my boyfriend had a secret life. He never introduced me to any of his friends and did drugs (which I had no idea he even did). These friends are very alternative and do crazy things and I guess he just thought I would not like them/ fit in.

So he put his life into separate compartments, friends, girlfriend, family.

It was very upsetting for me but I stuck with him because he did and does mean the world to me.

 

In around March last year I found out I had been accepted on a 10 month placement abroad. Everybody told me to do it because it will help my future so I agreed to it. This left me with a big problem which was whether to stay with my boyfriend or not.. After a lot of thinking I broke up with him because it seemed logical.

I was trying to protect myself from being hurt and possibly cheated on by him. I had no idea what he was doing even when I lived in the same city so it would be 10x worse if I was thousands of miles away. On drugs people change and have no idea what they are doing.

On top of this in my head we needed to gain independence because we were so dependent upon each other.. or at least I was. It was like I needed him so badly it hurt and just didn't want to feel like that in another country.

 

Rewind to a few months into my placement abroad. I found myself missing him everyday and felt like there was a big void in my life. It was horrible. There was a guy out there who really liked me. He made things better and its awful to say but he became my rebound. I saw via facebook that my ex had also found another girl.

However in around December time I get along message from my ex saying he misses me everyday and wants to see me when I am home. He tried to replace me with someone else but she was just not the same. This really got to me because it was exactly how I felt. So i responded saying yes I would like to meet him when I'm home.

 

I broke up with the guy I was seeing out there and my ex claims he has also ended things with the girl he was seeing because it did not feel right.

I am now home and trying to contact him but he does not seem that interested at all. Yes he still wants to meet up next week with me but takes days to reply to my messages, does not start conversations and seems rather dismissive.

 

He told me that we need to take things slow because I really hurt him and that I have to bare in mind that his main priority right now is his friends. He offers to try and 're-build' us but I just do not know if his hearts in it.

 

His change of tune is so confusing and I don't know what to do. I have this gut instinct that I have lost him forever and just need some advice on how to fix this because all I want is to be his girl again

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He's playing this right. He's got YOU all in tither thinking about him because he's playing it cool and keeping himself on the down low. Good for him. Perhaps by the time you meet him you'll have figured it out that he does drugs and has a shady bunch of friends that helped you to come to the decision that you should leave him.

 

Don't let the fact that you are lonely right now make you lose all good judgement about who it is you're jonesing for. He's still the same shady dude he was 10 months ago and you're not thinking straight at this point.

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You are both right. I need to calm down and stop contact until I see him. Its just so hard.

It sounds strange but think I am addicted to him because it feels like I am physically hurting. This pain has been there since last March

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He's playing this right. He's got YOU all in tither thinking about him because he's playing it cool and keeping himself on the down low. Good for him. Perhaps by the time you meet him you'll have figured it out that he does drugs and has a shady bunch of friends that helped you to come to the decision that you should leave him.

 

Don't let the fact that you are lonely right now make you lose all good judgement about who it is you're jonesing for. He's still the same shady dude he was 10 months ago and you're not thinking straight at this point.

 

And truth has been given! ^

 

Another thing I want to point out is that your ex is still grieving. Yes, he may be a junkie with bad influences for friends, but underneath that still a person. And as a person, rather a DUMPEE, dumpees, who still have feelings for the dumper tend to reach out for some type of emotional validation, some crumb that lets them know that they still hold some type of value in your life. Depending on where the person's at emotionally, their actions show what their real motivation is. In instances like yours, where they act happy to see you, and then become cold and distant, the motivation is clearer: they just wanted to know they were still had that value in your life. Once they have that validation, they're gone. For that moment, anyway. That's why a lot of people get confused when at first it looks like their ex is on board, and then the next moment, they do a 180.

 

You gave him the validation he needed when you said you felt the same way and wanted to see him. That gave him the leverage to know that you still want him, that he still has value to you, and that he NO LONGER HAS TO PANIC ABOUT WHERE HE STANDS WITH YOU, because you still want him. I think after he realized that, his other emotions kicked in, that you were the one who dumped in and that he's still angry. Which is normal, it's part of the healing process.

 

 

You say that you don't like the fact that he's a part of an "alternative lifestyle", does drugs, has shady friends, and wants to compartmentalize you separately from aspects of his life. Not only that but whatever character he has makes you feel like you can't trust him. All of that, and you still want to be with him because you "love" him? That doesn't sound like love. That sounds like you've known and depended on him for so long, that you're afraid of getting something better, or worse, you're afraid to face whatever holes you have inside yourself that you were using your ex to fill. And now you're realizing that if he's gone, you'll have to redeal with whatever you were trying to hide from. Getting into, or returning to a relationship, out of fear, or neediness, is a recipe for hurt and disaster. For each person involved.

 

Things are not going to change just because you're back together. In fact, you'll likely re-break up because the same problems that made you break up in the first place will still be there.

 

You both need time to heal and figure out what you want.

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