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GADawg11

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In my previous thread entitled "Where is this going?", I revealed that my wife told me she was unhappy. This feeling was because she felt we married too quickly; however, I will not go into detail as it is laid out in my previous thread. The situation remains about the same, in that we have good days and bad days. Some days we can have a conversation, others I just can't seem to get one going with her. We have been to counseling, even though she really didn't want to be there, and have another appointment scheduled for next Monday. We ate at my parent's house on Sunday and the whole time I was getting the cold treatment, even my parents noticed it, big time. I couldn't understand and neither could they. She wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't sit near me, even today she wouldn't sit next to me on the couch. I had sat on one end and she sat on the other. Used to she would sit down beside me. I just don't feel the same connection that we used to have with one another. Even as I type this she is in the bedroom watching television. We were watching it together for a while and then she gets up and leaves the room. I was content watching her shows. Frankly, I am unhappy myself at this point. Nothing that I have done or said has seemed to help. The counseling was even my idea. If the counseling doesn't help, I don't know that I can continue in this marriage (of just over 6 months). Maybe my wife was right, we shouldn't have gotten married so quickly, but it was what she wanted at the time. I'm afraid of hurting her....I'm afraid of failing. I'm so confused that I don't know what to do. It's hard to think what could make you happy, could devastate you all at the same time.

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I know it is hard to accept but she is pulling away from you and she is trying her best to keep her distance so she will not feel anything for you. I am sorry but she has made up her mind and it looks like she has built up an emotional wall to keep you out and to keep herself from second guessing her choice to end the marriage.

 

The counseling is still a very good idea as it will help you as you accept the reality of the situation. She has made her choice so don't worry about hurting her. She has to live with her choices just like the rest of us. Keep your head up and take the high road always as this plays out.

 

Learn from the mistakes that were made so you will not make them again in the future.

 

I am sorry this has happened.

Lost

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Today we sat down for dinner at a restaurant and my wife says she thinks we should cancel or next counseling session. She doesn't think it is going to help, or work. She admitted that she will not open up to her because she doesn't trust the counselor. So, I suggested going to a counselor she had used in the past, but she finally said that she just doesn't want to do counseling period. She feels it adds more stress than she needs to go on top of her schoolwork. I said that we have only been once so how do we know what will and will not work, but the feeling remained the same. On the way home we discuss how she feels that I do not show any interest in her. I don't know her favorite song or color, but I did know the movie. She said little things like that make a difference. She said she feels like she doesn't even know me. How we got through marriage if this is how she felt, I have no idea. I personally think it's all a bunch of mess, another set of excuses. I asked my parents if they knew each other's favorite movie, song, color, etc. and they didn't, they knew maybe one, and they have been married 33 years! I am going to tell with her in depth about this over the weekend and pretty much tell her that we are going back to counseling, if she doesn't want to go that's fine, I'll go myself. And after that I will put the ball in her court. She will have to do what she wants to do. I've done everything I know to do.

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It is amazing how many times I have seen almost the same exact situation unfold on here. She made up her mind a while back and is now finding reason to justify her decision. The counseling was her way of making it look like she was trying when in reality she was probably hoping the counselor would tell you both to end it so she wouldn't be the bad guy.

 

Keep the next appointment and go alone so at least you will get some good out of it. My counselor was a straight shooter and told me right out that he had seen my situation many times before and that I shouldn't expect some drastic change in her and there was no snapping out of it. When a spouse gets this far down the path to leaving they almost can't turn back. I don't know if it is pride, fear or something else but they have silently made a case in their heads that leaving is the only option that will bring them happiness so they stick to it despite all other evidence.

This is where the old saying comes to mind. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

 

Even if you knew everything about her and she had decided to leave she would always find reasons to justify her choice. Don't get sucked into that battle trying to be logical or reason with her. You will not win and most of the time that kind of frontal attack on her will cause her walls to be built even higher.

 

Read my signature 3 times to yourself.

 

Keep posting

Lost

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GA, get a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships and start reading it now. It should be required reading for all couples, dating or married. It's a tough read, but one that can open your eyes, give you direction, strength, and understanding. It was invaluable in my personal healing and helped answer so many questions my ex couldn't answer for me.

 

Also, read Al Turtle's website: link removed Best relationship site available with real information from a counselor.

 

Good luck!

 

PS Sounds to me like she's missing intimacy and the courting process.

 

Favorite songs change all the time. Favorite color? What is this grade school? Who has a favorite color after age 16?!

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Favorite color? What is this grade school? Who has a favorite color after age 16?!

 

I'm 48 and mine's purple. My xH, for all his faults, knew it too.

 

In a short-term marriage like the one we're reading about in this thread, I think the wife was just using these things as examples. She doesn't want a divorce because he doesn't know her favorite song, she wants it because (she perceives) he doesn't know her or even want to get to know her or take an interest in her, and that was her supporting evidence.

 

The problem with women is that by the time we utter the D word, our mind IS made up. We've already done the hard mental and emotional work, and the actual divorce process is the last step. For men, that's the first step and they have the whole journey ahead of them yet. Consequently, men often interpret this as being hasty as they listen to "excuses" given by the wife as she tries to "justify" her feelings. Yes, counseling is usually an exercise in futility at this point, but often the wife feels pressured to go through the motions and try it anyway.

 

I think the answer to accepting divorce is to ask yourself, "do I really want someone who doesn't want me?" In my single days I had one particularly rough break-up (far harder than my divorce) and that's how I got through it . . . if he didn't want me, why would I want to keep him prisoner in the relationship? Where's the payoff in that?

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Well, this morning around 2:00 I got up to let our dogs out and I found a letter in the kitchen, she had apparently left it earlier in the night before she went to bed and I did not see it. I will quote some of the items that jumped out at me.

"I feel like out personality differences are too vast to reconcile." "I'll be honest when I say I hate being married." "I feel bad because I feel like you are making an effort, but I'm at a point I feel too far separated emotionally that I don't know if I can come back." Now, she hasn't left the house or anything yet, but out of those statements the one that gets me is her hating being married. Not necessarily to me, from how it reads, but just in general. So, I'm going to talk with an attorney tomorrow or the next day and get things started. I believe that we can get through this civilly and with little consequence as we have only been married six months. We have no joint debts and few marital assets. I hate to say it but after everything I feel relief that a direction has been chosen.

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Strange isn't it that the one thing you didn't want to happen has brought you relief? That is acceptance of what your heart did not want to accept.

 

Marriage is a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice and compromise and maybe she isn't capable of those things or is so selfish she can't stand the idea or reality of marriage.

 

I am sorry it didn't work out like you wanted when you got married but ending it now gives you both a chance at the kind of happiness you each desire.

 

Lost

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The one other thing I am struggling with, besides having to figure out how to break the news, is the belief by not only myself, but the counselor as well, that my wife has turned the situation around on me in order for me to appear as the bad guy and be the one to initiate a divorce.

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. . . my wife has turned the situation around on me in order for me to appear as the bad guy and be the one to initiate a divorce.

 

LOL welcome to the real world. I'd say this is more common than not. You'll be fine, just forge on ahead regardless.

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You're not the bad guy so don't allow her to make you feel as if you are because she sounds to be the one w/the issues according to your previous posts.

 

The dysfunctional behavior from her is uncalled for and I'm sure; seriously draining.

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You didn't force her to marry you...It was her choice too!!!

 

I think that it's extremely disrespectful to disrespect your Spouse in front of anyone...Especially their own parents!!!

 

For her to go to your Parents home (after you were only trying to love her) and be rude is just down-right heartless, ugly, and disrespectful.

 

Get her away from you.

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