I'm cutting ties

[Liraele]

Being the genetic donor is not the only thing there is to being a father. It is much, much more than that.

 

So I hope that you know what you are doing, because this little person thinks that you are his father. That makes it so in all the ways that count.

 

Good luck.

[Batya33]

Being the genetic donor is not the only thing there is to being a father. It is much, much more than that.

 

So I hope that you know what you are doing, because this little person thinks that you are his father. That makes it so in all the ways that count.

 

Good luck.

 

Yes and that is what makes this so hard. The mother here allowed this attachment to happen based on a lie which the OP was a victim of (and the child). I think there is a way for the OP to protect himself from further victimization here and also continue contact with the child in some way so that everyone is protected. I do not think the OP needs to continue paying child support or perpetuate this lie - he can still protect the child's interests without having to go that extreme.

[Cheetarah]

Thanks for owning that, Batya. A lot of people wouldn't.

 

It's a sad situation all the way around.

[Batya33]

Thanks for owning that, Batya. A lot of people wouldn't.

 

It's a sad situation all the way around.

 

I don't think this is about being right or wrong. I'm not sure there are any "right" answers -I agree with you.

[Cheetarah]

I actually do think there is one "right" answer - And that's keeping the best interests of this boy in the front of his mind. If he goes with choosing to walk, then it is what it is but I believe there are ways to make it easier for him to bear and process.

[pl3asehelp]

And that's fair and just in that case. But in this case we don't even know if he bio father is aware. If he's not and he's fit and willing to be a father, he deserves that chance. He surely shouldn't have to suffer no relationship with his son simply because this woman hid his son from him and married a guy. That's practically kidnapping.

[Iggles]

The son of someone I know, his marriage fell apart (which was not surprising). What was surprising was that he let her have her "space", move back in with her parents and didn't contact her for a while (not sure how long) as she requested. At the time, their child was an infant and he wasn't exactly the diaper-changing kind of guy, so he didn't see any harm in not seeing his child given her age. The mother convinced the courts that he had abandoned them, even though she was the one to leave, so he couldn't gain joint custody when their suit came before the courts.

 

That was a huge mistake! But I don't understand his logic -- "I'm not living with my wife and I don't like changing diapers so I'm not going to see my kid until she or he is past that phase". It was very naive of him but he did abandon them by failing to remain in the kid's life. Sucks for him, but she's doing the "hard part" by getting up for hourly feedings while he's off somewhere. It's understandable she wouldn't want to share 50/50 custody with him and see him play 'happy family' with their kid and his next girlfriend..

 

Sorry to be cynical, but I find men who are only involved parents when they live with the child's mother abhorrent. These type of men don't come around much once the relationship with the mother fizzles out. To add insult to injury, they typical go on to find a new chick who may have kids of her own, and become an involved dad to her kids -- step children and/or any biological kids he goes on to have with her. The kids from the previous relationship get the shaft because he feels closer to the kids he lives with!

 

 

and good luck to her ever finding another man. I think any man worth his salt would spin around on his heel and run away screaming if she ever told him the truth of how her marriage fell apart.

 

She doesn't have to worry about that because she'll never tell the next guy the truth! This woman is deceitful and vile. She'll lie like a dog about the OP and why they broke up!

[Batya33]

I actually do think there is one "right" answer - And that's keeping the best interests of this boy in the front of his mind. If he goes with choosing to walk, then it is what it is but I believe there are ways to make it easier for him to bear and process.

 

Yes, that is true and at the same time when it's not your biological or adopted child then I don't expect him to sacrifice all of his needs and best interests for the child. There's a balance here. We can talk about technicalities and what it means to be a father but this is an unusual and extreme case. I don't blame him for changing his perspective of what he needs to do for this child going forward as compared to when he believed he was the father. I don't think he should cut all ties. I also don't think he needs to continue to pay child support and act as he did before with respect to this child if he doesn't choose to. I hope he gets over his anger/resentment and doesn't go to the extremes he is talking about (especially if it's out of anger towards the mother) but curtailing his role in certain ways doesn't make him a bad person.

[Seraphim]

Of course an adopted child deserves their parent's support!!!!! What is this only a biological child matters crap???

[Batya33]

Of course an adopted child deserves their parent's support!!!!! What is this only a biological child matters crap???

 

I hope that wasn't directed at what I wrote. I completely agree with the first sentence. The second sentence has nothing to do with what I wrote so I assume it was directed at someone else. I did point out that he has not adopted the child and it is not his biological child -those are facts. I never wrote what you said in the second sentence or anything close to it.

[Seraphim]

Maybe I just don't see it as different . For seven years he called this kid son ,and this boy called him daddy. Now all of a sudden he's a dirty tissue to throw away.

 

I'm not sure how someone looks into a little child's face and says ," you don't mean anything " and walks away.

[Longview01]

That poor child, seriously how is a 7 year old supposed to cope with being told one day...this guy isn't your dad and you will never see him again

 

How the OP can literally just walk away from this kid I will never know

[Cheetarah]

It doesn't change the fact that he raised him for 7 years and they do have a father-son relationship.

 

As far as OP has expressed, he is "severing the ties". We can talk about what he should or shouldn't do and it isn't going to change what he is, in fact, doing. Based on the information supplied by him(again, severing ties), I do find that abhorrent. And I'm steadfast about it as other people are with their own opinions(which ultimately don't matter, anyhow...I don't think OP has ever really sought advice but rather just is updating with his situation).

[Liraele]

He's an adult and can make his own choices. I don't think anyone is denying him that, though this topic has spawned an awful lot of vitriol.

 

My point was just that I hope he understands what he is doing. Just as that child sees him as a father, even though he isn't the biological father and even though the mom lied to him about it, this man has spent 7 years raising a child. That isn't just erased by the fact that their DNA doesn't match, and I hope that he doesn't do something rash while it is still fresh that he will later regret....because whether he likes it or not, that child became a part of his heart. They'll both suffer from the loss of the relationship, and the ramifications are something that may not be seen in the short-term.

 

He could go either way, and honestly I wouldn't fault him for either. I can't even imagine what I'd do in his shoes, though I hope I'd be able to think about what the best thing was for the child and set my ego aside...

 

Plus, the OP has the best possible idea of what would be best for him and for the child. We only have what he has chosen to share with us.

[Fudgie]

I can't really fault him either way. OP, do what's best for you and this boy. If you truly feel that walking away now is the best thing, then do it and don't look back and don't re-enter his life. And yes, depending where you are, if you go with the right lawyer, you can get your name removed and move on with your life.

 

It's really sad for the little boy but I don't think that you are obligated to stay and parent a child that isn't yours. You were tricked by a wicked woman. And she knows that. She can explain to the kid why you left. "I lied to him, he wasn't really your dad, so he left". I'm sure he'll understand when he's older...you're NOT a deadbeat dad who actually had the child and then left. You were tricked. Yes, many adult children feel angry at their dads for leaving but those were their REAL biological dads who had a duty to them. You don't have that duty.

 

I am with pl3easehelp here. Maybe many of you would react differently but this is what OP is going to do and it sounds like he feels a lot better doing this. If he stayed, he would be forced to live a lie essentially. He'd have to deal with that wicked woman too. I don't see how that's really any better.

 

How is the woman handling this? Is she mad and trying to get you to stay?

[itsallgrand]

Since I am the one who first brought up the concept of taking this child out of this mother's custody, I think I should clarify a bit.

 

Let's start with the simple fact that, most likely, it won't even be considered. It may not even be accessed. On the simplest level.

 

Now a lot is my personal feelings, and some personal bias and frustration at systems which I am familiar with. Ones in which, maternal biological rights are still held as the most venerated and protected of all, above all else. Situations in which, mothers are granted continual rights to children, again and again and again, even after a child has been proven to be in a situation where the mother does not put that child as a priority. Does not meet the responsibilities and obligations of a parent; and yet still holds the rights.

 

In this example, OP is put in a position where he will have to fight for rights, if he chooses to so pursue that at any point. His rights are completely in question simply because this woman betrayed him and the child.

 

Her rights however, will remain. If they go questioned or challenged, that would be a victory. But in most cases, that probably won't even happen. She will be assumed to be a fit mother - simply because she biologically had this kid. That is still held as almost sacred, in even law.

 

And I don't think that is right. And I don't think that is serving justice. And I don't think that is necessarily in the best interests of kids either.

 

Instead, we have situations like this one here, where a man is FORCED into choosing two impossibly difficult and painful options. Fight for a little bit of time with this kid, a little bit of a role, annd have to be involved with the mother also and also will have to continue to fund this child. Plus, all the money he previously put into the child he will have to drop as he assumes partial parental rights.

 

The consequences for the mother? Hmm. Not much. Tell me how that is alright.

 

Always, it would be partial.

 

He could fight, fight, and fight some more. But I can tell you from experience - they won't take that kid away from his mother. It will be what I heard here on this thread "YOU Can't rip a child away from his mother!!". It doesn't matter how bad she hurt or betrayed that child, put him at risk, SHE Deserves chance after chance after chance.

 

Somehow, it is assumed, as the rule, that the best interests of the child will almost always be to be with the biological mother.

 

I think that should be challenged more thoroughly. Because it has proved not to work, and it has proved to continue to hurt children.

 

It's not as easy as, even if I wanted it to be, you rip a kid away from his biological mother. No - it is near impossible, legally. It's very very hard.

 

There are just sooo many cases of kids having their lives ruined, or even ended, (and Victoria, you may be familiar with some of these public cases here in Canada), because of this protection of the biological mother. Yes, special protections.

 

I think it's so wrong.

 

What is in the best interest of the child here? That isn't our call. We are just voicing opinions here.

 

I was stating my own feelings on the matter - I'm a woman, so will never have to be in a situation like OP. But I a firm believer that justice is necessary, it's never alright to gloss ove rthat 'little detail' in order 'secure the best intersts of the child'. And anything that passes over justice to get there, usually is clotted half measure.

 

Which is what it seems everyone feels is the only thing that can happen. A clotted half measure to prevent further injury of the child. You can't take away his hurt of what his mother did already. But you can stop the bleeding! Thos eare my feelings. YOu can prevent it from happening, in another form, again.

 

I'd fight viciously, if ever confronted and deceived by someone like this woman, to make sure she couldn't hurt the kid again.

 

And I think that is what every single person who has posted on the thread can agree on - everyone does want the best for the child. It's that none of us have all the answers for how to do that.

[pl3asehelp]

Maybe I just don't see it as different . For seven years he called this kid son ,and this boy called him daddy. Now all of a sudden he's a dirty tissue to throw away.

 

I'm not sure how someone looks into a little child's face and says ," you don't mean anything " and walks away.

 

I'm positive that would not be something this guy would say or feel because I don't think it's true or how he feels. He's not leaving because the kid doesn't mean anything to him. His reason for leaving has nothing to do with that. He's been a father to the kid this long so it should be pretty obvious he cares a great deal.

 

Tomorrow she could take this kid and leave the county and he would have zero recourse since she can prove he is not the father. That isn't a risk most people could take.

[Seraphim]

No, when you leave a child that is exactly what you tell them ,"I don't care about you." And that is an exactly what a seven-year-old child hears. Seven-year-old child hears," I am a bad person and that is why daddy left me." A seven-year-old does not think like a 40-year-old.

 

So it's nice that everybody has the fancy Dan ideas about how the child is going to be fine but I don't think that is the way it's going to work.

 

The child will just feel abandoned. And that is exactly what it is.

[pl3asehelp]

No, when you leave a child that is exactly what you tell them ,"I don't care about you." And that is an exactly what a seven-year-old child hears. Seven-year-old child hears," I am a bad person and that is why daddy left me." A seven-year-old does not think like a 40-year-old.

 

So it's nice that everybody has the fancy Dan ideas about how the child is going to be fine but I don't think that is the way it's going to work.

 

The child will just feel abandoned. And that is exactly what it is.

 

Oh, I don't think the child is going to fine at all. In fact I'd be stunned if he's not dead or in jail by 25. I don't think the OP or his ex are going to fare much better either. She in my opinion ruined 4 people's lives permanently with her actions and there is no way to change that now, which I put on par with child molestation and child murder. I've seen similar hints happen - some things just can't be recovered from and I think this is one of them.

[Batya33]

Maybe I just don't see it as different . For seven years he called this kid son ,and this boy called him daddy. Now all of a sudden he's a dirty tissue to throw away.

 

I'm not sure how someone looks into a little child's face and says ," you don't mean anything " and walks away.

 

I agree completely that the OP shouldn't cut all ties with this child.

 

I think the mother in essence abandoned this child when she lied to the OP -that was when she decided for her own selfish reasons to put him at a huge risk of abandonment and if not abandonment huge emotional problems when inevitably the truth would have come out.

[Seraphim]

Well personally I don't think she's the one entirely and totally to blame. He's making the decision to walk away from the child only and plainly to benefit himself. If the child meant anything to him he would've maintained an emotional bond with that boy. And he would've fought for that boy. But it's all about him so he bailed.

 

If you don't protect little fledgling lives then they can't give back to the world. And when they can't give back to the world the world just gets more miserable. If you protect little fledgling lives and make them positive then they can give positive out into the world. And hence the world gets better and better.

 

Every time someone abandons a child they just make the world a crappier place.

[pl3asehelp]

Well personally I don't think she's the one entirely and totally to blame. He's making the decision to walk away from the child only and plainly to benefit himself. If the child meant anything to him he would've maintained an emotional bond with that boy. And he would've fought for that boy. But it's all about him so he bailed.

 

If you don't protect little fledgling lives then they can't give back to the world. And when they can't give back to the world the world just gets more miserable. If you protect little fledgling lives and make them positive then they can give positive out into the world. And hence the world gets better and better.

 

Every time someone abandons a child they just make the world a crappier place.

 

Your heart is in the right place, you just don't understand his position. There is no way he can fight for anything. He has no leg to stand on. Whatever rights he had were predicated on a lie which she has hard evidence of that she can expose resulting in no rights at all. As soon as she whips out that paternity test he has nothing, despite people wishing otherwise. After that I'd expect her to file a restraining order and the OP could land in jail for coking near the kid. It's just not feasible that the relationship could continue.

 

This is one of those times everyone loses no matter what happens.

[Batya33]

I agree with please2help but do think the OP's current position -to cut all ties no matter what, not to explore alternatives that would benefit this child - is far too extreme. I also see the risk that if he gets some sort of visitation formally or informally she can snatch it away which could make things even worse for the child.

 

Right now his decision seems self-absorbed but it might turn out that he is advised to walk away for the benefit of the child (i.e. so the child doesn't go through a second separation later at the mother's whim).

[Fudgie]

Your heart is in the right place, you just don't understand his position. There is no way he can fight for anything. He has no leg to stand on. Whatever rights he had were predicated on a lie which she has hard evidence of that she can expose resulting in no rights at all. As soon as she whips out that paternity test he has nothing, despite people wishing otherwise. After that I'd expect her to file a restraining order and the OP could land in jail for coking near the kid. It's just not feasible that the relationship could continue.

 

This is one of those times everyone loses no matter what happens.

 

This is exactly why I don't blame him for walking away now. DNA has established that there is no paternity. He has no rights when it comes to this child because the child isn't biologically is. If the mom decides that she gets sick of seeing his face or gets a new man in her life and doesn't want this guy hanging around, she can make it so the child will never see OP again.

 

And you know what, it probably will happen. Because it's clear that OP doesn't want a relationship with her. So she's going to find someone else. And that guy is going to be like "why is that guy hanging around? he's not even the father" and she's going to make it so OP can't be around anymore.

 

So yeah, I can absolutely see why OP is wanting to cut ties now. He has no rights at all.

[Seraphim]

You DON'T know what his rights are because hell ya don't even know what country he is from. Laws are not transposable. And methinks he probably didn't ask a lawyer squat. He just wants to bail and that's that.