I'm cutting ties

[Lorem Ipsum]

To sue her for paternal fraud just seems like you are acting out revenge.

Aside from the financial compensation he might get from her (and I don't believe he'll see a dime), I honestly believe that whatever money he might spend on the lawyer he's going to need to pursue this would be better spent on a therapist.

 

Blue nose, you're going to do whatever you're going to do and things are going to happen in ways that no one can guess at. But like I just said, IMO, instead of wasting your money on lawyers in the pursuit of making her pay or suffer (because be honest, unless she is independently wealthy, you are just throwing good money after bad), you should find the best therapist you can for yourself. Because, I don't know how old you are, but I would bet that somewhere deep inside you do still want a family of your own. Part of the fallout of all of this is that unless you are smart and get help now, you are going to forever look at other women through a distorted lens -- and no other woman deserves to be penalised for what this one has done to you. You also don't deserve to live alone, lonely and bitter because of it, either. Seriously, the last thing you may want right now is another relationship but time has a way of changing things and that may not always be how you feel. Take some time to absorb all of this, do some research and find a good therapist, don't let your anger and hate and disappointment and hurt fester.

[pl3asehelp]

She cannot just do that at any old random time. Yes, it would still be valid. When you sign AOPs and birth certs, you are acknowledging yourself as the father. When there's a long-standing relationship(and there's a statute of limitations in many places to contest paternity), the courts will be like...Well...you had all this time...Now there's a well-established relationship/support - Nope.

 

He was tricked into signing those things and the court is obligated to protect the rights of paternal parents. I wish what you're saying is true because it's what I agree with morally, but I don't think it is true. The paternal father may have been lied to and have no idea he has a son. He might want to be an active father if he learns the truth. He'll have legal rights if he is is aware he's a father and can choose to see use them as he should be able to. If I found out I had a son out there nobody told me about I'd move heaven and earth to be the caber they deserve - we have no reason to think the paternal father doesn't feel the same way.

[itsallgrand]

Having said all that, OP I do think you are acting out of anger right now. To sue her for paternal fraud just seems like you are acting out revenge. Like someone else posted, you will in effect just be punishing the boy you once considered your son. Think about the boy and how his needs will be taken care of if his mother is financially drained.

 

That's ridiculous.

 

The system makes me so angry sometimes. It really does. I know what you are saying and the realities of it - mother will get to milk the system and be supported, because she will use her child til she can legally or otherwise no longer do so.

 

By that time, the kid will be so messed up, it'll be hard to help him. If he isn't dead yet, or in prison.

 

I don't think it's anger nor petty to want his money back. She committed fraud! She stole that money.

 

It's the old problem of getting blood out of a stone. She doesn't have piss all to give her son; nor to repay back, but since they'll never take the child legally away from her, she'll keep milking men and the system for money to do her job.

[pl3asehelp]

It's absolutely revolting to me that this so-called mother will still have custody of this child.

 

That is what makes me sick. The only one in the wrong here is the 'mother'.

 

Agreed. The child would be better off taking the risk of being a foster kid than staying under this monster's 'care'.

[Batya33]

I agree with Itsallgrand. How about this alternative, OP. You love the child but staying in his life would be difficult if not impossible. So, what if you put part or all of the $ you get from the lawsuit in a trust fund for the child (without the mother's control or involvement). At least that way you are not abandoning the child entirely and he will know that you did what you could.

 

I hope the child gets adopted out - gets a fresh start with a family that loves and wants him.

[Lorem Ipsum]

He was tricked into signing those things and the court is obligated to protect the rights of paternal parents.

The son of someone I know, his marriage fell apart (which was not surprising). What was surprising was that he let her have her "space", move back in with her parents and didn't contact her for a while (not sure how long) as she requested. At the time, their child was an infant and he wasn't exactly the diaper-changing kind of guy, so he didn't see any harm in not seeing his child given her age. The mother convinced the courts that he had abandoned them, even though she was the one to leave, so he couldn't gain joint custody when their suit came before the courts.

 

So, I would disagree with you that the court always protects fathers. Given some of the things the woman in the case I describe here has pulled which I'm not going to get into, the child would be much better off not being in her custody.

[Seraphim]

Yeah why don't we horrifically traumatize a child by taking away the father AND mother. WOW. Really?

[Lorem Ipsum]

Yeah why don't we horrifically traumatize a child by taking away the father AND mother. WOW. Really?

No, I think that in her case, supervised visits with her mother would have been the way to go and custody to the father, or the grandparents. The woman has been extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative towards her child in ways I'm not going to get into. I do not believe that all women who give birth are good mothers. But, it's too late now and, as you say, changing the custody arrangement could cause more harm than has already been done. Sadly, the mother is unlikely to have a come to Jesus moment and realise that how she treats the child is wrong.

[Batya33]

Yeah why don't we horrifically traumatize a child by taking away the father AND mother. WOW. Really?

 

I think there's a way to do this where it's an open adoption so that the mother can have visitation rights (and who knows, perhaps the OP can have them too if it's thought to be appropriate). If -and I mean if -the mother is found not to be a fit mother then that might be a good alternative for the child.

[Seraphim]

I never said all birth mothers were good. But I truly believe not to many people in this thread care about what would happen to this child when you rip him away from both parents. They just care about gutting this woman like a fish . I am well and truly shocked at some people today.

 

I have to leave this thread I am so disturbed .

[Lorem Ipsum]

Oh, sorry, I thought you meant what I said, which wasn't about Blue nose's situation.

 

FWIW, I don't agree that taking this child away from his mother would be the right course of action. She may have done a horrible thing in regards to hiding the affair/child's true paternity but that doesn't necessarily mean she's total crap when it comes to taking care of the child otherwise.

 

I do think that this woman will suffer some blowback, mainly in that I bet she's going to be in for a rough ride with her son when he reaches an age where he can understand all of this and wants to find his bio-dad, as a teenager he may lose all respect for her and severely act out... and good luck to her ever finding another man. I think any man worth his salt would spin around on his heel and run away screaming if she ever told him the truth of how her marriage fell apart.

[Seraphim]

Yes. I do believe she did something very wrong as well. And you are right that does not make her a totally crap person totally inept to look after her child.

 

And I do believe you're right , the son will have questions for her and he will be a handful when he finds out.

 

But the child still does not deserve to be dumped nor taken away from his mother .

 

What is critical here is the welfare of this child.

[Circe]

Blue,

 

Your biological ties are not what make you your child's father - it's the fact that you have behaved as a father and you have loved each other as father and son that make you a father.

 

I think you should reconsider abandoning him and try to work out visitation with the son. Regardless of how that turns out - I think you should explain to the son that you are doing all you can to see him and if that should be prevented - when he is of age he can come find you and your door is always open to him.

 

He is your child now - not biologically but in every other way.

 

I hope that once you recover from the shock you see this.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Perrin83]

When you have no legal right to that child abandoning them isn't one of your options. Only a legal parent could do that. He's only legally a parent until nutjob ex decides otherwise, so not long.

 

You keep saying this and I don't really think you understand what it means. Legal right isn't based on biology. It's based on legal documentation and established relationship. If OP gets visitation with his child and bio-dad shows up and gets visitation, too, it'll come out of horrid-mom's time, not OPs time.

[CeeLambrini]

I agree with Itsallgrand. How about this alternative, OP. You love the child but staying in his life would be difficult if not impossible. So, what if you put part or all of the $ you get from the lawsuit in a trust fund for the child (without the mother's control or involvement). At least that way you are not abandoning the child entirely and he will know that you did what you could.

 

I hope the child gets adopted out - gets a fresh start with a family that loves and wants him.

 

I second this, OP

[Cheetarah]

My mind is rather blown at some of the thoughts in this thread.

 

While I understand that OP feels anger, rage, resentment(rightfully so, and that belongs on the mother and the mother only), and that he wants justice(understandable), the thing is that if serving that justice is successful, it ultimately hurts this child.

 

Is it not enough to walk away?? The little one is going to have enough of a hard time with that.

[Batya33]

My mind is rather blown at some of the thoughts in this thread.

 

While I understand that OP feels anger, rage, resentment(rightfully so, and that belongs on the mother and the mother only), and that he wants justice(understandable), the thing is that if serving that justice is successful, it ultimately hurts this child.

 

Is it not enough to walk away?? The little one is going to have enough of a hard time with that.

 

I think there's a way to get justice and help the child -but she has to want to help the child too. So far she put the child at great risk of being hurt or left so she has to do whatever she can to make this right for the child's sake. I think he needs to protect his legal and financial rights but should not entirely abandon the child which is why I thought the trust fund plus seeing if he can at least have some visits with the child if only to help with the transition he will go through. I don't think being in an open adoption scenario with visitation rights for the mother would equal abandonment by the mother and then he might gain two parents who want and love him more than anything without this mess the mother created.

[Cheetarah]

Open adoption? Why would this boy be put up for adoption?

[Batya33]

Open adoption? Why would this boy be put up for adoption?

 

I did not say he would or would not. I wrote (above, previous post) that if she is found to be an unfit mother he might be removed from the home. My sense is that if she would put her child at such a huge risk by lying to the OP there might be other things going on here. I wouldn't know -that would be for the courts or social workers to decide. They likely will be involved in some way if the OP decides to reverse his paternity.

[Seraphim]

I don't think a seven-year-old needs to be taken away from his mother and adopted out! Yes, what she did was very wrong but seriously let's not punish this child. Adoption? Is that really necessary ?????? I don't think so. Not only that do you know how hard it is to have a seven-year-old adopted???? That can take years. People want cuddly little babies they don't want seven-year-olds. And seven-year-old and up is getting pretty close to being deemed unadoptable.

 

Not only that but who would horrifically scar a seven-year-old child by taking him away from both parents at the same time?? Yes ,she did something wrong in not telling this child who his father really is but nobody here knows if she is an abusive mother in anyway. What if she is a good mother in every other way? Would her child be served to be adopted then?

 

I think suggesting adoption is just excessively cruel.

[Batya33]

And that is why I did not suggest it in the least. I suggested a scenario of open adoption (so that he would not be taken away from her) and only if she is found to be an unfit mother. If she is a good mother in every other way of course he should not be adopted out. I thought I made that clear in my previous 2-3 posts but it looks like people are just seeing the word "adoption" and not reading the rest.

 

I think the risk this mother put her child at was excessively cruel. If she is a good mother in every other way then adoption is not an option. But I don't think she gets the option at receiving child support which is why I also suggested that the OP provide part or all of the $$ he recovers from past child support into a trust fund for the child but where the mother has no control over that money in any way - but the child will know he is financially supported by the man who was the only father he knew.

[Seraphim]

And that is why I did not suggest it in the least. I suggested a scenario of open adoption and only if she is found to be an unfit mother. If she is a good mother in every other way of course he should not be adopted out. I thought I made that clear in my previous 2-3 posts but it looks like people are just seeing the word "adoption" and not reading the rest.

 

I think the risk this mother put her child at was excessively cruel. If she is a good mother in every other way then adoption is not an option.

 

And you know almost no one does open adoptions right?? They do not do it because they do not want drama. I have personally seen 10 adoptions and NONE were open. The new adoptive families wanted nothing to do with the birth families whatsoever.

 

But since OP has said zero about his wife's mothering skills we can't assume that this child needs to be adopted.

[Cheetarah]

This is what you originally said.

 

I hope the child gets adopted out - gets a fresh start with a family that loves and wants him.

 

So yes, you suggested it off the bat, no matter how you back-tracked on it in the following posts.

[Seraphim]

I had a friend in high school who never knew who her father was and still doesn't know to this day because her mother won't tell her. Personally I think her mother doesn't know. But whatever the case my friend still has a very good relationship with her mother as adults.

[Batya33]

This is what you originally said.

 

 

 

So yes, you suggested it off the bat, no matter how you back-tracked on it in the following posts.

Yes, you're right. I wrote that. And I am seeing that that probably went too far. I would not be surprised if the mother is found to be unfit in this situation. If she is fit then the child should stay with the mother. I don't think this situation is the same as Victoria's scenario below as far as the mother's behavior because she let her child get attached to the OP for all of these years based on a lie.

 

I should not have put it the way I did in the original post, I apologize. I was not trying to backtrack as I honestly did not recall putting it in that way. I see that this is a very emotional situation. I feel very sorry for the OP and for the child and I hope both get justice.