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Am I wrong or am I do the right thing


MisUnderstood9

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Okay so here's some background. I have full custody of my son who is 4 years old. Sweetest little boy in the world. His father - biggest douche I ever met. Denied him from the moment I was pregnant and demanding a paternity test, told him if he wanted one he can pay for it - he did - proved his accusations of me cheating wrong because my son is his.

 

He told me he wanted the chance to be a dad, so I allowed that, gave him days and times when he could come visit our son at my parents house, for over 15months he saw my son once a month (if that).

 

In June of 2011, told me he was leaving the province and going out to Edmonton Alberta for work - I didnt care he wasnt around anyways. He was absent for 2 years, didnt ever reach out to even see how our son was growing or doing health wise or anything. Right before my sons 4th birthday, he decided he was coming home because he didn't want to miss out on any more of my sons life, I said okay, these are your visitations days with him (I am not one to deny someone a chance to be a dad), for a while he was doing okay (so I thought) - found out in July last year that every visitation he had with my son he was pawning him off to his relatives so he could do whatever he wanted and actually wasn't spending time with my son at all (I have a very good relationship with his relatives as they stepped in a lot to help me with my son while he took off out west).

 

I decided then to cut down his visitations to once a week instead of the 3 times a week that I was letting him have. Since then he has been late almost everytime to pick up our son on his day to see him or he just doesnt show up at all anymore.

 

I finally had enough this last time because my son gets so excited that his "dad" was coming to get him that he would run back and forth from the clock and my sons is very smart for his age and knows that his dad is 5mins, 10mins, half hour, 45mins, and hour late to pick him up and I can slowly see in his eyes get sadder and sadder and it really hurts me. So I snapped when my ex called to say his mom had his car and hasnt returned it yet but would be there within the hour and I told him to not bother, that I was sick and tired of this and if he couldnt be more responsible to stop wasting my son time and I hung up.

 

Ive had mixed advice on if what I did was the right thing to do. I feel like I was doing what was best for my son but Ive also been told that I was doing it out of my own hate for my ex as well. But there has to be a point where you see your baby boy be hurt enough times because someone who is relying on and believes loves him continuously forgets or is deliberately hurting him by not being there.

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Trying to protect your child from life's rough edges is a powerful instinct, but not always the right one. Your son wouldn't know how to walk if you didn't leave him to fall down and get up again. You would be better off teaching him a message that sometimes people will be late and sometimes promises get broken and life gets in the way of fun stuff. That doesn't mean that you are not loved or cared about.

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I don't blame you at all, others will probably disagree with me but I wouldn't be able to stand it either.

I think it is better if you take away the expectations of his Dad visiting on a weekly basis and instead, let your ex know that he has to let you know if he is coming at least a day in advance (or whatever works for you) but not to tell your son about it until you are sure he is definitely coming (when he's actually at the front door, most likely)

This isn't ideal because I know kids need routine, and Dad popping up here and there seemingly unannounced isn't a routine, but it is better to avoid the look of disappointment in your sons face in my opinion.

I would also change the visits to supervised by you if he insists on giving him to relatives to look after anyway. This man seems utterly uninterested in his son, and only makes the effort because he feels he has to.

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My daughter's father used to pawn her off on relatives when she was little... until the day he came to pick her up and she said "daddy, who are you going to leave me with today?"

 

Nothing I ever said carried the weight of the words my babygirl used to indict him on his eff-ery.

 

After that, he settled down, married a woman and became more of a responsible father to her.

 

She is now 30 years old and has a very good relationship with him. He came through as a father for her and I never had to lift a finger to go after him for anything after she said that. We've had a very good parenting partnership all those years and are friendly to one another.

 

It may take your son indicting him with his own words--out of the mouths of babes--for him to open up a can of "act right".

 

Until that day, I do what you need to do to protect your son from his neglectful father. You are not doing out of your own hate--and anyone who says that to you needs to be kicked out of your life today.

 

The time probably has come for you to get the courts involved and have visitation spelled out and the conditions of his visitation--meaning: no taking him to girlfriends, no girlfriends living with him, he has to stick to the court ordered visitation and notify you if he's not going to be showing up. Really--it's time for the law to land on his head if he's not going to do it of his own triflin' volition.

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Trying to protect your child from life's rough edges is a powerful instinct, but not always the right one. Your son wouldn't know how to walk if you didn't leave him to fall down and get up again. You would be better off teaching him a message that sometimes people will be late and sometimes promises get broken and life gets in the way of fun stuff. That doesn't mean that you are not loved or cared about.

 

I think asking a 4 year old to learn this message on a weekly basis is a really bad idea.

 

OP- I think you did the right thing.

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