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Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl


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"“You know him well: ambiguous, tricky to read, blows hot and cold, backs off when you come too close, chases you when you cut him off, has a list of excuses as long as his arm, and with actions rarely matching his words. He’s probably the most popular man to date as he tends to straddle the fence between ‘nice guy’ and ‘bad boy’. Only doing things on his terms, he’s mastered the art of getting all the trappings of a relationship, often by creating the illusion of a promised loaf and chucking you crumbs of attention and affection instead.”

 

 

EXACTLY him.

Craazy

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"“You know him well: ambiguous, tricky to read, blows hot and cold, backs off when you come too close, chases you when you cut him off, has a list of excuses as long as his arm, and with actions rarely matching his words. He’s probably the most popular man to date as he tends to straddle the fence between ‘nice guy’ and ‘bad boy’. Only doing things on his terms, he’s mastered the art of getting all the trappings of a relationship, often by creating the illusion of a promised loaf and chucking you crumbs of attention and affection instead.”

 

 

EXACTLY him.

Craazy

 

I started reading this on my way to work and I have literally just got passed the author's own story and onto chapter 1. Reading the quote above, I don't think my ex fits that - in fact he was quite the opposite! He pretty much was an open book and honest about being quite a detached person, comfortable with his space, that I assumed he was also emotionally detached at times, but didn't realise this also meant in terms of RS's (my naivity!). But I had never really heard of the term EUM so it was only when I started to understand what happened I came accross this term LOL. I have only been in 2 LT RS's that I ended as they were not going anywhere and the rest were all short so I never cared less about them ending so never anaylsed what happened. I will keep reading as I think I will learn a lot about this type of person and maybe find some things that I do when in RS's that might make me seem EU (i.e. letting my guard down so not to get hurt takes me time)....

 

Happy reading!!

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Wow, I DEFINITELY need to pick up that book! That fits my ex to a T!

 

As im reading on, it just blows my mind as to how this fits him AND me to a T. And i let it continue for 2 years.

 

He totally did this to me after i lost the baby except for acts of resetting, which i hope he doesnt do:

“He doesn’t like ‘dwelling’, which is code for basically thinking about, discussing, or doing anything that might cause him to connect with his actions and realise that he’s behaved in a less than favourable manner to the people he’s involved with. If you challenge him, he may penalise you through sulking, withdrawal, and creating conflict so that you realise it’s not worth the aggravation and ‘give in’. Acts of resetting include disappearing for periods of time and expecting to return unchallenged, leaving you for someone else and then calling you up or trying to see you behind their back, trying to reach you after you cut contact, claiming he doesn’t understand why you’re mad at him, making you think you’re going mad by denying he said or did things, and often flitting from person to person (or group or relationship).”

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Why does someone have to read a book to know what their current or ex S.O. is like? You are getting first hand experience and as Darcy says... why would it not be common sense to get the heck out of dodge when you're being mistreated and undervalued?

 

Good books to read would be on how to learn to love yourself enough to not keep people who treat you badly in your life as well as how not to ignore red flag behaviour and being strong enough to not enable them to hoover you back in for more of the same abuse.

 

I find that if we look within and learn before we look to blame as to why we allowed things to happen, then we grow from what we've learned. It makes no sense to me to view ourselves as victims.

 

Fool me once shame on them... fool me twice shame on me.

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I understand what you and Darcy are saying and agree. THe book is lighthearted so makes an easy read and does discuss how to not keep people who hurt you badly, red flag behaviour, moving on and to stop following the same pattern. I have only just started it after coming accross the blog.

 

I should say that sometimes there just arn't any 'red flag' behavious (not when you have been only dating a 4-5 months). I actually did not see any of the signs that the book has mentioned so far...nor did any of my friends or family. I wasn't treated badly, he didn't run hot and cold, he wasn't ambiguous, didn't have excuses the length of his arm, wasn't acting suspicious (I could happily go in to his phone, laptop etc), didn't disappear or not contact for days etc. This might have come later, who knows. So to me it wasn't obvious how EU he was until he told me to my face he was scared of how close we were and not ready for a close RS.

 

So I think the book only really describes the personality traits of an EU man that typically displays the obvious negative behaviours that if I saw, I would have run away from at 100 miles/hr! Trust me, I am not the sort to put up with that sort of behaviour. I think there are different types of EU men, one being quality casual which I think my ex was (a great guy, loyal, treats his partner well and wants to make her happy, but just isn't ready for anything serious at that point in time and makes that clear. it is up to the girl if she accepts this or moves on). Nevertheless, the book is meant to give pointers on how to love yourself first, and find the unconditional love you are worthy of....

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SOme people may think it is easy to spot the signs... It definitely will be for me from now on. I never met an unavailable man, at least I never dated one, when I met my ex I was soooo confused!! And I am 30 so I guess I am not the typical fallback girl since I only had 1 guy like that. I remember reading that book around OCtober last year, it fit my EX in every single word. We had a big argument (the worst we ever had) back then and the book helped me to regain control over the situation. HE sent me a super long text some days after our BU but I did not respond. HOWEVER he did reappear for my BD 3 weeks later and he looked more in love than ever. We had the most amazing night ever. Stupid me, I should have read that book again and not give him another chance. I regretted it deeply

 

It's a good read. However, I think she can be a bit too cynical sometimes. I do people that people can change sometimes, if they really want to. Call me naive, but I like to think that they do

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EU people (women are this way too) are not comfortable being comfortable. They have never worked through the "fear of intimacy" and continue on the same cycle over and over again. They have never pushed through to the other side to see that it is okay over there. I told my ex that if she did not work on this that nothing was going to change. she could replace me with another man, but the script is still the same so the ending will be the same regardless of the actors in her play.

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EU people (women are this way too) are not comfortable being comfortable. They have never worked through the "fear of intimacy" and continue on the same cycle over and over again. They have never pushed through to the other side to see that it is okay over there. I told my ex that if she did not work on this that nothing was going to change. she could replace me with another man, but the script is still the same so the ending will be the same regardless of the actors in her play.

 

My thoughts exactly. I also told my ex that and now I regret because perhaps other people will benefit from it

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Other people won't benefit from it because an EU person is generally most comfortable with what they already know and words alone are not going to get

them to push through.

 

Either they have an epiphany from their own analysis and thoughts, or they meet someone who will not tolerate their unavailablity and they realize that

they may indeed be comfortable, but on the same treadmill forever --- and they decide to change. Once they face their fear --- they can begin to overcome

it. As long as they believe they are happy, they are happy.

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Other people won't benefit from it because an EU person is generally most comfortable with what they already know and words alone are not going to get

them to push through.

 

Either they have an epiphany from their own analysis and thoughts, or they meet someone who will not tolerate their unavailablity and they realize that

they may indeed be comfortable, but on the same treadmill forever --- and they decide to change. Once they face their fear --- they can begin to overcome

it. As long as they believe they are happy, they are happy.

 

I completely agree with this. Its such a shame when you see potential in someone to be a great partner if only they would let someone in and overcome their fear....

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I completely agree with this. Its such a shame when you see potential in someone to be a great partner if only they would let someone in and overcome their fear....

 

Except you cannot date potential, and the only person that can take down the walls they created --- is them.

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I had this fling once. She was 34, was diagnosed borderline personality disorder and treated me like cr*p and I allowed it. Displaying all the above behaviour. Thought I was losing it. I tried my best to talk her into seeing what BS she was doing to me (and many other women!) but she didnt listen. Then one day I stepped up for myself, ended it, one week later she is in a RS with a woman, 1,5 years later they live together and are still together. This makes me so mad! But I saw at linkedin that she has changed job 3 times since then so I guess it isnt all what it seems ..

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I had this fling once. She was 34, was diagnosed borderline personality disorder and treated me like cr*p and I allowed it. Displaying all the above behaviour. Thought I was losing it. I tried my best to talk her into seeing what BS she was doing to me (and many other women!) but she didnt listen. Then one day I stepped up for myself, ended it, one week later she is in a RS with a woman, 1,5 years later they live together and are still together. This makes me so mad! But I saw at linkedin that she has changed job 3 times since then so I guess it isnt all what it seems ..

 

All that means is the other woman is willing to put up with her crap.

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Thanks for your further thoughts.

 

Here's what I'm thinking:

 

All I'm trying to point out is: Its the one that does the falling back that allows or enables if you will Mr. unavailable to remain just that.

 

If anyone sticks around after someone tells you that they are not wanting a serious relationship (no matter what their reason is; EU or just not interested in anything serious With YOU in general but uses that as an excuse to not be committed or exclusive with you) then that's enabling him to not need to change. I've read where people have stayed with this so called "Mr. Unavailable for two years and four years even???

 

Why would you enable him not to have to change by staying with him or leaving him and then letting him hoover you back in under his emotionally unavailable terms? Something to figure out would be why you would allow that for yourself rather then be placated by reading that he's the way he was?

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This i agree with! Even i find it hard to understand why people are in these relationships so long knowing he/she doesnt want anything serious or is EU. But i guess people are fools for love! unless the both parties in the relationship are not wanting anything serious then i guess it is fine to keep going...but this would only work short term..

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Sometimes people lose themselves....i mean, i had other things going on so i wasnt really 100% focused on what was happening...or, i would forget (eeh stupid memory). Sometimes we just need a kick in the butt to make us aware.

 

Im having a bit of a setback though....totally doubting myself and my decision to cut him off. But this man abandoned me when i lost our child, ignored me when i was severely depressed, gave me the run around about paying the bill, and was/is on an online dating site the whole time. I have no idea why i am doubting myself...maybe i want to believe that im wrong about him...that a person cannot be that cold....?

 

Idk support needed

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