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My boyfriend deserves better than this.


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I am currently dating someone who is quite possibly the nicest, sweetest person alive. We've been dating about 6 months.

 

Long story short, we live in different states, we met randomly a while back, became friends online, and then started dating after he came to visit me. We see each other frequently, at least once a month, talk every day. He is planning to move to my city in a couple of months and has been working extremely hard to find a job in my area. The plan is for us to live together once he moves here.

 

Because of the distance, we've always had to plan everything, and we've never been in the same city without staying together. It feels like we've always been living together and never had a traditional dating phase. On top of that, because he is moving here to be with me, I feel obligated to be with him. I am feeling unsure about the relationship, and I feel incredibly guilty about that because of the situation.

 

I have often felt with him like he doesn't really challenge me, doesn't seduce me, doesn't ever surprise me. I've approached this subject carefully with him-- he says he actually agrees with me on everything, doesn't want to risk pressuring me into sex, and wants to do what I want to do most of the time. I feel like I'm supposed to be grateful that I have someone who treats me like a princess and actually thinks I am the greatest thing ever. He once told me about a girl who tried to flirt with him, and he promptly told her that he had a girlfriend. I found myself hating that he told me this. I want him to harmlessly appreciate other women. I don't want to be worshipped. I also want him to disagree with me sometimes. I don't want to feel like I've won him for life, I want to feel like impressing him, and I just don't feel that need anymore.

 

I find myself wondering if I only feel this way because I've been in bad relationships in the past, and I'm just missing the thrill. Or if I'm just freaking out because I'm about to move in with someone for the first time. Or, if *everyone* feels this discontent after being in a relationship for a while, and I need to get over it if I'm ever going to experience a stable relationship.

 

I'm completely confused. Anyone here had similar experiences, or have some perspective on this?

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Sounds to me like you see him as a good friend, but that it's missing that spark needed to ignite the flame. I would advise against moving in with him. If you have no issues with him 'appreciating' other women, then he's not the man for you. JMO

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I think a lot of the problem is that your relationship is rushed. Dating for six months? You sound like a married couple. If you skip the courtship phase, as you did, you will (and are) feel like you are missing out or missing something. Courtship. You never had that ... the getting to know each other slowly and ambiguity. The honeymoon and all that comes with it.

 

The best thing you can do is communicate your feelings to your bf. I see no reason for him to need to move in with you, to be honest. It's not a need. It's a nicety financially. If your doubts grow, it will be a nightmare if you live together. Definitely don't move in. There is no reason to play house with someone who is not someone you are planning on spending your life with.

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Sounds to me like you see him as a good friend, but that it's missing that spark needed to ignite the flame. I would advise against moving in with him. If you have no issues with him 'appreciating' other women, then he's not the man for you. JMO

 

Just to be clear, I really do mean "appreciate" in the literal sense. Infidelity and dishonesty are terrible things. I just think it's a typically unspoken truth that we all find other people attractive, and not having those feelings strikes me as abnormal. Also mainly the fact that he chose to tell me about the flirting incident. Why tell me at all? Why the need to give me evidence that I am the only girl he's looking at?

 

But yeah you might be right about there being no spark...

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I think you are letting yourself get bullied by "niceness". To be frank, it's bs IMO. That isn't "sweetness and niceness". That is emotional neediness on his part.

 

Of course it's normal you feel the way you do. You aren't ready to commit to him at the level he is pressuring you to do. And it isn't even healthy to move that fast. Again, you are just letting yourself get bullied by his nice guy bs. You even feel guilty!

 

You need to be honest with him and see if he can handle it. To me, this sniffs of passive aggression coming a mile off with him. If he rolls over and plays dead every time there is conflict, you have a huge problem here.

 

By the way, seeing each other once a month for a total of 6 months isn't seeing each other frequently. You barely know the guy. That's just the truth. So you don't really know why he is gunning so hard to ingratiate himself in your life - it could be worse than jsut being 'a really nice guy'.

 

Not to sound cynical or anything.

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  • 2 years later...

I have often felt with him like he doesn't really challenge me, doesn't seduce me, doesn't ever surprise me. I've approached this subject carefully with him-- he says he actually agrees with me on everything, doesn't want to risk pressuring me into sex, and wants to do what I want to do most of the time.

 

Giving a male perspective,

 

This happens because he thinks hes the reacher and you're the settler AKA he thinks you are probably a little out of his league so he treats you like a princess as compensation for being with him.

 

In order to fix this all you need to do is make him feel like hes on the same level as you or him being slightly out of your league.

 

Talking from experience, when I date girls who I think are out of my league I behave exactly like your bf and when I date girls who I believe to be beneath me or same level as me, I behave more like the Alpha male.

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So you've seen him a total of about 6 times? If you've been dating for 6 months, and have seen each once a month, then you really haven't spent much time together in person. In my opinion, it's most definitely not enough time to be moving in together. Whose idea was it?

 

Your gut is trying to tell you something. Listen carefully. You need to have a very honest conversation with him, and I would strongly advise you against moving in with him yet. It's too rushed and you're not ready, based on what you wrote here.

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