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monster in laws!!!!!!!!!! ruining our reconciliation


megnorman

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an addition to my post last week....so run down is..my husband and i have been separated for two months. We finally met up this past weekend and it was lovely. we both had such a great time. and i asked him as an adult...where he wanted to go from here. he said he wanted to save our marriage and stay married. the very next day he told me he didnt want to be married, and that he didn't know what he wanted. he literally sat on the phone with me for two hours while i patiently listened. Turns out he wants to get married and wants me to come visit but hes afraid his family will judge him. He said they are all telling him that he just needs to get a divorce and move on with life. They are ugly un loving people to begin with so its no shock to me. but my husband is extremely influenced by these people. ive tried several times since the separation to contact everyone in his family. and no one ever responds. His family is a bunch of bullies. I feel so bad for him because he feels like he has to please them. How do i convince him that its our marriage? his parents need to mind there own!!!! who tells their child to get a divorce its horrible advice. im so pissed off that these people are so disgusting. they're heartless, pretentious, and know nothing about loving someone. they have always tried to control my husband ever since ive known him. they tell him his truck isn't good enough, and his house. and that he needs a new job because he doesn't make enough money. but now they have crossed the line. they're butting in OUR marriage. Someone please send me some advice before i blow a gasket!

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i meant to stay married. this really wasn't a rant about my husband. im aware that he is a grown man, and is capable of making his own decision. But im not a bad wife and don't deserve my in laws telling my husband to divorce me because its yet another thing they don't like about his life. They expect him to have the perfect house, brand new truck, make six figures, have the perfect wife. He thinks there telling him this stuff because they are trying to help him, that its the right choice. and he said that if meant making his family happy then he would divorce me. what kind of parent makes a their child feel like they have to choose between their wife or them. SELFISH. id never take my husband away form his family. and i dont deserve it form them.

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we shouldn't have to sacrifice our marriage because his parents want to pitch a fit when everything in the world isn't the way they see fit. I love my husband and im not the type of person to step to the side and say yeah whatever makes you happy...let me end my marriage because someone else doesn't like it. FAMILY loves you no matter what!!!!! at least real family. and grown adults in their 60s, that go to church, and praise god shouldn't be so quick to judge our marriage as whether or not it is worthy of saving.

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what kind of parent makes a their child feel like they have to choose between their wife or them. SELFISH.

 

This is what you need to digest, he's not a child, he's an adult, and this is exactly what you're failing to see in this scenario. They're not making him do anything, he's an adult who's capable of making his own choices.

 

I can certainly understand where you're coming from, but you're anger should be directed towards him, and not his family.

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he said that if meant making his family happy then he would divorce me

 

I personally would not want to be married to a man who is that tied to his parents apron strings. Seriously, you need to haul his butt to counseling and either he learns to grow up and cut the ties or he will indeed divorce you and let dear Mom and Dad control his every move in life. (Shudders) It is your husband's fault too, I have a friend who's parents are that crazy and guess what? He divorced his parents instead of his wife and friends, so yes it can be done. Your husband has serious emotional issues likely stemming from some form of abuse by his parents, that's not something that's going to go away. And please stop and think for a moment, do you want these people as grandparents and parents to any children you may have in the future? It's not normal and it will warp them the way he's been warped.

 

I'm sorry, I know you want some other solution, but when a grown man is still playing the equivalent of "Billy, you can't be friends with the kids from the wrong side of the tracks and I'm your mom and I say so," then it's time to move on. I know it hurts, but he's pretty much married to them and always will be it seems unless he gets some serious therapy and recognizes it's a problem. A big one.

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we shouldn't have to sacrifice our marriage because his parents want to pitch a fit when everything in the world isn't the way they see fit. I love my husband and im not the type of person to step to the side and say yeah whatever makes you happy...let me end my marriage because someone else doesn't like it. FAMILY loves you no matter what!!!!! at least real family. and grown adults in their 60s, that go to church, and praise god shouldn't be so quick to judge our marriage as whether or not it is worthy of saving.

 

There's no "we" in this situation, it's your husband whose doing this.

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it just sad he 26 years old. I love my parents to death but id never leave my husband because they didn't like him. if they love him then they wouldn't be worried about who his wife was. and your right he is making these choices and im frustrated with him as well. it would just be easier if they would stay our of our marriage.

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Are you married to my ex husband?

 

I am sorry to say that his family did not start butting into your marriage recently. They have been butting in from the start and even before your marriage, otherwise you probably would not have separated or at least you would have been able to work things out by yourselves on your own terms rather than having a peanut gallery.

 

I normally do not give advice like this, but I would stop his games and let him go if he wants to go. Do not buy into the passive aggressive drama and the push pull of wanting to be with you when he is with you, but saying hurtful things to appease them when he is not or when he just spoke to them. I know you felt you were not fair to him and nagged before, but if you were willing to work on things, you can't have any chance if he runs back to mommy. If that were my brother, my mom would tell him to go back home and work it out. You guys have only been married a year. You were both in the service and didn't take time to learn about eachother's family dynamics, unfortunately. I know being totally away from family and both in the military did not give you the whole picture.

 

I am sorry that this happened . I know there are growing pains in a new marriage, but I think that you will never stand a fighting chance here.

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it just sad he 26 years old. I love my parents to death but id never leave my husband because they didn't like him. if they love him then they wouldn't be worried about who his wife was. and your right he is making these choices and im frustrated with him as well. it would just be easier if they would stay our of our marriage.

 

You are still making it out like it's the parents here. It's not.

 

If the parents were out the picture, and he was still like this and didn't do something to grow and change and become a truly emotionally independent person, then he'd put someone else into a situation like this with you. Maybe a friend, or another woman.

 

It's because he isn't in any position to have gotten married in the first place here. He hasn't even grown up yet.

 

As difficult as it must be for you, you need to stop trying to control him (it is what you are trying to do, the same as his parents, and it's not totally your fault, he put you in this position, it's the dynamic he is comfortable with).

 

If he wants to leave and blame it on his folks, let him.

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OP, we should talk. I had the exact same problem with my ex. I finally broke it off because he could not set boundaries with his crazy and intrusive family. We tried for six months, nothing worked, at the end of the day, he has to want to grow up, recognize that his family is toxic in his life.

 

my ex's family threatened to stop him from seeing his niece if he gets back with me. This made him scared and created conflicts in our relationship. In the end his family got what they want. I left because he thought it was ok for them to do this. He didn't know what to do, so he kept us separate, his family didn't even know he was still with me for six months.

 

I broke it off finally because things were not as loving like it used to be. He was distant, sometimes acted weird, kept me a secret from his family. He couldn't go on vacation with me because his family would find out. If his family wanted to take vacation, then he would accommodate them first. I was second class citizen.

 

he's 32 btw.

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it just sad he 26 years old. I love my parents to death but id never leave my husband because they didn't like him. if they love him then they wouldn't be worried about who his wife was. and your right he is making these choices and im frustrated with him as well. it would just be easier if they would stay our of our marriage.

 

If they love him they WOULD be worried about who his wife is!!!

 

They don't stay out of your marriage because your husband is a kitty.

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I love my parents to death but id never leave my husband because they didn't like him.
Well, I hope this isn't completely true. If your husband was abusive, violent or a criminal, your parents would have good reason to not like him and want you far away from him -- and you would be wise to heed them.

 

The way I see it, you have two choices: stay and continue this drama indefinitely because your husband has to want to grow up/stand up to them for himself (not you) or leave them all to it. Given you've been separated so long already, I say you should leave them to be codependent and miserable together. Do you want to have children? If so, the longer you stay in this mess, the more time you're wasting that you can't afford to. Contact a divorce lawyer, file the papers and be sure to be clear to your husband that you're serious and because he won't grow up, his mommy and daddy can have him back all to themselves. Then you'll be free to find someone who can make up their own mind.

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He's going to have to either man up and tell his family - hey, look. I'm married and that's the way it's going to stay. You can support me, or not, but I don't want to hear any more of your drivel about bailing on my marriage.

 

Or he's going to have to tell you - see ya.

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