Classic dumpees mistake or genuine opportunity to develop?

[Bertholdback]

Hi all.

 

I would like to ask for some opinion and advice.

 

Here is my situation.

 

I was in a relationship for five years.

 

Our time together was turbulent; mainly owing to my unhappiness. We endured long distance situations as jobs moved us around. A few months in during long distance I cheated. I talked to her and we worked it out. Unfortunately the seed of guilt and shame was sown and I never fully recovered. I was also gradually losing my grip on the rest of my life. Job, self-image, mental health (depression, anxiety and various other symptoms.). But as the first year turned into another we were still there for one another, still taking our chances and falling madly in love. I moved to be with her. It was a decision that made me miserable as the new city was the last place I wanted to be. Pay cut, and self-sacrifice I felt I owed to her.

 

I went abroad again. We stayed solid. Long distance made us closer and I came home to her again ready to settle. What I couldn’t see was I had been making bad life choices for many years now. My job with its long hours and the insecurities it brought out in me was gathering intensity and causing restlessness. I wanted to do other things; I was trying everything to find happiness. But I was losing control. I drank too much. I couldn’t behave normally, neurosis was taking over. Unable to cope with who I was… chasing a dream of happiness and working my fingers to the bone in a job that made me feel suffocated. We were doomed.

 

She tried everything. She was so patient and understanding. But she could take no more. In July 2102 she gave me my marching orders. She was being affected by this toxic situation now. It was time to say goodbye. I took majority of the blame.

 

My heart was broken. And the breakdown that was coming for me anyway came on strong. I went NC and buckled down to embrace the pain and self-destruction that lay ahead.

 

The important conclusion I came to was something was damn wrong with me to let this all happen. I learned to honestly understand that I needed to help myself once and for all. I needed to change myself, for myself. I never fell for the trap of doing it “for her”. I knew that would be my downfall. The finality in her choice had to be accepted. I was working for myself now. My own future happiness (regardless of relationships) depended on me. It took a while of misfiring and thinking “I have changed”… it’s only now I am beginning to understand the true nature of my journey. I am determined to find my purpose and build a little fort of contentment within me; something I have never had. Too much for here but I am working hard and seeing results. Oh so relieving to finally take action and see a beautiful world. How much I have missed!

 

She came back into contact with me on my birthday almost a year after. Sending me a picture she had given me at the start. It was sentimental. I didn't think too hard (my own work was paramount now) On the anniversary of our break up she emailed. The gist being, she had been very respectful.. not invading my space.. And time had passed… would I be ok to be in contact?…. I sat on it for a couple of weeks and gave a very short stoic reply. Again; I am on my own journey now.

 

At Christmas just gone a mutual friend insinuated she hadn’t had the easiest time either. Foolishly I felt emotional. I reached out and said yes, I would try the friendship – but slowly. She responded and said she was glad and I still meant a lot to her and how she cared for my wellbeing. I read little into it. Again; my own journey now. I also began to question whether or not a friendship was possible. Theory and practice being different endeavours.

 

Even by her admission it was all a shame. Right people, wrong time to some extent. But a split is a split and as hard as the medicine was we needed to take it. It wasn't working. As it turned out I had bigger fish to fry (my own issues) and that was my job as I saw it. I learned well that recovery cannot progress without full independence.

 

I decided to go NC again after xmas. We are coming near to two years apart now. Today I get a mail where she tells me she is moving off to another country for a few months. How it’s a long story, not for email. She wanted me to know so I wouldn't hear it from our friends reminding me how she asked me to do the same for her….she suggested we meet next week so she can tell me about this.

 

I have the exact same news for her. Though I leave a month later. To another place.

 

My current feelings? Still a bit sore at the rejection. Resentment and confusion at times… No matter what; that takes a long time. So not fully recovered if I am truthful.

 

Determination to focus on self is strong and won’t be swayed. I have my plans. She has hers; this makes me happy. But I am still sensitive. I do not think she is moving for another man. But if she is; fine. This will happen eventually. Part of me would want for her to tell me this. I see freedom in that, little painful at first… but freedom.

 

Do I want reconciliation? It wouldn’t work; so no. it cannot be. My work is cut out and I am busy. Accepting finality is the key to freedom. I have done well. I still have moments of sadness; mostly at what I let happen to me and the time I “stole from her” – not right…. We all have choices… and she wasn’t perfect. But she is a good person and I respect her through it all. In some sick way I have supported her choice, admired it even.

 

We are both starting out new, the past behind… a cross roads I might not want to miss to see her off. That would feel right to me. But what if it backfires and I find pain in seeing and hearing her? Facing her might help; but it might not.

 

Do I even want a friendship? Or is it some part of me holding on? I don’t want to hold on. I have self-worth. We might well still love one another... but that isn't anything to invest in sadly. I don’t know her feelings and I am not in any mood to try to get to know them. I am focused on one thing; making me better. That’s all I care about. Above her, above anyone else. I have a life to live! And love to give….

 

Ultimately, I will follow my gut. I know it will guide me.

 

If you have time can you relate to this or offer any advice?

 

Classic dumpees mistake or genuine opportunity to develop?

 

Thanks all.

[mhowe]

Absolutely brilliant post. You are to be commended.

The "dark night of the soul" is a painful journey...but what emerges at the end is a being transformed...a heart broken open and available to the universe and all the wonders that your future holds.

 

I cannot say whether you should see her in person. Listen to your inner voice.

 

I will say this: Let go with love and cherish what you gave each other. Because in this life or the next...the meeting of true souls is a given. Maybe your journey together is done. You know that it is, at least for some time. The future will unfold the way it is meant to.

 

I wish you godspeed on your quest.

[Bertholdback]

Mhowe- thank you for your kind words.

 

I was very surprised to see how it made me feel to read comments from someone I do not know online. I don't have a strong online presence (purposely) but having words of support after all I have worked on truly meant a lot.

 

I decided against accepting her invitation.

 

this has done something I never imagined it could. proved to me just how much I have fought for and how much respect I have for the journey I have been through and the future I am creating. I am living for me. not for my broken heart. and now my heart can be healed. that day comes. and the dark night of the soul comes to a close.

 

if anyone reads this; put yourself first ALWAYS.never second guess what your gut tells you. your head will draw you to things that aren't always right for you. but your gut will tell you the truth.

 

thanks to all on here for the support I have gained through reading.