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Crap. Didn't think I'd have to be back here so soon


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I haven't been on here in quite some time. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to be here again for a long time, but here I am.

 

The basic run down is that my ex left me for someone else about a year ago. We ended up getting back together and have been doing the on/off thing since.

 

He recently went on a lovely tropical vacation that he had been planning for the last couple of months with his mother.

 

Wait, did I say mother? Yeah, no, he went with the woman he left me for a year ago. Found that out from some beautiful pictures I found online after some searching (I had suspicions).

 

So not only did he lie to me about not talking to her anymore, he had made plans for months to go on holiday with her while we were dating and I-love-you-ing about. He even called me from the resort they were at and texted me regularly while they were there (probably told her I was his mum too, ironically). Now it makes sense why his camera magically deleted every single photo of his trip, at least.

 

I confronted him this morning about it and he denied denied denied, something I found quite hilarious because at the time I was staring at one of the aforementioned photos. That's when I knew I was done with him.

 

Just done. Forever.

 

There is no going back after something like that and, seriously, who would want that situation back? Trust is destroyed. The real character of the slime ball is finally revealed and can never be unrevealed. The chapter is not only closed, the whole damn book has been thrown into a fire.

 

Right now I am nearly incandescent with rage at the situation because 1) this whole thing could have been avoided and I could have been happily dating someone who is worth my time if I had only thrown out the trash and moved on the first time he burned me, and 2) I just can't seem to wrap my head around how someone can do that to another person and still think they're a good person and real man.

 

Anyway, if you're still with me after that incredibly long rant I'd just really appreciate some support and advice on getting past this (for good this time). The hurt, anger, disillusionment, and self-recrimination is just unbelievable right now and I'm not too sure what to think. Also some support on sticking with NC would be amazing because right now I want to contact him and rip his face off verbally.

 

Thanks all.

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2) I just can't seem to wrap my head around how someone can do that to another person and still think they're a good person and real man.

 

Anyway, if you're still with me after that incredibly long rant I'd just really appreciate some support and advice on getting past this (for good this time). The hurt, anger, disillusionment, and self-recrimination is just unbelievable right now and I'm not too sure what to think. Also some support on sticking with NC would be amazing because right now I want to contact him and rip his face off verbally.

 

Thanks all.

 

This is something that boils me inside. It's something I simply can not comprehend and it F** enrages me to a breaking point. I don't understand WHY.PEOPLE.CHEAT.

If you say you love someone, then why the F do you do that. And if you don't love, why do you do that anyway??? WHY do people have to lie just to make themselves feel good? It's like a god damn parasite leeching on you. Why do people have to do this to each other ???

 

I hope you heal well sweetheart. You're right about everything. He's a F excuse for a man and deserves to be treated like .

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There are lots of reasons why people cheat we could think up, at best it's because they have a fear of intimacy and hurt those closest to them and at worst it's because they're a sociopath. But it doesn't matter. As you wisely said, the damage is done.

 

You sound like a clever and funny woman, I quite like you. I think you're handling the situation really well actually. I'm quite in awe of you!

 

I would say go running or do some exercise for an hour a day, that really helps. And then just make yourself feel really pretty and ambitious by various methods.

 

I've never been cheated on personally but I've been treated like rubbish throughout my tumultuous last relationship so I know what it's like to have your self esteem bashed. I think it's best to just think about yourself and fill your world with new things to take your mind off them. You'll be thinking about it enough anyway so just try and fill that mind with other stuff.

 

I actually got a text from my exes flatmate (who keeps contacting me.....I don't know why!! But it's doing my head in. He lovvves my ex so I do not trust him AT ALL). But when I got the message I had just got a text off a guy I met who was nice so it didn't even really register with me. I DIDN'T CARE! It was reaaaaalllllyyy nice. It's not my ex texting me however but still, I think I wouldn't have cared as much as I would have if I had not got the message from this other guy.

 

Moving on will make you so powerful. You will see. I know my ex will try and contact me in some way one day in the rest of my life. He is a slimy controlling mess. But if you are moving on you will not care and that will feel super duper good. Aim for that x

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It's hard to let go of the hurt and the anger after someone has cheated but give it time and you will get there.

 

I urge you not to contact him and verbally bash him. My ex and I did the whole arguing over text thing for a week or two after the break up and honestly, it gets you nowhere and didn't give me any satisfaction. He will end up justifying his actions and making it seem like he thinks he did nothing wrong. Trust me, a cheater always does and that is why they are able to cheat without guilt. It will infuriate you even more when he does that so do not put yourself through that frustrating process. No contact really is the only way to move on.

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What a piece of C**P!

 

I'm so happy you caught him in this lie and you're finally ready to move on from this. Look at this as a blessing, for if this didn't happen you two would continue that on again/off again relationship that nobody loves. This give you a definite reason to move on and never look back because its so easy to make excuses for people and give them chances when there's a history but I can tell you've had enough (as would I).

 

If there's one thing i've learned from on/off relationships (from personal experience), it's that the commitment and trust completely changes and isn't what it would be in a normal relationship. There's never any certainty in the relationship so talking to people on the side while you're having that "off" week could seem totally normal for some partners. Its just not healthy and it makes me so angry that men like this exist. I hate cheaters and I hate liars and wish you the best of luck with your healing process.

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I remember your early posts RogueQueen. You were such an inspiration to me when getting over my ex, which I did. Knowing that, I know you have the strength to go NC and really cut this guy out of your life. This guy is someone not worthy of being in your life at all. You gave him a second chance and he screwed it up already, and showed how much he respected you by doing it.

 

My ex cheated on me twice. The first time I took him back, and the second time, about 10 months ago, I knew my only choice was to walk away. There aren't such things as third chances. I'm sorry this happened to you but remember that you already gave him his chance. He didn't even love you enough to actually make this work and show you respect.

 

You really need to go NC. I still have moments where I would love to give my ex a piece of my mind, but silence delivers a worse message. Talking to him and showing him your rage is only holding you back. Also, you have to face the reality that since you took him back the second time, he probably thinks that you will ALWAYS be there for him. That you love him and that he knows how to play the game to get you back. My ex was the same way, and that happened from me forgiving him so often. I honestly still believe he thinks that I would be with him still if he wrote me sweet messages, even though we've been NC for many months.

 

If I remember correctly you've been enraged at him before. He's likely not going to take it seriously. Just work on NC and getting this guy out of your life. Block him, stop talking to mutual friends and go silent on him for an extended period of time. You'll help yourself and help deliver a message to him that you absolutely never want him in your life. Remember actions over words. This guy showed through his actions that he doesn't love, care or respect you. The only way to show him through your actions that you are done with it, is by frankly being done with it. Go NC. It's tough but we all have gotten through it somehow.

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Ah crap, so sorry this happened. Here's a virtual hug and from someone who's been there all I can tell you is a) don't beat yourself up for giving him a second chance, he's the one that blew it and b) NC all the way while you journal and go beat up a punching bag at your local gym and focus on getting yourself healed. Sometimes we have to learn a lesson twice, so use this as an impetus to make your life amazing. Go out and find or learn a new activity, treat yourself with kindness, be glad you are free of his dishonesty. And yes, even cry occasionally when and if that's what you need. Then pick yourself up and go do something that makes you feel better.

 

The one thing you need to do above everything else though is decide that he is out of your life forever no matter what he says or does. Make a list if you have to or keep those pictures you found to remind you in those moments of weakness when he's crying and sobbing on the phone and you start to think maybe he means it this time. Going NC and staying NC forever is by far the best thing you can do in a scenario like this. Good luck and I'm sorry you went through that, it's not something I'd even wish on an enemy.

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I do have to agree with ParisPaulette on keeping those pictures. I had a few moments where I was super nostalgic about my ex, and almost forgot all the pain he put me through. Keeping all the evidence was like a cold glass of water on my face, snapped me right out of it. I even kept the love letters he gave me during that just to show how full of crap he ultimately was. Just prepare yourself for NC and know yourself best and what exactly your weaknesses are so you wont fall into the trap of contacting him again, or thinking that maybe things can be different.

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Well at least now you can completely let go of this bastard with no second thoughts or doubts.

 

Don't give him the satisfaction of expressing anger to him. If you show him anger, he knows he has a lot of power over you and controls your emotions. Silence says that you're in control and he's such a worthless POS that he's not even worth any energy from you.

 

Just don't let this experience taint your view of men and relationships and prevent you from trusting someone new.

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Being NC has helped me to get perspective on what our relationship really was and who HE really is instead of what I hoped and wished it and he could be. He is a selfish, immature, amoral parasite. He sucks the life, love, and self esteem out of the women he targets. He is a master manipulator and plays with people's emotions like a puppet master. Hats off to him for being the world's biggest douche. At least he's accomplished something in his life. He deserves a trophy. Upside the head.

 

I don't know if I fully believe in karma, but I've seen enough justice done to those that treat others like human garbage to believe that one day he will get his. I think he's built up enough negativity throughout his life to have a pretty big karmic a$$ whooping coming his way here at some point.

 

So, this is the guy you got back with? I'm not surprised you are back either.

 

Never go back to manipulators. Never never never.

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Anyway, if you're still with me after that incredibly long rant I'd just really appreciate some support and advice on getting past this (for good this time). The hurt, anger, disillusionment, and self-recrimination is just unbelievable right now and I'm not too sure what to think. Also some support on sticking with NC would be amazing because right now I want to contact him and rip his face off verbally.

 

Thanks all.

 

OMG I am raging myself! I'm so sorry you are going trhrough this but do not be hard on yourself that you gave him a second chance - people who know how to truly love and care also have the ability to give second chances to those who might have messed up. It's because you have faith in someone. He broke it a second time so now you know what he is and always will be.....NO MORE CHANCES. He does not know what love is, nor is he a real man...f**k that...he is an imbecile! He is probably the type that would laugh or even encourage this behaviour, even if it was happening to his own mum/sister. I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW

 

One thing I cannot tolerate is a CHEAT and a LYER. Just think, why would you want to be in contact with someone who lied to you?

1. It will only give him attention and an ego boost if you were to contact him , even if it just to rip his face off!

2. It will make you look like (in his eyes) someone with no self-worth that even he will question why you would like to be in contact with a chating arse like that.

3. It will give him control over you

4 In fact, any respect he might have for you (if any cos he is a douche) would be lost if you contacted him....

 

I have seen this happen with my friends and I've seen the way their ex's laugh behind their back and boast about how "easy she is to fool" etc. SO DO NOT END UP THE FOOL!!

 

I would suggest you hit the gym....take up a boxing class or something to take out your frustration. Then go to work or whatever and go out with friends and have some fun because guess what? He has been and will be doing the same without even thinking about you once.

 

If you still feel this rage, then I give to permission to go and slap him and get it out of your system! I always said to my friends as a joke that if my LT ex ever cheated on me (and I found out) I would go straight to his and pour paint over his beloved Range Rover Sport just to make myself feel better! He never did cheat. now I think about it, it would be my last option if I could not let the rage go....but I would encourage you to ignore him and show you are too good for him anyway!

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RQ, sorry to see you back.

 

Please forgive yourself. I'm a big believer in second chances as well. Third and fourth chances? Not so much. But second chances..... always.

 

I don't know that I'd endorse hitting him, but I will say that I found real relief at the gym hitting the punching bag there.

 

Keep posting! I'm predicting a speedy recovery, this time around. We're rooting for you!

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Thanks so much, guys and gals! You are all fantastic! And all correct. My anger has died down quite markedly today and all I really feel is empty with a teeny weeny side of pain. For day 2 post Jerry Springerish BU I don't think I'm doing too bad.

 

I'll definitely be taking all the advice I got from you guys. Already it's saved me from making a few horrible decisions and I am eternally grateful for that. My self respect says thanks, too.

 

I have blocked and deleted him from everything that it is possible to block and delete someone. Short of showing up at my house (which is guaranteed that he won't) or writing me a letter via snail mail (he won't do that either) I do believe I am ex secure. It's a relief knowing that every time I get a text or a phone call it won't be him.

 

At the moment I'm trying to avoid the quagmire of asking myself what she has that I don't because in reality it just doesn't really matter. And I know that. My entire relationship was a shell filled with lies and I honestly believe I dodged a bullet on getting out of it now (finally) before he could do anything worse.

 

NC has been surprisingly easy, I'm finding. There are no answers I need or want from him. Closure is about as final as you can get without having it in writing. And for the moment I feel relief that it's just finally over.

 

I know I'm going to have some rough days ahead when it really finally all settles on me so you guys are going to be stuck with me for a bit. Thanks again, for all the encouragement and support and I'll try my best to do the same for you.

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