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Want to leave but do not want to hurt her


CB2K

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Hi all,

 

I have been with my partner for over 6 years and have been married for over two. We have a beautiful boy who I adore and is the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the past year I have been wanting to leave my wife and I have finally got the courage to do so. It is not an easy decision -I know that by walking away I am leaving someone who loves me, who I can trust and who is likely to provide me with a stable life. My partner is a kind, decent person, with a fantastic heart so I automatically know that people are going to think that I am stupid to walk away. However whatever connection we had is long gone. Our sex life has always been difficult due to the fact she has a fear of some aspects of sex, but her drive is now completely gone. We hardly talk, have separate sofas and most of her evening is spent on her phone. When I tried to spice things up and suggest going out on our own, she was more interested in going out as a family then working on us. I recently discussed our problems with her, but she focused automatically on the sex life and saw that as my main issue. It does not help that she sees me as dishonest, and always believes that I lie to her even when I haven't.

Whilst I give her credit for trying to ignite things again, I have generally lost all passion or enthusiasm. She tried initiating sex earlier but I told her I was sorry but was not interested. Although it might seem like too much detail here, I have been struggling in the bedroom department myself, failing to maintain erections as I know full well she is not really into it. Initially, this was because I felt I was forcing her but now its because I don't want to have sex with her anymore. I honestly believe that there is someone out there who is better for her than me, who can meet her emotional and physical needs better than I can and give her what she wants.

I know I can be grumpy and selfish, and she tolerates this due to her love for me. I know full well she loves me more than I love her and I also see this as unfair. I see her as comfortable, she is my best friend and we were friends before marriage. I love her for giving me my son and I will always have fond memories of her but as she is no longer meeting my physical or emotional needs I know now is the right time to move on.

Ideally, when she comes around we can still be friends as I miss being her mate and we are not like that since life got in the way. She takes things far too seriously and hates my laid back attitude towards everything. I know she is not going to take it well and is going to be devastated and I have no desire to hurt her and this is whats putting me off slightly. I am firm in my decision and know it is the right one to make, but it seems everywhere I look the advice says see a counsellor, focus on rebuilding, don't leave your marriage. The only people who have offered support are a couple of good friends who will stand by me when I know everyone else will not. Not that I mind that, I have already accepted that as part of the package. If I am completely honest, I saw the writing on the wall a long time ago. I married her because people said we would be a good pairing, we were good friends so why wouldn't it work? I also saw her as safe as an ex partner had cheated on me and left me when I had no one else around. Any advice from anyone would be appreciated, and I apologise for going on!

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At the end of the day, you have to be happy in your life. You do no one any favors being miserably attached to someone who will not meet your needs. Marrying someone because a committee suggested you do so was your biggest mistake. You cannot run relationship business by a committee when you are the one who has to live with the consequences of their decision. If you felt doubt going in, you should not have married her.

 

Well, perhaps you two had to be the vessels through which your son was born, so there is that. You can be successful parenting partners if you both are mature enough to do so. You will soon find out how mature you both are once you tell her it's over for you.

 

Therapy works only if the couple wants their marriage more then their next breath. If you already are checked out, there is no reason for it except to find your own way out of the emotional minefield.

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Thank you for being direct, I appreciate that more than beating around the bush. I was recently asked whether it would bother me if she got with someone else and I do not feel that it would - as long as she was happy and that person treated her and my son well I would be happy for her

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No. I have met someone recently who I have a lot in common with but we are friends, but nothing more. She is engaged to a nice man and she has recently bought a place with him so nothing is going to happen there. But I will say that she has not influenced my decision. If she has done anything at all it would be to help me realise that there will be other people I could connect with.

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Well that's good then. My advice would be to divorce her then. It isn't fair to her and she needs and deserves to be with a man who will love her for who she is. The only other alternative is marriage counseling, but it appears your mind is pretty made up.

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If I am honest it has not helped that my own mother has said that I will not find anyone nicer than her. I cant deny there was not an initial attraction there and I do love her, just not in the way she wants me to

 

Your mother is wrong. That is a manipulation tactic to get you to do what is acceptable to her. She doesn't have to live your life.

 

Next time your mother opens her mouth with relationship advice, stop her and change the subject. She cannot be helpful in this area right now.

 

You will find someone else nicer than her and that person will probably be a better fit for you.

 

You didn't marry your wife because you were out of your head in love with her and wanted to be with her more than the next breath you take.

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Don't be so hasty to discount the friendship portion of your marriage. That is much more stable and far longer lasting than any feelings of being head over heels in "love" (i.e. infatuation).

 

Personally, absent blatant dealbreakers like infidelity and abuse, I think you owe it to yourself and your wife and especially your son to pursue marriage counseling. And if you read my posts you'll find that I'm one that almost never recommends that. Just because you think you can do better, as evidenced by this:

No. I have met someone recently who I have a lot in common with but we are friends, but nothing more. She is engaged to a nice man and she has recently bought a place with him so nothing is going to happen there. But I will say that she has not influenced my decision. If she has done anything at all it would be to help me realise that there will be other people I could connect with.

is not a good reason to get divorced.

 

Love is a lot more of a decision, and a lot less of a feeling. You're giving up too soon and not honoring the responsibilities you voluntarily took on.

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